Gradually my former experience was repeated. Criticism of others slowly
but surely took the place of fervent charity. Contemplation of self and
self-complacency supplanted meditation on God and the humble realization
of my need of his constant help. Self-sufficiency succeeded humble
dependence upon the Lord. All this was utterly uncomprehended by my
heart, and soon I began vaguely to wonder why I did not love secret
prayer as formerly, why the Word did not seem so good to me as before,
and why my thoughts ran so much upon myself and others, whereas in times
past the Lord had been the Alpha and Omega of my meditations. My zeal
for the truth did not abate. My public devotions were earnest and
apparently spiritual, but deep within my soul I knew that there was a
difference. However, I was so much taken up with helping others do right
that I had not much time to attend to my own needs. God had given me
much light, many things for my personal benefit. These I was very
anxious for others to see; for if they were good for me, why not for
others also? Thus, I endeavored to force my convictions upon all I met.
I loved their souls and my actions were born of a desire for their best
good, but my attitude must have repelled rather than have attracted
them. Anxiety to see every one get as much as possible as quickly as
possible, made me oversolicitous and exacting.
At this time I came in contact with some who were inclined to lower the
standard in some respects and give more room for looseness of walk and
conversation than was expedient. These I looked upon at first with pity,
then with indignation, and at last as wilful deceivers. At this stage,
I think, the last vestige of divine tenderness vanished from my soul,
and I entered the conflict determined to vindicate the truth and see the
standard upheld. When efforts were made to discover to me my faults, I
could see only theirs. If it was suggested to me that I was lacking in
love, I felt that judgments instead of love should be meted out to them.
Instead of feeling free in their presence, I felt like avoiding them and
almost feared to be with them. This I ascribed to the bad spirit which
I felt actuated them. Had I only known how, I might have held to the
true standard in righteousness and also in mercy, but I could see no
middle ground. Either I was right and they wrong or the opposite was
true. And I thought that if I was wrong at all I must be wholly wrong.
I had not at that time seen the truth that God judges us by our
motives, and condemns or excuses us as we have or do not have an earnest
determination to serve him and do his will. So any attempt to recognize
those who were failing in doing some of what I was sure was the will of
God only resulted in terrible confusion to my soul.