GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR,
A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR
SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN
IN this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it will
not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give you a hint
of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and
bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified before
the sons of men.
2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and
inconsiderable generation; my father’s house being of that rank that is
meanest, and most despised of all the families in the land. Wherefore, I
have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of any high-born
state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify
the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me into the world,
to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.
3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my
parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me to school,
to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, according to
the rate of other poor men’s children: though, to my shame, I confess, I
did soon lose that I had learned, even almost utterly, and that long
before the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon my soul.
4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in
the world, it was, indeed, _according to the course of this world and the
spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience_. Eph. ii. 2, 3.
It was my delight to be ‘taken captive by the devil _at his will_,’ 2
Tim. ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness; the which did also so
strongly work, and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that
from a child, that I had but few equals (especially considering my years,
which were tender, being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and
blaspheming the holy name of God.
5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as
a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with soberness
considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he
did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with
fearful visions. For often, after I have spent this and the other day in
sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the
apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought,
laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.
6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with
the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; still fearing, that it
would be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellish
fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness,
unto the judgment of the great day.
7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten years
old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my many sports
and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast
down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins:
yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I
should often wish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been
a devil; supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs be,
that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented
myself.
8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon
forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as
if they had never been: wherefore with more greediness, according to the
strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins of my lust, and
delighted in all transgressions against the law of God: so that until I
came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth
that kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.
9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this
poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I
had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid
myself open, even to the stroke of those laws which bring some to
disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.
10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I
could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that when I
have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, it
would be as it were a prison to me. _Then I said unto God_, _Depart from
me_, _for I desire not the knowledge of Thy ways_. Job xxi. 14, 15. I
was now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of
sight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in my
thoughts. _O Lord_, _Thou knowest my life_, _and my ways were not hid
from Thee_!
11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the
greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my
companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time seen wicked things, by
those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As once
above all the rest, when I was in the height of vanity, yet hearing one
to swear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke
upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.
12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now
with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. For
once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning.
Another time I fell out of a boat into _Bedford_ river, but, mercy yet
preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in a field, with one of
my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, so I
having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned
her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out
with my fingers; by which act had not God been merciful unto me, I might
by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.
13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When I was a
soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege
it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in
my room: to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and coming to
the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the head with a
musket-bullet and died.
14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did
awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more
and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own salvation.
15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state,
and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly:
This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be (not
having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet
this she had for her part: _The Plain Man’s Pathway to Heaven_ and _The
Practice of Piety_; which her father had left her when he died. In these
two books I would sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some
things that were somewhat pleasing to me (but all this while I met with
no conviction). She also would be often telling of me what a godly man
her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his
house, and among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in
his days, both in word and deed.
[Picture: Bunyan and his Wife read her Father’s Books]
16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not reach
my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget
within me some desires to religion: so that because I knew no better, I
fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit, to go to
church twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there should very
devoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yet retaining my wicked life;
but withal, I was so over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I
adored, and that with great devotion, even all things (both the
high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to
the church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and
especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly
blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and
were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.
17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, that
had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in his
life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit
unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing
them the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and
have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work did so
intoxicate and bewitch me.
18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought
came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the _Israelites_ or no?
For finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar people of
God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy.
Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this
question, but could not tell how I should: at last I asked my father of
it; who told me, _No_, _we were not_. Wherefore then I fell in my
spirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of
sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion
soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I never thought of
Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. _Thus man_, _while blind_,
_doth wander_, _but wearieth himself with vanity_, _for he knoweth not
the way to the city of God_. Eccles. x. 15.
20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his subject
was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking that,
either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I was, notwithstanding my
religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and
especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith):
wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and
believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing.
And at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can
remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and
so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my
spirit.
21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights,
and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it lasted not, for
before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my
heart returned to its old course: but oh! how glad was I, that this
trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin
again without control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my
food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports
and gaming, I returned with great delight.
