was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the
company of some of God’s people that I might have imparted unto them
what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that
night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph,
through Christ; this great glory did not continue upon me until
morning, yet that twelfth of the author to the Hebrews (Heb 12:22,23)
was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.
264. The words are these, “Ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the
city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable
company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the firstborn,
which are written in heaven, and to God the judge of all, and to the
spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the mediator of the new
covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things
than that of Abel.” Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over
and over, first to this word, and then to that, and showed me wonderful
glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since this time
been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on
me.
[A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR’S CALL TO THE WORK OF THE MINISTRY.]
265. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust
in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word, and of God’s dealing
with me in that particular also. For after I had been about five or six
years awakened, and helped ‘myself’ to see both the want and worth of
Jesus Christ our Lord, and ‘also’ enabled to venture my soul upon him,
some of the most able among the saints with us, I say the most able for
judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God
had counted me worthy to understand something of his will in his holy
and blessed Word, and had given me utterance, in some measure, to
express what I saw to others for edification; ‘therefore’ they desired
me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at
sometimes, to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of
exhortation unto them.[58]
266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my
spirit, yet being still by them desired and intreated, I consented to
their request, and did twice at two several assemblies, but in private,
though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them;
at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in
the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted, and
gave thanks to the Father of mercies for the grace bestowed on me.
267. After this, sometimes when some of them did go into the country to
teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet
I did not, nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more
privately still as I came amongst the good people in those places, I
did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which,
they as the other received, with rejoicing, at the mercy of God to
me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.
268. Wherefore, to be brief, at last, being still desired by the
church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more
particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public
preaching the word, not only to, and amongst them that believed, but
also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith
thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret
pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain
glory, for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery
darts of the devil concerning my eternal state.
269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise
of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the
continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of Paul to the
Corinthians, “I beseech you, brethren (ye know the household of
Stephanus, that it is the first fruits of Achaian, and that they have
addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints) that ye submit
yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and
laboureth” (1 Cor 16:15,16).
270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended
that men who have gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth,
but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift,
and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do, “They have
addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints.” This scripture, in
these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me and
strengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged from
several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in
the Word and other ancient histories (Acts 8:4, 18:24,25; 1 Peter 4:10;
Rom 12:6; Foxe’s Acts and Monuments).
271. Wherefore, though of myself, of all the saints the most unworthy,
yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own
weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the
proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed
me in the holy Word of truth; which, when the country understood, they
came in to hear the Word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though
upon sundry and divers accounts.
272. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity
for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour with great
diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God
would bless it, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience, in which also
the good Lord had respect to the desire of his servant; for I had not
preached long before some began to be touched by the Word, and to be
greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness
of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.
273. But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to
the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who
thus were touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me; and
though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still
they would confess it and affirm it before the saints of God; they
would also bless God for me, unworthy wretch that I am! and count me
God’s instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.
274. Wherefore, seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so
constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the
knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where
they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned
in his work such a foolish one as I, and then came that word of God to
my heart with much sweet refreshment, “The blessing of him that was
ready to perish came upon me; and I caused the widow’s heart to sing
for joy” (Job 29:13).
275. At this therefore I rejoiced, yea, the tears of those whom God did
awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me;
for I thought on those sayings, “Who is he that maketh me glad but the
same which is made sorry by me?” (2 Cor 2;2); and again, Though “I be
not an apostle to others, yet, doubtless, I am to you: for the seal of
mine apostleship are ye in the Lord” (1 Cor 9:2). These things,
therefore, were as another argument unto me that God had called me to,
and stood by me in this work.
276. In my preaching of the Word, I took special notice of this one
thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to being where his Word begins
with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege
that the curse of God, by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all
men as they come into the world, because of sin. Now this part of my
work I fulfilled with great sense;[59] for the terrors of the law, and
guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience. I preached
what I felt, what I smartingly did feel, even that under which my pour
soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.
277. Indeed I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went
myself in chains to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in
my own conscience that I persuaded them to beware of. I can truly say,
and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have
gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit door, and there it
hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have
done my work, and then immediately, even before I could get down the
pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me
on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt or hell could take
me off my work.
