I thought, first, This was not for the birthright, but for the
blessing; this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau
himself; “he took away my birthright [that is, formerly]; and, behold,
now he hath taken away my blessing” (Gen 27:36). Secondly, Now, this
being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might
be the mind of God, in a New Testament style and sense, concerning
Esau’s sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God,
That the birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing the
eternal inheritance; for so the apostle seems to hint, “Lest there be
any profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his
birthright”; as if he should say, Lest there be any person amongst you,
that shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God that at present
are upon him, in order to a new birth, lest they become as Esau, even
be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the blessing.
227. For many there are who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise
those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet, when
the deciding day appears, will cry as loud as Esau, “Lord, Lord, open
to us”; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will God the
Father, but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they shall be
blessed; but as for you, depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity
(Gen 27:33; Luke 13:25-27).
228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus
to understand them was not against, but according to other scriptures;
this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave
a great blow to that objection, to wit, that the scripture could not
agree in the salvation of my soul. And now remained only the hinder
part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some
drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but
because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep,
therefore it did oft befall me still, as it befalleth those that have
been scared with fire, I thought every voice was Fire, fire; every
little touch would hurt my tender conscience.[50]
229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some
dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly
this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in heaven; and
methought withal, I saw, with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at
God’s right hand; there, I say, as my righteousness; so that wherever
I was, or whatever I was adoing, God could not say of me, He wants my
righteousness, for that was just before him. I also saw, moreover,
that it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness
better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my
righteousness was Jesus Christ himself, the same yesterday, and to-day,
and for ever (Heb 13:8).
230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed, I was loosed from my
affliction and irons, my temptations also fled away; so that, from that
time, those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me; now went
I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God. So when I came
home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence, Thy righteousness
is in heaven; but could not find such a saying, wherefore my heart
began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, he “of
God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and
redemption”; by this word I saw the other sentence true (1 Cor 1:30).
231. For by this scripture, I saw that the man Christ Jesus, as he is
distinct from us, as touching his bodily presence, so he is our
righteousness and sanctification before God. Here, therefore, I lived
for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh
methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before
my eyes, I was not now only for looking upon this and the other
benefits of Christ apart, as of his blood, burial, or resurrection, but
considered him as a whole Christ! As he in whom all these, and all
other his virtues, relations, offices, and operations met together, and
that ‘as he sat’ on the right hand of God in heaven.
232. It was glorious to me to see his exaltation, and the worth and
prevalency of all his benefits, and that because of this: now I could
look from myself to him, and should reckon that all those graces of God
that now were green in me, were yet but like those cracked groats and
fourpence-halfpennies[51] that rich men carry in their purses, when
their gold is in their trunks at home! Oh, I saw my gold was in my
trunk at home! In Christ, my Lord and Saviour! Now Christ was all; all
my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my
redemption.
233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with
the Son of God, that I was joined to him, that I was flesh of his
flesh, and bone of his bone, and now was that a sweet word to me in
Ephesians 5:30. By this also was my faith in him, as my righteousness,
the more confirmed to me; for if he and I were one, then his
righteousness was mine, his merits mine, his victory also mine. Now
could I see myself in heaven and earth at once; in heaven by my Christ,
by my head, by my righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or
person.
234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God, and should also be
looked upon by us, as that common or public person, [52] in whom all
the whole body of his elect are always to be considered and reckoned;
that we fulfilled the law by him, died by him, rose from the dead by
him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by him; when
he died, we died; and so of his resurrection. “Thy dead men shall live,
together with my dead body shall they arise,” saith he (Isa 26:19). And
again, “After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will
raise us up, and we shall live in his sight” (Hosea 6:2); which is now
fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of man on the right hand of
the Majesty in the heavens, according to that to the Ephesians, he
“hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly
places in Christ Jesus” (Eph 2:6).
235. Ah, these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many other
of a like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes, ‘so
that I have cause to say,’ “Praise ye the Lord. Praise God in his
sanctuary: praise him in the firmament of his power. Praise him for his
mighty acts: praise him according to his excellent greatness” (Psa
150:1,2).
236. Having thus, in few words, given you a taste of the sorrow and
affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this
my wicked thought did lay me under! and having given you also a touch
of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that
I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelve-month with my
heart, to my unspeakable admiration; I will now, God willing, before I
proceed any further, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive,
was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage,
at the last, it became unto my soul.
237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which
two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me.
