conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my
ignorance upon me; only he showed me I was lost if I had not Christ,
because I had been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect
righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this
righteousness was nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus
Christ.’
84. ‘But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and
my affliction; that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth
itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of
that, I was more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad; and I
thought I was so in God’s eyes too; sin and corruption, I said, would
as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a
fountain. I thought now that every one had a better heart than I had; I
could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil
himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind.
I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply into
despair; for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not
stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God;
sure I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind; and thus I
continued a long while, even for some years together.’
85. ‘While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,
there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old
people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live
here always; the other was, when I found professors much distressed and
cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife,
child, &c. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little things
as these! What seeking after carnal things by some, and what grief in
others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and spend so
many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be
bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning.
Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah!
how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and
water; I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them
as little burdens. “A wounded spirit who can bear?”’
86. And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the
sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to
let this sight and sense go quite off my mind; for I found, that unless
guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood
of Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind,
than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry
that the blood of Christ might take it off; and if it was going off
without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die,
and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart
again, by bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire upon my spirits;
and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right way,
but by the blood of Christ, and by the application of thy mercy,
through him, to my soul; for that Scripture lay much upon me, “without
shedding of blood is no remission” (Heb 9:22). And that which made me
the more afraid of this was, because I had seen some, who, though when
they were under wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray; but
they seeking rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for
their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of
their mind; and, therefore, having got it off the wrong way, it was not
sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked
after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God ‘the
more,’ that it might not be so with me.
87. And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was
a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the
creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I
counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
88. ‘Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much
goodness of heart, as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man
indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible
world; but by sin he had made himself the most ignoble. The beasts,
birds, fishes, &c., I blessed their condition, for they had not a
sinful nature, they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were
not to go to hell fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced,
had my condition been as any of theirs.’
89. In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time
was come, I heard one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song
(4:1), “Behold thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair.” But at
that time he made these two words, “My love,” his chief and subject
matter; from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed
these several conclusions: 1. That the church, and so every saved soul,
is Christ’s love, when loveless. 2. Christ’s love without a cause. 3.
Christ’s love when hated of the world. 4. Christ’s love when under
temptation, and under desertion. 5. Christ’s love from first to last.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to
the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; If
it be so, that the saved soul is Christ’s love when under temptation
and desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted and
afflicted with temptation, and the hidings of God’s face, yet think on
these two words, “My love,” still.
91. So as I was a going home, these words came again into my thoughts;
and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, What
shall I get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no sooner
passed through my heart, but the words began thus to kindle in my
spirit, “Thou art my love, thou art my love,” twenty times together;
and still as they ran thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer,
and began to make me look up; but being as yet between hope and fear, I
still replied in my heart, But is it true, but is it true? At which,
that sentence fell in upon me, He “wist not that it was true which was
done by the angel” (Acts 12:9).
92. Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did over
and over make this joyful sound within my soul, thou art my love, thou
art my love; and nothing shall separate thee from my love; and with
that (Rom 8:39) came into my mind: Now was my heart filled full of
comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be
forgiven me; ‘yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God,
that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home; I
thought I could have spoken of his love, and of his mercy to me, even
to the very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they
been capable to have understood me’; wherefore I said in my soul, with
much gladness, well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write
this down before I go any further, for surely I will not forget this
forty years hence; but, alas! within less than forty days, I began to
question all again; ‘which made me begin to question all still.’
93. Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true
manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life
and savour of it. Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much
followed by this scripture, “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired
to have you” (Luke 22:31). And sometimes it would sound so loud within
me, yea, and as it were call so strongly after me, that once above all
the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some
man had, behind me, called to me; being at a great distance, ‘methought
he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me
up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me that a cloud
and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not.’[26]
94. ‘Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was
the last time that it sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still
with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears.
I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after
me, that was half a mile behind me; and although that was not my name,
yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called
so loud meant me.’
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of
this sound; which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from
heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming; only
it would make me muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be
the reason that this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so
loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears; but, as I
said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.
96. For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down
upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with
before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another;
first, all my comfort was taken from me, then darkness seized upon me,
after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and
the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and
astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up
questions in me, against the very being of God, and of his only beloved
Son; as, whether there were, in truth, a God, or Christ, or no? and
whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story,
than the holy and pure Word of God?
97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, how can you tell
but that the Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the
Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so
many ten thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, should be
without the knowledge of the right way to heaven; if there were indeed
a heaven, and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should
alone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religion
rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans! and how if all our faith,
and Christ, and Scriptures, should be but a think-so too?
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions,
and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but,
alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would
return again upon me, Though we made so great a matter of Paul, and of
his words, yet how could I tell, but that in very deed, he being a
subtle and cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong
delusions; and also take both that pains and travel, to undo and
destroy his fellows.
99. These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not,
nor dare not utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure
upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number,
continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else
but these from morning to night within me; and as though, indeed, there
could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in
very wrath to my soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with
them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there
was something in me, that refused to embrace them. But this
consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my
spittle, otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these
temptations, would drown and overflow; and as it were, bury all such
thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this
temptation, I should often find my mind suddenly put upon it, to curse
and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ his
Son, and of the Scriptures.[27]
101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times
again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding
and magnifying God the Lord with others, if I have but heard him spoken
of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other, would
bolt out of my heart against him; so that whether I did think that God
was, or again did think there were no such thing; no love, nor peace,
nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded,
that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved
God. I often, when these temptations have been with force upon me, did
compare myself in the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by
force took up under her apron,[28] and is carrying from friend and
country; kick sometimes I did, and also scream and cry; but yet I was
as bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me
away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess
him; and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of
his (1 Sam 16:14).
