faithful collie at his heels. Attracted by a fine display of shell and
other fish, the Scot stopped to admire, perhaps to purchase. The
dog stood by gently wagging its tail while its master engaged the
fishmonger in conversation.
Unfortunately for the dog, its tail dropped for a moment over a big
basketful of fine live lobsters. Instantly one of the largest lobsters
snapt its claws on the tail and the surprised collie dashed off
through the market, yelping with pain, while the lobster hung on
grimly, tho dashed violently from side to side. The fishmonger for
a moment was speechless with indignation. Then turning to his
prospective customer, he bawled:
"Mon, mon! whustle to yer dog! Whustle to yer dog!"
"Hoot, mon," returned the other, complacently, "whustle to yer
lobster!"
SEASICKNESS
"My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a duck-pond!"
"I know, old boy--but I've taken six--different--remedies."--_Punch_.
The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at Washington
took the several Justices of the Court for a run down Chesapeake Bay.
A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting decidedly the
worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great distress the Chief
Justice touched him on the shoulder and said in a tone of deepest
sympathy:
"Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?"
"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor can
overrule this motion."
An amateur sailor was making his first trip across the Atlantic, and
was in the throes of the _mal de mer_ when the ship's surgeon came
across him.
"What's the matter?" was the doctor's callous query.
"O-o-oh!" was the only response as the young man rolled over in agony.
"Come, get up," derided the surgeon, grinning unfeelingly. "The ship's
been torpedoed and will sink in ten minutes."
"Ten minutes?" the sick man protested feebly. "Can't you make it any
sooner?"
"How was the trip over?" I asked one of our returning soldiers.
"Rough as thunder," was the reply.
"Did they feed you well?" I asked.
"Six meals a day," he said.
"Six?" I echoed.
"Yes," was the laughing reply; "three down and three up."
A New York man was crossing the Atlantic with an army officer who
suffered greatly from sea-sickness.
On entering the stateroom one particularly rough day, he found the
officer tossing in his berth, muttering in what at first appeared to
be a sort of delirium.
Stooping over to catch his words, the friend heard him say: "Sergeant
... major ... sergeant ... major ... brigadier-general ... ugh,
_lieutenant_-general ... a-a-ah!"
"What are you saying?" asked the friend in some alarm, as the sufferer
looked piteously up at him after his last gasping "a-a-ah!"
"Assigning the waves their rank," said the military man, rolling
toward the wall again. "There have been eight lieutenant-generals
within the last twenty minutes."
CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST--"Nothing is ever lost! Everything in the universe
is in its right place at the right time!"
MAN FROM MISSOURI--"Have you never been seasick?"
The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in such
instances one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy.
"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on the
rail.
The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn he
could muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hanging
over the front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!"
SECRETS
"Can you keep a secret, Peggy?"
"I can; but it's just my luck to tell things to other girls who
can't."
ALICE--"I thought you could keep a secret."
MABEL--"Well, I kept it for a week. Do you think I'm a cold-storage
plant?"
JACK--"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"
ETHEL--"No; I don't want her to think it was important enough to
repeat."
CRAWFORD--"I see that the Ku Klux are going to admit women members."
CRABSHAW--"Why, I thought it was a secret society."
It is said that an ancient Chinese sage who lived in the second
century was offered a bribe. His silence being accepted as hesitation,
he was assured that he was perfectly safe, as no one knew it. He
replied:
"Heaven knows, it. Earth knows it. You know it. I know it. How can you
say that no one knows it?"
SELF-MADE MEN
"Yes, sir," said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the architect of my
own fortune."
"Well," rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is that
it's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspectors around
when you were constructing it."
SENATE
FORWARDLOOKER--"The Senate has a plan to settle labor disputes."
CYNIC--"If labor would devise a plan for settling Senate disputes, we
might have peace."
The more we read about the Senate the more we understand the word
"jazz."
SENATORS
"What is your position on this great question?"
"My position," replied Senator Sorghum, "is somewhat like that of a
tight-rope walker. I don't want to stop to argue or show off. What I
want to do is to get across to solid ground."
