_(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_
SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female
Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._
_Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train,
so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.
_Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask
"if you are any lady's husband?"
_Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!
_Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given
to understand that all bachelors are miserable.
_Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?
_Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster.
_Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?
_Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else.
_Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking
compartment.
_Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.
_Male T._ Why! don't _you_ object to a cigar?
_Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!
[_Red fire and tobacco._
_Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a
correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.
_Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married!
_Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can
receive me as somebody's betrothed.
_Fem. T. (regardless of grammar)._ Who's somebody?
_Male T. (smiling)._ Think of your own name.
_Fem. T._ What next?
_Male T._ Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in
exchange. (_Train arrives at a station._)
_Guard (without)._ All change!
[_And later on they do._
* * * * *
THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A NON-SEQUITUR
_Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare)._ "I suppose
now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"
_Shoeblack._ "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch
a train, gives me sixpence!"
[_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards,
couldn't see the connection._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE TWOPENNY TUBE
"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"
"No; all our tickets are alike."
"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING
_Stout Party (rather hot)._ "Hope you don't find the breeze too much,
sir?"
_Fellow Passenger._ "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SKYLIGHT VIEW--A RAILWAY STATION]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage)._ "Don't
you keep a brush for that work, porter?"
_Porter._ "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're
allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [_Hint taken._]
* * * * *