others names, and that in a double respect: in maintaining them both
between themselves and also among others. First, they must hold fast a
good opinion of each other, so far as it may possibly stand with truth.
Yea, it is no blame for them to have somewhat too good an opinion of
each other: for a man to think his wife not only more handsome, but
more wise and good than she is; (making her virtues carry a greater
show to the eye, by looking at them thro’ the glass of love:) and for
her to think him not only more proper, but more kind and good than he
really is, by taking things with that largeness of good interpretation,
which much love naturally puts upon them. Certainly then they should
be peremptory to give no place to ungrounded, unwarranted surmises.
They must on no account suffer their hearts to grow mistrustful of
each other. All rash, ill-built, hasty surmises, must be far from
them. Otherwise love will go out at the same door, at which suspicion
came in. He or she that has a suspicious head, has not a truly
loving heart. Such may be lustful or fond; but an holy, virtuous,
spiritual affection they cannot have. So long as they give way to
evil surmisings, there is no place for this. *And therefore of all
domestic makebates, of all that breeds quarrel between married people,
nothing in the world is more pestilently effectual to this bad end
than jealousy. Having leavened the heart, it makes the speech tart
and sharp, the countenance sour, the whole behaviour distasteful. No
good words, no good actions, or ♦gestures, or looks can proceed from
a jealous heart. Jealousy will make one suck mischievous things out
of his own fingers ends. Suffer not therefore this evil weed to grow
up in the garden of matrimony. For no good herb will prosper by it;
no praise-worthy thing will flourish. Let all then that are married,
detest any thought of this kind that may arise. Let their hearts
disdain to give the least credit, unless the proofs be more than
manifest. Away then with this makebate jealousy, this quarreler
suspicion, this breeder of brawls, this mother and nurse of contention,
this underminer of love and of good husbandry, of all that should
be profitable to an houshold. Away with it, I say, out of thy heart:
chase it far from thy breast, from thy house. It is better to receive
ten wrongs without suspecting, than to suspect one that is not
received. Wherefore as thou wouldst stand for the good name of thy
companion, against the tongue of a slanderer, so stand for it against
the dreams of thy own heart, against thy own slanderous imagination.
And if any person will suffer his lips to be so ill employed, as
to become Satan’s bellows, by blowing these coals betwixt you, by
telling thee this or that, rebuke such a person, reject his words
with detestation, flee his company, nor defile thy ears and heart,
by giving gentle audience to a whisperer and talebearer. In a word,
wouldst thou love or be loved? Wouldst thou live otherwise in marriage,
than as in a prison or dungeon? Then strengthen thy heart against all
suspicion, and rather be any thing than jealous.
♦ ‘guestures’ replaced with ‘gestures’
7. Ye must be tender also of each other’s reputation abroad.
This requireth two things: First, that each labour to conceal the
weaknesses of the other, so far as is possible, from all men. The
husband must endeavour, that none may know of his wife’s faults, but
himself: and the wife must do her best to keep her husband’s faults
from the knowledge of every creature. On the contrary, to publish each
others sins, is a monstrous treachery. To backbite an enemy is a sin:
how much more to backbite ones yoke-fellow? Whose faults can a man
cover if not his wife’s, that is in effect, his own? Or who can be
free from reproach, if one so near as his wife, deface his good name?
’Tis impossible but man and wife must sooner or later discover their
weaknesses to one another. And for them to be playing the tell-tale
against each other, what soul does not loath to think of it? If thou
hast been so sinfully talkative before, now for shame lay thy hand
upon thy mouth, that thou mayst no more incur the name of fool, by
making thy tongue to spread abroad folly.
8. But besides this, you must faithfully keep each others secrets.
A man may have occasion to acquaint his wife, with things which he
would not reveal to others; so may a woman to acquaint her husband.
Now if in such cases a wife find, that her husband has revealed
what she intrusted with him alone; or he find, that she has revealed
what he spoke to her in the confidence of love, this will breed such
a distrust of the offending party, as will not easily be removed.
Wherefore let husbands and wives always mind this: If he lay up any
thing in her breast, let him find it safe there, as in a chest, which
cannot be opened by any pick-lock. If she commit a thing to his safe
keeping, let it be imprisoned in his bosom. Otherwise no man can chuse
but be strange to one, whom experience has convinced of blabbing. And
it is an infallible truth, that there is no comfortable living with
one whom you cannot trust.