"The interrogation 'Where did you get it?' causes me much less
apprehension," confessed Senator Smugg, "than the feeling that some
day the public may learn the answer to the question 'Where did you put
it?'"--_Puck_.
SENSE OF HUMOR
SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT (cross-questioning the terrified class)--"And
now I want you boys to tell me who wrote 'Hamlet.'"
FRIGHTENED BOY--"P-p-please, sir, it-it wasn't me."
That same evening the superintendent was talking to his host, the
squire of the village. The superintendent said:
"Most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the class over
at the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet.' He answered
tearfully, 'P-p-please, sir, it wasn't me.'"
After loud and prolonged laughter, the squire said:
"That's pretty good, and I suppose the little rascal had done it all
the time!"
_British and American Humor_
Having observed in a London omnibus a notice warning passengers to
be careful as they alight, which is couched in these terms: "Cinema
actors risk their lives for pay! Don't do it for nothing!" a New York
journalist remarks that "an American advertisement on that subject
would be serious; the British are more flippant in their seriousness
than the Americans."
It seems as if this critic (writes a correspondent of the Manchester
Guardian) never saw the notices posted in the trains used for
conveying American troops in France during the last six months of the
war. Tho drawn up at American headquarters, these notices are quite as
"flippant in their seriousness" as the one he quotes. One of them ran:
THREE KINDS OF FOOLS
1. Fools.
2. Damned fools.
3. SOLDIERS WHO RIDE ON TOPS AND SIDES OF CARS.
A great many American soldiers have already been killed as a result of
riding on tops of cars.
There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and
tunnel arches.
There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and
bridge superstructures.
There is only a slight clearance between sides of cars and
signal-towers.
IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE THE NEXT BLOCK KEEP YOURS INSIDE.
There was another one worded as follows:
YOUR HEAD MAY BE HARD
But not so hard as Bridges and Tunnel Arches.
Railway company will hold you responsible for damages to bridges and
tunnels and signal-towers--they are not insured.
KEEP YOUR BLOCK INSIDE
And yet another:
Huns are waiting.
Trenches ahead.
Speed up.
You won't if you ride on top of or stick your head out of cars.
KEEP YOUR IVORY IN!
HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Y'r Honor, Oi think that humorist should be
prohibited from givin' his lecture in the opera house tomorrow night,
sor!"
MAYOR OF TOWN--"Why so, Mooney? Is it immoral?"
HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Not immoral, sor; but they say his humor is
contagious!"
SENTRIES
_See_ Armies.
SERMONS
_See_ Preaching.
SERVANTS
MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that
dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least."
BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been here only t'ree
weeks."
While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, they passed
an employment agency with this sign in the window: "Colored Help
Supplied."
"Look, ma," said Willie. "Is that where we got our green cook?"
Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up her
employment in order that she might try her luck at the easier
profession of cateress, met her former mistress on the street.
"Good morning, Cynthia," said the lady. "Where are you working now?"
"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am," replied Cynthia, coyly; "I'se
capering for a congressman."
WIFE--"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's good, but
somewhat out of style."
HUSBAND--"Why don't you give it to the laundress?"
WIFE--"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, and I wouldn't
offend her for the world."
MRS. ECKS--"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served us. And Mrs. Wise
said she had such a treasure."
MRS. WYE--"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. She has the
treasure locked in her room for fear one of the guests might steal
her."
MISTRESS--"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. We
have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening."
COOK--"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak of for years,
but as you insists upon it you can put me down for 'The 'Oly City'!"
NEW MISTRESS--"How about the afternoon off?"
NORAH--"Sure, mum, take wan--I'm willin'."
MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)--"Matthews! What does this mean?
How did this policeman get here?"
COOK (equal to the occasion)--"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave bin left over
by the last cook."
"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah."
"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for the
family."
"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we moved
out here," said Mr. Crosslots.
"They didn't call to see us," replied his wife. "The report has gone
out that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquainted
with her."
Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how to
receive calling-cards. She let herself out the front door, and when
the new servant answered her ring she gave him her card.
The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they presented
their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs.
Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door:
"Tickets no good; you can't come in."
