At first Satan tried to keep me from making any restitution. Then, after
I had started, and he saw he could not prevent me, he pushed me to the
other extreme. One little neglect or forgetfulness after another came to
mind until it seemed to me there would be no end of making reparation.
These little shortcomings were so trivial in their nature that, as I now
review them, I am convinced that they were either no wrongs at all or
else merely mistakes resulting from a lack of wisdom or knowledge, and
that they had been readily overlooked at the time or soon forgotten by
all parties concerned until my own mind began to search for them.
The following will suffice as a fair sample: I had by oversight
forgotten to return a borrowed lead pencil, which had been about
three-fourths used up. Months afterwards I happened to think of it, and
I became so worried and accused that I finally attempted restitution,
as I had already done in perhaps dozens of other just such trivial
instances.
I was also driven to the consideration of my past conduct in the light
of my present experience. I then made apologies one after another for my
past failures. In some instances this was perfectly proper; but again I
was driven to such extremes that I scarcely had any peace. The natural
result was that I watched every word and act so carefully that often
I was afraid to smile, for fear I might laugh at the wrong time. I was
so busy watching myself that I did not get much enjoyment out of my
religious experience. Indeed, the standard I set for myself was so rigid
that I speedily came into bondage. I was unhappy myself and made others
unhappy about me. However, I had no intention of going back into sin.