The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the
temptation that went before, still pray to God to keep me from
temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my
soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed
only, or at the most, principally for the removal of present troubles,
and for fresh discoveries of ‘his’ love in Christ! which I saw
afterwards was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the
great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.
238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David,
who, when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold
him back from sin and temptation to come; “Then,” saith he, “shall I be
upright, and I shall be innocent from the GREAT transgression” (Psa
19:13). By this very word was I galled and condemned, quite through
this long temptation.
239. That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly,
in the neglect of this duty (Heb 4:16), “Let us therefore come boldly
unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to
help in time of need.” This I had not done, and therefore was suffered
thus to sin and fall, according to what is written, “Pray that ye enter
not into temptation.” And truly this very thing is to this day of such
weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord,
go off my knees, until I entreat him for help and mercy against the
temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou
learn to beware of my negligence, by the affliction that for this thing
I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.
240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and
on this manner did I do it. Upon a time my wife was great with child,
and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail,
were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have immediately
fallen in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth. Now, at this
very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the
being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with
all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if thou wilt
now remove this sad affliction from my wife, and cause that she be
troubled no more therewith this night, and now were her pangs just upon
her, then I shall know that thou canst discern the most secret thoughts
of the heart.
241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from
her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so she continued till
morning; at this I greatly marveled, not knowing what to think; but
after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell
to sleeping also. So when I waked in the morning, it came upon me
again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the
Lord had showed me that he knew my secret thoughts, which was a great
astonishment unto me for several weeks after.
242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful
thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart,
even this thought, Let Christ go if he will; so when I was fallen under
guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect
thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried
rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the most
secret thoughts of the heart.[53]
243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord and
his servant Gideon fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon tempted
God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and
ventured upon his word, therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him,
as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies; and that too,
as to outward appearance, without any strength or help (Judg 6, 7).
Thus he served me, and that justly, for I should have believed his
word, and not have put an IF upon the all-seeingness of God.
244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also gained
by this temptation; and first, By this I was made continually to
possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the being and glory
of God, and of his beloved Son; in the temptation ‘that went’ before,
my soul was perplexed with ‘unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart,
questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the Word, and
certainty of the world to come; I say, then I was greatly assaulted and
tormented with’ atheism; but now the case was otherwise, now was God
and Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort,
but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness
of God did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and
compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel;[54] for I could not
consider him but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of
which was as the continual breaking of my bones.
245. The Scriptures now also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that
the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven;
those ‘that’ the Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss, but those
‘that’ they oppose and condemn must perish evermore. Oh this word, “For
the Scripture cannot be broken”: would rend the caul of my heart; and
so would that other, “Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted
unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.” Now I
saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge (Josh 20:4),
those ‘that’ they were to receive in, were received to life; but those
that they shut out were to be slain by the avenger of blood.[55]
246. Oh! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrify my
mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me, as sometimes I
thought they every one did, more I say, than an army of forty thousand
men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the
Scriptures bend themselves.
247. By this temptation I was made ‘to’ see more into the nature of the
promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the
mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thunderings of his
justice; this made me, with careful heart and watchful eye, with great
seriousness, to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed
with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural
force and latitude.
248. By this temptation, also, I was greatly beaten off my former
foolish practice, of putting by the word of promise when it came into
my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness
from the promise as I had done at other times, yea, like to a man
a-sinking, I should catch at all I saw; formerly I thought I might not
meddle with the promise unless I felt its comfort, but now it was no
time thus to do, the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.
249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word, which yet I feared
I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of
that promise, that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also
I should labour to take the Word as God had laid it down, without
restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof. O what did I now
see in that blessed sixth of John, “And him that cometh to me, I will
in no wise cast out” (v 37). Now I began to consider with myself, that
God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive with.
I thought also with myself that he spake not his words in haste, or in
unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very
truth and faithfulness (2 Sam 3:18).
250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce
towards the promise, as the horses do towards sound ground that yet
stick in the mire, concluding, though as one almost bereft of his wits
through fear, on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of
it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had
with Satan for that blessed sixth of John. I did not now, as at other
times, look principally for comfort, though, O how welcome would it
have been unto me! But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon,
that I might not sink for ever! ‘it was that I hunted for.’
251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as
if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever. I was often as if I had run
upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him
as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to
petition the king contrary to the law (Esth 4:16). I thought also of
Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their
enemies for mercy (1 Kings 20:31). The woman of Canaan also, that would
not be daunted, though called dog by Christ (Matt 15:20-28). And the
man that went to borrow bread at midnight (Luke 11:5-8), were great
encouragements unto me.
251. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and
mercy, as I saw after this temptation. Great sins do draw out great
grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of
God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty.
When Job had passed through his captivity, he had “twice as much as he
had before” (Job 42:10). Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many
other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief,
and therefore shall at this time omit them, and do pray God that my
harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear
the iron yoke as I ‘did.’
‘I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this
temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I
could hardly bear up under it, it was so out of measure amazing, when I
thought it could reach me, that I do think, if that sense of it had
abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.’
[ENTERS INTO FELLOWSHIP WITH THE CHURCH OF CHRIST AT BEDFORD, IN WHICH
HE AFTERWARDS BECAME A MINISTERING ELDER.]
253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the
Lord’s dealings with me, of his dealings with me at sundry other
seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin
with what I met with when I first did join in fellowship with the
people of God in Bedford.[56] After I had propounded to the church that
my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them,
and was also admitted by them; while I thought of that blessed
ordinance of Christ, which was his last supper with his disciples
before his death, that Scripture, “This do in remembrance of me” (Luke
22:19), was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did
come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my
sins; and as I then felt, did as if he plunged me in the virtue of the
same. But, behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance,
but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein,
both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those
that then did eat thereof; that, lest I should at any time be guilty of
consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend
myself all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies;
and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them as it went
from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation I have thought since
was, because I did not, with that reverence ‘as became me,’ at first
approach to partake thereof.
254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never
have rest nor ease; but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that
same scripture by which my soul was visited before; and after that I
have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that
blessed ordinance, and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body
as broken for my sins, and that his precious blood hath been shed for
my transgressions.
255. Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a consumption, wherewith,
about the spring, I was suddenly and violently seized with much
weakness in my outward man, insomuch that I thought I could not live.
Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my
state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that
blessed world to come; for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my
usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to
endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come clear before my eye.
256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience
of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my
mind, an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions, amongst
which these were at this time most to my affliction, namely, my
deadness, dullness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of
heart, ‘of’ my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to
God, his ways, and people, with this at the end of all, Are these the
fruits of Christianity? are these the tokens of a blessed man?
257. At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon
me, for now was I sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with
guilt; now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me quite
taken out of my mind, and hid as if it had never been, nor seen. Now
was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, Live I
must not, Die I dare not; now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was
giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house,
as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my
heart, Ye are “justified freely by his grace, through the redemption
that is in Christ Jesus” (Rom 3:24). ‘But oh what a turn it made upon
me!’
258. Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream,
and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it
thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest that because of thy sins
and infirmities I cannot save thy soul, but behold my Son is by me, and
upon him I look, and not on thee, and will deal with thee according as
I am pleased with him. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and
made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was
but ‘his’ looking upon Christ, and imputing of his benefits to us, and
the work was forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse that scripture also came with great
power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteousness which we have done,
but according to his mercy he saved us, &c. (Titus 3:5; 2 Tim 1:9). Now
was I got on high; I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and
though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet now I cried,
Let me die. Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight; for I saw
we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world. Oh,
methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above; at
this time also I saw more in those words, “Heirs of God” (Rom 8:17),
than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. “Heirs
of God!” God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and
wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.[57]
260. ‘Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time
also the tempter did beset me strongly, for I find he is much for
assaulting the soul when it begins to approach towards the grave, then
is his opportunity, labouring to hide from me my former experience of
God’s goodness; also setting before me the terrors of death and the
judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of
miscarrying for ever, should I now die, I was as one dead before death
came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit;
methought, I said, there was no way, but to hell I must; but behold,
just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angels
carrying Lazarus into Abraham’s bosom darted in upon me, as who should
say, So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did
sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which, when I had
with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my
mind, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” (1
Cor 15:55). At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for my
sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for
God again.’
261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury
in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of
darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that
I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life; I was also so
overrun in my soul, with a senseless, heartless frame of spirit, that I
could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ;
I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been
tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to
seize ‘upon’ my outward man, which made still the other affliction the
more heavy and uncomfortable ‘to me.’
262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I
was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my
heart, I must go to Jesus; at this my former darkness and atheism fled
away, and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view. While I
was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife, said I, is there
ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus? she said she could not tell,
therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place; I
had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon
me, “And to an innumerable company of angels,” and withal, Hebrews the
twelfth, about the mount Sion was set before mine eyes (vv 22-24).