MISTRESS--"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me."
BRIDGET--"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a houseful of
company."
Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her so badly
that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when she was away and
offered the cook more money. The next time they met at a big dinner
Mrs. Johnson did not notice her.
"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the lady who
sat between them.
"No, I believe not," said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand that she
calls on my cook."
MR. EXE--"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?"
MRS. EXE--"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told her it was
just right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone."
"Does your family have any trouble with servants?"
"No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay around
the place long enough to become really troublesome."
Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when
one asked the other:
"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?"
"I am afraid not."
"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of dancing!"
"I'd love to go," explained the conscientious maid, "but to tell you
the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother."
"A flirt, am I!" exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go. "Well, I
know them as flirts more than I do, and with less hexcuse." She shot a
spiteful look at her mistress and added: "I'm better looking than you.
More 'andsome. 'Ow do I know? Your husband told me so."
"That will do," said her mistress, frigidly.
"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann. "I can give a better
kiss than you! You want to know 'oo told me that, mum?"
"If you mean to suggest that my husband--"
"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time," said Mary Ann. "It was your
chauffeur."
Mrs. Bliffkins met Mary Smith, whom she had recommended to a neighbor
for a situation.
"How are you getting on at your new place?" asked Mrs. Bliffkins.
"Very well, thank you," was the reply.
"I am glad to hear it," remarked Mrs. Bliffkins. "Your employer is a
very nice lady, and you cannot do too much for her."
"I don't mean to, ma'am," replied Mary.
MRS. SMYTHE DE WILLOUGHBY--"Was the grocer's boy impudent again this
morning, Clara, when you telephoned the order?"
CLARA--"'E was, mum! But I didn't 'arf give 'im wot for. I sez, 'Who
d'yer blinkin' well think you're a-talkin 'to? I'm Mrs. Smythe der
Willoughby!'"--_Punch_.
MRS. GLABBERDEEN--"Of course you, too, must often change cooks?"
MRS. JALPERDILL--"Oh, don't speak of it! We suffer from such a
continual going and coming that we've decided this winter to equip our
kitchen with revolving doors."
VISITOR--"Why does your servant go about the house with her hat on?"
MISTRESS--"Oh, she's a new girl. She only came this morning, and
hasn't yet made up her mind whether she'll stay."--_Punch (London)_.
The new word for "servant" and the new hours have come, judging from
this advertisement:
Household assistants (two) wanted in private family; eight hours
daily; six days weekly; one from 8 to 5; another from 11 to 8; all off
for lunch; no meals; sleep home; wages, $10. Apply--, etc.
HUSBAND (at dinner)--"By George, this is a regular banquet. Finest
spread I've sat down to in an age. What's up? Do you expect company?"
WIFE--"No, but I think the cook does."
AGATHA-"Is your former cook happy since she inherited a fortune?"
AGNES-"No, she's all dressed up and no place to leave."
"Have you any cooks on hand?"
"Six in the anteroom."
"Ask 'em to look me over and see if there is anybody here I might
suit."
THE NEW MAID--"In my last place I always took things fairly easy."
COOK--"Well, it's different here. They keep everything locked up."
Mrs. X. had lost her cook and had telephoned in vain for another.
Dinner guests were expected and she was desperate. Finally, putting
on her things, she went out, and she hadn't gone far when she met a
neat-looking colored woman. She explained her dilemma and the colored
woman listened in silence, then she said: "Where do yo' live, missus?"
Seeing a ray of hope joyfully, Mrs. X. gave her address, to be met
with this reply:
"Well, yo 'jess go home an' look in yo' glass an' yo'll see yo' cook."
MISTRESS--"I want a maid who will be faithful and not a time-waster.
Can you promise that?"
BRIDGET--"Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, about wastin'
time that I make one job of prayin' and scrubbin'."
"Do you keep any servants?"
"No, of course, not."
"But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?"
"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we
don't keep them."
FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by her
mistress)--"And they all came in limousines, and had on the grandest
clothes, and wore the biggest diamonds."
NEIGHBOR'S MAID--"And what did they talk about?"
FIRST MAID--"Us."
