have remembered that word, “Touch me not, Mary,” &c., I have seen as if
he leaped at the grave’s mouth for joy that he was risen again, and had
got the conquest over our dreadful foes (John 20:17). I have also, in
the spirit, seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me,
and have seen the manner of his coming from heaven to judge the world
with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures
following, Acts 1:9, 10, 7:56, 10:42; Hebrews 7:24, 8:3; Revelation
1:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:17, 18.
122. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both
man as well as God, and God as well as man; and truly, in those days,
let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven,
all was as nothing to me, I counted not myself set down in any truth of
God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how
to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of the Revelation came into
my mind, “And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the
four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb.” In the
midst of the throne, ‘thought I,’ there is his Godhead; in the midst of
the elders, there is his manhood; but oh! methought this did glister!
it was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other
scripture also did help me much in this, “To us a child is born, unto
us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and
his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The
everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace,” &c. (Isa 9:6).
123. Also, besides these teachings of God in his Word, the Lord made
use of two things to confirm me in these things; the one was the errors
of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers
did oppose his truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading
me into the scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it.[31]
124. ‘The errors that this people then maintained were, 1. That the
holy Scriptures were not the Word of God. 2. That every man in the
world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, &c. 3. That Christ Jesus,
as crucified, and dying 1600 years ago, did not satisfy divine justice
for the sins of the people. 4. That Christ’s flesh and blood was within
the saints. 5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in
the churchyard shall not arise again. 6. That the resurrection is past
with good men already. 7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified
between two thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by
Jerusalem, was not ascended up above the starry heavens. 8. That he
should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews,
come again at the last day, and as man judge all nations, &c.’
125. ‘Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented
by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the
Scriptures, and was, through their light and testimony, not only
enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth’; and, as
I said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that would come
upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and
again, and that too, sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends!
cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like
him.
126. It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in
particular how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how
he did, that he might so do, lead me into his words; yea, and also how
he did open them unto me, make them shine before me, and cause them to
dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of his
own being, and the being of his Son, and Spirit, and Word, and gospel.
127. Only this, as I said before I will say unto you again, that in
general he was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me
to be afflicted with temptation concerning them, and then reveal them
to me: as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even
crushed to the ground therewith, and then the Lord would show me the
death of Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with his blood,
that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that
conscience where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there
would rest and abide the peace and love of God through Christ.
128. Now had I an evidence, ‘as I thought, of my salvation’ from
heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now
could I remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace,
with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were
come, that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight, and joy, and
communion with him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face was
spit on, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins: for
whereas, before, I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now
methought I was got so far therefrom that I could not, when I looked
back, scarce discern it; and, oh! thought I, that I were fourscore
years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to
rest.[32]
129. ‘But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did
greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience, who had writ
some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our
days, I thought, but I desire them now to pardon me, that they had writ
only that which others felt, or else had, through the strength of their
wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived
others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the
deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God in whose hands
are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one day, a book of
Martin Luther; it was his comment on the Galatians—it also was so old
that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over.
Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hands;
the which, when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition,
in his experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book
had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel; for thus thought
I, This man could not know anything of the state of Christians now, but
must needs write and speak the experience of former days.’
130. ‘Besides, he doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the
rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the
like; showing that the law of Moses as well as the devil, death, and
hell hath a very great hand therein, the which, at first, was very
strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But
of particulars here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must let
fall before all men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the
Galatians, excepting the Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I
have seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.’
131. ‘And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh!
methought my soul cleaved unto him, my affections cleaved unto him. I
felt love to him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I thought I
should die in my nest; but I did quickly find that my great love was
but little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to
Jesus Christ, could let him go again for a very trifle; God can tell
how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my
love was tried to purpose.’
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered
me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly
in the faith of his holy gospel, and had given me such strong
consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in
his love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with
a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to
exchange him for the things of this life, for anything. The temptation
lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually
that I was not rid of it one day in a month, no, not sometimes one hour
in many days together, unless ‘when’ I was asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were
once effectually in Christ, as I hoped, through his grace, I had seen
myself, could never lose him for ever—for “the land shall not be sold
for ever, for the land is mine,” saith God (Lev 25:23)[33]—yet it was a
continual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as one
such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me
as he had done; ‘and yet then I had almost none others, but such
blasphemous ones.’
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire
and endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the
continuation, or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in
almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith in such sort that
I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast
mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come,
Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; ‘sell him, sell him.’
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred
times together, Sell him, sell him, sell him; against which I may say,
for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually
leaning and forcing my spirit against it, least haply, before I were
aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent
thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had
consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole
days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should and some
times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the
very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this
wickedness, my very body also would be put into action or motion by way
of pushing or thrusting ‘with my hands or elbows,’ still answering as
fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will not, I will
not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds.
Thus reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults, set too
low a value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how
to be composed began.
138. ‘At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but,
forsooth, when I was set at table at my meat, I must go hence to pray;
I must leave my food now, and just now, so counterfeit holy also would
this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I should say in myself, Now I
am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now, or
you will displease God, and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much
afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my
nature, imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should
deny to do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as guilty,
because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken
the law of God indeed.’
139. But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at
other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and
part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, sell
him, sell him, sell him, sell him, ‘sell him,’ as fast as a man could
speak; against which also, in my mind, as and other times, I answered,
No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times
together. But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out
of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let him go, if he
will! and I thought also, that I felt my heart ‘freely’ consent
thereto. ‘Oh, the diligence of Satan! [34] Oh, the desperateness of
man’s heart!’
