that cometh to Me_, _I will in no wise cast out_. Oh! the comfort that I
had from this word, _in no wise_! As who should say, _By no means_, _for
nothing whatever he hath done_. But Satan would greatly labour to pull
this promise from me, telling of me, _That Christ did not mean me and
such as I_, _but sinners of a lower rank_, _that had not done as I had
done_. But I would answer him again, _Satan_, _here is in these words no
such exception_; _but him that comes_, _him_, _any him_: _him that cometh
to Me I will in no wise cast out_. And this I well remember still, that
of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he
never did so much as put this question, _But do you come aright_? And I
have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what
coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a
vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy,
condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word
of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one
end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in
_John_, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled;
but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from
it.
216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace,
yet that of _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright, would still at times
distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and
that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me
fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with
me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature
of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the
largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word
therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly
taken, they would amount to this; _That I had freely left the Lord Jesus
Christ to His choice_, _whether He would be my Saviour or no_; for the
wicked words were these, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Then that scripture
gave me hope, _I will never leave thee_, _nor forsake thee_. Heb. xiii.
5. ‘O Lord,’ said I, _but I have left Thee_. Then it answered again,
_But I will not leave thee_. For this I thanked God also.
217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to
trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad
that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with
more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it
was with me, as it was with _Joseph’s_ brethren; the guilt of their own
wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at
last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.
218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in
_Joshua_ xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer
that was to flee for refuge: _And if the avenger of blood pursue the
slayer_, then saith _Moses_, _they that are the elders of the city of
refuge shall not deliver him into his hands_, _because he smote his
neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime_. Oh! blessed be God
for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the
avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it
remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge:
so I found, that he must not, _who lay in wait to shed blood_: It was not
the wilful _murderer_, but he who _unwittingly_ did it, he who did it
unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it
unwittingly: even he who did not _hate his neighbour before_. Wherefore,
219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had
smitten my neighbour _unwittingly_, _and hated Him not aforetime_. I
hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning
against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a
twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it
did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this
city, and the elders, which are the _apostles_, were not to deliver me
up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of
hope.
220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not
what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul
did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, _Whether it be
possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin_, _yet after
that to receive_, _though but the least_, _true spiritual comfort from
God though Christ_? The which after I had much considered, I found the
answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—
221. _First_, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred
a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must
needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort;
_For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin_. Heb. x. 26, 27.
_Secondly_, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: _It
shall never be forgiven him neither in this world_, _neither in the world
to come_. Matt. xii. 32. _Thirdly_, The Son of God excludes them also
from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own
them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven.
Mark viii.
222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and
could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after
this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto
those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I
had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst
scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear
wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but
now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close
to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and
tendency.
223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for
they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came
to the sixth of the _Hebrews_, yet trembling for fear it should strike
me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended,
was a falling _quite away_; that is as I conceived, a falling from and
absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ;
for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4.
_Secondly_, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the
view of the world, even so as _to put Christ to an open shame_.
_Thirdly_, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God,
both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: _It is impossible they
should be renewed again unto repentance_. By all these particulars, I
found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place
intended.
_First_, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the
profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.
_Secondly_, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to _shame_ by my sin,
but not to open _shame_; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him
as a fruitless One before the world.
_Thirdly_, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come
(though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and
repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!
224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the _Hebrews_, and
found that the _wilful sin_ there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but
that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too.
_Secondly_, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses,
to answer that of the law, _verse_ 28. _Thirdly_, This sin cannot be
committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising
both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary.
But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not
amount to these.
225. And as touching that in the 12th of the _Hebrews_, about _Esau’s_
selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and
stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, _First_, that his
was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a
thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some
deliberation, Gen. xxv. _Secondly_, It was a public and open action,
even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a
far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. _Thirdly_, He
continued to slight his birthright: _He did eat and drink_, _and went his
way_: thus Esau _despised his birthright_, yea, twenty years after he was
found to despise it still. And Esau said, _I have enough_, _my brother_,
_keep that thou hast unto thyself_. Gen. xxxiii. 9.
226. Now as touching this, _that_ Esau _sought a place of repentance_;
thus I thought: _First_, This was not for the _birthright_, but _the
blessing_: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau
himself; _He took away my birthright_ (that is, formerly); _and behold
now he hath taken away my blessing_. Gen. xxvii. 36. _Secondly_, Now,
this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what
might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning
_Esau’s_ sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God,
_that the birthright_ signified _regeneration_, and the _blessing_, the
_eternal inheritance_; for so the apostle seems to hint. _Lest there be
any profane person_, _as_ Esau, _who for one morsel of meat sold his
birthright_; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed
beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth;
lest they become as _Esau_, even be rejected _afterwards_, when they
would inherit the blessing.