"I'm afraid I'll never be able to teach you anything, Maggie," was
the despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a new Irish domestic.
"Don't you know that you should always hand me notes and cards on a
salver?"
"Sure, mum, I knew," answered Maggie, "but I didn't know you did."
Bridget had been discharged. Extracting a five-dollar bill from her
wage-roll, she threw it to Fido. Then the shocked mistress heard her
exclaim: "Sure 'n' I niver fergit a frind; that's fer helpin' me wash
the dishes."
_See also_ Recommendations.
SERVICE
_Payment_
We pay too much with money, pay
Our debts with gold, and only gold--
Bestow a purse and turn away,
And think that song is bought and sold.
A queen paid Shakespeare for his wit,
And thought that was the end of it.
We pay too much with money, deem
A dollar can discharge a debt,
Or buy a dress, or buy a dream,
Perhaps a spray of mignonette.
The deft designer, what of her?
And who can pay a gardener?
We must pay money, and pay more--
The sustenance for daily need,
And then the larger payment for
The beauty dreamed, the planted seed--
With service pay for service, give
The larger things by which we live.
Each has his gift and each his art
That men for others must employ;
We must contribute each his part
To make the universal joy--
With service pay for service, pay
Each in his own, his destined, way.
--_Douglas Malloch_.
SERVICE STAR
_The Gold Star_
Little golden service star,
How I wonder who you are.
Does a sweetheart, or a wife,
Love you, little star of "Life?"
Or a mother, proud but sad,
Who gave all, her only lad?
When I first beheld you there
You were blue, born with a prayer.
Golden star and star of blue--
With one soul God gave to you--
Do you know how proud we are
Of the golden service star?
--_Beth Nichols_.
SHOPPING
CLERK--"Now see here little girl, I can't spend the whole day showing
you penny toys. Do you want the earth with a little red fence around
it for a cent?"
LITTLE GIRL--"Let me see it."
"How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?"
"When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper. When
they're shopping they ask if you haven't something more expensive in
stock."
In a busy department store, a lady asked to see blankets. After the
clerk had emptied the shelves and piled the counters with blankets
of every description and color, the lady thanked him and said: "I was
just looking for a friend."
"Well, madam," said the obliging clerk, "if you think your friend is
among these blankets, I'll look again."
"Was papa the first man who ever proposed to you, mama?"
"Yes; but why do you ask?"
"I was just thinking that you might have done better if you had
shopped around a little more."
Here is a story of a lady who seemed to want a lot for her money. She
rushed excitedly into the hardware department.
"Give me a mouse-trap!" she exclaimed. "Quickly, please, because I
want to catch a train."
HUSBAND (discovering the hall full of packages)--"Heavens! You must
have had a successful shopping day."
WIFE--"Yes, dear, and that isn't the best of it. I have actually got
something that I am going to keep."--_Life_.
An old fellow who was noted through the town for his stuttering as
well as for his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at a grocery
and inquired:
"How m-m-many t-t-t-turkeys have you g-g-got?"
"Eight, sir," replied the grocer.
"T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?"
"Some are tender and some tough," was the reply.
"I k-keep b-b-b-boarders," said the new customer. "P-pick out the four
t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you p-p-please."
The delighted grocer very willingly complied with the unusual request,
and said in his politest tones:
"These are the tough ones, sir."
Upon which the customer coolly put his hand on the remaining four, and
exclaimed:
"I'll t--t--take th--th--th--these!"
SIGHT SEEING
The motor-bus stopped, and the conductor looked earnestly up the
steps, but no one descended, and at last he stalked up impatiently.
"'Ere, you," he said to a man on top, "don't you want Westminster
Abbey?"
"Yes," was the reply.
"Well," retorted the conductor, "come down for it. I can't bring it on
the bus for you."
SIGNS
Eva S----, twenty-four years old, a maid employed in Jersey City,
was locked up last night in the West Thirtieth Street Police Station,
charged with grand larceny. She is alleged to have stolen $160 worth
of articles from a Sixth Avenue department-store.
The explanation she gave was that she saw a sign in the store which
read: "Customers, please take small packages home."
