swallowing me up; I thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away from
God, for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, It
is too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my correction, but
condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning Esau, how
that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have received the
blessing, but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that
dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira;[38] a book that
was to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound;
every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest
of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing
of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing
and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as
knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was
frightful to me, Man knows the beginning of sin, but who bounds the
issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of
all, fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; “for you
know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he
was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it
carefully with tears.”’
164. Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at
sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well
as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful
judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most
fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at
my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some
times, as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I thought
of that concerning Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder,
and all his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).
165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on
Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt
that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did
I wind, and twine, and shrink, under the burden that was upon me; which
burden also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor
lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath received
gifts for the rebellious (Psa 68:18). “The rebellious,” thought I; why,
surely they are such as once were under subjection to their prince,
even those who, after they have sworn subjection to his government,
have taken up arms against him; ‘and this, thought I, is my very
condition; once I loved him, feared him, served him; but now I am a
rebel; I have sold him, I have said, Let him go if he will; but yet he
has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?’
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold
thereof, that some, though small, refreshment might have been conceived
by me; but in this also I missed of my desire, I was driven with force
beyond it, ‘I was’ like a man that is going to the place of execution,
even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but
may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in
particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus
with myself: Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine
alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement? For if
mine, though bigger than any one, yet should but be equal to all, then
there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough ‘in it’ to wash
away all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away mine, though
this one be full as big, if no bigger, than all theirs. Here, again, I
should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter,
and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I
might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several
circumstances: but, alas! It was all in vain.[39]
169. ‘I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his
adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that
could not be done but by continuance and deliberate contrivance, which
was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me:
Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a
Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and
who shall save you from that?’
170. ‘Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange
women, in falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in
doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received; but
the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me
off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law,
for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour, and
there now remained no more sacrifice for sin.’
171. ‘I would then add to those men’s sins, the sins of Manasseh, how
that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also
observed times, used enchantment, had to do with wizards, was a wizard,
had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice
to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of
innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour;
yea, it would turn again upon me: They are none of them of the nature
of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.’
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was
point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I
had in my heart said of him, Let him go if he will. Oh! methought, this
sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the
whole world, no one pardonable, nor all of them together, was able to
equal mine; mine outwent them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a
dreadful judge; yet this was my torment, I could not escape his hand:
“It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Heb
10:31). But blessed be his grace, that scripture, in these flying
sins,[40] would call as running after me, “I have blotted out, as a
thick cloud, thy transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto
me, for I have redeemed thee” (Isa 44:22). This, I say, would come in
upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee
from his face, that is, my mind and spirit fled before him; by reason
of his highness, I could not endure; then would the text cry, “Return
unto me”; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, “Return unto me,
for I have redeemed thee.” Indeed, this would make me make a little
stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I
could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in his
hand, but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and
darkened again by that sentence, “For you know how that afterwards,
when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of
repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.” Wherefore I
could not return, but fled, though at sometimes it cried, “Return,
return,” as if it did holloa after me. But I feared to close in
therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said,
was still sounding in my conscience, “For you know how that afterwards,
when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected,” &c.
174. ‘Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop, bemoaning
of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with
self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting, also,
this hard hap of mine, for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly
fearing I should not be pardoned; praying, also, in my heart, that if
this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord
would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there
was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon
me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever
refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ? And, withal my whole
life and profession past was, in a moment, opened to me, wherein I was
made to see that designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly,
No. then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, “See that ye
refuse not him that speaketh” (Heb 12:25). This made a strange seizure
upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my
heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that before did use, like
masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make a hideous noise
within me. It showed me, also, that Jesus Christ had yet a word of
grace and mercy for me, that he had not, as I had feared, quite
forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of a chide for my
proneness to desperation; a kind of a threatening me if I did not,
notwithstanding my sins and the heinousness of them, venture my
salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this
strange dispensation, what it was I knew not; or from whence it came I
know not. I have not yet, in twenty years’ time, been able to make a
judgment of it; I thought then what here I shall be loath to speak. But
verily, that sudden rushing wind was as if an angel had come upon me;
but both it and the salvation I will leave until the day of judgment;
only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul, it persuaded me
there might be hope; it showed me, as I thought, what the sin
unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to
flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But, I say, concerning this
dispensation, I know not what yet to say unto it; which was, also, in
truth, the cause that, at first, I did not speak of it in the book; I
do now, also, leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay
not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in
the promise; yet, seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I
thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show
itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience
it. This lasted, in the savour of it, for about three or four days, and
then I began to mistrust and to despair again.’[41]
175. ‘Wherefore, still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing
which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast
itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But, oh! it
was hard for me now to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercy,
against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; it was hard work, I say, to
offer to look him in the face against whom I had so vilely sinned; and,
indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after
backsliding from him, as to do any other thing. Oh, the shame that did
now attend me! especially when I thought I am now a-going to pray to
him for mercy that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was
ashamed, yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed
by me; but I saw there was but one way with me, I must go to him and
humble myself unto him, and beg that he, of his wonderful mercy, would
show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.’