227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise
those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when the
deciding day appears, will cry as lord as _Esau_, _Lord_, _Lord_, _open
to us_; but then, as _Isaac_ would not repent, no more will God the
Father, but will say, _I have blessed these_, _yea_, and _they shall be
blessed_; but as for you, _Depart_, _you are the workers of iniquity_.
Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25–27.
228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to
understand them, was not against, but according to other scriptures; this
still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a
great blow to that objection, to wit, _That the scriptures could not
agree in the salvation of my soul_. And now remained only the hinder
part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops
did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my
former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it oft
befall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire.
I thought every voice was, _Fire_! _fire_! Every little touch would hurt
my tender conscience.
229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some
dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly
this sentence fell upon my soul, _Thy righteousness is in heaven_; and
methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God’s
right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was,
or whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, _He wants My
righteousness_; for that was just before Him. I also saw moreover, that
it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor
yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my righteousness
was Jesus Christ Himself, _The same yesterday_, _to-day_, _and for ever_.
Heb. xiii. 8.
230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from my
afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that from that
time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me: now went I
also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; so when I came home,
I looked to see if I could find that sentence; _Thy righteousness is in
heaven_, but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began to
sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30,
_Christ Jesus_, _who of God is made unto us wisdom_, _and righteousness_,
_and sanctification_, _and redemption_; by this word I saw the other
sentence true.
231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He is
distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our
righteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore I lived, for
some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh! methought,
Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I
was not now (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ
apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a
whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His other virtues,
relations, offices and operations met together, and that He sat on the
right hand of God in heaven.
232. ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and
prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look from
myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God that now
were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats and
fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when their
gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at
home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; all my wisdom,
all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.
233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with
the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh,
and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me in Eph. v. 30.
By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed
in me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His
merits mine, His victory also mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and
earth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness
and life, though on earth by my body or person.
234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should also be
looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole
body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we
fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the
victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we
died, and so of His resurrection. _Thy dead men shall live_, _together
with My dead body shall they arise_, saith He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And
again, _after two days He will revive us_, _and the third day He will
raise us up_, _and we shall live in His sight_. Hosea vi. 2. Which is
now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of
the Majesty in the heavens; according to that to the _Ephesians_, _And
hath raised us up together_, _and made us sit together in heavenly places
in Christ Jesus_. Eph. ii. 6.
235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others
of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that
I have cause to say, _Praise ye the Lord_. _Praise God in His
sanctuary_, _praise Him in the firmament of His power_; _praise Him for
His mighty acts_: _praise Him according to His excellent greatness_.
Psalm cl. 1, 2.
236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and
affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my
wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my
deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met
with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart,
to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I proceed
any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the
cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the
last, it became unto my soul.
237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two
also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The
first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation
that went before, still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations
that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in
prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the
most principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh
discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough
to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from
the evil that was to come.
238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy _David_,
who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him
back from sin and temptation to come; _Then_, saith he, _shall I be
upright_, _and I shall be innocent from the great transgression_. Psalm
xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this
long temptation.
239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly,
in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: _Let us therefore come boldly
unto the throne of grace_, _that we may obtain mercy_, _and find grace to
help in time of need_. This I had not done, and therefore was thus
suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, _Pray that ye
enter not into temptation_. And truly this very thing is to this day of
such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the
Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the
temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou
learn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing
I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.
240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and
on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and
before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were
fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately
in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time
it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God;
wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy
imaginable, even thinking in my heart, _Lord_, _if Thou wilt now remove
this sad affliction from my wife_, _and cause that she be troubled no
more therewith this night_ (and now were her pangs just upon her), _then
I shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the
heart_.
241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from
her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning;
at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had
been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also;
so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had
said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He
knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for
several weeks after.
242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful
thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart,
even this thought, _Let Christ go_, _if He will_: so when I was fallen
under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the
effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also
carried rebuke along with it, _Now you may see that God doth know the
most secret thoughts of the heart_.
243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord, and
His servant _Gideon_, fell upon my spirit; how because that _Gideon_
tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have
believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so
try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and
that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help. Judges
vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed
His word, and not have put an _if_ upon the all-seeingness of God.
244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have
gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually to
possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory
of God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my
soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions
about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of
the world to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with
atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ
continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way
of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, did at
this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did
break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and
rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking
of my bones.
245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the
truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; _those_
that the scriptures favour, _they_ must inherit bliss; but _those_ that
they oppose and condemn, _must_ perish for evermore: Oh! this word, _For
the scriptures cannot be broken_, would rend the caul of my heart: and so
would that other, _Whose sins ye remit_, _they are remitted_; _but whose
sins ye retain_, _they are retained_. Now I saw the apostles to be the
elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to
receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to
be slain by the avenger of blood.
