‘1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.
‘2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith,
etc.
‘3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred years
ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.
‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the saints.
‘5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the
church-yard, shall not arise again.
‘6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.
‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on
mount _Calvary_, in the land of _Canaan_, by _Jerusalem_, was not
ascended above the starry heavens.
‘8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of
the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all nations,’
etc.
125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by
them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures,
and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but
greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt
of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood
of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too
sweetly, according to the scripture. _O friends_! _cry to God to reveal
Jesus Christ unto you_; _there is none teacheth like Him_.
126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how
God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He
might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did open them
unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me,
talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and
the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.
127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in
general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me
to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal them
unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even
crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the
death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I
should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where
but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide
the peace and love of God, through Christ.
128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from heaven,
with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. Now could I
remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with
comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come,
that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion
of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and
body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas before I
lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got
so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern
it! And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might
die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.
129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did
greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience, who had writ
some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our
days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ
only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their
wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived
others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep.
Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are
all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of _Martin
Luther’s_; it was his Comment on the _Galatians_; it also was so old,
that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over.
Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the
which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his
experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been
written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, _This
man could not know any thing of the state of Christians now_, _but must
needs write and speak the experience of former days_.
130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise
of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like;
showing that the law of _Moses_, as well as the devil, death, and hell,
hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to
me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of
particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall
before all men—I do prefer this book of _Martin Luther_ upon the
_Galatians_ (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I
had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh!
methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I
felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as _Job_ said, _I thought I
should die in my nest_; but I did quickly find, that my great love was
but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus
Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle,—God can tell how to
abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was
tried to purpose.
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered
me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in
the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation
and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love
through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more
grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that was, _To sell and part with this most blessed Christ_, _to
exchange Him for the things of this life_, _for any thing_. The
temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so
continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not
sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were
once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen
myself) could never lose Him for ever; _The land shall not be sold for
ever_, _for the land is mine_, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a
continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such
thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He
had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous
ones.
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire
and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the
continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost
whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could
neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to
look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, _Sell Christ
for this_, _or sell Christ for that_; _sell Him_, _sell Him_.
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred
times together, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_: against which, I may
say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually
leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were
aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent
thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented
to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days
together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some
times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the
very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this
wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of
pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as
the destroyer said, _Sell Him_; _I will not_, _I will not_, _I will not_,
_I will not_; _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands of
worlds_: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults,
set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or
how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but,
forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to
pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would
this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, _Now I am
at meat_; _let me make an end_. No, said he, _you must do it now_, _or
you will displease God_, _and despise Christ_. Wherefore I was much
afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature
(imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as
if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a
temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at
other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, _To sell and
part with Christ_; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, _Sell
Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, as fast as a man
could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I
answered, _No_, _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands_, at
least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until
I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart,
_Let Him go_, _if He will_; and I thought also, that I felt my heart
freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the
desperateness of man’s heart!
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from
the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting
out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy
a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two
hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery,
and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: _Or profane
persons as Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_:
_for ye know_, _how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the
blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_,
_though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to
come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but
damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would
abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the
sequel you will see.
143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in
the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But
about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge
(full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard
hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence
rushed in upon me, _The blood of Christ remits all guilt_. At this I
made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, _The
blood of Jesus Christ His Son_, _cleanseth us from all sin_. 1 John i.
7.
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as
if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what
he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of
Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood
of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me,
is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good
encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,
methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but
because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding
guilt again.
145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning _Esau’s_
selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all
the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so
that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn
to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be
sounding in me; _For ye know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have
inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he
sought it carefully with tears_.
146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii.
31, _I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not_; but it would not
abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find
ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that
grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an
heavy case for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature
and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could
in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by
which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark
iii. 28: _All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men_, _and
blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme_. Which place,
methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the
pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought
it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who
had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are
mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but
that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I
had done.
148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that
sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. _But he that shall
blaspheme against the Holy Ghost_, _hath never forgiveness_, _but is in
danger of eternal damnation_. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give
credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: _For you know
how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he
was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought
it carefully with tears_. And this stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever
so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to
die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything
but a man, and in any condition but my own! For there was nothing did
pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to
be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.
150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a
thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be
tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my
heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces,
than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and
wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had
passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I,
_that it were with me as in months past_, _as in the days when God
preserved me_! Job xxix. 2.
