an hundred times that he that day did labour to break my peace. Oh! the
combats and conflicts that I did then meet with as I strove to hold by
this word; that of Esau would fly in my face like to lightning. I
should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour, yet God did
bear me up and keep my heart upon this word, from which I had also, for
several days together, very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of
pardon; for thus it was made out to me, I loved thee whilst thou wast
committing this sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will
love thee for ever.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not
but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had
horribly abused the holy Son of God; wherefore I felt my soul greatly
to love and pity him, and my bowels to yearn towards him; for I saw he
was still my Friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and
affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ
did work, at this time, such a strong and hot desire of revengement
upon myself for the abuse I had done unto him, that, to speak as then I
thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could
freely ‘then’ have spilt it all at the command and feet of this my Lord
and Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing and in my studies, ‘considering’ how
to love the Lord and to express my love to him, that saying came in
upon me, “If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall
stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared”
(Psa 130:3,4). These were good words to me,[46] especially the latter
part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that he
might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that he might be
loved and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, that the
great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of his poor
creatures, that rather than he would go without their love he would
pardon their transgressions.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by
it, Then shall they be ashamed and confounded, “and never open their
mouth any more because of their shame, when I am pacified toward them
for all that they have done, saith the Lord God” (Eze 16:63). Thus was
my soul at this time, and, as I then did think, for ever, set at
liberty from being again afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were over I began to despond again, fearing
lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that yet I might be
deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong
into my mind, that whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have
from the Word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found
in my refreshment a concurrence and agreement in the Scriptures, let me
think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no
such thing at the end; “for the Scripture cannot be broken” (John
10:35).
196. Now began my heart again to ache and fear I might meet with
disappointment at the last; wherefore I began, with all seriousness, to
examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned
as I have done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of
God, laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and on
which I had leaned myself. But now were brought those sayings to my
mind, “For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and
have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy
Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the
world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto
repentance” (Heb 6:4-6). “For if we sin willfully after that we have
received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice
for sins, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery
indignation, which shall devour the adversaries” (Heb 10:26,27). Even
“as Esau, who, for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; for ye know
how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was
rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it
carefully with tears” (Heb 12:16,17).
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul, so that no
promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me; and now
would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, “Rejoice not, O
Israel, for joy as other people” (Hosea 9:1). For I saw indeed there
was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but as for me, I
had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither
foot-hold, nor hand-hold, amongst all the stays and props in the
precious word of life.
198. And truly I did now feel myself to sink into a gulf, as an house
whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself, in this condition,
unto the case of a child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who, though
it could make some shift to scrabble and spraul in the water, yet
because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last
it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had
fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, “This is for
many days” (Dan 10:14). And indeed I found it was so; for I could not
be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and
an half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in
themselves they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this
condition would be eternal, they were at sometimes as an help and
refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, many days are not, not for ever, many days will
have an end, therefore seeing I was to be afflicted, not a few, but
many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I
could recall myself sometimes, and give myself a help, for as soon as
ever the words came ‘into my mind’ at first, I knew my trouble would be
long; yet this would be but sometimes, for I could not always think on
this, nor ever be helped ‘by it,’ though I did.
200. Now, while these Scriptures lay before me, and laid sin ‘anew’ at
my door, that saying in the 18th of Luke, with others, did encourage me
to prayer. Then the tempter again laid at me very sore, suggesting,
That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all
concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; ‘therefore it was in
vain to pray.’ Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your
sin is unpardonable. ‘Well, said I, I will pray. It is to no boot, said
he.’ Yet, said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I
was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect, Lord, Satan tells me
that neither thy mercy, nor Christ’s blood, is sufficient to save my
soul; Lord, shall I honour thee most, by believing thou wilt and canst?
or ‘him,’ by believing thou neither wilt nor canst? Lord, I would fain
honour thee, by believing thou wilt and canst.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my
heart, “O [wo]man, great is thy faith” (Matt 15:28), even as if one had
clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God. Yet I was not
able to believe this, ‘that this was a prayer of faith,’ till almost
six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there
should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be as
sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down ‘in
a sad condition,’ crying, Is his mercy clean gone? Is his mercy clean
gone for ever? And I thought sometimes, even when I was groaning in
these expressions, they did seem to make a question whether it was or
no; yet I greatly feared it was.