22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and having
struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it the
second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which
said, _Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven_, _or have thy sins and
go to hell_? At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore leaving
my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with
the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me,
as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely
threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly
practices.
[Picture: Bunyan hears a Voice from Heaven]
23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this
conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set my sins
again before my face), _That I had been a great and grievous sinner_,
_and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven_; _for Christ
would not forgive me_, _nor pardon my transgressions_. Then I fell to
musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it
should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too
late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for,
thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable
if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be
damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be
damned for few.
24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were
present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made this
conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well
remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul,
that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I
should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must
not think; wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of
sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste
the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly
with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I
feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lye not,
neither do I feign this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and
with all my heart, my desires: _The good Lord_, _Whose mercy is
unsearchable_, _forgive me my transgressions_!
25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more
usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to over-run the
spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of
conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair,
that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually have a
secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them; _for they
have loved sins_, _therefore after them they will go_. Jer. ii. 25, and
xviii. 12.
26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still
grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would. This did
continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was standing
at a neighbour’s shop window, and there cursing and swearing, and playing
the madman, after my wonted manner, there sate within, the woman of the
house, and heard me; who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly
wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate,
that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, _that I was
the ungodliest fellow for swearing_, _that she ever heard in all her
life_; _and that I_, _by thus doing_, _was able to spoil all the youth in
the whole town_, _if they come but in my company_.
27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and that
too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood
there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might
be a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak without
this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it,
that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation; for I thought it
could never be.
28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward,
so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it;
and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath before,
and another behind, to make my words have authority; now I could, without
it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than ever I could before.
All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and
plays.
29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man that
made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly
of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore falling into
some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began
to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical
part thereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such like scriptures, I
could not away with them, being as yet ignorant, either of the
corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to
save me.
30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words and
life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which
commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them
pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet now and then
should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then I should repent,
and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and
there get help again; for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man
in _England_.
31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did
take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel
much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners;
and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith,
nor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died, my state had
been most fearful.
32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion,
from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and truly,
so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of
Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now therefore they began to praise, to
commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind my back.
Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was become a right honest
man. But oh! when I understood these were their words and opinions of
me, it pleased me mighty well. For, though as yet I was nothing but a
poor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was
truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did,
either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus I
continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.
33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight in
ringing, but my _conscience_ beginning to be tender, I thought such
_practice_ was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it; yet my
mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, and look on,
though I durst not ring: but I thought this did not become religion
neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but quickly after,
I began to think, _how if one of the bells should fall_? Then I chose to
stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to
side, thinking here I might stand sure; but then I should think again,
should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then,
rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me stand
in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for if the
bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be
preserved notwithstanding.
34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go any
farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my head, how if the
steeple itself should fall? And this thought (it may for aught I know)
when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I
durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, but was forced to flee,
for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.
[Picture: Bunyan at the Steeple]
35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I could
quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that
commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I
had great peace in my conscience, and should think with myself, God
cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine own
way, I thought no man in _England_ could please God better than I.
36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant of Jesus
Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had
perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my state by
nature.
37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to _Bedford_,
to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came
where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in the sun,
talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear them
discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk
talker also myself, in the matters of religion; but I may say, _I heard
but understood not_; for they were far above, out of my reach. Their
talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how
they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they talked how
God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with
what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and
supported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned
of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to
each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up
under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of
heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhor their own
righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do them any good.
[Picture: Bunyan listens to the poor women of Bedford]
38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake
with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such appearance of
grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had found a new
world; as if they were _people that dwelt alone_, _and were not to be
reckoned among their neighbours_. Numb. xxiii. 9.
39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my
condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion
and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; neither knew I
the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery
of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of
them; neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were, nor how
they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.
40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I
left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and
discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was
greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced
that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by
them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was
such a one.