151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare
my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were
saved, had done as I had done. So I considered _David’s_ adultery, and
murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after
light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions
were only such as were against the law of _Moses_, from which the Lord
Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was
against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my
Saviour.
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I
considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so
void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but
this? Must it needs be the _great transgression_? Ps. xix. 13. Must
_that wicked one_ touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I
find in all these sentences?
153. What, thought I, is there but _one_ sin that is unpardonable? but
_one_ sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s mercy; and must
I be guilty of _that_? must it needs be that? Is there but one _sin_
among _so many_ millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and
must I commit this? Oh! unhappy _sin_! Oh! unhappy _man_! These things
would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do;
I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to
aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, _You know_, _how_, _that
afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was
rejected_. _Oh_! _no one knows the terrors of those days but myself_.
154. After this I began to consider of _Peter’s_ sin, which he committed
in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that
I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy
received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered,
that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider
betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if
possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but _a
denial of his Master_, but mine was, _a selling of my Saviour_.
Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to _Judas_, than
either to _David_ or _Peter_.
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would
grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God
towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering
of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently
see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not
let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.
156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that
God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom
God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special
providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He
loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy:
but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor
keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had
done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God’s keeping His
people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to
show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had
blessed.
157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and
dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all the
temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them to
wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and
also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy,
but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of
the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and
mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of
all God’s ways to His people! He would let _David_, _Hezekiah_,
_Solomon_, _Peter_, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into
sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men
that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth
them, keeps them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under
the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief,
and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If
I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought of
how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought
together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called,
according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my
damage, and for my eternal overthrow.
158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of _Judas_, that,
if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is
unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but
the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by
considering, I found that _Judas_ did this intentionally, but mine was
against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much
deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I
was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to
sorrow; hearing always the sound of _Esau’s_ fall in mine ears, and the
dreadful consequences thereof.
159. Yet this consideration about _Judas’s_ sin was, for awhile, some
little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances,
transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I
thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this
unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well
as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive,
this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.
160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as
Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at
the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man,
that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble
at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking
with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.
161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving
some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of
judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such
grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: _For if these things should
indeed be true_, _yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the
present_. _If you must perish_, _never torment yourself so much
beforehand_: _drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind_, _by
possessing your mind with some such conclusions that_ Atheists _and_
Ranters _use to help themselves withal_.
162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it
were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought
the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that
such things could have no entertainment. But methinks, I see by this,
that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not
an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is
the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.
163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was
swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God;
for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, ’_Tis too
late_, _I am lost_, _God hath let me fall_; _not to my correction_, _but
condemnation_: _my sin is unpardonable_; _and I know_, _concerning Esau_,
_how that after he had sold his birthright_, _he would have received the
blessing_, _but was rejected_. About this time I did light on that
dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to
my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every
sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his
actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth,
his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and
pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as
knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was
frightful to me, _Man knows the beginning of sin_? _but who bounds the
issues thereof_? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of
all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; _For you know
how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he
was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought
it carefully with tears_.
164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that
at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well
as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment
of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and
unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by
reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my
breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas,
who by _falling headlong_, _he burst asunder in the midst_, _and all his
bowels gushed out_. Acts i. 18.
165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on
_Cain_, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt
that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother _Abel_. Thus did
I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which
burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor
lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, _He hath
received gifts for the rebellious_. Psalm lxviii. 18. The _rebellious_,
thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to
their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His
government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my
very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a
rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; but yet
He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold
thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived
by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force
beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by _that_ place
where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the _saints_ in
particular, and found _mine_ went beyond them, then I began to think with
myself, Set the case I should put _all theirs_ together, and _mine alone_
against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if _mine_,
though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is
hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all
theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full
as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the
sin of _David_, of _Solomon_, of _Manasseh_, of _Peter_, and the rest of
the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness,
to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.
169. I should think with myself that _David_ shed blood to cover his
adultery, and that by the sword of the children of _Ammon_; a work that
could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was
a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah!
but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus
sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall
save you from that?
170. Then I thought on _Solomon_, and how he sinned in loving strange
women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing
this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the
same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off
as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for
which God had provided a remedy; _but I had sold my Saviour_, and there
remained no more sacrifice for sin.