246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my
mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I
thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand
men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the
scriptures bend themselves!
247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the
promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the
mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering of His
justice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great
fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with
trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force
and latitude.
248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former
foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into
my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from
the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I
would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the
promise, unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas no time thus to do; the
avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.
249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at _that_ word which yet I feared
I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that
promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I
should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down, without
restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now
see in that blessed sixth of John: _And him that cometh to me_, _I will
in no wise cast out_. John vi. 37. Now I began to consider with myself,
that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to
conceive with; I thought also with myself, that He spake not His words in
haste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment,
and in very truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.
250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce
towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet
stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits
through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of
it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had
with Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other
times, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome would it have
been unto me!). But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that
it might not sink for ever! ’twas that I hunted for.
251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as
if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run
upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him,
as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of _Esther_, who went to
petition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought also of
Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their
enemies for mercy. 1 Kings xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that
would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc.,
and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5–8, etc.,
were great encouragements unto me.
252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy,
as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and
where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in
Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When
_Job_ had passed through his captivity, _he had twice as much as he had
before_. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many
other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and
therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may
make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke
as I did.
I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this
temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could
hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought
it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long
upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.
253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the
Lord’s dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I
then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when first I
did join in fellowship with the people of God in _Bedford_. After I had
propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and
ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I
thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper
with His disciples before His death, that scripture, _Do this in
remembrance of Me_, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me;
for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of
His death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the
virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that
ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times
therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing
to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be
guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced
to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such
blasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them,
as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have
thought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me
at first, approach to partake thereof.
254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have
rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that
same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after that, I
have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that
blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body,
as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my
transgressions.
255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith
about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness
in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I
afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and
condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to
come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as
always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my
interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.
256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of
the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an
innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these
were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness,
and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness
in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with
this at the end of all, _Are these the fruits of Christianity_? _Are
these tokens of a blessed man_?
257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon
me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt;
now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me, quite taken
out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my
soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, _Live I must not_,
_die I dare not_. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up
all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a
most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, _Ye are
justified freely by His grace_, _through the redemption that is in Christ
Jesus_. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream;
and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus
expounded to me: _Sinner_, _thou thinkest_, _that because thy sins and
infirmities_, _I cannot save thy soul_; _but behold My Son is by me_,
_and upon Him I look_, _and not on thee_, _and shall deal with thee
according as I am pleased with Him_. At this I was greatly lightened in
my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any
time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to
us, and the work was forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great
power upon my spirit, _Not by works of righteousness that we have done_,
_but according to His mercy He hath saved us_, _etc._ 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit.
iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and
mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now
I cried, _Let me die_: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight,
for I saw _We shall never live indeed_, _till we be gone to the other
world_. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with
that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, _Heirs of God_,
Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this
world: _Heirs of God_! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I
saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time
also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for
assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then
is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of
God’s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the
judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of
miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death
came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit;
methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just
as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel’s carrying
_Lazarus_ into _Abraham’s_ bosom darted in upon me, as who should say,
_So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world_. This did
sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had
with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my
mind, _O death_, _where is thy sting_? _O grave_, _where is thy
victory_? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at
once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in
my work for God again.
261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury
in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness,
which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if
I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my
soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my
soul to move or stir after _grace_ and _life_ by _Christ_; I was as if my
loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with
chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward
man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and
uncomfortable to me.
262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I
was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart,
_I must go to Jesus_. At this my former darkness and atheism fled away,
and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on
this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever
such a scripture, _I must go to Jesus_? She said, she could not tell;
therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I
had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me,
_And to an innumerable company of angels_; and withal, Hebrews twelfth,
about the mount _Sion_, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22–24.
263. Then with joy I told my wife, _O_! _now I know_, _I know_! But
that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed
for the company of some of God’s people, that I might have imparted unto
them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul
that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph,
through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning,
yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a
blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.
264. The words are these: _Ye are come to mount Sion_, _and unto the
city of the living God_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _and to an innumerable
company of angels_, _to the general assembly and church of the
first-born_, _which are written in heaven_; _and to God the Judge of
all_, _and to the spirits of just men made perfect_, _and to Jesus the
Mediator of the New Covenant_, _and to the blood of sprinkling_, _that
speaketh better things than that of Abel_. Through this blessed sentence
the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and
showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have
oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God
for having mercy on me.