202. ‘There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out
of doubt, as to this thing in question; and, as I was vehemently
desiring to know if there was indeed hopes for me, these words came
rolling into my mind, “Will the Lord cast off for ever? And will he be
a favourable no more? Is his mercy clean gone for ever? Doth his
promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath he
in anger shut up his tender mercies?” (Psa 77:7-9). And all the while
they run in my mind, methought I had this still as the answer, It is a
question whether he had or no; it may be he hath not. Yea, the
interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that
indeed he had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable; that
his promise doth not fail, and that he had not forgotten to be
gracious, nor would in anger shut up his tender mercy. Something, also,
there was upon my heart at the same time, which I now cannot call to
mind; which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and made me conclude
that his mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.’[47]
203. At another time, I remember I was again much under the question,
Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? In which
doubt I continued from morning till about seven or eight at night; and
at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it
should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my
heart, He is able. But methought this word ABLE was spoke so loud unto
me; it showed such a great word, ‘it seemed to be writ in great
letters,’ and gave such a justle to my fear and doubt, I mean for the
time it tarried with me, which was about a day, as I never had from
that all my life, either before or after that (Heb 7:25).
204. But one morning, when I was again at prayer, and trembling under
the fear of this, that no word of God could help me, that piece of a
sentence darted in upon me, “My grace is sufficient.” At this methought
I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh how good a thing
it is for God to send his Word! For about a fortnight before I was
looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near
my soul with comfort, ‘therefore’ I threw down my book in a pet. ‘Then
I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough’; but
now, it was as if it had arms of grace so wide that it could not only
enclose me, but many more besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding
conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be
in and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble
presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong as full of fear
and guilt as ever heart could hold; and this was not only now and then,
but my whole seven weeks’ experience; for this about the sufficiency of
grace, and that of Esau’s parting with his birthright, would be like a
pair of scales within my mind, sometimes one end would be uppermost,
and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or
trouble.
206. Therefore I still did pray to God, that he would come in with this
Scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that he would help me to
apply the whole sentence, ‘for as yet I could not: that he gave, I
gathered; but further I could not go,’ for as yet it only helped me to
hope ‘there might be mercy for me,’ “My grace is sufficient”; and
though it came no farther, it answered my former question; to wit, that
there was hope; yet, because “for thee” was left out, I was not
contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day as I was
in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror, for my fears
again were strong upon me; and as I was now thinking my soul was never
the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did, with
great power, suddenly break in upon me, “My grace is sufficient for
thee, my grace is sufficient for thee, my grace is sufficient for
thee,” three times together; and, oh! methought that every word as a
mighty word unto me; as my, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee;
they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.
207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as
though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven through the
tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning
home, it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as
the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and
refreshing comfort, yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did
encourage me to hope. But so soon as that powerful operation of it was
taken off my heart, that other about Esau returned upon me as before;
so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up and
sometimes down, now in peace, and anon again in terror.
208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes
tormented; and, especially at some times, my torment would be very
sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set
before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven.
Then, again, I should begin to repent that ever that thought went
through me, I should also think thus with myself, Why, how many
scriptures are there against me? There are but three or four: and
cannot God miss them, and save me for all them? Sometimes, again, I
should think, Oh! if it were not for these three or four words, now how
might I be comforted? And I could hardly forbear, at some times, but to
wish them out of the book.
209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter, and Paul, and John,
and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in
derision; and as if they said unto me, All our words are truth, one of
as much force as another. It is not we that have cut you off, but you
have cast away yourself; there is none of our sentences that you must
take hold upon but these, and such as these: “It is impossible; there
remains no more sacrifice for sin” (Heb 6). And “it had been better for
them not to have known” the will of God, “than after they have known
it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them” (2 Peter
2:21). “For the Scriptures cannot be broken.”[48]
210. ‘These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw were to be the
judges both of my case and me, while I stood, with the avenger of blood
at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance, also with a
thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for
ever (Josh 20:3,4).’
211. Thus was I confounded, not knowing what to do, nor how to be
satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in the
salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles, I knew their words were
true, and that they must stand for ever.
212. And I remember one day, as I was in diverse frames of spirit, and
considering that these frames were still according to the nature of the
several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then
was I quiet; but if that of Esau, then tormented; Lord, thought I, if
both these scriptures would meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of
them would get the better of me. So methought I had a longing mind that
they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they
might.
213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they
bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in
me for a while; at last, that about Esau’s birthright began to wax
weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this about the sufficiency of grace
prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing,
that scripture came home upon me, “Mercy rejoiceth against judgment”
(James 2:13).
214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly I am apt to think it was of
God; for the word of the law and wrath must give place to the word of
life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious,
yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory (2 Cor
3:8-12; Mark 9:5-7). Also, that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and
leave Christ and his saints alone.
215. This scripture did also most sweetly visit my soul, “And him that
cometh to me I will in no wise cast out” (John 6:37). Oh, the comfort
that I have had from this world, “in no wise”! as who should say, by no
means, for no thing, whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly
labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me that Christ did not
mean me, and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done
as I had done. But I should answer him again, Satan, here is in this
word no such exception; but “him that comes,” HIM, any him; “him that
cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.” And this I well remember
still, that of all the sleights that Satan used to take this scripture
from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come
aright? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew
full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright was to
come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the
feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did
strive for any word ‘of God in all my life, it was for this good word
of Christ; he at one end and I at the other. Oh, what work did we
make!’ It was for this in John, ‘I say, that we did so tug and strive’;
he pulled and I pulled; but, God be praised, ‘I got the better of him,’
I got some sweetness from it.