171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of _Manasseh_; how
that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed
times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his
familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils,
and made the streets of _Jerusalem_ run down with the blood of innocents.
These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it
would turn again upon me, _They are none of them of the nature of yours_;
_you have parted with Jesus_, _you have sold your Saviour_.
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, _my sin was
point blank against my Saviour_; and that too, at that height, that I had
in my heart said of Him, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Oh! methought this
sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole
world, _no_ one pardonable; nor _all_ of them together, was able to equal
mine; mine out-went them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a
dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand:
(_It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God_.
Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying
fits, would call, as running after me, _I have blotted out_, _as a thick
cloud_, _thy transgressions_; _and as a cloud_, _thy sins_: _return unto
Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would
come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did
flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by
reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry,
_Return unto Me_; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, _Return
unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Indeed, this would make me make a
little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if
I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His
hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and
darkened again by that sentence, _For you know_, _how that afterwards_,
_when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of
repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Wherefore I
could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, _Return_,
_return_, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in
therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said,
was still sounding in my conscience, _For you know that afterwards_,
_when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_, _etc._
174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop, bemoaning of
myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with
self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this
hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing
that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin
of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show
it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if
there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very
pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, _Did’st thou ever refuse to
be justified by the blood of Christ_? and withal, my whole life of
profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see,
that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, _No_. Then
fell, with power, that word of God upon me, _See that ye refuse not Him
that speaketh_. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my
spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of
all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless
hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It
showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for
me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my
soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a
kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the
heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to
my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not;
or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years’ time
been able to make a judgment of it; _I thought then what here I should be
loth to speak_. But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel
had come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the
day of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul;
it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the
sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to
flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation;
I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause,
that at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it
to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my
salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing
I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be
altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now
relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the
savour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust,
and to despair again.
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which
way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself
at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! ’twas hard for
me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I
had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him
in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have
found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from
Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me!
especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy,
that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea,
even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw
that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself
unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me,
and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me,
_That I ought not to pray to God_, _for prayer was not for any in my
case_; _neither could it do me good_, _because I had rejected the
Mediator_, _by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father_;
_and without Whom_, _no prayer could come into His presence_: _wherefore
now to pray_, _is but to add sin to sin_; _yea_, _now to pray_, _seeing
God has cast you off_, _is the next way to anger and offend Him more than
you ever did before_.
177. _For God_ (saith he) _hath been weary of you for these several
years already_, _because you are none of His_; _your bawlings in His
ears_, _hath been no pleasant voice to Him_; _and therefore He let you
sin this sin_, _that you might be quite cut off_; _and will you pray
still_? This the devil urged, and set forth that in _Numbers_, when
_Moses_ said to the children _of Israel_, _That because they would not go
up to possess the land_, _when God would have them_, _therefore for ever
after He did bar them out from thence_, _though they prayed they might
with tears_. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.
178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, _The man that sins
presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar_, _that he may die_; even
as _Joab_ was by King _Solomon_, when he thought to find shelter there.
1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my
case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it
must be so, it shall once be said, _That such an one died at the foot of
Christ in prayer_. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know;
and that because, together with this, still that saying about _Esau_
would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of
the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how
hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I
feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my
soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God
hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet
concerning the children of Israel, _Pray not for this people_, _for I
have rejected them_. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, _Pray not for him_, _for I
have rejected him_, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of
them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of
it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself:
_Man knows the beginning of sin_ (said Spira), _but who bounds the issues
thereof_?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an
ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was
afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me,
_He thought so too_. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking
a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to
much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I
could, for mercy still.
[Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying,
_That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus_, _and provoked Him to
displeasure_, _Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of
devouring fire_, _there was now but one way_; _and that was_, to pray
that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; _that we
might be reconciled again_, _and that I might have that blessed benefit
in Him_, _that His blessed saints enjoyed_.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, _He is of one mind_,
_and who can turn Him_! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to
make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have
already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that
what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea,
to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend
my soul asunder; _Neither is there salvation in any other_; _for there is
none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved_.
Acts iv. 12.