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot
from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus
getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows,
with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where, for
the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as now
past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, “Or profane
person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for
ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing,
he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, so he sought it
carefully with tears” (Heb 12:16,17).
142. ‘Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut out unto the judgment
to come; nothing now for two years together would abide with me, but
damnation, and an expectation of damnation; I say, nothing now would
abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the
sequel you will see.’
143. These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in
the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But
about ten or eleven o’clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge,
full of sorrow in guilt, God knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard
hap, that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly this sentence
bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made
a stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, begin,
“The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin” (1 John
1:7).
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, in methought I saw as if
the tempter did leer[35] and steal away from me, as being ashamed of
what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of
Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood
of Christ, was no more to it, then this little clot or stone before me,
is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good
encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,
methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins;
but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under
exceeding guilt again.
145. ‘But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau’s
selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long,
all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down,
so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to
turn me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still that sentence
would be sounding in me, “For ye know, how that afterward, when he
would have inherited the blessing-he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears.”’
146. Sometimes also, [36] I should have a touch from that in Luke
22:32, “I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not”; but it would
not abide upon me; neither could I indeed, when I considered my state,
find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of
that grace within me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and
rent in heavy case, for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature
and largeness of my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I could
in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence by
which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that third of
Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the
sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place,
methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for
the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I
thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to
those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as
there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and
mercy, but that had, both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted
Christ as I had done.
148. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin
unpardonable, of which he there thus speaketh. “But he they shall
blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in
danger of eternal damnation” (Mark 3:29). And I did the rather give
credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews common “For ye
know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he
was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it
carefully with tears.” ‘And this stuck always with me.’
149. ‘And now was I both the burden and a terror to myself, nor did I
ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet
afraid to die. Oh, how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself!
Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine own! for there was
nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was
impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from
wrath to come.’
150. And now began I to labour to call again time that was past;
wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come, when
I should be tempted to such a sin! concluding with great indignation,
both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been
torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto. But, alas! these
thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help me;
the thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen.
Oh! thought I, “that it was with me as in months past, as in the days
when God preserved me!” [Job 29:2]
151. Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to
compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those
that were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David’s
adultery and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too
committed after light and grace received; but yet but considering, I
perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the
law of Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his
Word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the
Mediator thereof; ‘I had sold my Saviour.’
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel,[37] when I
considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so
void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but
this? Must it needs be the great transgression? (Psa 19:13) Must that
wicked one touch my soul? (1 John 5:18) Oh, what stings did I find in
all these sentences!
153. ‘What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But
one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s mercy; and must
I be guilty of that? Must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among
so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I
commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man! These things would so
break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I
thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to
aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, “Ye know how that
afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected.”
Oh! none knows the terrors of those days but myself.’
154. After this I came to consider of Peter’s sin, which he committed
in denying his master; and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any
that I could find; for he had denied his Saviour, as I, and that after
light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I
also considered, that he did both once and twice; and that, after time
to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together,
that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again, that his
was but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour.
Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than
either to David or Peter.
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflicte me; yea, it
would grind me, as it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of
God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus
considering of other men’s sins, and comparing of them with my own, I
could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their
wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son
of perdition.
156. But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that
God did set about his people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom
God had hedge in! They were within his care, protection, and special
providence; though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because he
loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the range of
mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would not preserve
me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as
I had done. Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God’s keeping
his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but
to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had
blessed.
157. ‘Now I saw, that as God had his hand in all providences and
dispensations that overtook his elect, so he had his hand in all the
temptations that they had to sin against him, not to animate them unto
wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and
also to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as might not destroy,
but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way
off the renewing of his mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what
kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe
and dreadful of all God’s ways to his people! He would let David,
Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but he would not let them
fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these
be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though he
chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by him, and them whom he makes to
abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added
sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was
killing to me. If I thought how God kept his own, that was killing to
me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that was killing to me.
As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them
that were the called, according to his purpose; so I thought that all
things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.’
158. Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas,
that, if possible, I might find that mine differed from that which, in
truth, is unpardonable. And, oh! thought I, if it ‘should differ from
it,’ though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my
soul in! And, by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally,
but mine was against my ‘prayer and’ strivings; besides, his was
committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a
sudden; ‘all this while’ I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and
driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau’s fall
in mine ears, and of the dreadful consequences thereof.
159. Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin was, for a while, some
little relief unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances,
transgressed so foully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for, I
thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit the
unpardonable sin; ‘also I thought’ that there might be degrees of that,
as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for ought I yet could
perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed
by.
160. ‘I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man
as Judas; I thought, also, how loathsome I should be unto all the
saints at the day of judgment; insomuch, that now I could scarce see a
good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my
heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a
glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good
conscience before him.’
161. ‘I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by
receiving some false opinion; as that there should be no such thing as
a day of judgment, that we should not rise again, and that sin was no
such grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For if these things
should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you ease
for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much
before hand; drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by
possessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and
Ranters do use to help themselves withal.’
162. ‘But, oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it
were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! Methought
the judge stood at the door, I was as if it was come already; so that
such things could have no entertainment. But, methinks, I see by this,
that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth
not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and
error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.’