the right ordering his authority. It is a main part of this wisdom,
to conform the use of his authority to the disposition of his wife.
There is a great difference in tempers: some are more stiff, some more
pliant; some are easy to be ruled, some the contrary. Some require
more sharpness; others will be better wrought upon by gentleness; and
wisdom teaches to frame all commands, reproofs, rewards, according to
the condition of the person. A soft, tender woman must be dealt with
tenderly; a rough, high-spirited one, with more sternness and severity.
And herein an husband must not follow his own inclinations, but bow
himself to the temper of his wife. As she is more apt to grieve or
rage, to be dejected or careless, so ought a man to shape his words
and behaviour, that he may most heal and least provoke those passions
to which she is most liable. St. _Peter_ points all men to this part
of discretion, when he terms women, _the weaker vessel_; meaning,
subject to more natural infirmities than the man. So much the more
should the husband shew himself a man of knowledge toward her.
Our Saviour’s government may be our example. He well considers the
particular nature of all his members, sees the tempers and infirmities
of each, and deals with them accordingly. And his wisdom appears
in mixing a fit cup of consolation or affliction for every soul.
Every husband must carefully imitate this: for if some women were
reproved so frequently and so sharply as others; they would be quite
disheartened: and if some were to receive so great kindness and such
commendations as others need, they would be utterly destroyed by pride.
Now the art of government must moderate all these things, according to
the nature of the governed. And this art the giver of wisdom will not
deny, to them that earnestly crave it at his hands.
8. Another part of wisdom is, to chuse a fit time and place for every
act of authority. Two rules may be observed with regard to time,
particularly in reproving, that being a thing wherein most caution
should be used, because it is most apt to be taken ill, and because
if it speed well, it does much good, if not, it does much hurt. But
in all other parts of government, the same rules are so needful, that
much mischief will grow by not observing them. Now, as in this case
there are two persons concerned, so a time of reproving or commanding
must be chosen, suitable to both. It must be then used, when he is
fit to use it well, and she to take it well. First then, when a man
himself is quiet, in tune, and free from perturbation, then probably
he will reprove or command well. But when anger boils within, let him
forbear exercising any part of his authority, till he recover his due
temper. Authority cannot be well managed, but by the hand of wisdom.
Therefore undertake not to exercise it, at a time when wisdom is
banished. Go not about such a work, but when thou art thyself, when
thy mind is settled, thy judgment clear. Then shew thy wife her duty,
then tell her of her faults; else she will never mend her faults or
see her duty. Chuse, secondly, the time wherein she is most capable
of receiving information or reproof: when she is chearfully quiet,
well-pleased, free from excessive grief, anger, pain, sickness, which
often untunes the soul, then is a good time to advise or tell her of
a fault. Else her passions will make her as unable to take any thing
well, as his will make him unable to do it well.
9. As to place, commendations or easy commands may be given before
others. But for reproofs, the most secret place is generally the
most convenient. Or if you would have her do or forbear any thing,
which you think will be displeasing to her to hear, tell your mind in
private, and then persuade where you may freely speak all that is fit
to be spoken. “But what if women offend in public, before servants and
children, and strangers?” I answer, in this case, a man may shew his
dislike, that others may not be hurt by the bad example. But he should
delay the proper, home reproof, ’till his wife and he be together
alone.
10. Next to wisdom is mildness, a very necessary virtue in this
society. No woman can endure her husband’s government with comfort,
if gentleness do not temper it. The Lord Jesus is the most gentle and
meek governor in the world: and when he requireth us to take his yoke
upon us, he commends himself as meek and lowly, his _yoke_ as _easy_
and his _burden_ as _light_. This is the best precedent for husbands
to follow, the most worthy copy for them to write after. The apostle
teaches us to be gentle, not only to the good, but also to them that
are froward. Surely then the husband must be gentle toward his wife,
tho’ she be of a froward disposition. Yea, we are commanded to shew
all meekness to all men: much more should each man shew it to his wife.
