to come! Let us all cast aside from this very hour, whatever does
not become men and _women professing godliness_: whatever does not
spring from the love and fear of God, and minister thereto. Let our
seriousness _shine before men_, not our dress: let all who see us
know that we are not of this world. Let our adorning be that which
fadeth not away, even righteousness and true holiness. If ye regard
not weakening my hands and grieving my spirit, yet grieve not the Holy
Spirit of God. Do you ask, “But what shall I do with the gay or costly
apparel, and with the ornaments I have already? Must I suffer them to
be lost? Ought I not to wear them now I have them?” I answer, There is
no loss like that of using them: wearing them is the greatest loss of
all. But what then shalt thou do with them? Burn them rather than wear
them; throw them into the depth of the sea. Or if thou canst with a
clear conscience, sell them, and give the money to them that want. But
buy no more at the peril of thy soul. Now be a faithful steward. After
providing for those of thine own houshold things needful for life and
godliness, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, relieve the sick, the
prisoner, the stranger, with all that thou hast. Then shall God clothe
thee with glory and honour, in the presence of men and angels: and
thou shalt _shine as the brightness of the firmament_, yea, _as the
stars for ever and ever_.
THE DUTIES OF HUSBANDS and WIVES.
I AM persuaded, it is not possible for me to write any thing so full,
so strong, and so clear on this subject, as has been written near an
hundred and fifty years ago, by a person of equal sense and piety.
I shall therefore only abridge what he has written on the head, with
some few alterations and additions. I beseech you all, who are more
immediately concerned, to read it with the calmest attention, and with
earnest prayer, that what is here written, may be transcribed into
your hearts and lives.
CHAP. I.
_The first duty of the Married_, Chastity.
1. THIS duty is so manifest, that no person whatever can pretend
ignorance of it. The law of God, the law of nature, and the laws of
all well ordered societies enjoin it. The violation of this unties
the marriage-knot, and dissolves the marriage-covenant. For our Lord
himself, who utterly disallows of other divorces, yet allows divorce
in case of adultery. “But may the person wronged admit the wrongdoer
again, after the offence is known?” I answer, they may, provided the
offender give full, satisfactory proof of amendment. We read not any
command to the contrary. But if the offender persist in sin, then the
innocent person, having full proof thereof, is bound to withdraw from
the sinner.
2. Let any who find strong temptations to this sin, 1. Constantly and
conscientiously perform private duties. The blessing of God hereon
will make him conqueror, over what before seemed most unconquerable.
2. Be diligent in your calling, that you may have no leisure for
inflaming imaginations. It is certain, an idle person, if occasion
and constitution serve, will sooner or later prove adulterous. But
diligence joined with hearty prayer, will preserve a man pure and
undefiled. 3. Be exactly temperate. It is easy to put out the fiercest
fire, by withdrawing the fewel. If therefore you would be chaste
in your marriage, be sparing in your food. 4. Carefully shun every
temptation and all opportunities of sin: especially, shun as a rock
the company of any person apt to tempt, or to be tempted; and consider,
that the coldest water will be hot, if it be set near the fire.
3. These directions are such as agree to all, married or unmarried.
There remains another help peculiar to the former, the due use of
marriage. The ordinances of God will answer their end, if our abuse of
them do not hinder. Now God has ordained marriage for this end, among
others, to prevent fornication. Wherefore let it be used in the manner
it ought, and it will surely answer its end. And in this respect, _the
wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband_. Neither _hath
the husband power over his own body, but the wife_. It is not in the
choice of either, whether to live with the other, or not. But they are
bound in conscience so to do, and cannot refuse it without grievous
sin. There may indeed be a separation for a time, if needful affairs
require. But it is not lawful for either the man or the woman to leave
the other totally or finally.
4. In this their society two things are to be observed, that it
be sanctified and temperate. First, it must be _sanctified_, that
is, made lawful and holy to them _by the word of_ God _and prayer_.
The word of God clearly shews the lawfulness of it. For God has
said expresly, _Marriage is honourable among all men, and the bed
undefiled_. But let it also be _sanctified_ or made holy _by prayer_.
Solemnly pray for the blessing of God upon his ordinance, not
forgetting to return him particular thanks for his infinite goodness
herein. That this is requisite none can deny, that will not deny
the authority of St. _Paul_. For he affirms, that marriage, as well
as meat and drink, is sanctified by _prayer and thanksgiving_. As
therefore it is a brutish profaneness, for any man to sit down to his
table, as an horse to the manger, without asking the blessing of God
first, and to return from it, as a fox from his prey, without praising
him that gave him food and appetite; so it is great licentiousness for
married persons to come together, as it were brute beasts, without
either prayer or thanksgiving. The hope of posterity, the stay of old
age, the support of every man’s house, the supply of the church and
common-wealth, hang upon the fruit of marriage. Is it then more than
needs, to ask the blessing of God in a thing of so great importance?