41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and
again into the company of these poor people; for I could not stay away;
and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition;
and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at
which I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what a blind,
ignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was). The one was
a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall
under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other
was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on
all other good things, which at any time I heard or read of.
42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like an
horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, _Give_, _Give_, Prov. xxx. 15;
yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of
heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but
little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor
threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though I may
speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, it would
then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to
earth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earth to heaven.
43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom
my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he being a most
wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I now shook him
off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year after I had
left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did: he,
after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well. But, Harry,
said I, _why do you curse and swear thus_? _What will become of you_,
_if you die in this condition_? He answered me in a great chafe, _What
would the devil do for company_, _if it were not for such as I am_?
44. About this time I met with some Ranters’ books, that were put forth
by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by
several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make
any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon
them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would betake myself to hearty
prayer in this manner. _O Lord_, _I am a fool_, _and not able to know
the truth from error_: _Lord_, _leave me not to my own blindness_,
_either to approve of or condemn this doctrine_; _if it be of God_, _let
me not despise it_; _if it be of the devil_, _let me not embrace it_.
_Lord_, _I lay my soul in this matter only at Thy foot_, _let me not be
deceived_, _I humbly beseech Thee_. I had one religious intimate
companion all this while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before;
but about this time, he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave
himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would
also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all
exhortations to sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he
would laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions,
and could never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a
little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters.
Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company
forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a
familiar.
45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling lying
in the country, I happened to light into several people’s company, who
though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these
Ranters. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as
legal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection,
that could do what they would and not sin. Oh! these temptations were
suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature in its prime;
but God, who had, as I hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in
the fear of His name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed
principles. And blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him
to be kept and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have
since seen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, not
only from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since.
The Bible was precious to me in those days.
46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and
read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of the apostle St
Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I was then never out of
the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying out to God, that
I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.
47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, _To one is
given_, _by the Spirit_, _the word of wisdom_; _to another the word
knowledge by the same Spirit_; _and to another faith_, etc. 1 Cor. xii.
And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the Holy Ghost
intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten
with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding
and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word I mused, and could
not tell what to do, especially this word ‘Faith’ put me to it, for I
could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I had any faith,
or no; but I was loath to conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so,
thought I, then I shall count myself a very cast-away indeed.
48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant
sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding
that other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not
altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is; for it was shewn
me, and that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude
themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their
souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.
49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid to see
my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my
soul, but did continually, against this my sad and blind conclusion,
create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I could not rest
content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had
faith or no, this always running in my mind, _But how if you want faith
indeed_? _But how can you tell you have faith_? And besides, I saw for
certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.
50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business
of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was
willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no. But
alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this
day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that
rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.
51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge
about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my
mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the tempter came in with
this delusion, _That there was no way for me to know I had faith_, _but
by trying to work some miracle_; urging those scriptures that seem to
look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay,
one day, as I was between _Elstow_ and _Bedford_, the temptation was hot
upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at
this time was this, I must say to the _puddles_ that were in the
horsepads, _Be dry_; and to the _dry places_, _Be you puddles_: and truly
one time I was going to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak,
this thought came into my mind; _But go under yonder hedge and pray
first_, _that God would make you able_. But when I had concluded to
pray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried
to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no
faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so, I will
not try yet, but will stay a little longer.
52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had
faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that for the
present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were ever like to
have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and
so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.
53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at
Bedford was thus, _in a kind of a vision_, presented to me, I saw as if
they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing
themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and
shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds:
methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about
this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass;
concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the very midst of them,
and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.
54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, still
prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I
might enter therein: but none could I find for some time: at the last, I
saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way in the wall,
through which I attempted to pass: Now the passage being very strait and
narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, even until I was
well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great
striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a
sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding
glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with
the light and heat of their sun.
55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: The
mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shone
thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were
therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation
between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall,
I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father. John xiv.
6; Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow,
even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in
thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that
were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world
behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body
and soul and sin.