"Why do you have an apple as your trade-mark?" asked a client of the
cash tailor.
"Well, well," replied the man, rubbing his hands, "if it hadn't been
for an apple where would the clothing business be today?"
In a large park in one of the Eastern cities there are seats about the
bandstand with this notice posted on them:
"The seats in the vicinity of the bandstand are for the use of ladies.
Gentlemen should make use of them only after the former are seated."
A farmer hitched his team to a telephone-pole.
"Here," exclaimed a policeman, "you can't hitch there!"
"Can't hitch!" shouted the irate farmer, "Well, why does the sign say,
'Fine for Hitching'?'"
You have heard perhaps, of the Englishman in the South Station,
Boston, who read over a door "Inside Baggage," and chuckled with glee:
"You Americans are so droll! Now we should say 'Refreshment Room.'"
Somebody ought to call attention to the public-library sign, "Only low
talk is permitted here."
The small boy's parents had distinct ideas of discipline. The walls of
the sitting-room were lined with tracts, and the cane was always kept
behind "Love one another."
One day everything went wrong, and the little boy was whipped eight
times.
After the eighth caning he said, between his sobs, "D-d-don't you
think it's t-time to take the cane from behind 'L-love one another'
and put it behind 'I n-n-need Thee every hour'?"
Little Jane had long desired a baby sister, and one day she came
rushing home in high excitement.
"Oh, mother; come downtown quickly!" she exclaimed. "There are
splendid bargains in babies and you can get one while they are cheap."
"What in the world are you talking about, my dear?" the mother asked
in astonishment. "Somebody must have been playing a joke on you."
"Truly, truly!" the little girl declared, jumping up and down in her
eagerness. "Great big sign about it, on the top of the skating rink.
It says, 'This week only, children half price.'"
In Davenport: "We've given a service to our patrons that compels them
to think of Crooks when there's any laundry work to be done." On a
parsonage door in Trinidad, Colo.: "The last man who tried to work
me is in jail." On a tombstone in Batavia: "If we must part let us go
together." On State Street: "Open all night. Latest moving pictures."
In a Morton Park dance-hall: "Use checkroom. Absolutely no clothes
allowed in this room." (Attention of Mayor Harrison.) On Franklin
Street: "Reign Umbrella Co." In the Spencer Hotel, Marion, Ind.:
"Discourteous treatment, by the waiters, if reported to the
proprietor, will be greatly appreciated."
Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the point. They do
not waste any time in wondering how the reader will feel about it.
In a garage at Albuquerque is posted:
"Don't smoke round the tank! If your life isn't worth anything,
gasoline is!"
Another home problem is solved by a firm of cleaners in Grinnell,
Iowa, which advertises: "Notice--ladies--why worry about your dirty
kids when we clean them for fifteen cents?"
"Our readers," says the Boston Transcript, "often go into movie
theaters to laugh, but did you ever realize that you can get many a
good laugh by reading the funny wording of some of the signs out in
front and in the lobby? We have noticed how audiences enjoy these
funny signs which have been shown on the screen in The Literary
Digest 'Topics of the Day.' Here are some of the most laughable ones
mentioned:
"Movie theater sign:
"'Watch Your Wife'
Every Night This Week."
--_Albany Argus_.
"Sign in front of Harlem movie theater:
"'Mother, I Need You
for Three Days
Beginning Nov. 30'."
"Sign in front of movie house:
"'Geraldine Farrar, supported for the first time by her husband'."
--_Columbus (O.) Citizen_.
"This seems to be a very dangerous precipice," remarked the tourist.
"I wonder that they have not put up a warning-board!"
"Yes," answered the guide, "it is dangerous. They kept a warning-board
up for two years, but no one fell over, so it was taken down."
Mr. Roberts, a banker in a Western town, was very bald and was in the
habit of wearing his hat in the bank during business hours. Every week
a negro employee of the bank presented a check and drew his wages.
One day, as he was putting the money in a worn and greasy wallet, the
banker chanced to pass by, and asked, "Look here, John, why don't you
let some of that money stay in the bank and keep an account with us?"