9. The last part of faithful helpfulness to each other, is that which
concerns their estates. And to this end it is requisite, first, that
all things be common between them, goods as well as persons: For
if they make not a division in the greater, it is absurd to make it
in the less. They should have one house and one purse: for they are
one, and their estates should be one also. And having thus united
their fortunes, let them, secondly, practise good husbandry therein.
This implies three things, diligence in getting, prudence in saving,
providence in foreseeing. These three, industry, frugality, and
forecast, make up good husbandry. And if any of these are wanting,
so much is wanting to the perfection of it; and so much also will be
wanting, for their comfort and prosperity.
CHAP IV.
_Of the_ duties _of the married to their_ family.
1. A Man and his wife, who before were members of other families, join
together that they may become the roots of a new family: Wherein by
training up their servants and children, they provide plants for God’s
vineyard, the church. In this family the husband is the head; the
wife is the next, as subordinate to him. They are both to maintain
and govern their family. First, they must join in providing it with
all necessaries, imitating herein the father of this great family,
the world, who fills every creature with good things fit for it. But
they must govern as well as maintain their houshold; the man as God’s
immediate officer, the woman as an officer deputed by him, not equal,
but subordinate: he, by the authority derived immediately from God,
she by authority derived from her husband.
2. The first point, in order to the due government of their family, is
to educate their children well; more especially in their tender years.
I cannot lay down a better method for this, than is laid down in a
letter printed some years since; part of which is here subjoined.
*“According to your desire, I have collected the principal rules I
observed in educating my family. The children (she had ten who came to
man’s estate, eight of whom were frequently at home together) were put
into a regular method of living, in such things as they were capable
of, from their birth, as in dressing, undressing, changing their linen,
&c. The first quarter commonly passes in sleep. After that, they were,
if possible, laid into their cradles awake, and rocked asleep, and so
they were kept rocking till it was time for them to awake. This was
done to bring them to a regular course of sleeping, which at first was
three hours in the morning, and three in the afternoon: afterwards two
hours till they needed none at all.
*“When they were turned a year old, they were taught to fear the rod,
and cry softly. By this means they escaped abundance of correction
which otherwise they must have had, and that odious noise of the
crying of children was rarely heard in the house.
*“As soon as they were grown pretty strong, they were confined to
three meals a day. They were never suffered to chuse their meat, but
always ate such things as were provided for the family. Whatever they
had, they were never permitted to eat of more than one thing. Drinking
or eating between meals was never allowed, but in case of sickness,
which rarely happened.
*“At six they had their supper. At seven their maid washed them, and
got them all to bed by eight. Then she left them in their several
rooms awake: for we allowed no such thing, as sitting by a child till
it fell asleep.
“They were so constantly used to eat and drink what was given them,
that when any of them was ill, there was no difficulty in making them
take the most unpleasant medicine. This I mention, to shew a person
may be taught to take any thing, be it ever so disagreeable.
*“In order to form the minds of children, the first thing to be done,
is, to conquer their will. To inform their understanding is a work of
time, and must proceed by slow degrees: but the subjecting the will is
a thing which must be done at once; and the sooner the better. For by
our neglecting timely correction, they contract a stubbornness, which
is hardly ever to be conquered, and never without using that severity,
which would be as painful to us as to the children. Therefore I call
those cruel parents, who pass for kind and indulgent: who permit their
children to contract habits, which they know must be afterwards broken.
“Whenever a child is corrected, it must be conquered. And when his
will is totally subdued, then a great many childish follies and
inadvertencies may be past by. Some should be overlooked and taken
no notice of, and others mildly reproved. But no wilful transgression
should ever be forgiven, without chastisement, less or more.
“I insist upon conquering the wills of children betimes, because this
is the only foundation of a religious education, without which both
precept and example will be ineffectual. But when this is throughly
done, then a child is capable of being governed by the reason of
its parent, till its own understanding comes to maturity, and the
principles of religion have taken root.
*“I cannot yet dismiss this subject. As self-will is the root of all
sin and misery, so whatever cherishes this in children, ensures their
after wretchedness and irreligion; and whatever checks and mortifies
it, promotes their future happiness and piety. This is still more
evident, if we consider, that religion is nothing else but the doing
the will of God, not our own: and that self-will being the grand
impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness, no indulgence of it
can be trivial, no denial of it unprofitable. Heaven or hell depends
on this alone. So that the parent who studies to subdue it in his
children, works together with God in the saving a soul; the parent
who indulges it, does the devil’s work, makes religion impracticable,
salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies, to damn his
child, soul and body for ever.”