278. Thus I went for the space of two years, crying out against men’s
sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which the Lord
came in upon my own soul with some staid peace and comfort through
Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed grace
through him. Wherefore now I altered in my preaching, for still I
preached what I saw and felt; now therefore I did much labour to hold
forth Jesus Christ in all his offices, relations, and benefits unto the
world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those
false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them
fall and perish. On these things also I staid as long as on the other.
279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of union with
Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also. And when I
had traveled through these three chief points of the Word of God, about
the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present practice
and cast into prison, where I have lain[60] above as long again, to
confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of
it according to the Scriptures in a way of preaching.
280. When I have been preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often all
the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness, cried
to God that he would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the
soul; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the Word away from
the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful. Wherefore I did
labour so to speak the Word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the
sins and person guilty might be particularized by it.
281. Also, when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart to
think the Word should now fall as rain on stony places, still wishing
from my heart, O that they who have heard me speak this day did but see
as I do what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also what
the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in
such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from him. And, indeed, I
did often say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged up
presently before their eyes would be a means to awaken them, and
confirm them in the truth, I gladly should be contented.
282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been
engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an
angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me. Oh, it hath been
with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have
been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon
the consciences of others, that I could not be contented with saying, I
believe, and am sure; methought I was more than sure, if it be lawful
so to express myself, that those things which then I asserted were
true.
283. When I went first to preach the Word abroad, the doctors and
priests of the country did open wide against me.[61] But I was
persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing, but to see how
many of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable
state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ; for, thought I,
This shall answer for me in time to come, when they shall be for my
hire before their faces (Gen 30:33).
284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in
dispute amongst the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet
it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of
faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus;
but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw
they engendered strife, and because that they neither, in doing nor in
leaving undone, did commend us to God to be his. Besides, I saw my work
before me did run in another channel, even to carry an awakening word;
to that therefore did I stick and adhere.[62]
285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men’s lines
(Rom 15:18)[63], though I condemn not all that do, for I verily
thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the Word
and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to by the
soundest and best established conscience; and though I will not now
speak all that I know in this matter, yet my experience hath more
interest in that text of Scripture than many amongst men are aware (Gal
1:11,12).
286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry did after that
fall back, as sometimes too many did, I can truly say their loss hath
been more to me than if one of my own children, begotten of my body,
had been going to its grave; I think, verily, I may speak it without an
offence to the Lord, nothing hath gone so near me as that, unless it
was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have
counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places
where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the
glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and
honoured of God by this than if he had made me the emperor of the
Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of ‘the’ earth without
it! O these words, “He which converteth the sinner from the error of
his way shall save a soul from death” (James 5:20). ‘“The fruit of the
righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise” (Prov
11:30). “They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the
firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for
ever and ever” (Dan 12:3). “For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of
rejoicing? Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at
his coming? For ye are our glory and joy” (1 Thess 2:19,20). These, I
say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to
me.’
287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I
have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit to desire I
might preach there. I have also observed that such and such souls in
particular have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to
wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this,
been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have also observed, that
a word cast in by the by hath done more execution in a sermon than all
that was spoken besides; sometimes also when I have thought I did no
good, then I did the most of all; and at other times when I thought I
should catch them I have fished for nothing.
288. ‘I have also observed, that where there hath been a work to do
upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts, and by
the mouths of his servants. Yea, oftentimes when the wicked world hath
raged most, there hath been souls awaked by the Word. I could instance
particulars, but I forbear.’
289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the
darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were
furthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the
light, for I feared not to show my gospel to any, but because I found
my spirit leaned most after awakening and converting work, and the Word
that I carried did lead itself most that way ‘also’; “yea, so have I
strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should
build upon another man’s foundation” (Rom 15:20).
290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were,
travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied
unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless it
mattered not who commended me; but if I were fruitful, I cared not who
did condemn. I have thought of that, “He that winneth souls is wise”
(Prov 11:30); and again, “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and
the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows in the hand of a mighty
man, so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath filled
his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they shall
speak with the enemies in the gate” (Psa 127:3-5).
