I took a great interest in reading religious books and papers. Although
doubtless the motives of those who wrote these were high and noble, and
their sole aim and purpose was to further the interests of God's kingdom
on earth, yet some of these productions were written in such a manner as
to cause a conscientious soul to feel that it is almost impossible for
an ordinary person to reach a standard of experience and life such as
they set up. My natural tendency, however, impelled me to try in my weak
way to pattern after the most rigid examples. I noticed that some of the
characters mentioned were given to much fasting and to abstinence from
all except the very plainest of foods. My tendency toward extremes again
asserted itself, and sometimes I felt condemned for enjoying even a
wholesome meal. I remember one occasion when I worried because I had
indulged in eating a reasonable amount of meat which was pleasing to
my taste.
The last year I was in school these morbid tendencies reached their
climax. I had read of devoted men in the ministry who had labored so
zealously that they allowed themselves only six hours sleep. Besides
their daily tasks, which were enormous, some of these men had spent as
long as two hours each day in private devotions. I tried to force myself
to this rigid routine, besides keeping up with my classes in the
university. Almost every night religious services were held either in
the chapel or in some cottage. On Sunday there were four and sometimes
five services. Of course, I felt duty bound to attend all of these,
besides keeping up daily my two hours of private devotions. Sometimes
I was obliged to lose a part of the six hours allotted for sleep, in
order to carry out this rigid program I had set for myself. Not only did
I suffer from exhaustion induced by the constant and heavy strain; but
if I happened to fail in spending the full two hours in prayer or in
reading the Scriptures, I would sometimes be so terribly accused that
I would resort to a public confession of my "neglect," and once I went
to the public altar under accusation that was largely due to this very
cause.
I had heard a great deal, also, concerning our obligation to do personal
work and threw myself into this phase of Christian activity. Of course,
I soon went to extremes. If I happened to be in the company of some one
for a short time and failed to speak to him about his soul's welfare,
I was likely to be dreadfully accused for gross neglect of duty. Under
such circumstances it was hard for me to testify, because the accuser
could always find some "neglect" or "oversight" with which to trouble
me. On the other hand, I was afraid not to testify lest I should soon be
hopelessly backslidden if I neglected this duty. So I finally drifted
into the habit of silently asking God's forgiveness for any possible
"neglect" in any way, just before rising to testify, so as to make sure
that I was in a proper condition to witness for the Lord. All this was
exceedingly wearing on my whole being.