3. This advice, first, to conquer the wills of children, is exactly
agreeable to the apostle’s direction to parents, Eph. vi. 4. _Train
them up_, (I do not say, _in the nurture and admonition of the_ Lord;
for I know not what that odd expression means, but) ἐν παιδεία καὶ
νουθεσία Κυρίου, _in the discipline and instruction of the_ Lord. Ἐν
♦παιδεία, _in the discipline_ first; then ἐν νουθεσία, in Christian
knowledge; because they may be inured to discipline, before they
are capable of _instruction_. *This therefore I cannot but earnestly
repeat, break their wills betimes: begin this great work before they
can run alone, before they can speak plain, perhaps before they can
speak at all. Whatever pains it costs, conquer their stubbornness:
break the will, if you would not damn the child. I conjure you, not to
neglect, not to delay this. Therefore, 1. Let a child, from a year old,
be taught to fear the rod, and to cry softly. It cannot be exprest,
how much pains this will save both to the parent and the child.
In order to this, 2. Let him have nothing he cries for; absolutely
nothing, great or small. Let this be an unvariable rule; else you undo
all your own work. 3. At all events, from that age, make him do as
he is bid, if you whip him ten times running to effect it. Let none
persuade you it is cruelty to do this: it is real cruelty, not to do
it. If you spare the rod, you spoil the child; if you do not conquer,
you ruin him. Break his will now, and his soul shall live, and he will
probably bless you to all eternity.
♦ ‘παιθεία’ replaced with ‘παιδεία’
4. *But we are by nature not only full of self-will, but likewise of
pride, atheism, anger, falshood and idolatry. Now the end of education
is to counteract and remove all the corruption of nature; of Christian
education in particular, termed by St. _Paul_, _the discipline and
instruction of the_ Lord. Set yourselves, therefore, ye Christian
parents, to the work. Indeed it is not a little one. In order to
accomplish it, you will need both the wisdom and the power of God:
in order to root up, instead of strengthening, as most do, all these
roots of bitterness. Self-will has been spoken of already. The next
evil are you to oppose in children is pride. In order to guard against
this, 1. Never commend them to their face, either for their goodness,
sense or beauty. It is deadly poison. It is the direct way to plunge
their souls in everlasting perdition. 2. Suffer no other to do it, if
you can possibly prevent it: and if any should commend them, in their
hearing, regard not ♦complaisance, or good-breeding so called, but
check them immediately. 3. Lovingly shew them their faults, especially
their wrong tempers, as soon as ever their understanding dawns. 4. In
particular, labour to convince them of atheism: shew them, that they
are _without_ God in _the world_: that they do not know God; that they
do not love, delight in, or enjoy him, any more than do the beasts
that perish. 5. Do not teach them revenge: never say, “Who hurts my
child? Give me a blow for him.” Do not encourage them in anger, by
laughing at, or seeming pleased with their little froward tricks.
Rather check them for the least appearance of it, much more for an
angry word or action. 6. Let property be inviolably maintained among
your little ones. Let none of them dare to take the very least thing,
not an apple or a pin, without, much less, against the consent of the
owner. 7. Do not teach them lying. Never say, “It was not my child
that did so.” On the contrary, inure them to confess their faults,
and to tell the truth at all hazards. 8. Begin early to guard them
against idolatry, against the love of the world in all its branches.
Do nothing to feed in them _the desire of the flesh_; that is, of the
pleasures of sense. Keep them (on this account, as well as on account
of health) to the plainest, simplest diet. If they do not want it as
physic, let them taste no liquid till ten or twelve years old, but
water or milk. Above all, let no tea come within their lips, no strong
drink of any kind. If they never have it, they will never desire it.
It is wholly _your_ fault if they do. Do nothing to feed in them _the
desire of the eye_. Let their dress also be plain and simple. Let them
always (so far as your circumstances will allow) be clean, but never
fine. Let them never wear any thing that is ♠showy, any thing that is
gay or glittering. Put nothing upon them that attracts the eye, either
their own, or that of others. Give them nothing, nor suffer others
to give them any thing that is purely ornamental. Dress your children
just as you dress yourself, that when they are grown up, they may
have nothing to unlearn. More full directions on these heads, and many
others, you have in the “Instructions for Children,” which I advise
every parent to read again and again, and to put it in practice with
all his power.
