horse leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, give (Prov 30:15);
yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom
of heaven, that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew
but little; that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor
threats, could loosen it, or make it let go his hold; and though I may
speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a certain truth, it would
then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to
earth, as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to
heaven.’
43. ‘One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to
whom my heart before was knit more than to any other, but he being a
most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoring, I now
shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year
after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he
did; he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, He was well.
But, Harry, said I, why do you swear and curse thus? What will become
of you, if you die in this condition? He answered me in a great chafe,
What would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as I am?’
44. ‘About this time I met with some Ranters’ books, that were put
forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem
by several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to
make a judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought
upon them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should betake myself to
hearty prayer in this manner: O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know
the truth from error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to
approve of, or condemn this doctrine; if it be of God, let me not
despise it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay
my soul, in this matter, only at thy foot; let me not be deceived, I
humbly beseech thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this
while, and that was the poor man that I spoke of before; but about this
time he also turned a most devilish Ranter,[20] and gave himself up to
all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny
that there was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all
exhortations to sobriety. When I laboured to rebuke his wickedness, he
would laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone through all
religions, and could never light on the right till now. He told me
also, that in a little time I should see all professors turn to the
ways of the Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I
left his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I
had been before a familiar.’
45. ‘Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling lying
in the country, I happened to light into several people’s company, who,
though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these
Ranters. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as
legal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection
that could do what they would, and not sin. Oh! These temptations were
suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man, and my nature in its
prime; but God, who had, as I hope, designed me for better things, kept
me in the fear of his name, and did not suffer me to accept of such
cursed principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry
to him to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom; for
I have since seen even the effect of that prayer, in his preserving me
not only from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up
since. The Bible was precious to me in those days.’
46. And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes,
and read as I never did before; and especially the epistles of the
apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and, indeed, I was then
never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying
out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.
47. And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, ‘To one is
given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of
knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith,’ &c. (1 Cor
12:8,9). And though, as I have since seen, that by this Scripture the
Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did
then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that
understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word I
mused, and could not tell what to do, ‘especially this word faith put
me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether
I had any faith or no’; for I feared that it shut me out of all the
blessings that other good people had give them of God;[21] but I was
loath to conclude I had no faith in my soul; for if I do so, thought I,
then I shall count myself a very cast-away indeed.
48. No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant
sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding
that other good people have; yet, at a venture, I will conclude I am
not altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is. For it was
showed me, and that too, as I have since seen, by Satan, that those who
conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet
in their souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.
49. Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to see
my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy
my soul, but did continually, against this my blind and sad conclusion,
create still within me such suppositions, ‘insomuch’ that I might in
this deceive myself, that I could not rest content, until I did now
come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no; this always
running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But how can you
tell you have faith? ‘and, besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, I
was sure to perish for ever.’
50. So that though I endeavoured at the first, to look over the
business of faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the
matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial, whether I had faith
or no. But, alas, poor wretch, so ignorant and brutish was I, that I
knew to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and
accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw
nor considered.
51. Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge
about it, for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my
mind to no man, only did hear and consider, the tempter came in with
his delusion, That there was no way for me to know I had faith, but by
trying to work some miracle; urging those Scriptures that seem to look
that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay, one
day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon
me, to try if I had faith, by doing of some miracle: which miracle at
that time was this, I must say to the puddles that were in the horse
pads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you the puddles. And truly, one
time I was agoing to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak,
this thought came into my mind, But go under yonder hedge and pray
first, that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray,
this came hot upon me, That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do
it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith,
but was a cast-away and lost. Nay, thought I, if it be so, I will never
try yet, but will stay a little longer.
52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had
faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that, for
the present, I neither had it, nor yet, for time to come, were ever
like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own
ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not
tell what to do.
53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at
Bedford was thus, in a dream or vision, represented to me. I saw, as if
they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing
themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering
and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds.
Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass
about this mountain; now, through this wall my soul did greatly desire
to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would go even into the very
midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their
sun.
54. About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still
prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which
I might enter therein; but none could I find for some time. At the
last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the
wall, through which I attempted to pass; but the passage being very
strait and narrow, I made many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even
until I was well nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last,
with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after
that, by a sidling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then was
I exceeding glad, and went and sat down in the midst of them, and so
was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.
55. Now, this mountain and wall, &c., was thus made out to me—the
mountain signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone
thereon, the comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that were
therein; the wall, I thought, was the Word, that did make separation
between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in this
wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father
(John 14:6; Matt 7:14). But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful
narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but with great difficulty,
enter in thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life, but
those that were in downright earnest,[22] and unless also they left
this wicked world behind them; for here was only room for body and
soul, but not for body and soul, and sin.[23]
56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time, I
saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a
vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the
sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever I was, whether at home or
abroad, in house or field, and should also often, with lifting up of
heart, sing that of the 51st Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for
as yet I knew not where I was.
57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I
had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction, here I began
to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future
happiness; especially with such as these, Whether I was elected? But
how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?
58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;
sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to
speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,
that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and
though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so
offend and discourage me, that I was, especially at some times, as if
the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and
power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all
my desires, “It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth,
but of God that showeth mercy” (Rom 9:16).
59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently
saw, that unless the great God, of his infinite grace and bounty, had
voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,
and long and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.
Therefore, this would still stick with me, How can you tell that you
are elected? And what if you should not? How then?
60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you are
not, said the tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said
Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no further; for if,
indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk
of your being saved; “For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him
that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy.”