And that in both the parts of authority, in directing and recompensing.
11. As to the former, the husband should beware of extending the use
of his commanding power too far. Let him use it as seldom, and as
little as possible. It may suffice him to know, that God has given
him the right of directing, in every thing which is not sinful. But
in the exercise of it, he must shew himself of a kind and free nature,
not rigorously taking upon him, to command all he may, but willingly
gratifying his wife, in some, in many, in most things, that she may
with the more chearfulness, be subject to him in others. Let him also
shew mildness, in forbearing hard commandments, as much as possibly
he can. Beware of crossing your wife, without cause, and forcing her
to things against her natural disposition. Enjoin nothing of this
kind, unless there be an absolute necessity. And as to the manner
of commanding, let nothing be imperiously prescribed, but with sweet
kindness and familiar requests. Indeed, if the wife will try for
mastery, and strive to cast off the yoke of obedience, then it is
needful for the husband, with good words, to stand for his authority,
even somewhat stifly and peremptorily professing, that he will have
his will in things lawful. But this course should be rarely taken, and
that only in matters of importance. In other cases it is better mildly
to wish this or that, than haughtily to enjoin it.
12. But mildness is never so needful as in reproving, both with regard
to the matter and the manner of it. For the matter; find not fault
with every foible; chide not for every infirmity. What is not of a
gross nature, or done wilfully, may be passed over either with none,
or half a word. The love which passes by weaknesses is necessary
toward strangers; much more with those who are so nearly united. *Be
not therefore extreme or rigorous, but be affected toward thy wife, as
a tender mother toward her child. Pray to God against all her faults;
see and commend all her virtues: but petty wants and little ordinary
weaknesses, seldom take notice of, or reprove. Let her perceive,
that thou dost, but wilt not know them. And thy unwillingness to
see and reprove, will make her, if she has any spark of generosity,
more willing to see and reform. But an ever-lowering and ever-chiding
husband will make his wife worse than she would otherwise be. For the
manner of reproving, even when it is most needful, it should be very
gentle. The words and gestures used to press the fault, should be mild
and amiable, breathing out love and pity at once. No patient is so
desirous of health, that he will drink a potion scalding hot. So it is
with reproof: if it, as it were, scald the ear with bitter upbraiding,
with railing words, and a fiery look, it will never gain passage to
the heart. Compassion, kindness, declaring your sorrow for her fault,
desire of her good, and care for her amendment, these incline the
will to accept of an admonition, and help the effect of it. I am
not against the wholesome earnestness of reproving; but this may be
without bitterness or fierceness. An admonition is then healthfully
sharp and earnest, when a man with much plainness of speech and
strength of reason lays open the greatness and danger of the
sin, and vehemently enforces them on the sinner’s conscience: but
compassionately still, with a declaration of more sorrow than anger,
of more grief for her fault and danger, than displeasure against her
person.
CHAP. VI.
_Of the_ Wife’_s peculiar_ Duties.
1. THE special duties of a wife may be reduced to two heads, To know
herself the inferior, and to behave as such. First, She must know
herself the inferior; she must be thoroughly convinced, that she is
not her husband’s equal, without which there can be no content, either
in her heart, or in her house. Where the woman counts herself equal
with her husband, (much more, if she count herself better) the root of
all good carriage is withered, the fountain thereof dried up. Whoever
therefore would be a good wife, let this sink into her inmost soul,
“My husband is my superior, my better: he has the right to rule over
me. God has given it him, and I will not strive against God. He is
my superior, my better.” Unless she has learnt this lesson perfectly,
unless she has it at her fingers ends, if her very heart does not
thoroughly agree thereto, there will be nothing between them but
wrangling, repining, striving: so that their life will be little else
than a continual battle, a trying for masteries. Let us grant, you
have more wit and understanding than him, more readiness of speech,
more skill in business. Yet consider; your servant may exceed you
in all these, as much as you do him. And yet you would be loath that
your servant should claim an equality either with him or you. Know
then, a man may be superior in place to him, who is his superior in
gifts: and know likewise, thou dost abuse the gifts of God, if thence
thou infringest thy husband’s superiority. Wherefore, with all thy
understanding, understand this, that God has made him thy governor and
ruler, and thee his inferior, to be ruled by him, and to submit to him
in all things. Though he be of meaner birth and smaller capacity, tho’
he had no wealth or name before thou didst marry him, yet from that
hour the case is changed, and he is no longer beneath thee, but above
thee. Set it down therefore as a conclusion never to be called in
question. “My husband is my superior.”