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin
against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire
to sin that sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should
be quiet until I had committed that; now, no sin would serve but that;
if it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been
as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and
in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have
been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from
opening; and to that end also I have had thoughts at other times, to
leap with my head downward, into some muck hill hole or other, to keep
my mouth from speaking.
104. Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the
estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful
state of mine, and such as my companions was; yea, gladly would I have
been in the condition of dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul to
perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was like
to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces
with it, yet that which added to my sorrow was, that I could not find
that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also
tear and rend my soul, in the midst of these distractions, “The wicked
are like the troubled sea when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up
mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked” (Isa
57:20,21).
105. ‘And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have
given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor
sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that
this should be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and
others, again, could rejoice, and bless God for Christ; and others,
again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember, the Word of
God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me; I
thought my condition was alone. I should, therefore, much bewail my
hard hap; but get out of, or get rid of, these things, I could not.’
106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could
attend upon none of the ordinances of God but with sore and great
affliction. Yea, then was I most distressed with blasphemies; if I have
been hearing the Word, then uncleanness, blasphemies, and despair would
hold me as captive there; if I have been reading, then, sometimes, I
had sudden thoughts to question all I read; sometimes, again, my mind
would be so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things,
that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the
sentence that but now I have read.
107. In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time;
sometimes I have thought I should see the devil, nay, thought I have
felt him, behind me, pull my clothes; he would be, also, continually at
me in the time of prayer to have done; break off, make haste, you have
prayed enough, and stay no longer, still drawing my mind away.
Sometimes, also, he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these: that I
must pray to him, or for him. I have thought sometimes of that—Fall
down, or, “if thou wilt fall down and worship me” (Matt 4:9).
108. Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of
this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God,
then, with great force, hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and
confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and
fancy the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should
pray to those; to these he would, also, at some times especially, so
hold my mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to
nothing else but to these, or such as they.
109. Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting
apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of his gospel; but,
oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with
inexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should
cry with pangs after God that he would be merciful unto me; but then I
should be daunted again with such conceits as these; I should think
that God did mock at these, my prayers, saying, and that in the
audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after
me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as
he. Alas, poor fool![29] how art thou deceived! It is not for such as
thee to have a favour with the Highest.
110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such
discouragements as these—You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool
you; this frame shall not last always; many have been as hot as you for
a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal. And with this, such and such
who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes. Then I should be
afraid that I should do so too; but, thought I, I am glad this comes
into my mind. Well, I will watch, and take what heed I can. Though you
do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you
insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he,
though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last?
Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep. I will ply it close,
but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at
present, yet, if I can pull you from this fire, I shall have you cold
before it be long.
111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present
could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long
would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and
wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and
the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and
thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make
me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like her who
met with the adulterer (Deut 22:27); in which days that was a good word
to me after I had suffered these things a while: “I am persuaded that
neither-height, nor depth, nor life,” &c., “shall—separate us from the
love of God, which is in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:38). And now I hoped long
life should not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then
all questioned by me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was
something to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of
that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we
could, yet we should cry unto God, “My Father, thou art the guide of my
youth”; and should return unto him.
113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 5:21:
“For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might
be made the righteousness of God in him.” I remember, also, that one
day as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the
consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind,
What ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and
abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? that word came suddenly
upon me, “What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who
can be against us?” (Rom 8:31). That, also, was an help unto me,
“Because I live, ye shall live also” (John 14:19). But these were but
hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only
they lasted not; but, like to Peter’s sheet, of a sudden were caught up
from me to heaven again (Acts 10:16).
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover
himself unto me; and, indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the
guilt that, by these things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from
the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put
into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
115. I remember that one day, as I was traveling into the country and
musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of
the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came in my mind, He
hath “made peace through the blood of his cross” (Col 1:20). By which I
was made to see, both again, and again, and again, that day, that God
and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw that the justice of
God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other through this
blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall not forget it.
116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on
my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,
“Forasmuch, then, as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he
also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he
might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil, and
deliver them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime
subject to bondage” (Heb 2:14,15). I thought that the glory of these
words was then so weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready
to swoon as I sat; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy
and peace.
[BUNYAN ATTENDS THE MINISTRY OF MR. GIFFORD, AND BECOMES INTENSELY
EARNEST TO UNDERSTAND THE DOCTRINES OF THE GOSPEL.]
117. At this time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford,
whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability.[30] This man
made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those
false and unsound rests that, by nature, we are prone to take and make
to our souls. He pressed us to take special heed that we took not up
any truth upon trust—as from this, or that, or any other man or men—but
to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality
thereof, and set us down therein, by his own Spirit, in the holy Word;
for, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations come, if strongly,
you, not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you
want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had.
118. This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in
their season; for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of
these his words; for I had felt [what] no man can say, especially when
tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the Holy Ghost.
Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this
doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertained
to God’s glory and my own eternal happiness, he would suffer me to be
without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly
there was an exceeding different betwixt the notions of flesh and
blood, and the revelations of God in heaven; also, a great difference
between that faith that is feigned, and according to man’s wisdom, and
of that which comes by a man’s being born thereto of God (Matt
16:15-17; 1 John 5:1).
119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! even
from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and second
coming from heaven to judge the world.
120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very
good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not anything that I
then cried unto God to make known and reveal unto me but he was pleased
to do it for me; I mean not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus,
but I was orderly led into it. Methought I saw with great evidence,
from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God,
in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from his conception and birth even
to his second coming to judgment, Methought I was as if I had seen him
born, as if I had seen him grow up, as if I had seen him walk through
this world, from the cradle to his cross; to which, also, when he came,
I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my
sins and wicked doings. Also, as I was musing on this, his progress,
that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter (1 Peter
1:19,20).