216. But, notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace,
yet that of Esau’s selling of his birthright would still at times
distress my conscience; for though I had been most sweetly comforted,
and that but just before, yet when that came into ‘my’ mind, it would
make me fear again, I could not be quite rid thereof, it would every
day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to
consider the nature of this blasphemous thought; I mean, if I should
take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force
and scope, even every word therein. So when I had thus considered, I
found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this, that
I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to his choice, whether he would
be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let him go if he
will. Then that scripture gave me hope, “I will never leave thee nor
forsake thee” (Heb 13:5). O Lord, said I, but I have left thee. Then it
answered again, “But I will not leave thee.” For this I thank God also.
217. Yet I was grievously afraid he should, and found it exceeding hard
to trust him, seeing I had so offended him. I could have been exceeding
glad that this thought had never befallen, for then I thought I could,
with more ease and freedom abundance, have leaned upon his grace. I see
it was with me, as it was with Joseph’s brethren; the guilt of their
own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would
at last despise them (Gen 50:15-17).
218. But above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with, that in the
twentieth of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the
slayer that was to flee for refuge. And if the avenger of blood pursue
the slayer, then, saith Moses, they that are the elders of the city of
refuge shall not deliver him into his hand, because he smote his
neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. Oh, blessed be God
for this word; I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the
avenger of blood pursued me, that I felt with great terror; only now it
remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of
refuge.[49] So I found that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood:
‘it was not the willful murderer,’ but he who unwittingly did it, he
who did unawares shed blood; ‘not of spite, or grudge, or malice, he
that shed it unwittingly,’ even he who did not hate his neighbour
before. Wherefore,
219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had
smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. I hated
him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto him, was tender of sinning against
him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a
twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it
did it in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had right to enter
this city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver
me up. This, therefore, was great comfort to me; and did give me much
ground of hope.
220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not
what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul
did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether it be
possible for any soul that hath indeed sinned the unpardonable sin, yet
after that to receive though but the least true spiritual comfort from
God through Christ? The which, after I had much considered, I found the
answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—
221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred
a share in the blood of Christ, and being shut out of that, they must
needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort;
for to such “there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins” (Heb 10:26).
Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life; they
shall never be forgiven, “neither in this world, neither in that which
is to come” (Matt 12:32). Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also
from a share in his blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own
them both before his holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven
(Mark 8:38).
222. When I had, with much deliberation, considered of this matter, and
could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too
after this my wicked sin; then, methought, I durst venture to come nigh
unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this
while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which, indeed, before I
durst scarce cast mine eye, yea, had much ado an hundred times to
forbear wishing of them out of the Bible; for I thought they would
destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of
encouragement to come close to them, to read them, and consider them,
and to weigh their scope and tendency.
223. The which, when I began to do, I found their visage changed; for
they looked not so grimly on me as before I thought they did. And,
first, I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it
should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling
there intended was a falling quite away; that is, as I conceived, a
falling from, and an absolute denial of the gospel of remission of sins
by Christ; for from them the apostle begins his argument (vv 1-3).
Secondly, I found that this falling away must be openly, even in the
view of the world, even so as “to put Christ to an open shame.”
Thirdly, I found that those he there intended were for ever shut up of
God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: it is impossible
they should be renewed again unto repentance. By all these particulars,
I found, to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this
place intended.
‘First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away, that is, from
the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life. Secondly, I
confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to
open shame; I did not deny him before men, nor condemn him as a
fruitless one before the world. Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had
shut me up, or denied me to come, though I found it hard work indeed to
come to him by sorrow and repentance. Blessed be God for unsearchable
grace.’
224. Then I considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews, and found that
the willful sin there mentioned is not every willful sin, but that
which doth throw off Christ, and then his commandments too. Secondly,
That must also be done openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer
that of the law (v 28). Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with
great despite done to the Spirit of grace; despising both the
dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the
Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to
these.
225. And as touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews, about Esau’s
selling his birthright, though this was that which killed me, and stood
like a spear against me; yet now I did consider, First, That his was
not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a
thought consented to and put in practice likewise, and that too after
some deliberation (Gen 25). Secondly, It was a public and open action,
even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of
a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly,
He continued to slight his birthright: “He did eat and drink, and went
his way; thus Esau despised his birthright” (v 34). Yea, twenty years
after, he was found to despise it still. “And Esau said, I have enough,
my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself” (Gen 33:9).