♦ ‘complisance’ replaced with ‘complaisance’
♠ ‘showey’ replaced with ‘showy’
5. The government of your family in general respects matters of God,
and matters of the world. Your first care must be, that the living God
be duly worshipped by all in your house. To this end, you must read
the scriptures, call upon the name of God among them, and catechise
them in the principles of religion, that none under your roof may be
ignorant of the great truths of the gospel. To this end also you must
see, that they sanctify the sabbath: you must carefully and constantly
bring them to the public assemblies, and examine them afterwards,
how they profit thereby. If this care be wanting, you will want
the blessing of God on all your other cares. Wherefore, let man and
wife be principally helpful to each other in this business. When the
husband is present, let him read and pray with the family, and teach
them the fear of the Lord. In his absence, let his wife do these
duties, or at least take care to see them done. And let both of them
provide and allow convenient time and leisure for the same: and let
each quicken the slackness of the other, if either begin to grow weary.
If he _is worse than an infidel_, who provideth not food and cloathing
for his family, what is he that lets their souls go naked, for want of
that which is both food and cloathing to them; I mean, instruction in
the things that pertain to life and godliness? Herein, then, let all
husbands and wives be of one mind in the Lord, using all good means to
plant and water piety in the hearts of all that are under their care.
6. As to matters of the world, first, They must appoint their
inferiors such works and services, as they are severally fit for, and
then follow and look after them, that they may perform those services.
Had not the Lord seen, that inferiors would need this, he would not
have made this difference in the family. But God saw, that the best
servants need this help, and therefore ordained governors; generally
two, that the absence of the one might be supplied by the presence
of the other. Secondly, You must mark the carriage of your inferiors,
and see what disorders do, or are ready to break in, whether openly
or secretly, that they may be either prevented or resisted speedily.
Idleness, tatling, discord, and many more evils, are apt to steal
even on good servants and children, which the Lord well knowing, made
rulers in the house, to keep all in good order: and if this care be
some trouble, yet the mischiefs which arise from the want of it are
much more troublesome: whereas, if the eyes of the master and mistress
be always open, much peace will follow in the house. Thirdly, You
must join in admonishing, encouraging, reproving, and, if need be,
correcting your inferiors. Both must discountenance what is evil, and
encourage what is good. And in so doing you must take care to maintain
each other’s authority to the full. If one encourage, the other must
not oppose; if one reprove, the other must not defend. If he see cause
to correct the children, she must not grow angry or hinder: neither,
when she would correct, must he save them out of her hands. Nay,
suppose either should exceed, correcting either without cause, or
above measure, the other must not find fault, in hearing of the
inferiors; but they must debate the matter between themselves, and
keep their disagreements from appearing in the family. So therefore
join hands, that your dissention may not blast the fruit of all your
endeavours. So shall you preserve your authority, ♦increase your love
to each other, and procure amendment in your inferiors.
♦ ‘encrease’ replaced with ‘increase’
CHAP. V.
_Of a_ Man’_s keeping his_ Authority.
1. IT is the duty of an husband, to govern his wife, and to maintain
her. The former implies, that he keep his authority, and that he
use it. And, first, every man is bound to keep himself in that place
wherein his Maker hath set him, and to hold fast that precedency which
God hath assigned him. The Lord hath intitled him _your head_, and
he may not take a lower place. The contempt redounds upon God, which
a man takes upon himself, by making his wife his master. But perhaps
some will say, “All this is reasonable, if it were practicable. But
there are some wives so proud, headstrong, and stubborn, that their
husbands cannot govern them.” I answer, most men blame their wives,
when the real fault is in themselves. Man cannot hinder a violent
woman from assaulting his authority, but he may from winning it:
not indeed by violence, but by skill; not by main force, but by a
♦steady and wise proceeding. And, first, let him endeavour to exceed
his wife in goodness as he does in place. Let him walk uprightly and
religiously in his family, and give a good example to all in the house.
Then any reasonable woman will give him the better place, whom she
sees to be the better person. Take pains then to make thyself good,
and that is the most compendious way to make thyself reverenced.