61. By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not knowing what to
say, or how to answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that
Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence,
thus to start the question; for, that the elect only attained eternal
life, that I, without scruple, did heartily close withal; but that
myself was one of them, there lay all the question.
62. Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and
perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where
I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so
many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I was now quite giving
up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell
with weight upon my spirit, “Look at the generations of old and see;
did ever any trust in the Lord, and was confounded?”
63. At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for
thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the
beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelation, and see if
you can find that there was ever any that trusted in the Lord, and was
confounded. So, coming home, I presently went to my Bible to see if I
could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it
was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that I
was as if it talked with me.
64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me; then I
did ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it
was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that such a
sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize
and abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for I doubted
not but it was in holy Scripture.
65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at
last, casting my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in
Ecclesiasticus 2:10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but
because, by this time, I had got more experience of the love and
kindness of God, it troubled me the less; especially when I considered,
that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical,
yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the
promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for
that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still, at times,
shine before my face.
66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But
how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have
over-stood the time of mercy? Now, I remember that one day, as I was
walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how
if the day of grace be past? And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter
presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus
unto me, That these being converted already, they were all that God
would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got
the blessing before I came.
67. Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might
well be so; wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition,
counting myself far worse than a thousand fools, for standing off thus
long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying
out, Oh, that I had turned sooner; Oh, that I had turned seven years
ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no
more wit, but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven were lost.
68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able
to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my
other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, “Compel them to
come in, that my house may be filled”; “and yet there is room” (Luke
14:22,23). These words, but especially them, “And yet there is room”
were sweet words to me; for, truly, I thought that by them I saw there
was place enough in heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the Lord
Jesus did speak these words, he then did think of me; and that he
knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear
that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before speak this
word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against
this vile temptation. ‘This, I then verily believed.’
69. In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while;
and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should
think on me so long ago, and that he should speak them words on purpose
for my sake; for I did then think, verily, that he did on purpose speak
them, to encourage me withal.
70. ‘But I was not without my temptations to go back again;
temptations, I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal
acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense
of death and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were,
continually in my view; I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of
whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth (Dan
5:19). Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this
world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget all. Which
consideration was a great help to me.’
71. ‘I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning
the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts
were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the people of
God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children of the wicked
one. Now, I read that the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought
I, they show us we must feed upon the Word of God. They also parted the
hoof; I thought that signified we must part, if we would be saved, with
the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them I
found, that though we did chew the cud as the hare, yet if we walked
with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet
if we did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that,
but unclean; for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of
the Word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him
that parteth with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the Word of
faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be
never so devout (Deut 14).’ After this I found, by reading the Word,
that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world must be
called by him here; called to the partaking of a share in his Word and
righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of his spirit, and
to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed
fore fit the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven
above.
72. Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do,
fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then
can do me good? ‘None but those who are effectually called, inherit the
kingdom of heaven.’ But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a
Christian’s calling! as when the Lord said to one, “Follow me,” and to
another, “Come after me.” And oh! thought I, that he would say so to me
too, how gladly would I run after him!
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I
cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame
to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such
glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a
share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what could I
have given for it! had I had a whole world it had all gone ten thousand
times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be
converted men and women! they shone, they walked like a people that
carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was
fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage (Psa
16:6). But that which made me sick was that of Christ, in Mark, He went
up into a mountain and called to him whom he would, and they came unto
him (Mark 3:13).
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my
soul. That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no
liking to me, for he called “whom he would.” But oh! the glory that I
saw in that condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldom
read of any that Christ did call but I presently wished, Would I had
been in their clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been
born John; or would I had been by and had heard him when he called
them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call me also. But oh! I feared he
would not call me.
76. And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and showed
me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter.
But at last, after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I
might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that Word came
in upon me—“I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed, for
the Lord dwelleth in Zion” (Joel 3:21). These words I thought were sent
to encourage me to wait still upon God, and signified unto me, that if
I were not already, yet time might come I might be in truth converted
unto Christ.[24]
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in
Bedford, and to tell them my condition, which, when they had heard,
they told Mr. Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk
with me, and was willing to be ‘well’ persuaded of me, though I think
but from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should
hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with the soul;
from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time
began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my
wicked heart, for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it
began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for
wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and
corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me, in wicked
thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also
for heaven and life began to fail. I found also, that whereas before my
soul was full of longing after God, now my heart began to hanker after
every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that
that was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it
would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as
a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from flying.
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I further from
conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in
my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid
me low as hell. If now I should have burned at a stake, I could not
believe that Christ had love for me; alas, I could neither hear him,
nor see him, nor feel him, nor savour any of his things; I was driven
as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, the Canaanites would
dwell in the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which,
when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises;
but they had as good have told me that I must reach the sun with my
finger as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promise; and as soon
as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling was against me; and
I saw I had a heart that would sin, and ‘that’ lay under a law that
would condemn.
80. These things have often made me think of that child which the
father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet a coming to him, was
thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him that he lay
and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9:42; Mark 9:20).
81. Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up
against the Lord, and against his holy Word. I have found my unbelief
to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door to keep him out, and that
too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh cried, Good Lord,
break it open; Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of
iron asunder (Psa 107:16). Yet that word would sometimes create in my
heart a peaceable pause, “I girded thee, though thou hast not known me”
(Isa 45:5).
82. But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more
tender than now; I durst not take a pin or a stick, though but so big
as a straw, for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every
touch; I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should
misplace them. Oh, how gingerly[25] did I then go in all I did or said!
I found myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir; and ‘was’
there left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.