2. The wife knowing herself the inferior, must, secondly, behave as
such, by reverence and subjection to her husband. First, By reverence.
She owes this to her husband, as much as the children or servants do
to her: yea, as they do to him; only hers is sweetened with more love
and familiarity. She is no less bound to _reverence her husband_, than
are the rest of the family. This alone is the difference; she may be
more familiar, not more rude, as being more dear, not less subject
than they.
3. And this reverence must be both inward and outward. First, she
must have an inward, dutiful respect for her husband. She must regard
him as God’s deputy, not looking to his person but his place, not
thinking so much, what he is, as whose officer. So the apostle, _Let
the wife see that she reverence her husband_. Of all things, let her
not fail in this. He here prescribes such a loving, not slavish, fear,
as stands with the closest union of heart. And from this fear, she
abhors and shuns, as the greatest evil which can befal her, next
to the breaking the commandments of God, to displease or offend her
husband. We stand in due awe of God, when we loath the breach of
his commandments, as the greatest of all evils. And the wife duly
stands in awe of her husband, when next to that evil, she shuns the
disobeying or grieving him, who is above her, next to God. I know many
♦women care as little for their husbands, as their husbands do for
them. But if thou wilt ever please God, take much pains with thy heart,
to make it stand in awe of thy husband. As a wife grows in this, so
may she look to get the better of all her other infirmities: as she
is careless herein, so shall she be pestered with various other evils.
“But how shall she bring her heart to this?” By looking thro’ her
husband to God the author of marriage, and putting herself often in
mind, not of his deserts, but of God’s ordinance. The husband is to
the wife _the image and glory of_ God: the power that is given to him
is God’s originally, and his by God’s appointment. Look not therefore
on the qualities of thy husband, but upon his place. If thou despisest
him, the contempt redounds upon God, who hath ordained him to be thy
head. If therefore thy heart be seasoned with the fear of God, thou
wilt fear thy husband also.
♦ ‘woman’ replaced with ‘women’
4. And this inward will produce outward reverence, both in her words
and actions. Her words are either to himself, of him behind his back,
or to others before him. And, 1. Her words to himself should neither
be sharp, sullen, passionate, not rude, careless or contemptuous: such
as shew neither anger, nor neglect, but all lowliness and quietness
of affection. What kind of words would you dislike from a servant or
child? Those must you not give your husband. For the same duty of fear
is in the same words, and with the same plainness enjoined to thee
that is to them. Indeed a wife, as I observed before, may be more
familiar: yet there is an excess of familiarity which is blame-worthy.
Why should a woman be so over-bold as to call her husband, _Tom, Dick,
Ned_? Could she speak otherwise to her child or servant? Certainly
those speeches of hers which are most familiar should still have a
print of reverence upon them.
5. Her words also to others in his presence should be such as witness
a due reverence to him: In his company she should be more cautious
of her behaviour to any, than otherwise she need to be. Her words to
children and servants in his sight, ought not to be loud or snappish.
If she perceive a fault in them, she should remember her better stands
by, and therefore not speak, but upon necessity, and then utter the
reproof in a more still and mild manner, than she might have done in
his absence. You allow not your children or servants to be loud before
you. And will you be so before your husband!
