ancient times: remember also your songs in the night; and commune with
your own heart” (Psa 73:5-12). Yea, look diligently, and leave no
corner therein unsearched, for there is treasure hid, even the treasure
of your first and second experience of the grace of God toward you.
Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you; remember your
terrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell; remember also your
tears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge for
mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar to remember? Have you forgot the
close, the milk house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God
did visit your soul?[5] Remember also the Word—the Word, I say, upon
which the Lord hath caused you to hope. If you have sinned against
light; if you are tempted to blaspheme; if you are down in despair; if
you think God fights against you; or if heaven is hid from your eyes,
remember it was thus with your father, but out of them all the Lord
delivered me.
I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations and
troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of God
with my soul. I could also have stepped into a style much higher than
this in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all things
more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not. God did not play in
convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of me, neither did
I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell
caught hold upon me; wherefore I may not play in my relating of them,
but be plain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was. He that
liketh it, let him receive it; and he that does not, let him produce a
better. Farewell.
My dear children, the milk and honey is beyond this wilderness. God be
merciful to you, and grant ‘that’ you be not slothful to go in to
possess the land.
JOHN BUNYAN.
GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS; OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE
EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN.
[BUNYAN’S ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF PREVIOUS TO HIS CONVERSION.]
1. In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it
will not be amiss, if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give
you a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the
goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and
magnified before the sons of men.
2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and
inconsiderable generation; my father’s house being of that rank that is
meanest and most despised of all the families in the land.[6] Wherefore
I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of a high-born
state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify
the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door he brought me into this
world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the
gospel.
3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my
parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to
school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained,
according to the rate of other poor men’s children;[7] though, to my
shame I confess, I did soon lose that little I learned, and that even
almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work his gracious
work of conversion upon my soul.
4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in
the world, it was indeed according to the course of this world, and
“the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience” (Eph
2:2,3). It was my delight to be “taken captive by the devil at his
will” (2 Tim 2:26). Being filled with all unrighteousness: the which
did also so strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and
life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals, especially
considering my years, which were tender, being few, both for cursing,
swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God.
5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became
as a second nature to me; the which, as I also have with soberness
considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he
did scare and affright me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with
dreadful visions; for often, after I had spent this and the other day
in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the
apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then
thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be
rid.
6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled
with the thoughts of the day of judgment, and that both night and day,
and should tremble at the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell
fire; still fearing that it would be my lot to be found at last amongst
those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the
chains and bonds of eternal darkness, “unto the judgment of the great
day.”
7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, ‘but nine or ten years
old,’ did so distress my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports
and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast
down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my
sins. Yea, I was ‘also then’ so overcome with despair of life and
heaven, that I should often wish either that there had been no hell, or
that I had been a devil—supposing they were only tormentors; that if it
must needs be that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than
‘be’ tormented myself.
8. A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon
forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them,
as if they had never been: wherefore, with more greediness, according
to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins to my lusts,
and delighted in all transgression against the law of God: so that,
until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all
the youth that kept me company, into all manner of vice and
ungodliness.[8]
9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this
poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented,
I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also
laid myself open, even to the stroke of those laws, which bring some to
disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.
10. In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I
could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that,
when I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian
piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I said unto God,
“Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways” (Job
21:14). I was now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were
both out of sight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were
least in my thoughts.[9] O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were
not hid from thee.
11. Yet this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the
greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my
companions; yet, even then, if I have at any time seen wicked things,
by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As
once, above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity, yet
hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so
great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart to ache.
12. ‘But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now
with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. For
once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning.
Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but mercy yet
preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in the field with one
of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway; so
I, having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having
stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her
sting out with my fingers; by which act, had not God been merciful unto
me, I might, by my desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.’
13. ‘This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a
soldier, I, with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to
besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired
to go in my room; to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and
coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot into the head
with a musket bullet, and died.’[10]
14. ‘Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did
awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew
more and more rebellious against God, and careless of mine own
salvation.’
15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state,
and my mercy was to light upon a wife whose father was counted
godly.[11] This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor
might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish or spoon betwixt
us both, yet this she had for her part, The Plain Man’s Pathway to
Heaven, and The Practice of Piety, which her father had left her when
he died. In these two books I should sometimes read with her, wherein I
also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me; but all this
while I met with no conviction. She also would be often telling of me,
what a godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct
vice, both in his house, and amongst his neighbours; what a strict and
holy life he lived in his day, both in word and deed.
16. Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach
my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did
beget within me some desires to religion: so that, because I knew no
better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit,
to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there
should very devoutly, both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my
wicked life; but withal, I was so overrun with a spirit of
superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all
things, both the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what
else belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were
therein contained, and especially the priest and clerk most happy, and
without doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I
then thought, of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do his
work therein.
17. This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had
I but seen a priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his life,
I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto
him; yea, I thought for the love I did bear unto them, supposing they
were the ministers of God, I could have lain down at their feet, and
have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work, did
so intoxicate and bewitch me.
18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought
came into my mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or
no? For finding in the Scriptures that they were once the peculiar
people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must
needs be happy.[12] Now again, I found within me a great longing to be
resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should. At last
I asked my father of it; who told me—No, we were not. Wherefore then I
fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of
sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion
soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought
of him, nor whether there was one, or no. Thus man, while blind, doth
wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to
the city of God (Eccl 10:15).