183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were
the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts
of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him
off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind;
nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of
the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness,
meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and
consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my
considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for
themselves in my heart: _Aye_, _this is the Jesus_, _the loving Saviour_,
_the Son of God_, _Whom you have parted with_, _Whom you have slighted_,
_despised_, _and abused_. _This is the only Saviour_, _the only
Redeemer_, _the only One that could so love sinners_, _as to wash them
from their sins in His own most precious blood_; _but you have no part
nor lot in this Jesus_: _you have put Him from you_; _you have said in
your heart_, Let Him go, if He will. _Now_, _therefore_, _you are
severed from Him_; _you have severed yourself from Him_: _behold then His
goodness_, _but yourself to be no partaker of it_. Oh! thought I, what
have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor
soul! Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to
have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also
trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially
at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk
continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words,
their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin
against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add
continual affliction and shame upon my soul. _The dread of them was upon
me_, _and I trembled at God’s Samuels_. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.
184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way,
saying, _That Christ indeed did pity my case_, _and was sorry for my
loss_; _but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done_,
_He could by no means help me_, _nor save me from what I feared_: _for my
sin was not of the nature of theirs_, _for Whom He bled and died_;
_neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge_, _when
He hanged on a tree_: _therefore_, _unless He should come down from
heaven_, _and die anew for this sin_, _though indeed He did greatly pity
me_, _yet I could have no benefit of Him_. These things may seem
ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but
to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented
my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when
yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could
not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and
salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His
threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I
thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds
of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew
assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than
for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of
mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy
word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.
185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I
should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts
would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I
knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again!
Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how
would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the
rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead;
_Christ being raised from the dead_, _dieth no more_; _death hath no more
dominion over Him_. Rom. vi. 9.
186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul
was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes
headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and
sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof,
might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way,
and changed, _But in all these_, _I was as those that jostle against the
rocks_; _more broken_, _scattered and rent_. Oh! the un-thought-of
imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a
thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation! _This is the man
that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead_; _that is always
crying out_, _and cutting himself with stones_. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I
say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will
not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or
tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This I saw,
this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby,
namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation;
and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express
what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of
man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor
altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ,
even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven,
for the word would shut him out.
187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day
I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the
street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my
sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head,
but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge
to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon
the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they all
combined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them,
and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because
I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature
over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone
and lost.
188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself
with a grievous sigh, _How can God comfort such a wretch_! I had no
sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a
voice: _This sin is not unto death_. At which I was, as if I had been
raised out of the grave, and cried out again, _Lord_, _how couldst Thou
find out such a word as this_! For I was filled with admiration at the
fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the
word, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and
light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I
was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much
in doubt before; my fears before _were_, that my sin was not pardonable,
and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did,
it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if
_this sin_ is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this
I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the
promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me
as well as others. This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to
wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1
John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by their own
experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this
consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter
from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with
other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of
they.
189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but
that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh! how
Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could by
no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this
good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening
of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its
supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a
great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of
despair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.
190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek
the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these
words, with strong cries: _O Lord_, _I beseech Thee_, _show me that Thou
hast loved me with everlasting love_. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner
said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or
sounding again, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_. Now I went
to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon
my soul; and I believed it.
191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as
an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace.
Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to
hold by this word, that of _Esau_ would fly in my face like lightning: I
should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear
me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for
several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of
pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, _I loved thee whilst thou wast
committing this sin_, _I loved thee before_, _I love thee still_, _and I
will love thee for ever_.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not
but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had
horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to
love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was
still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and
affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,
did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon
myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then
thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could
freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord
and Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to
love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon
me, _If Thou_, _Lord_, _shouldst mark iniquities_, _O Lord_, _who should
stand_? _But there is forgiveness with Thee_, _that Thou mayest be
feared_. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the
latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord,
that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might
be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, _That the
great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures_,
_that rather than He would go without their love_, _He would pardon their
transgressions_.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by
it; _That thou mayest remember and be confounded_, _and never open thy
mouth any more_, _because of thy shame_, _when I am pacified toward thee
for all that thou hast done_, _saith the Lord God_. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus
was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at
liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing,
lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived
and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my
mind, _That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the
word of the promise of life_, _yet unless there could be found in my
refreshment_, _a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures_, _let me
think what I will thereof_, _and hold it never so fast_, _I should find
no such thing at the end_; _And the scripture cannot be broken_. John x.
35.