Surely we should bring his curse upon us, were we either to forget it
as needless, or despise it as ridiculous. Yea, whereas marriage is
instituted in part for the subduing inordinate desires, it cannot
answer that end, without God’s blessing; which how can we expect, if
we scorn to ask it? Certainly, the men that use marriage in a brutish
manner, not seeing God therein, nor sanctifying it to themselves by
these means, will thereby become more and more brutish. Wherefore let
no man scoff at a duty plainly commanded by God: but let us learn to
know the full efficacy of prayer, and to reap the fruit of it in all
things.
5. It must, secondly, Be temperate. We are always to remember, God
ordained marriage chiefly for the increase of mankind, and not to
kindle lustful desires, but to quench them. I confess, we should take
great heed of laying snares upon mens consciences, and must be very
careful not to bind them, where God has not bound them. But this
is a sure rule: the quantity of every thing, must be suited to the
end. This being considered, the married are not to provoke desires,
but allay them, when they provoke themselves. They must not strive
to inflame the passions when they are cool, but when they are moved
of themselves, to assuage them. In a word, marriage should be used
as sparingly, as consists with the need of the persons married. A
temperate use promotes purity: excess inflames lust, and inclines
to adultery. Wherefore the foregoing rule should be carefully
observed, that the married come no oftener together, than is needful
to extinguish natural desires, when they would otherwise become
troublesome to them. Now the sanctified use of marriage is also an
help to the temperate use of it. But they seldom fail to exceed,
who do not take care to make all things holy by _prayer and
thanksgiving_.
6. Perhaps one might add, it should ever be accompanied with
chearfulness and willingness. They must neither deny themselves to
each other, nor behave with grudging and forwardness; but rather with
readiness and all demonstrations of sincere affection. The scripture
plainly testifies this, by the very term _benevolence_ or _good-will_.
For no man can call that good-will, which is done churlishly and
discontentedly: a behaviour that naturally tends to alienate the heart,
and create suspicions of estrangement of affection.
CHAP. II.
_Of the_ Love _of married Persons_.
1. THE marriage-covenant binds all that enter into it, to several
other duties, as well as to chastity: but not under the same
forfeiture, failing in these breaks God’s command, but does not break
the bond of matrimony. No ill-behaviour dissolves this, while we are
not wronged as to the marriage-bed. Thou art still an husband or a
wife, though thy yoke-fellow is wanting in many duties. Be careful
therefore to do thy own part still, however slenderly thou art
requited.
2. The duties common to husbands and wives, partly respect themselves,
and partly their families. All the former sort may be reduced to
two heads, love and the fruits of love. First, Love: their hearts
must be united as well as their hands: else their union will be
more troublesome than can be imagined. Love is the life and soul of
marriage, without which it differs from itself as a carcase from a
living body. This makes all things easy, whereas the absence of it
makes all things hard. Love seasons and sweetens every state; love
composes all controversies. In whomsoever love prevails, to them only
marriage is what it should be, a pleasing combination of two persons
into one home, one purse; one heart and one flesh. And this love must
have two especial properties, first, It must be spiritual; secondly,
matrimonial. It must be spiritual in its ground, and in its working.
Its chief ground must be the commandment of God. A Christian must love
his wife, not only because she is beautiful or loving, but chiefly
because God enjoins it. The wife must love her husband, not only
because he is handsome, kind or well-behaved, but because God the
sovereign of all souls, has commanded women to be _lovers of their
own husbands_. Not the face, portion or good qualities of the married,
must be the chief cause of their loving each other, but the will of
God; and that affection which stands on this stable foundation will
be lasting: while that which stands on any other consideration, will
be subject to change every hour. For how can the building stand fast,
if the foundation sink away? Either some storm of contention will
overthrow that love, or it will fall down of itself thro’ age. Or else
it will degenerate into jealousy, the devouring canker-worm, that eats
up the hearts of married persons, and consumes or spoils the sweet
fruit they may reap. But he that loves his wife, because she is his
wife, and God commands him to love her as such, will love her, so long
as she is his wife, whatever she prove beside. Thou lovest thy wife,
because she is fair, good-humoured, courteous: but what if all these
should fail? Thou lovest thy husband, because he is handsome, sensible,
kind: but where will thy love be, if these things should alter? You
see there is no firmness in that love, which is procured only by these
motives. But if thou love thy wife or husband, because God enjoins it,
then thy love will be constant and perpetual.