_A brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work of the Ministry_
265. AND now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in
a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God’s dealing with
me in that particular also. For after I had been about five or six years
awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus
Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him; some of
the most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment
and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had
counted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and
blessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what
I saw to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that
with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in
hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.
266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my
spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to
their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private),
though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them;
at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the
sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave
thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.
267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to
teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet,
I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more
privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I
did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which they,
as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward,
professing their souls were edified thereby.
268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the church,
after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more
particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public
preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but
also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith
thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret
pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of
vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery
darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.
269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of
my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the
continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of _Paul_ to the
_Corinthians_: _I beseech you_, _brethren_ (_ye know the household of
Stephanas_, _that it is the first fruits of Achaia_, _and that they have
addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_) _that ye submit
yourselves unto such_, _and to every one that helpeth with us_, _and
laboureth_. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.
270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended
that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in the earth, but
rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and
also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do. _They have
addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_. This scripture, in
these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and
strengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged from
several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the
word, and other ancient histories: _Acts_ viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25,
etc.; 1 _Pet._ iv. 10; _Rom._ xii. 6; _Fox’s Acts_ and _Mon._
271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy;
yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness,
did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion
of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the
holy word of truth: which when the country understood, they came in to
hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry
and divers accounts.
272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity
for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with great
diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would
bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in which also the good
Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached
long, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their
minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their
need of Jesus Christ.
273. But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to the
heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus were
touched, would love me and have a particular respect for me; and though I
did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would
confess it, and affirm it before the saints of God: they would also bless
God for me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me God’s instrument
that showed to them the way of salvation.
274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so
constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the
knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where they
were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in His
work such a foolish one as I; and then came that word of God to my heart,
with much sweet refreshment, _The blessing of him that was ready to
perish_, _is come upon me_; _and I caused the widow’s heart to sing for
joy_. Job xxix. 13.
275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom God did
awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement to me: for
I thought on those sayings, _Who is He then that maketh me glad_, _but
the same which is made sorry by Me_? 2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, _If I be
not an Apostle to others_, _yet doubtless_, _I am unto you_: _for the
seal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord_. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These
things, therefore, were as another argument unto me, that God had called
me to, and stood by me in this work.
276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this one
thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins
with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege, that
the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as
they come into the world, because of sin. Now this part of my work I
fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my
transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I preached what I felt, what
I smartingly did feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and
tremble to astonishment.
277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went
myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in
my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I can truly
say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I
have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it
hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have
done my work; and then immediately, even before I could get down the
pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me on,
but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me
off my work.
278. Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against men’s
sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which, the Lord
came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and comfort through
Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace
through Him; wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I
preached what I saw and felt); now therefore I did much labour to hold
forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the
world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those
false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them
fall and perish. On these things also I staid as long as on the other.
279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union
of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also. And,
when I had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God,
about the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present
practice, and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again to
confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of
it according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.
280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath often all
the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to
God that He would make the word effectual to the salvation of the soul;
still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the
conscience, and so it should become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour
to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and
person guilty might be particularized by it.
281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to
think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing
from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but
see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also
what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in
such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him. And indeed, I
did often say in my heart before the Lord, _That if to be hanged up
presently before their eyes_, _would be a means to awaken them_, _and
confirm them in the truth_, _I gladly should be contented_.
282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been
engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel
of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath been with
such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been
labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the
conscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, _I
believe_, _and am sure_; methought I was more than sure (if it be lawful
to express myself) that those things which then I asserted, were true.
283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and
priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was persuaded of
this, not to render railing for railing; but to see how many of their
carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law,
and of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought I, _This shall answer
for me in time to come_, _when they shall be for my hire before their
face_. Gen. xxx. 33.
284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in
dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it
pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith,
and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I
say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they
engendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving
undone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my work before me
did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that
therefore did I stick and adhere.
285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men’s lines,
Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily thought, and
found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and Spirit of
Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and
best established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I
know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of
scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.
286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after that
fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss hath
been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my own body,
had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it without any
offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was
the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as
if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children
were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this
excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by
this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the
lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! _He
which converteth the sinner from the error of his way_, _shall save a
soul from death_. James v. 20. _The fruit of the righteous is a tree of
life_; _and he that winneth souls is wise_. Prov. xi. 30. _They that be
wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament_, _and they that turn
many to righteousness_, _as the stars for ever and ever_. Dan. xii. 3.
_For what is our hope_, _or joy_, _or crown of rejoicing_? _Are not even
ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming_? _For ye are
our glory and joy_. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others
of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.
287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have
had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to desire I might
preach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls in
particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to
wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this,
been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that a word
cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that
was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good,
then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should
catch them, I have fished for nothing.
