I
SCENE--_Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger,
apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit,
seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state
of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness._
_The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously)._ Yer saw that gentleman I
was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he _was_?
_First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who
sets a certain value on his conversation)._ Well, he didn't look much
like the Archbishop of Canterbury.
_The S._ He's a better man than _'im_! That was Brasher, the middling
weight! he giv' me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, _he_
did!
_First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence)._
Ah! did he, though?
_The S._ He _did_; I went up to him, and I sez, "Excuse me," I sez,
like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"
_First P. (with superiority)._ He wouldn't like that--being taken for a
German.
_The S. (solemnly)._ Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a
Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (_hazily_) one word
brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd
_seen_ Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!
_First P._ Well, I won't ask you to do that.
_The S. (firmly)._ Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to
see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton--'e's a
_good_ man, _'e_ is--'e _is_ a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks
'isself about! But if I was to pass _my_ opinion, it 'ud be
this--Killivan's _in_ it for science, he ain't in it to _take_ anything;
you may take that from me!
_First P._ (_objecting to be treated as an_ ingenu). It's not the first
time I've heard of it, by a long way.
_The S._ Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (_putting his hand on
First P.'s knee_). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?
_First P. (his dignity a little ruffled)._ I will--if it's anything in
reason.
_The S._ It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this--Sulton
_brought_ Killivan _out_. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I
_know_ this myself--one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey
way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present
moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!
_First P. (axiomatically)._ Every man's a mug who turns a good business
up.
_The S._ Yer right! And (_moralising_) it ain't _all_ 'oney with that
sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put
to the test, you're not a moneyed man--no more than I am myself?
_First P. (not altogether flattered)._ Well--that's as _may_ be.
_The S._ But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't
_know_ yer.
_First P. (modestly)._ I used to be in it at one time.
_The S. (confidentially)._ I'm in it _now_. I don't get my livin' by it,
though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am--to a certain extent. I've been
in America. _There's_ a country now--they don't over-tax like they do
'ere!
_First P. (sympathetically)._ There you _'ave_ touched a point--we're
taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is
charged----
_The S._ Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer
myself.
_First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and
condescension)._ There you are, then.
_The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe)._ I 'ope
I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?
_First P._ Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where _I_
go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another--you're setting your
coat alight.
_The S._ I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing
so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as
I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but
I can go into company where they _are_, d'ye _see_?
_First P. (shortly)._ _I_ see.
_The S. (with fresh misgivings)._ You'll excuse me if I've taken a
libbaty with yer!
_First P. (with a stately air)._ We settled all that just now.
_The S. (after a scrutiny)._ I tell yer what my idear of _you_ is--that
you're a _Toff!_
_First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily)._ No,
no--there's nothing of the toff about _me!_
_The S. (defiantly)._ Well, you're a _gentleman_, anyway?
_First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable)._ We can all of us be that,
so long as we behave ourselves.
_The S. (much pleased by this sentiment)._ Right agen! give us yer
'and--if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take
a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be
settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of
us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without
they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't _like_ that!
_First P. (shifting about)._ Quite so--quite so, of course!
_The S._ Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could
take _my_ part!
_First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment)._ I--I
hope we'll keep off that.
_The S. (devoutly)._ So do I! _I_ 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer
never know what may bring it on--and there it is, d'ye see! You and me
might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my
day. Do you doubt my word?--if so, say it to my face!
_First P._ I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.
_The S._ I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me
in a word! If you're _bent_ on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's
all I can tell you!
_First P. (giving himself up for lost)._ But I'm _not_ bent on a
row--qu--quite otherwise!
_The S._ You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put
_up_, I'm--'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?
_First P. (eagerly)._ Yes--make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on
this line!
_The S. (completely mollified)._ Then I'll say good-bye to yer.
(_Tenderly._) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.
_First P._ We--we'll hope so--good day to you, wish you luck!
_The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I 'ope you
don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I _never_ fall out----
[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train
moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of
relief._
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOT QUITE UP TO DATE
_Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don't know if it'd
make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave
a fallen down!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOTES OF TRAVEL
_Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two
dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come
back!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: IN THE UNDERGROUND
_Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in
the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a
wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "TOUT VIENT A QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"
Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied
violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-class
passengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified
lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"
_Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine
mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away
y' go!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE
_Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"
_Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I'm the clerk."
_Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for
London?"
_Boy._ "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and
sometimes another."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station
being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the
operation.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got
into a smoking compartment)._ "You don't object to my pipe, I 'ope,
mum?"
_Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!"
_Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"]
* * * * *