3. This property of love, that it is spiritual, built on the rock
of God’s commandment, answers all the objections which many would
make against it in their own cases. “Who, says a man, can love such
a wife?” “And what wife, says a woman, can love such an husband?” I
answer, a man whose affection is spiritual, can love even such a wife.
And the woman who has attained to spiritual love finds it possible to
love even such an husband.
4. But as the ground of their love must be spiritual, so must also the
working thereof. It must seek the spiritual good of the person beloved,
by every possible means. For that love which seeks only their temporal
welfare, deserves no better name than carnal love. But surely those
who love each other, because God bids them, will love each other as
God bids them. They will be careful of each others souls, as well
as of their bodies and estates. But alas! How exceedingly does the
love of most married people fail herein? Thou art kind to thy wife
or husband, and it goes to thy heart, to think any thing should be
wanting for their good. It is well; but so may a Turk as well as thou,
if by good, thou meanest only that which is temporal. But dost thou
seek to help thy yoke-fellow to heavenly, as well as earthly benefits?
This is spiritual love: this becomes a Christian husband, and a
Christian wife. Be not then _carnal_ in your love, _walking as men_,
but spiritual as the children of God.
5. *But remember farther, that your love must be matrimonial, as well
as spiritual. It must be matrimonial, with regard, 1. To the degree,
and 2. To the effect of it. For the first, A man should love his wife,
a woman her husband, above all the creatures in the world. Next to
the living God, the wife is to have the highest place in the husband’s
heart, and he in her’s. No neighbour, no friend, no parent, no child,
should be so near and dear to either as the other. They are joined in
the closest of all unions; therefore their mutual affection should be
most abundant. They must do more and suffer more for each other, than
for any other in all the world. They must bear with more faults in
each other than any besides, and be ready to take more pains for each
other.
6. Secondly, As to the effect of this love, it should knit them
together, that they may receive full satisfaction in each other. Love
should cause a man to account his wife the only woman in the world:
and so the wife to account her husband the only man in the world.
The persons of each should be to the other the most precious of all
persons. Do any object, this cannot be, unless every man and every
woman, could find in their own yoke-fellow as amiable qualities as are
to be found in others: I answer, not the good qualities of either, but
the good pleasure of God is the ground of their mutual dearness. Good
qualities make this duty more easy: but it is still a duty, tho’ good
qualities be away. A man may lawfully think another woman a better
woman than his own wife. But he may not love another woman, tho’ more
virtuous, above his own, tho’ less virtuous. This is the effect of
matrimonial love, to settle the heart of each upon the other, above
all in the world besides. It admits of none equal in affection, but
places the yoke-fellow next to our own soul. Nor will it bear the
desire of change, but so links their hearts together, that in this
respect they are only dear to each other.
7. The means to get and confirm this love, is to have one house, one
table, one bed. But besides this natural means of procuring love,
there are two spiritual means. The one is, to take special notice, of
God’s gracious providence in their match. They must often consider,
that God joined them together, for their mutual benefit, as being on
the whole fitter for each other, than any person besides could be. We
know, that a mean gift is often respected, for the giver’s sake. And
he that loveth God, cannot but love all his blessings for his sake.
Wherefore remember, that God in great goodness (for crosses also come
to God’s children from his goodness) hath bestowed this yoke-fellow,
and thou shalt dearly love thy wife or husband, tho’ perhaps not so
well-tempered. For the dearness of the giver will countervail the
defects of the gift. And then thy yoke-fellow’s distempers will grieve
thee indeed, but not alienate thy affection.
8. Another means of uniting your souls is, constantly to join in
exercises of piety. Pray together: sing together: confer together,
concerning your heavenly country. And this will be found an excellent
means of confirming your mutual love. These will nourish the Spirit of
holiness in you: and that inkindles love wherever it comes. By these
you will soon perceive yourselves to have been spiritually profitable
to each other: and to receive a spiritual benefit cannot but beget and
nourish spiritual affection. Naturally you would grow weary of each
other: but if you season your natural communion, with this communion
in spiritual things, it will prevent all satiety. Jars and contentions
are the great hindrances of love; but the joining together in these
exercises, will cause you to jar far more seldom: nor will any sudden
jar fester or rankle, so as to breed hard thoughts of one another,
which are the bane of love. Prayer will prevent most contentions and
compose all: for when you shall appear before God in prayer, instead
of blaming each other, you will each blame yourself, and then all
contention will cease.
9. But some may say, “What shall I do, who have such an husband or
wife, as neither can nor will join with me, in the service of God?”
I answer, pray for that yoke-fellow, who will not pray with thee.