196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a
disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to
examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as
I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God,
laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I
had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. _For
it is impossible for those who were once enlightened_, _and have tasted
of the heavenly gift_, _and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost_, _and
have tasted the good word of God_, _and the powers of the world to come_,
_if they shall fall away_, _to renew them again unto repentance_. Heb.
vi. 4–6. _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the
knowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but
a certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_,
_which shall devour the adversaries_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _As Esau_, _who
for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_. _For ye know how that
afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was
rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it
carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no
promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now
would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O
Israel_, _for joy_, _as other people_. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed,
there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I
had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither
foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious
word of life.
198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house
whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto
the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it
could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it
could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die
in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my
soul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_. Dan. x.
14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor
brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were
completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they
tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be
eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have
an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_,
yet I was glad it was but _for many days_. Thus, I say, I would recall
myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words
came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this
would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be
helped by it, though I did.
200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my
door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to
prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That
neither the mercy of God_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all
concern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but
in vain to pray_. Yet, thought I, _I will pray_. _But_, said the
tempter, _your sin is unpardonable_. Well, said I, _I will pray_. ’Tis
to no boot, said he. Yet said I, _I will pray_. So I went to prayer to
God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_,
_Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ’s blood_, _is
sufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by
believing Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither
wilt not nor canst_? _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing
Thou wilt and canst_.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my
heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had
clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not
able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six
months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there
should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as
sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a
sad condition.
202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of
doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to
know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my
mind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no
more_? _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_? _Doth His promise fail for
evermore_? _Hath God forgotten to be gracious_? _Hath He in anger shut
up His tender mercies_? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in
my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’_Tis a question
whether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_. Yea, the interrogatory
seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not,
nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not
fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger
shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same
time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten
my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone,
nor clean gone for ever.
203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question,
_Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which
doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and
at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should
not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He
is able_. But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it
showed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave
such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with
me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either
before or after. Heb. vii. 25.
204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the
fear of this, _That no word of God could help me_, that piece of a
sentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_. At this, methought
I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing
it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was
looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my
soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I
thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it
was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose
me, but many more such as I besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding
conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be
in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble
presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear
and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then,
but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about _the sufficiency of
grace_, and _that_ of _Esau’s_ parting with his birthright, would be like
a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost,
and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or
trouble.
206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this
scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply
the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I
gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to
hope there might be mercy for me; _My grace is sufficient_: And though it
came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was
hope; yet because _for thee_ was left out, I was not contented, but
prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting
of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were
strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better,
but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power
suddenly break in upon me; _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace
is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, three times
together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as
_My_, and _grace_, and _sufficient_, and _for thee_; they were then, and
sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.
207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as
though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles
upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it
broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust;
only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing
comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me
to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my
heart, that other, about _Esau_, returned upon me as before: so my soul
did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down;
now in peace, and anon again in terror.
208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes
tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for
all those scriptures forenamed in the _Hebrews_, would be set before me,
as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I
would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would
also think thus with myself: _Why_, _how many scriptures are there
against me_? _There are but three or four_; _And cannot God miss them_,
_and save me for all them_? Sometimes again I would think, _Oh_! _if it
were not for these three or four words_, _now how might I be comforted_!
And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.
209. Then methought I should see as if both _Peter_ and _Paul_, and
_John_, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in
derision; and as if they had said unto me, _All our words are truth_,
_one of as much force as another_: _it is not we that have cut you of_,
_but you have cast away yourself_. _There is none of our sentences that
you must take hold upon_, _but these and such as these_; _it is
impossible_, Heb. vi.; _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, Heb. x.
_And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God_,
_than after they had known it_, _to turn from the holy commandment
delivered unto them_, 2 Peter ii. 21. _For the Scriptures cannot be
broken_. John x. 35.
210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be
judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the _avenger_ of blood
at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a
thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for
ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.
211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be
satisfied in this question, _Whether the scriptures could agree in the
salvation of my soul_? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were
true, and that they must stand for ever.
212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and
considering that these frames were according to the nature of several
scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet;
but of that of _Esau_, then tormented. Lord, thought I, _if both these
scriptures should meet in my heart at once_, _I wonder which of them
would get the better of me_. So methought I had a longing mind that they
might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.
213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they
bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me
for a while; at last that about _Esau’s_ birthright began to wax weak,
and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace
prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing,
that scripture came in upon me, _Mercy rejoiceth against judgment_.
James ii. 13.
214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of
God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of
life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet
the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii.
8–11. _Mark_ ix. 5–7. _John_ vi. 37. Also that _Moses_ and _Elias_
must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.