176. ‘Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me,
That I ought not to pray to God; for prayer was not for any in my case,
neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by
whom all prayer came with acceptance to God the Father, and without
whom no prayer could come into his presence. Wherefore, now to pray is
but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off,
is the next way to anger and offend him more than you ever did before.’
177. ‘For God, saith he, hath been weary of you for these several years
already, because you are none of his; your bawlings in his ears hath
been no pleasant voice to him; and, therefore, he let you sin this sin,
that you might be quite cut off; and will you pray still? This the
devil urged, and set forth that, in Numbers, when Moses said to the
children of Israel, That because they would not go up to posses the
land when God would have them, therefore, for ever after, God did bar
them out from thence, though they prayed they might, with tears (Num
14:36,37), &c.’
178. ‘As it is said in another place (Exo 21:14), the man that sins
presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar, that he may die; even
as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there (1
Kings 2:28), &c. These places did pinch me very sore; yet, my case
being desperate, I thought with myself I can but die; and if it must be
so, it shall once be said, that such an one died at the foot of Christ
in prayer.[42] This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know;
and that because, together with this, still that saying about Esau
would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of
the tree of life, lest I should taste thereof and live. Oh! who knows
how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer.’
179. ‘I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I
feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in
my soul to think that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that
God had said those words to them that he once did say to the prophet
concerning the children of Israel, “Pray not thou for this people,” for
I have rejected them (Jer 11:14). So, pray not for him, for I have
rejected him. Yea, I thought that he had whispered this to some of them
already, only they durst not tell me so, neither durst I ask them of
it, for fear, if it should be so, it would make me quite besides
myself. Man knows the beginning of sin, said Spira, but who bounds the
issues thereof?’
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an
ancient Christian, and told him all my case; I told him, also, that I
was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he
told me he thought so too. Here, therefore, I had but cold comfort;
but, talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a
stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore, I went to God again,
as well as I could, for mercy still.
181. Now, also, did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying,
that, seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked him to
displeasure, who would have stood between my soul and the flame of
devouring fire, there was now but one way, and that was, to pray that
God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt his Son and me, that we
might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit
in him that his blessed saints enjoyed.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and
who can turn him? Oh! I saw it was as easy to persuade him to make a
new world, a new covenant, or new Bible, besides that we have already,
as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade him that what he had
done already was mere folly, and persuade with him to alter, yea, to
disannul, the whole way of salvation; and then would that saying rend
my soul asunder, “Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is
none other name under heaven, given among men, whereby we must be
saved” (Acts 4:12).
183. ‘Now, the most free, and full, and gracious words of the gospel
were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me as the
thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had
cast him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it to
mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this. Every time that I
thought of the Lord Jesus, of his grace, love, goodness, kindness,
gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises and blessed exhortations,
comforts and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still,
unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would
make place for themselves in my heart; aye, this is the Jesus, the
loving Saviour, the Son of God, whom thou hast parted with, whom you
slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Saviour, the only
Redeemer, the only one that could so love sinners as to wash them from
their sins in his own most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot
in this Jesus, you have put him from you, you have said in your heart,
Let him go if he will. Now, therefore, you are severed from him; you
have severed yourself from him. Behold, then, his goodness, but
yourself to be no partaker of it. Oh, thought I, what have I lost! What
have I parted with! What have I disinherited my poor soul of! Oh! it is
sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb,
the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer (Rev 6).[43] I also trembled, as I
have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that
greatly loved him, and that made it their business to walk continually
with him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their
carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin
against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add
continual affliction and shame unto my soul. The dread of them was upon
me, and I trembled at God’s Samuels (1 Sam 16:4).’
