1. OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question
the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to
be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me,
and removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thought of
that word, _Have your loins girt about with truth_; and of that, _When
the foundations are destroyed_, _what can the righteous do_?
2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore
chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from
Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I have been
comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble.
And then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to
give such way to comfort; with such strength and weight have both these
been upon me.
3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my
soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found
again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in
my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once
conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been
refreshed.
4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could well
tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole Bible hath
been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath been so dead and
dry unto it, that I could not conceive the refreshment, though I have
looked it all over.
5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; and
of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ:
Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms,
before God: I hope I know something of these things.
6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining to
unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ
manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and
coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for; 6. Apt to
murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have; 7. I
can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions
will thrust in themselves. When I would do good, evil is present with
me.
7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and
oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; 1.
They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart; 3.
They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness; 4.
They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray
unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And
provoke me to pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me
through this world.