The less able or willing they are to intreat for themselves, the more
frequently and earnestly intreat God for them. It may be, God will
give thee thy desire, and turn their hearts to thee. At least, thy own
soul will gain an increase of heavenly love to them. And this is sure,
that to love your yoke-fellow spiritually and fervently, tho’ you are
not loved again, is far better, than to be loved of them, without so
loving.
CHAP. III.
_Of the_ Effects of Love.
1. THE effects of nuptial love are three, Pleasingness, Faithfulness,
Helpfulness. The first, which must mix itself with all the rest, is
an earnest desire to please each other, so far as it is possible to
be done, without sinning against God. Wherefore the husband must do
or leave undone, any thing he can, that he may please his wife: and
the wife must in any thing cross her own desires that she may satisfy
his. In diet, attire, choice of company, and all things else, each
must fulfill the other’s desire, as absolutely as can be done, without
transgressing the law of God. As difficult as this may seem at first,
practice will make it easy. Resolutely begin, and the proceeding will
be pleasanter than the beginning. Especially if both labour together,
each seeking to oblige the other. For it cannot be difficult to
satisfy one, who desires to take as well as to give satisfaction.
2. But some will say, “This suits not me, nothing will satisfy my
froward yoke-fellow.” I answer, It may be so: it is not in ones power,
to make a froward person take a thing well. But it is in your power,
to do your best, to satisfy such an one; and to strive the more, the
more averse to peace your companion is. “But it is hard, to be still
striving against the stream.” It is; but duties must not be omitted
because they are hard. The scholar, who has an hard lesson, must
take the more pains to learn it. So the husband or wife, that has a
perverse companion, must take the more pains to please them. Let the
difficulty therefore make thee more diligent: and encourage thyself
in this tedious labour, by thinking, “If after all I cannot please my
yoke-fellow, I shall not fail to please God. Yea, and the harder the
work is, the better he will take it at my hands. Therefore I will so
behave, that they may receive content in all things, if any thing but
sin will content them.” This caution indeed we must observe; for we
may not, to please anyone, sin against God. If any thing but sin will
satisfy, thou must do it, be it ever so contrary to thy own will. But
if thou canst not fulfill the desires of a creature, without breaking
the law of God, then thou must not fulfill them: better offend a
mortal man, than the immortal God.
3. In the next place, husband and wife are to be faithful and helpful
to each other. These two must always be united: therefore we speak
of them together. This was the principal thing which God designed in
the creation of the woman. _It is not good_, saith he, _for man to be
alone: I will make him an help meet for him_. And undoubtedly man was
intended to give, as well as to receive help. This helpful fidelity
consists in their mutual care to abstain from and prevent whatever
might grieve or hurt either: and to do themselves, and incite others
to do, whatever might comfort or benefit either. And this must extend
to the soul, the body, the name, and the estate.
4. First, to the souls, by provoking each other on all occasions, to
inward and outward holiness. The husband must further the wife in all
goodness, and the wife the husband: for she has also liberty to stir
up her husband, by intreaty and fair means. And as they have special
opportunity, so they should be always ready, with special diligence,
to _provoke one another to love and to good works_. O how sweet is
the society when they thus watch all occasions to further each other
in godliness! Again; being continually together, they may discover
in each other divers corruptions and imperfections. They must not
turn these into matter of contempt, but of compassion and care for
each others reformation. They should observe each others temper, ’till
they perceive what infirmities each is chiefly inclined to, and then
diligently abstain from what may provoke that evil, and apply all
means that may heal it. If all their labour does not avail, they must
not fear to seek the help of some common friend, who possibly may
effect that cure, which themselves had endeavoured in vain. And if
even this does not succeed, still they must wait and pray, referring
the matter to God, the only physician of the soul, who is able in due
time to redress all.
5. The same faithful helpfulness they owe, to the bodies of each
other. They must shun all things that might cause sickness or pain to
each other, and readily undergo any pains or cost, according to their
power, to procure whatever is necessary either to keep or recover
their health. They must comfort each other, in the days of sorrow,
that worldly sorrow work not death. The wife must be health to her
husband in his sickness: she must support his weakness, and he her’s.
Sickness and weakness are things which of themselves are hard enough
to be borne. There needs not the addition of unkindness to make the
burden heavier. Let every husband and wife avoid or mend this fault,
and be particularly careful of their behaviour, at that time above all,
when either is visited with grief, or weakness, or sickness. When your
wife is sick or pain’d, then comfort her with loving words, and chear
her by a tender countenance. Then see that she want no looking too, no
help which thou canst procure. When thy husband is sick or weak, then
stay him with comfortable speech, revive him with diligent attendance.
Do all thou canst, to ease his pain, and to recover his strength. Let
thy love and care be his best physic, and thyself his best physician.
This is to be faithful to thy husband’s body, and to “cherish him in
sickness as in health.”