184. Now, also, the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way,
saying that Christ, indeed, did pity my case, and was sorry for my
loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed, as I had done, he
could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared; for my sin
was not of the nature of theirs for whom he bled and died, neither was
it counted with those that were laid to his charge when he hanged on
the tree. Therefore, unless he should come down from heaven and die
anew for this sin, though, indeed, he did greatly pity me, yet I could
have no benefit of him. These things may seem ridiculous to others,
even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most
tormenting cogitations; every of them augmented my misery, that Jesus
Christ should have so much love as to pity me when he could not help
me; nor did I think that the reason why he could not help me was
because his merits were weak, or his grace and salvation spent on them
already, but because his faithfulness to his threatening would not let
him extend his mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already
hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon that was
wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was
more easy for heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have eternal
life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a
steadfast belief that I had of the stability of the holy Word of God,
and also, from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.
185. But, oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I
should be guilty of such a sin for which he did not die. These thoughts
would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I
knew not what to do; but, oh! thought I, that he would come down again!
Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! How
would I pray him and entreat him to count and reckon this sin amongst
the rest for which he died! But this scripture would strike me down as
dead, “Christ being raised from the death dieth no more; death hath no
more dominion over him” (Rom 6:9).[44]
186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, was my
soul, like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed
sometimes headlong into despair, sometimes upon the covenant of works,
and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions
thereof, might, so far forth as I thought myself concerned, be turned
another way and changed. But in all these I was but as those that
justle against the rocks; more broken, scattered, and rent. Oh, the
unthought of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors that are
affected by a thorough application of guilt, yielded to desperation!
This is the man that hath “his dwelling among the tombs” with the dead;
that is, always crying out and “cutting himself with stones” (Mark
5:2-5). But I say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the
old covenant will not save him; nay, heaven and earth shall pass away
before one jot or tittle of the Word and law of grace shall fall or be
removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this
advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the
certainty of the way of salvation, and that the Scriptures were the
Word of God! Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the
steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man’s salvation; what was done
could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin
might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable;
but woe to him that was so driven, for the Word would shut him out.
187. Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day
I walked to a neighbouring town, and sat down upon a settle in the
street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my
sin had brought me to; and, after long musing, I lifted up my head, but
methought I saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to
give light, and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the
houses, did bend themselves against me; methought that they all
combined together to banish me out of the world; I was abhorred of
them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits,
because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy, now, was every
creature over [what] I was; for they stood fast and kept their station,
but I was gone and lost.
188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said ‘to
myself,’ with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch as I?
I had no sooner said it but this returned upon me, as an echo doth
answer a voice, This sin is not unto death. At which I was as if I had
been raised out of a grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldest
thou find out such a word as this? for I was filled with admiration at
the fitness, and, also, at the unexpectedness of the sentence, ‘the
fitness of the Word, the rightness of the timing of it, the power, and
sweetness, and light, and glory that came with it, also, was marvelous
to me to find. I was now, for the time, out of doubt as to that about
which I so much was in doubt before; my fears before were, that my sin
was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, &c.,
or that if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now,
thought I, if this sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable;
therefore, from this I have encouragement to come to God, by Christ,
for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness as that which stands
with open arms to receive me, as well as others. This, therefore, was a
great easement to my mind; to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it
was not the sin unto death (1 John 5:16,17). None but those that know
what my trouble, by their own experience, was, can tell what relief
came to my soul by this consideration; it was a release to me from my
former bonds, and a shelter from my former storm. I seemed now to stand
upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to
the Word and prayer as any of them.’[45]
189. Now, ‘I say,’ I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but
that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But, oh, how
Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could by
no means do it, neither this day nor the most part of the next, for
this sentence stood like a mill post at my back; yet, towards the
evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me and to
withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears
again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared
the sorrow of despair; ‘nor could my faith now longer retain this
word.’
190. But the next day, at evening, being under many fears, I went to
seek the Lord; and as I prayed, I cried, ‘and my soul cried’ to him in
these words, with strong cries:—O Lord, I beseech thee, show me that
thou hast loved me with everlasting love (Jer 31:3). I had no sooner
said it but, with sweetness, this returned upon me, as an echo or
sounding again, “I have loved thee with an everlasting love.” Now I
went to bed at quiet; also, when I awaked the next morning, it was
fresh upon my soul—‘and I believed it.’