6. A wife’s words likewise concerning her husband behind his back,
should be dutiful and respectful. She must not talk of him with a kind
of carelessness, much less with reproachful terms. Hence the apostle
recommends the example of _Sarah_: who when she but thought of her
husband, in the absence of all company, (_Gen._ xviii. 12.) reverently
intitled him, _My Lord_. Who would bear a child speaking against his
father behind his back? And shall it be thought sufferable in a wife?
He that allows not an evil thought of the prince, will not allow evil
speeches of the husband.
7. Yea, the very gestures and countenance of a wife, as well as her
words, should be mixt with reverence. Both good and bad tempers have
more ways of uttering themselves than by the tongue. _Solomon_ speaks
of an _eye that despiseth his mother_: so the eye of a wife may be a
despising eye and her gestures may proclaim contempt, tho’ her tongue
be altogether silent. But rude and contemptuous behaviour are no less
uncomely than disrespectful words. Wherefore, if you condemn these in
your children toward yourself, allow them not in yourself toward your
husband.
8. The second duty, subjection, implies obedience to his commands,
and submission to his reproofs. The former is expresly enjoined in
those words, _Let the wife be subject to her husband in all things_.
And indeed, if she refuse it to him, how can she require it of the
children and servants? For it is due to her only as his deputy, and
a substitute under him. “But how far must she be subject to him?” The
apostle tells us, _In all things, in the_ Lord. Obedience, you see,
must be universal: only so that it may be _in the_ Lord. In every
thing wherein obedience to him would not prove rebellion against
her Maker, she is bound to obey, without any farther question. An
_English_ subject is not bound to obey the King in any thing but
what some law enjoins. His will is no law, neither does it bind the
conscience of his subject. But the husband’s will is a law to his wife,
and binds her conscience in all things indifferent. Nor does even
this suffice, unless she obey readily, quietly, chearfully, without
brawling, contending, sourness.
9. The latter, submission to his reproofs, is also plainly required in
these words, _As the church is subject to_ Christ, _so must the wives
to their own husbands in every thing_. Now, bearing his reproofs is
doubtless a necessary part of the church’s subjection to Christ. Of
consequence it is a necessary part of the wife’s subjection to her
husband.
CHAP. VII.
_Some_ Application _of the Whole_.
1. *AND first, this yields a good instruction to young, unmarried
people; not to rush unadvisedly into this state. A thing of so
difficult a nature, should not be hastily undertaken. If they get not
first their hearts full of grace, and their heads full of wisdom, they
will find their hands full of work, an house full of trouble, and a
life full of woe. Dost thou desire to be married? Unless thou wouldst
meet with gall instead of honey, see what wisdom, what patience, what
grace fit to govern, or fit to obey, thou findest in thyself. Get
these against thou comest to use them, or marriage will yield thee
small contentment. Vain youths will marry, before they have any power
to practise, any understanding to know their duties. But he that leaps
over a broad ditch with a short staff, will fall into the midst: and
he that enters into marriage without great grace, shall fall into
disquietude and vexation. Let unmarried people think of this, and be
wise before pain teaches them wisdom.
2. Secondly, I advise all married persons to be well acquainted with
these duties, and to mark their own failings therein. Let the wife
know her’s, the husband his, and both, the common duties. I desire
they would each observe their own, and not each the other’s failings.
Indeed it may be feared, many will be the worse for what has been said,
because they heard amiss. The husband may perhaps ring his wife a peal
concerning her duty, and tell her, how her faults were ript up; and
yet never consider his own. The wife may tell him of his faults, when
she has little or nothing to say of herself. Thus both will be worse,
while they seek to upbraid each other, and not each to amend one.
Unwise man! Unwise woman! Why hast thou not the greatest care, to save
thy own soul? Couldst thou mark what was good for another’s disease,
and not what was good for thy own? Brethren, sisters, let this be
altered in us. If thou be an husband, have more care to know that,
for which thy own soul must answer, than what lies to the account of
another. So thou that art a wife; and woe to that man or woman, who
sees not more failings in him or herself than in the yoke-fellow. If
thy heart were right, thy own sins would be more grievous, and thy
yoke-fellows less. Learn, therefore, to pass by their failings more
easily, and be more censorious toward thy own. Learn to judge thyself.