56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I
saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a
vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the
sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at home or
abroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up of
heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, _O Lord_, _consider my
distress_; for as yet I knew not where I was.
57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I
had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here, I began to
find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness;
especially with such as these, _whether I was elected_? _But how_, _if
the day of grace should now be past and gone_?
58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;
sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to
speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,
that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and
though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so
offend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the
very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power
thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my
desires; _It is not of him that willeth_, _nor of him that runneth_; _but
of God that showeth mercy_. Rom. ix. 16.
59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidently
saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had
voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,
and long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.
Therefore this would stick with me, _How can you tell that you are
elected_? _And what if you should not_? _How then_?
60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be you are
not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. Why then, said
Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; for if indeed,
you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your
being saved; _For it is not of him that willeth_, _nor of him that
runneth_; _but of God that showeth mercy_.
61. By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not knowing what to
say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little thought that
Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence thus
to start the question): for that the elect only attained eternal life;
that, I without scruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was
one of them, there lay the question.
62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and
perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I
went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many
weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the
ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with
weight upon my spirit, _Look at the generations of old_, _and see_; _did
ever any trust in God_, _and were confounded_?
63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; for
thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: _Begin at the
beginning of Genesis_, _and read to the end of the Revelations_, _and see
if you can find_, _that there were ever any that trusted in the Lord_,
_and were confounded_. So coming home, I presently went to my Bible, to
see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently;
for it was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit,
that it was as if it talked with me.
64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me: Then did
I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was,
but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that such a sentence
should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize, and abide
upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but
that it was in holy scripture).
65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at
last, casting my eye upon the _Apocrypha_ books, I found it in
_Ecclesiasticus_, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt
me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and
kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered
that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical;
yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the
promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for
that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still at times shine
before my face.
66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, _But
how if the day of grace should be past and gone_? How if you have
overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as I was
walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, _But how if
the day of grace is past_? And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter
presented to my mind those good people of _Bedford_, and suggested thus
unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would
save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the
blessing before I came.
67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might
well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition;
counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus
long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out,
Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! It
made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit,
but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost.
68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able
to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my
other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, _Compel them to
come in_, _that my house may be filled_; _and yet there is room_. Luke
xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially those, _And yet there is room_,
were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was
place enough in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did
speak these words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the
time would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no
place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it
upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation.
This I then verily believed.
69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while;
and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should
think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose
for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose speak them to
encourage me withal.
70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I
say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I
thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the
day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would
often also think on _Nebuchadnezzar_; of whom it is said, _He had given
him all the kingdoms of the earth_. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if
this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire
would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me.
71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the
beasts that _Moses_ counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts
were types of men; the _clean_, types of them that were the people of
God; but the _unclean_, types of such as were the children of the wicked
one. Now I read, that the clean beasts _chewed the cud_; that is,
thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of God: they also
_parted the hoof_. I thought that signified, we must part, if we would
be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading
about them, I found, that though we did chew the cud, as the _hare_; yet
if we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the
_swine_, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for
all that, but unclean: for I thought the _hare_ to be a type of those
that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the _swine_
was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth
the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let
a man be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found by reading the
word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world
_must be called by Him here_; called to the partaking of a share in His
word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits of His
Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do
indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in
heaven above.
72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do,
fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then
can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the
kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a
_Christian’s calling_! as when the Lord said to one, _Follow Me_; and to
another, _Come after Me_: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me
too: how gladly would I run after Him!
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I
cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame
to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory
in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share
therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have
given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand
times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be
converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that
carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was
fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage. Psalm
xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, _He
goeth up into a mountain_, _and calleth unto Him whom He would_, _and
they came unto Him_. Mark iii. 13.
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my
soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no
liking to me, for He called _whom He would_. But oh! the glory that I
saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom
read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, _Would I had
been in their clothes_, _would I had been born Peter_; _would I had been
born John_; _or_, _would I had been by and had heard Him when He called
them_, _how would I have cried_, _O Lord_, _call me also_! _But_, _oh_!
