318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long
time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a
meeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let me alone,
I should have preached that day, but they took me away from amongst
them), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security for
my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties
would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people.
319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer
of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not conforming to the
national worship of the church of _England_; and after some conference
there with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a
confession, as they termed it, _of the indictment_, _did sentence me to a
perpetual banishment_, _because I refused to conform_. So being again
delivered up to the jailer’s hands, I was had home to prison, and there
have lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer
these men to do with me.
320. In which condition I have continued with much content, through
grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both
from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which (glory be to
Jesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much conviction,
instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here
discourse; only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly
to bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should
the case be their own—_not to fear what man can do unto them_.
321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of God
as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this
place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was never more real
and apparent than now; here I have seen and felt Him indeed: Oh! that
word, _We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables_, 2 Pet. i.
16, and that, _God raised Christ from the dead_, _and gave Him glory_,
_that our faith and hope might be in God_ 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed
words unto me in this my imprisoned condition.
322. These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments in
this condition to me: John xiv. 1–4; John xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb.
xii. 22–24. So that sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I
have been able to laugh at destruction, _and to fear neither the horse
nor his rider_. I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in
this place, and of my being with Jesus in another world: _Oh_! _the mount
Sion_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _the innumerable company of angels_,
_and God the Judge of all_, _and the spirits of just men made perfect_,
_and Jesus_, have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that
here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to
express: I have seen a truth in this scripture, _Whom having not seen_,
_ye love_; _in whom_, _though now you see Him not_, _yet believing_, _ye
rejoice with joy unspeakable_, _and full of glory_. 1 Pet. i. 8.
323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and
at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found Him since I
came in hither: for look how fears have presented themselves, so have
supports and encouragements; yea, when I have started, even as it were,
at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath
not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another,
strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, _were it
lawful_, _I could pray for greater trouble_, _for the greater comfort’s
sake_. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.
324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had especially
two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able to
encounter death, should that be here my portion. For the first of these,
that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great information to me, namely, to pray
to God _to be strengthened with all might_, _according to His glorious
power_, _unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness_. I could
seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a
year together, this sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust
itself into my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through
long-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it
joyfully.
325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9) was of
great use to me, _But we had the sentence of death in ourselves_, _that
we should not trust in ourselves_, _but in God_, _which raiseth the
dead_. By this scripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer
rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can
properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife,
my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself
as dead to them.
326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in
another place; the way not to faint is, _To look not on the things that
are seen_, _but at the things that are not seen_; _for the things that
are seen are temporal_, _but the things that are not seen are eternal_.
And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only for a prison, then the
whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only
provide for these, then I am not fit for banishment. Further, if I
conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am
surprised: so that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to
trust in God through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as
touching this world, _to count the grave my house_, _to make my bed in
darkness_; _to say to corruption_, _Thou art my father_, _and to the
worm_, _Thou art my mother and sister_: that is, to familiarize these
things to me.
327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and compassed
with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children, hath often
been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the bones, and
that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but
also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships,
miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I
be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my
heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my
poor blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.
[Picture: Bunyan Parting with his Wife and Children]
328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy
portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger,
cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure
the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling myself, thought I, I
must venture you all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you:
Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house
upon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I
must do it: and now I thought on those _two milch kine that were to carry
the ark of God into another country_, _and to leave their calves behind
them_. 1 Sam. vi. 10–12.
329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers
considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the first
was the consideration of these two scriptures, _Leave thy fatherless
children_, _I will preserve them alive_, _and let thy widows trust in
me_: and again, _The Lord said_, _Verily it shall be well with thy
remnant_, _verily_, _I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the
time of evil_, _and in time of affliction_. Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.
330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture all for
God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if I forsook Him
and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine,
then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that
my concernments were not so sure, if left at God’s feet, whilst I stood
to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care,
though with the denial of the way of God. This was a smarting
consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly
helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas,
that God would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to
sell his Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6–8, etc.
331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the
torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of
the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws
before the sons of men: I thought also of the glory that He had prepared
for those that in faith, and love, and patience, stood to His ways before
them. These things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the
misery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be
exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.
332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my
profession, then I have thought of that scripture: _They were stoned_,
_they were sawn asunder_, _were tempted_, _were slain with the sword_,
_they wandered about in sheep-skins_, _and goat-skins_, _being
destitute_, _afflicted_, _tormented_, _of whom the world was not worthy_;
for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them.
I have also thought of that saying, _the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every
city_, _that bonds and afflictions abide me_. I have verily thought that
_my_ soul and _it_ have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate
of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to
cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and
at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep.
But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most _delicate_
reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333. I will tell you a pretty business:—I was once above all the rest,
in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I
being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this
lying much upon my spirits, _that my imprisonment might end at the
gallows for ought that I could tell_. Now therefore Satan laid hard at
me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: _But how if_,
_when you come indeed to die_, _you should be in this condition_; _that
is_, _as not to savour the things of God_, _nor to have any evidence upon
your soul for a better state hereafter_? (for indeed at that time all the
things of God were hid from my soul).
334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great
trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was
in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should
be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a
scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with
quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to
reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. This,
therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to
die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.
335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me
strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort
appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really
possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a
ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to
me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a
multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if
it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I
shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.
336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still
the tempter followed me with, _But whither must you go when you die_?
_what will become of you_? _where will you be found in another world_?
_what evidence have you for heaven and glory_, _and an inheritance among
them that are sanctified_? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew
not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me,
_that it was for the word and way of God that I was in this condition_,
_Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair’s breadth from it_.
337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me
comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose
whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free;
yea, ’twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon
me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being
thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ,
whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, _I
will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity_, _sink or swim_,
_come heaven_, _come hell_, _Lord Jesus_, _if Thou wilt catch me_, _do_;
_if not_, _I will venture for Thy name_.
338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon
me, _Doth Job serve God for nought_? As if the accuser had said, _Lord_,
_Job is no upright man_, _he serves Thee for bye-respects_: _hast Thou
not made an hedge about him_, _etc._ _But put forth now Thine hand_,
_and touch all that he hath_, _and_, _he will curse Thee to Thy face_.
How now! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to
serve God, when all is taken from him? Is he a godly man that will serve
God for nothing, rather than give out! Blessed be God! then I hope I
have an upright heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never
to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as
I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12,
etc.
339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: I
would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every
time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the
teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealings towards me I might
relate, _But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to
maintain the house of God_. 1 Chron. xxvi. 27.