288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon
sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the
mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged
most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could instance
particulars, but I forbear.
289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the
darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were
farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light
(for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit
did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I
carried did lean itself most that way also; _Yea_, _so have I strived to
preach the gospel_, _not where Christ was named_, _lest I should build
upon another man’s foundation_. Rom. xv. 20.
290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were,
travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied
unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless, it
mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who
did condemn. I have thought of that: _Lo_! _children are an heritage of
the Lord_; _and the fruit of the womb is His reward_.—_As arrows are in
the hand of a mighty man_, _so are children of the youth_. _Happy is the
man that hath his quiver full of them_: _they shall not be ashamed_, _but
they shall speak with the enemies in the gate_. Psalm cxxvii. 3–5.
291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they
seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation,
sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on
fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly
sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I
counted blessed.
292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending
me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be assaulted with
great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak
a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak
sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange
faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have
scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently
assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the
words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at some times,
even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence,
and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity,
so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and
have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the
people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have
been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my
exercise.
294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some
smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter
suggest, _What_! _will you preach this_! _This condemns yourself_; _of
this your own soul is guilty_; _wherefore preach not of it at all_; _or
if you do_, _yet so mince it_, _as to make way for your own escape_;
_lest instead of awakening others_, _you lay that guilt upon your own
soul_, _that you will never get from under_.
295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so
horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my
might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though
therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: _Let me die_
(thought I), _with the Philistines_, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal
corruptly with the blessed word of God. _Thou that teachest another_,
_teachest thou not thyself_? It is far better that thou do judge
thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save
thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be God for His
help also in this.
296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often
tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, I
have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His precious
mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had
but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my every
day’s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to
see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath
caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I
have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of
God to me.
297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place or other of
the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp
and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul,
notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been of
great use to me: _Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels_,
_and have not charity_, _I am become as sounding brass_, _and a tinkling
cymbal_. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.
298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful
player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who
hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal
hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of
him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to
nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon
it.
299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but
want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the
hand of _David_: and as _David_ could with the cymbal make that mirth in
the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so
Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His
people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as
lifeless, though sounding cymbals.
300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for
the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory.
What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass? Is it
so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more
of God in it than these? Besides, I knew ’twas love should never die,
but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a little grace, a little
love, a little of the true fear of God, is better than all the gifts:
yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that
can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I
say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so
to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the
virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.
301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves
were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the
edification of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of
him that hath them, if they be _alone_: neither are they, as so, any sign
of a man’s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some,
of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love
more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and
the dead.
302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in
themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them,
to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were
easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised
Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the
condemnation of the devil.
303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a
sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of
him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall
short of the grace of God.
304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in his own
eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the
churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he
must also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus,
and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.
305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord
(gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts are
better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the Lord gives
gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such
an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace; for that is a certain
forerunner of glory.
306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of
me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow the ministry, and
make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another way,
which was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me
with slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the
devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down
the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they
should make my ministry to be abandoned.
307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people,
that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.
[Picture: Bunyan is looked on with Suspicion]
308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent. But
as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the
tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things (with
all the rest of their iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance
for them, for the which I pray with all my heart.
309. But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that
I had my _misses_, my _whores_, my _bastards_; yea, _two wives_ at once,
and the like. Now these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because
but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the
devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the
world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God. _Blessed
are ye_ (said the Lord Jesus) _when men shall revile you and persecute
you_, _and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake_;
_rejoice and be exceeding glad_, _for great is your reward in heaven_,
_for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you_. Matt. iv.
11.
310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no,
though they were twenty times more than they are. I have a good
conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, they
shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.
311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered me?
Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall I flatter them? Shall
I entreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I. Were it not for that
these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and
abettors, I would say unto them, _Report it_, because ’twill increase my
glory.
312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament; it
belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached
and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my
conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s sake.
313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any
thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me;
namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like. When they
have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry
that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in
heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any
place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and
speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I
will in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all
is a-case to me.
314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am not the
man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the fornicators
and adulterers in _England_ were hanged up by the neck till they be dead,
_John Bunyan_, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well.
I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the
copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by
common fame, except my wife.
315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of
women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women know, and
can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately
concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a
woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; ’tis odious to me in
whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom
so much as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things are not so
becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those women that they have
visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection
against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of
civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have
urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they
did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, how
laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have
been unseemly in my sight.
316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but
angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save
my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing that it cannot
offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul,
that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have been thus kept,
because of any goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been
merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me
still, not only from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me
to His heavenly kingdom. _Amen_.
317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile
among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of
none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment,
that thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the
world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in
the next place give you a brief account.