20. But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject
was, to treat of the Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that,
either with labour, sports, or otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my
religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and
especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith,[13]
wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and
believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing;
and at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can
remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith,
and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burden upon my
spirit.
21. This, for that instant, did ‘benumb’[14] the sinews of my ‘best’
delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but behold, it
lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my
mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! How glad was I,
that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out,
‘that I might sin again without control!’ Wherefore, when I had
satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and
to my old custom of sports and gaming I returned with great delight.
22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat,[15] and
having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike
it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul,
which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins
and go to hell? At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore,
leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I
had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking
down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if he did
severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other
my ungodly practices.
23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this
conclusion was fastened on my spirit, for the former hint did set my
sins again before my face, that I had been a great and grievous sinner,
and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven; for Christ
would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to
musing upon this also; and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest
it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too
late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for,
thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable
if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be
damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as
to be damned for few.
24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were
present; but yet I told them nothing: but I say, I having made this
conclusion, I returned ‘desperately’ to my sport again; and I well
remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul,
that I was persuaded, I could never attain to other comfort than what I
should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must
not think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill
of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might
taste the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill
my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire;
for that I feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lie
not, neither do I feign this sort of speech; these were really,
strongly, and with all my heart, my desires; the good Lord, whose mercy
is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions.
25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more
usual amongst poor creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun
their spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of
conscience; which frame, he stilly and slyly supplieth with such
despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the soul, yet they
continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no
hopes for them; for they have loved sins, “therefore after them they
will go” (Jer 2:25, 18:12).
26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still
grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did
continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was standing
at a neighbour’s shop-window, and there cursing and swearing, and
playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sat within, the woman
of the house, and heard me, who, though she was a very loose and
ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most
fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me
further, That I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she
heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all
the youth in a whole town, if they came but in my company.
27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that
too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood
there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I
might be a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak
without this wicked way of swearing;[16] for, thought I, I am so
accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation,
for I thought it could never be.
28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward
so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe
it; and whereas before, I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath
before, and another behind, to make my words have authority; now, I
could, ‘without it,’ speak better, and with more pleasantness, than
ever I could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither
did I leave my sports and plays.
29. But quickly after this, I fell in company with one poor man that
made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk
pleasantly of the Scriptures, and of the matters of religion;
wherefore, falling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook
me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but
especially with the historical part thereof; for, as for Paul’s
epistles, and Scriptures of that nature, I could not away with them,
being as yet but ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or
of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me.
30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and
life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven;
which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did
keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet
now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then I
should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better
next time, and there get help again, ‘for then I thought I pleased God
as well as any man in England.’
31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did
take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel
much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners;
and, indeed, so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor
faith, nor hope; and, truly, as I have well seen since, had I then
died, my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say, continued
about a twelvemonth or more.
32. ‘But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion,
from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and,
truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for
Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man.[17] Now, therefore, they began to
praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and
behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become godly; now, I was
become a right honest man. But, oh! When I understood that these were
their words and opinions of men, it pleased me mighty well. For though,
as yet, I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved to be
talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness,
and, indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well
spoken of, by man. And thus I continued for about a twelvemonth or
more.’
33. ‘Now, you must know, that before this I had taken much delight in
ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such
practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my
mind hankered; wherefore I should go to the steeple house, and look on
it, though I durst not ring. But I thought this did not become religion
neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on still; but quickly
after, I began to think, How, if one of the bells should fall? Then I
chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from
side to side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should
think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the
wall, and then rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam.
This made me stand in the steeple door; and now, thought I, I am safe
enough; for, if a bell should then fall, I can slip out behind these
thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.’
34. ‘So, after this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go
further than the steeple door; but then it came into my head, How, if
the steeple itself should fall? And this thought, it may fall for ought
I know, when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind,
that I durst not stand at the steeple door any longer, but was forced
to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.’
35. ‘Another thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could
quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or
that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was
good, I had great peace in my conscience; and should think with myself,
God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine
own way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I.’
36. ‘But poor wretch as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus
Christ, and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had
perished therein, had not God, in mercy, showed me more of my state of
nature.’
[HIS CONVERSION AND PAINFUL EXERCISES OF MIND, PREVIOUS TO HIS JOINING
THE CHURCH AT BEDFORD.]
37. But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford,
to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came
where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door in the sun,
and talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear them
discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk
talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may say, I
heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my reach;
for their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts,
also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they
talked how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus,
and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted,
and supported against the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they
reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and
told to each other by which they had been afflicted, and how they were
borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own
wretchedness of heart, of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and
abhor their own righteousness, as filthy and insufficient to do them
any good.
38. And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake
with such pleasantness of Scripture language, and with such appearance
of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had found a
new world,[18] as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to
be reckoned among their neighbours (Num 23:9).
39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my
condition to be nought; for I saw that in all my thoughts about
religion and salvation, the new birth did never enter into my mind,
neither knew I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor the
deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret
thoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I understand what
Satan’s temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood and
resisted, &c.
40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I
left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and
discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was
greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced
that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by
them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was
such a one.[19]
41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and
again into the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away;
and the more I went amongst them, the more did question my condition;
and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at
which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering what a blind,
ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before I was; the one was
a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall
under the conviction of what by Scripture they asserted; and the other
was a great bending in my mind to a continual meditating on it, and on
all other good things which at any time I heard or read of.