♦ ‘steddy’ replaced with ‘steady’
2. This in general. But in particular, shun those evils, that make a
man seem vile in the eyes of those that are round about him. The first
of these is bitterness: sharp, tart carriage, reviling, passionate,
provoking language, are fitly so called; being as offensive to the
mind, as gall and worm-wood to the palate. This bitterness shews folly,
and works hatred, and therefore must needs be a great underminer of
authority. For wherever want of wisdom is, there will ensue want of
reverence. He that would retain his pre-eminence, must, secondly,
avoid unthriftiness, another great enemy to reverence. Drunkenness,
gaming, and ill company, are the three parts of unthriftiness. And
whoever gives way to any of these, must expect to be despised. Thirdly,
lightness must be avoided by husbands, all foolish, childish behaviour,
that wears no stamp of gravity or discretion, but savours of a kind
of boyishness. If the husband puts a fool’s coat upon his back, can
he blame his wife for laughing at him? Cast therefore all those base
evils from you, and strive for holiness and gravity of conversation,
that your superiority, supported by such pillars, may stand upright
and unshaken.
3. But how is a man to use this authority, so that it may answer the
end for which it is given? The end of it is, _That he may present her
to_ God, _holy and without blemish_; that he may so govern her, as
to weaken every corruption, and strengthen every grace in her soul.
In order to do this, he must temper the exercise of his authority,
by justice, wisdom and mildness. Justice is the life and soul of
government, without which it is no better than a dead carcase: wisdom
is the eye of government, without which it is like a strong man stark
blind. Mildness is the health and good constitution of government: and
when these are all joined together, then the husband is, as it were,
God in the family, a resemblance of his sovereignty and goodness.
4. Justice is to be practised in directing and recompensing. For the
first, a man must not so abuse his authority, as to enjoin any thing
sinful: what God commands, he must not forbid; what God forbids, he
must not command. Let no husband forget, that the Lord in heaven, and
the magistrate on earth, are above him. He and his wife are equally
subject to these. Therefore let him never set his private authority
against theirs, nor make his wife undutiful to either of these, by a
false claim of duty to himself. For instance: let no husband command
his wife to lie for his advantage, to break the sabbath for his gain;
to partake of his fraud, or sin of any kind. Neither let any man
forbid his wife to pray unto God, to attend his word and sacraments;
to use any of the means which God hath made the ordinary channels of
his grace. See then, all ye husbands that your directions to your
wives agree with the laws of God. Otherwise to disobey you is the
better obedience, and to reject your evil directions, is not to deny
subjection to your persons but to your sins, yea to the devil himself,
who rules in you.
5. But this rule of justice must extend a little farther. The husband
must not urge his authority, not only in things unlawful, but even
in those that _seem_ unlawful to his wife’s mistaken confidence. He
ought not to force her to what she _thinks_ a sin. Conscience is God’s
immediate officer, and tho’ it is mistaken, must be obeyed, ’till it
be better informed. Wherefore, when a woman thro’ weakness fancies
a thing indifferent to be sinful, a man must not compel her to act
against her conscience, but with pity and gentleness try to remove
that mistake. “But what if she pretend conscience, when it is but
willfulness?” Then he must wait awhile, and if persuasions avail not,
at length use his authority, and enjoin her to change her obstinacy
into subjection. “But how shall I know, whether she be scrupulous or
stubborn?” I answer, scruple of conscience is grounded on the word of
God, on some text which carries an appearance at least of condemning
the thing in question. But obstinacy is backed with no part of God’s
word. Therefore, if a woman produce some scripture, tho’ perhaps
misinterpreted, for her scruple, she must be tenderly dealt with.
But if she plead conscience, without God’s word, it is probably a
mere pretence. Again, it may be a mistaken conscience, when things
indifferent are deemed either necessary or sinful. But if conscience
be pleaded against doing what God hath plainly commanded, this is
willfulness in error, not weakness of conscience.
♦6. Justice is likewise to be exercised in requiring either the bad or
good carriage of the wife. Bad behaviour may be requited with reproof
or correction. But be sure, not to reprove without a fault. Find not a
fault where no fault is, for fear of making one where there was none.
And observe; a fault reformed is to be accounted no fault. Therefore
it must never be mentioned more. And when a real fault requires
punishment, still the husband must come exceeding slowly to it, and
be very seldom in it, never until he is compelled, because all other
means are ineffectual. For a man to look and behave cooly towards his
wife, to withdraw the testimonies of his love, to cease to trust and
to speak familiarly and chearfully to her, these things I call
punishments. And all things of this kind must be more or less sharp,
as the fault is greater or less, being suited, not to the passion, or
loss, or hurt of the reprover, but to the offence of the reproved. On
the other hand, rewards and commendations should be proportioned to
the nature and degree of her good behaviour: the husband being careful
to feed her virtues, nourish her obedience, and confirm all her
amiable qualities.
♦ ‘9’ replaced with ‘6’