_I feared He would not call me_.
76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed
me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but
at last after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be
made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon
me: _I will cleanse their blood_, _that I have not cleansed_, _for the
Lord dwelleth in Zion_. Joel iii. 21. These words I thought were sent
to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I
were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto
Christ.
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in
_Bedford_, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they
told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me,
and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little
grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer
with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I
still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something
of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I
knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me,
and also to work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently
found, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in
wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires
also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that whereas before
my soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after every
foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was
good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now
continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on
the leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from
conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in
my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid
me as low as hell. If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not
believe that Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him, nor
see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with
a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the _Canaanites_ would dwell in
the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which,
when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises;
but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my
finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon
I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were against me; and I
saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would
condemn.
80. These things have often made me think of the child which the father
brought to Christ, _who_, _while he was yet coming to Him_, _was thrown
down by the devil_, _and also so rent and torn by him_, _that he lay down
and wallowed_, _foaming_. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.
81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up
against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to
set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too
even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break
it open: _Lord_, _break these gates of brass_, _and cut these bars of
iron asunder_. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word would sometimes create in
my heart a peaceable pause, _I girded thee_, _though thou hast not known
Me_. Isaiah xlv. 5.
82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more
tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or
stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and
would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words,
for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all
I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but
stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and
all good things.
83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion,
yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me;
only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a
sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without
fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in
the Person of Jesus Christ.
84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague and
affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself
within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I
was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was
so in God’s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally
bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I
thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have
changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself could
equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell
therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair; for I
concluded, that this condition that I was in, could not stand with a
state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given
up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long
while, even for some years together.
85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there
were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people
hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live here
always: the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast
down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, etc.
Lord, thought I, what a-do is here about such little things as these!
What seeking after carnal things, by some, and what grief in others for
the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and shed so many tears
for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and
prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a
good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem
myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count those
but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burthens. _A
wounded spirit who can bear_!
86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the
sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let
this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt of
conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ a
man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better.
Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood
of Christ might take it off: and if it was going off without it (for the
sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away),
then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the
punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, _Lord_,
_let it not go off my heart_, _but the right way_, _by the blood of
Christ_, _and the application of Thy mercy_, _through Him_, _to my soul_,
for that scripture lay much upon me, _without shedding of blood is no
remission_. Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of
this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under
wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease
from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost
their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the
wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and
blinder, and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and
made me cry to God the more, that it might not be so with me.
87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a
reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the
creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I
counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much
goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed
is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but
by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes,
etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful nature; they
were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell-fire
after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as
any of theirs.
89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was
come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, Song iv. 1,
_Behold_, _thou art fair_, _my love_, _behold_, _thou art fair_. But at
that time he made these two words, _my love_, his chief and subject
matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed
these several conclusions: 1. _That the church_, _and so every saved
soul_, _is Christ’s love_, _when loveless_. 2. _Christ’s love without a
cause_. 3. _Christ’s love_, _when hated of the world_. 4. _Christ’s
love_, _when under temptation and under destruction_. 5. _Christ’s
love_, _from first to last_.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to
the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; _If
it be so_, _that the saved soul is Christ’s love_, _when under temptation
and desertion_; _then poor tempted soul_, _when thou art assaulted_, _and
afflicted with temptations_, _and the hidings of God’s face_, _yet think
on these two words_, ‘My love,’ _still_.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and
I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, _What shall I
get by thinking on these two words_? This thought had no sooner passed
through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit,
_Thou art My Love_, _thou art My Dove_, twenty times together; and still
as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make
me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in
my heart, _But is it true_, _but is it true_? At which that sentence
fell upon me, _He wist not that it was true_, _which was done by the
Angel_. Acts xii. 9.