291. ‘It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions if they
seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation,
sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and an heart set on
fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathing after a truly
sanctified soul; that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I
counted blessed.’
292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending
me, and that of diverse kinds, as sometimes I should be assaulted with
great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to
speak the word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to
speak sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a
strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body that my legs
have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
293. Sometimes, again, when I have been preaching, I have been
violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to
speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at
some times, even when I have begun to speak the Word with much
clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been before the ending
of that opportunity so blinded, and so estranged from the things I have
been speaking, and have also been so straitened in my speech, as to
utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known or
remembered what I have been about, or as if my head had been in a bag
all the time of the exercise.
294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some
smart and scorching[64] portion of the Word, I have found the tempter
suggest, What, will you preach this? this condemns yourself; of this
your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you
do, yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of
awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, as you will
never get from under.
295. ‘But, I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these
so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Samson, bowed myself with
all my might, to condemn sin and transgression wherever I found it,
yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience! “Let
me die,” thought I, “with the Philistines” (Judg 16:29,30), rather than
deal corruptly with the blessed Word of God, “Thou that teachest
another, teachest not thou thyself?” It is far better that thou do
judge thyself, even by preaching plainly to others, than that thou, to
save thyself, imprison the truth in unrighteousness; blessed be God for
his help also in this.’
296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been
often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart; and though I dare not
say I have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord, of his
precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that, for the most part,
I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing; for it hath been
my every day’s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and
still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities
therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my
gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, the very
mercy of God to me (2 Cor 12:7-9).
297. I have had also, together with this, some notable place or other
of the Word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some
sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul,
notwithstanding gifts and parts; as, for instance, that hath been of
great use unto me, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of
angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, and a
tinkling cymbal” (1 Cor 13:1,2).
298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skillful
player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who
hear him play can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal
hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art
of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to
nought and perish, though, in times past, such music hath been made
upon it.
299. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have gifts, but
want saving grace, they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the
hand of David; and as David could, with the cymbal, make that mirth in
the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so
Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of
his people in his church; yet when he hath done all, hang them by as
lifeless, though sounding cymbals.[65]
300. This consideration, therefore, together with some others, were,
for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain
glory; what, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass?
Is it so much to be a fiddle? Hath not the least creature that hath
life, more of God in it than these? Besides, I knew it was love should
never die, but these must cease and vanish; so I concluded, a little
grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God, is better than
all these gifts; yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is
possible for a soul that can scarce give a man an answer, but with
great confusion as to method, I say it is possible for them to have a
thousand times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of
the Lord than some who, by virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver
themselves like angels.[66]
301. ‘Thus, therefore, I came to perceive, that though gifts in
themselves were good to the thing for which they are designed, to wit,
the edification of others; yet empty and without power to save the soul
of him that hath them, if they be alone; neither are they, as so, any
sign of a man’s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to
some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must, when a
little love more is over, give an account to him that is ready to judge
the quick and the dead.’
302. ‘This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not
in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have
them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, &c., all which
were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every
unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into
the condemnation of the devil.’
303. ‘I saw therefore that he that hath gifts had need be let into a
sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of
him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall
short of the grace of God.’
304. ‘He hath also cause to walk humbly with God, and be little in his
own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but
the church’s; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and
he must give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus;
and to give a good account, will be a blessed thing.’
305. ‘Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord;
gifts indeed are desirable, but yet great grace and small gifts are
better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the Lord gives
gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is
such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace, for that is a
certain forerunner of glory.’
306. ‘But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of
me would not answer his design, to wit, to overthrow my ministry, and
make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof; then he tried another way,
which was to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious, to load
me with slanders and reproaches; now therefore I may say, That what the
devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down
the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they
should make my ministry to be abandoned.’
307. ‘It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people,
that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.’
308. ‘To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent. But
as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the
tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things, with
all the rest of their iniquities, unless God shall give them repentance
for them, for the which I pray with all my heart.’