*He never yet learned to work well at any work, that would cast his
eyes more upon his neighbour’s fingers, than upon his own. But oh!
how common is this? Every man would be a good husband, if his wife,
were not so bad! And she would be a good wife, if her husband were
tolerable. All the accusations, all the judgings are darted at each
other: but what folly is this? Idle man or woman, it is not the
requiring duty from another, but the performing what belongs to
thyself, that will make thee a Christian; that will comfort thee in
temptation, rejoice thee in death, and stand for thee in judgment.
3. In a word. Know thy own duty, mark thy own failings, and thou wilt
not quarrel with thy yoke-fellow. There is no better means of peace,
than for every one to learn his own work, and labour to mend his own
faults. Have you then both been to blame? Repent both, and strain not
courtesy which shall begin. Hast thou been a foolish, passionate, or
an unkind husband? Not regarding thy wife’s good? Cry not, “She has
been thus and thus;” but repent of thy own sin. Seriously confess it
to God. Beseech him to make thee a better husband, that she may be a
better wife. Hast thou been a brawling, disobedient, or discontented
wife? Ask thy heart before God, and dissemble not. If so, clamour not
against thy husband, exclaim not against his passion or unkindness;
but condemn thyself, and call upon God, to make thee reverence and
obey thy husband, as a commander under him. Intreat him to make thee
a better wife, that he may be a better husband. Let each mend one, I
mean himself, and contention will cease. Pray each for yourself first,
then for the other: labour to see wherein you yourself have offended:
and be not skilful to cast the fault upon another, but to cast it out
of yourself. So shall your loves be sure, your lives comfortable, your
deaths happy, and your memories blessed for ever.
4. Before I conclude, it may not be improper to sum up the duty of
married persons, as parents, and as masters. Their duty as parents
respects either the temporal or the spiritual good of their children.
With regard to the former, you owe them protection and provision of
necessaries, according to that rank and degree, wherein the wisdom
of God has placed you. You are carefully to protect your children,
from all the evils and dangers, to which infancy, childhood and youth
are exposed. You are also to nourish and sustain them; not only to
provide for them for the present, but to take care for their future
subsistence. If you have not a patrimony to leave them, it behoves
you to leave them an art or calling, whereby thro’ diligence, with
the blessing of God, they may procure food convenient for them. *In
the choice of this calling, you should chiefly have an eye to their
general Christian calling, and consider not so much what will conduce
most to their temporal profit or honour, as what will most effectually
advance their spiritual and eternal interest. This is a weighty point:
it were well if all parents would deeply lay it to heart. It should
next be considered, whether the calling proposed be suitable to their
genius and inclination: which are to be consulted on this head, only
not as much as their eternal welfare.
5. With regard to their spiritual good, your first labour of love
is, to present them to God in baptism. You are then to inure them to
good, to instruct and admonish them, to educate them in the knowledge
and fear of God, to season their minds as early as possible with the
fundamental truths of religion, and in such a manner as is best suited
to their capacity, to train them up in all holiness. Every instruction
should be seconded by example. Let them continually see, as well
as hear, how they ought to walk acceptably, and to please God. Be
peculiarly careful to set before your children the copies and patterns
of the virtues which you teach. And let them neither see nor hear any
thing from you, which you would not desire to have copied by them.
Even an Heathen, and none of the most virtuous, could say,
_Maxima debetur pueris reverentia._
We ought to reverence and stand in awe of children that nothing may
be spoken or done in their sight, which may taint their tender minds.
They are prone to imitate any; but more especially those who are so
nearly related to them. Which undoubtedly they will be most ready to
do, when example strikes in with their natural propensity to evil.