92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over
and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘_Thou art my Love_,
_thou art My Love_, _and nothing shall separate thee from My Love_. And
with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could
believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with
the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to
contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and
have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the
ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me:
wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, _Well_, _I would I had a
pen and ink here_, _I would write this down before I go any farther_;
_for surely I will not forget this forty years hence_. But, alas! within
less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin
to question all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true
manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life
and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much
followed by this scripture, _Simon_, _Simon_; _behold_, _Satan hath
desired to have you_, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud
within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once,
above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily
that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance,
methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have
stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me,
that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it
not.
94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the
last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with
what a loud voice these words, _Simon_, _Simon_, sounded in mine ears. I
thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me,
that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it
made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud,
meant me.
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of
this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from
heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I
should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of
this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still
be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon
after perceived the end of God therein.
96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down
upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with
before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another:
First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me;
after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and
the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and
astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up
questions in me against the very being of God, and of His only beloved
Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ? And whether the
holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy
and pure word of God?
97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, _How can you tell
but that the_ Turks _had as good scriptures to prove their_ Mahomet _the
Saviour_, _as we have to prove our Jesus is_? _And_, _could I think_,
_that so many ten thousands_, _in so many countries and kingdoms_,
_should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven_, (_if there
were indeed a heaven_); _and that we only_, _who live in a corner of the
earth_, _should alone be blessed therewith_? _Every one doth think his
own religion rightest_, _both_ Jews _and_ Moors, _and_ Pagans; _and how
if all our faith_, _and Christ_, _and scriptures_, _should be but a think
so too_?
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and
to set some of the sentences of blessed _Paul_ against them; but alas! I
quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again
upon me, _Though we made so great a matter of Paul_, _and of his words_,
_yet how could I tell_, _but that in very deed_, _he being a subtle and
cunning man_, _might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions_:
_and also take the pains and travel_, _to undo and destroy his fellows_.
99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may not,
and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a seizure upon
my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number,
continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else
but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed there
could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very
wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as
with a mighty whirlwind.
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, _I felt there
was something in me that refused to embrace them_. But this
consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my
spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these
temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such
thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this
temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and
swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son,
and of the scriptures.
101. Now I thought, _surely I am possessed of the devil_: at other
times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of
lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but heard Him
spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other
would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that
God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace,
nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded
that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God.
I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare
myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up
in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick sometimes I
did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the
temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul,
and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my
condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin
against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to
sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither
should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve but
that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have
been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no;
and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have
been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening;
and to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my
head downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from
speaking.
104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted
the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than this
dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. Yea, gladly
would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had
no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine
was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to
pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, I could not find,
that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also
tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions, _The wicked are
like the troubled sea_, _when it cannot rest_, _whose waters cast up mire
and dirt_. _There is no peace_, _saith my God_, _to the wicked_. Isa.
lvii. 20, 21.
105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have
given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor
sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to think that
this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and
others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again,
could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God; while
I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my
condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get
out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.
106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could
attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great
affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If I had
been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would
hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had
sudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be
so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have
neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that
but now I have read.
107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes
I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: he would be
also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make
haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still drawing my mind
away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these;
that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that,
_Fall down_; or, _if thou wilt fall down and worship me_. Matt. iii. 9.
108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of
this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God; then
with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound
me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the
form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to
these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind,
that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else
but to these, or such as they.
109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting
apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. But,
oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with
unexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should
cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I
should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that
God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the
holy angels, _This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me_, _as if I had
nothing to do with My mercy_, _but to bestow it on such as he_. _Alas_,
_poor soul_! _how art thou deceived_! _It is not for such as thee to
have favour with the Highest_.
110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements
as these: _You are very hot for mercy_, _but I will cool you_; _this
frame shall not last always_: _many have been as hot as you for a spurt_,
_but I have quenched their zeal_ (and with this, such and such, who were
fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that
I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind:
well, I will watch, and take what care I can. _Though you do_, said
Satan, _I shall be too hard for you_; _I will cool you insensibly_, _by
degrees_, _by little and little_. _What care I_, saith he, _though I be
seven years in chilling your heart_, _if I can do it at last_?
_Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep_: _I will ply it
close_, _but I will have my end accomplished_. _Though you be burning
hot at present_, _I can pull you from this fire_; _I shall have you cold
before it be long_.
111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present
could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long,
would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear
even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the
need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and
thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make
me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (_like her who met
with adulterer_, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to
me, after I had suffered these things a while:—_I am persuaded that
neither death_, _nor life_, _etc._, _shall be able to separate us from
the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord_. Rom. viii. 38, 39.
And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of
heaven.
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then
all questioned by me; that in _Jer. iii._ at the first was something to
me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though
we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry
unto God, _My Father_, _Thou art the Guide of my youth_, and shall return
unto Him.
113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:_ For He
hath made Him to be sin for us_, _Who knew no sin_, _that we might be
made the righteousness of God in Him_. I remember that one day, as I was
sitting in a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the consideration
of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, _What ground have
I to say that_, _who have been so vile and abominable_, _should ever
inherit eternal life_? That word came suddenly upon me, _What shall we
say to these things_? _If God be for us_, _who can be against us_? Rom.
viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, _Because I live_, _ye shall
live also_. John xiv. 19. But these words were but hints, touches, and
short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but,
_like to_ Peter’s _sheet_, _of a sudden were caught up from me_, _to
heaven again_. Acts x. 16.
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover
Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the
guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from
the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put
into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, and
musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the
enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, _Having
made peace through the blood of His cross_. Col. i. 20. By which I was
made to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were friends by
His blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could
embrace and kiss each other, through His blood. This was a good day to
me; I hope I shall never forget it.
116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was musing
on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,
_Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood_, _He
also Himself likewise took part of the same_, _that through death He
might destroy him that had the power of death_, _that is the devil_; _and
deliver those who through fear of death_, _were all their lifetime
subject to bondage_. Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the glory of these
words was then so weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to
swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and
peace.
117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr _Gifford_, whose
doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability. This man made it
much his business to deliver the people of God from all those false and
unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. He would bid us take
special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; as from this, or
that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily to God, that He would
convince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein by His own
Spirit in the holy word; _For_, said he, _if you do otherwise_, _when
temptations come_, _if strongly_, _you not having received them with
evidence from heaven_, _will find you want that help and strength now to
resist_, _that once you thought you had_.
118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter rains
in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth
of these his words: for I had felt _no man can say_, especially when
tempted by the devil, _that Jesus Christ is Lord_, _but by the Holy
Ghost_). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in
this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, that in nothing that
pertained to God’s glory, and my own eternal happiness, He would suffer
me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw
clearly, there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the
flesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven: also a great
difference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according to man’s
wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s being born thereto of God. Matt.
xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.
119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! Even
from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, and second
coming from heaven to judge the world!
120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good
unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that I then
cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was pleased to
do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I
was orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence, from the
relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving
Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to His
second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as
if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world,
from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how
gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and
wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, that dropped
on my spirit, _He was ordained for the slaughter_. 1 Peter i. 12, 20.
121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have
remembered that word, _Touch Me not_, _Mary_, etc., I have seen as if He
had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and
had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. John xx. 17. I have also
in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of God the Father for
me; and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven, to judge the
world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these
scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24
and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.
112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well
as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let men say
what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was
nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of God. Well,
I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be
resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: _And I beheld_,
_and_, _to_, _in the midst of the throne_, _and of the four beasts_, _and
in the midst of the elders_, _stood a Lamb_, _as it had been slain_. In
the midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of
the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought this did glister!
It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other
scripture also did help me much in this, _For unto us a Child is born_,
_unto us a Son is given_; _and the government shall be upon His
shoulder_: _and His name shall be called Wonderful_, _Counsellor_, _the
Mighty God_, _the Everlasting Father_, _the Prince of Peace_, etc. Isa.
ix. 6.
123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord made use
of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the errors of the
Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose
this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the
scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.