For the two years intervening between my conversion and the time when
I was enabled to make a complete consecration and receive an experience
which I had not before attained, I enjoyed and endured the experiences
common to the Christian in his early religious life. Many times I
presented myself to God for cleansing, but as often failed to receive
the Holy Ghost, because I could not believe unless I should have such
manifestations of his incoming as some others had received. At last, in
desperation, being confident that I had yielded all to God, I determined
to believe that he did cleanse my heart and give me the Holy Spirit
whether I ever received any feelings or not; for had not the immutable
God promised, and could his word be broken? After a severe testing of
this decision, the Holy Spirit came into my heart, cleansing it and
filling me with joy unspeakable and full of glory. "Now," I thought,
"surely all my difficulties are past, and I shall walk in glory the rest
of my life." This bubble soon burst, however; for in my very testimony
to the gracious infilling of the Spirit, I was shown a degree of self
and a lack of humility, which, had I understood the truth of the matter,
should have sent me in faith to the throne of grace for a supply of what
I lacked, but which, instead, I allowed to throw me into a state of
doubt and fear from which I did not emerge for some days. The agony
of soul which I suffered through not understanding the fact that I had
an individual self-life with which I must reckon, even though I was
sanctified, can be understood only by those who have become victims to
doubts in a like manner. After a time faith became stronger, the seasons
of depression became fewer, and my soul lived upon the wing. Prayer was
a delight; the reading of the Word filled me with praise; meeting the
people of God was the joy of my life; and every newly revealed truth
made my soul leap for gladness.