Bridge waiting for trolley-cars. An elderly lady, red in the face,
flustered and fussy, dug her elbows into convenient ribs irrespective
of owners.
A fat man on her left was the recipient of a particularly vicious jab.
She yelled at him, "Say!"
He winced slightly and moved to one side.
She, too, sidestepped and thumped him vigorously on the back.
"Say!" she persisted, "does it make any difference which of these cars
I take to Greenwood Cemetery?"
"Not to me, madam," he answered, slipping through an opening in the
crowd.
AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER (to American)--"You Yanks think you've done a lot,
but you forget we Australians have been at the game for four years."
"Well, what have you done, anyway?"
"Done? We've been at Gallipoli, Mesopotamia, the plains of Bethlehem,
and--"
"The plains of Bethlehem?"
"Yes; I slept a week there myself."
"Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds watching their
flocks!"
Once in a while the choirs do get back at the minister, as, for
example, in a Connecticut church the other Sunday morning. The
minister announced, just after the choir had sung its anthem, as his
text, "Now when the uproar had ceased." But the singers bided their
time patiently, and when the sermon was over, rose and rendered in
most melodious fashion another anthem beginning, "Now it is high time
to awake after sleep."
REPORTING
A noted artist was recently visited by an interviewer, who fired at
him from a question-sheet questions such as these:
"Were your parents artistic? Which of your paintings do you consider
your best work? When, where, and why did you paint it? How much did
it bring you in? Who is your favorite dead master? Favorite living
master? What is your income from art? How much--"
But at this point the artist seized the interviewer by the arm and
began in his turn:
"Just a moment, please. What is your name, age, and salary? Is
journalism with you a life-work or merely a means to a higher literary
end? How do you like your editor? State his faults and salary. What
was the best interview you ever wrote? Give a brief summary of same.
Have you ever been fired? How does it feel? Where--"
But here the interviewer, jerking his arm from the painter's grasp,
fled from the studio, and the artist cheerfully resumed his work.
A "cub" reporter on a New York newspaper was sent to Paterson to write
the story of the murder by thieves, of a rich manufacturer. He spread
himself on the details and naively concluded his account with this
sentence:
"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money
in the bank the day before, so he lost practically nothing but his
life."--_Harper's_.
_See also_ Journalism; Newspapers.
REPUTATION
"So you come from New York," said an English lady to a traveling
American. "I supposed, of course, you came from Boston."
"Why did you think that?" inquired the New York lady.
"Because I supposed all cultivated, intelligent Americans came from
Boston."
"But what in the world made you think that?" was the natural question.
"Oh, I don't know, exactly. I think it was a Boston lady who told me."
Having heard a popular make of motor-car highly spoken of, he entered
the depot with the idea of purchasing one. The selection was soon
made, and the customer expressed himself ready to buy if he could have
a trial trip. That, the salesman explained, was impossible; the cars
were sold on their reputation only. The customer declined to buy
without a trial, and was leaving the store when the chairman of the
company entered, and the situation was explained to him.
The chairman agreed that the salesman's attitude was correct. "But,"
said he, "as I don't like turning money away, I'll take you for a run
in the car myself." The selected car was brought out, the chairman
took the driving wheel, the customer sat alongside him, and the run
began.
For some time she ran beautifully. Then, halfway up a hill, there was
a sudden stoppage, and, do what he would, the driver could not induce
the car to move.
Said the customer: "A jolly good thing I insisted on a trial."
Very red in the face, the chairman left the car, went to the front
and lifted the bonnet to see what was the matter. "Holy smoke!" he
exclaimed. "She's got no engine in her. She's run two miles on nothing
but her reputation."
REST CURE
I wish I was a little rock
On top of yonder hill
A doin' nothin' all day long
But just a settin' still.
I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep
I wouldn't even wash
I'd set and set a thousand years
And rest myself--_By Gosh!_
RESTAURANTS
A gentleman from the rural districts of Missouri recently made his
first visit to New York. Shortly after his arrival he went into a
restaurant and ordered what seemed to him like a rather meager meal.
When the bill was presented it totaled $8.35. The Missourian looked at
the amount twice to make sure his eyes were not deceiving him. Then
he smiled. "Waiter," he called, "you've made a mistake. I've got more
money than that!"
GUEST--"Look here! How long must I wait for the half-portion of duck I
ordered?"
WAITER--"Till somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill
half a duck."
Dr. C----, who was called to the far end of Long Island to extract an
appendix, missed the last train back, stayed over night in a miserable
hotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and cadaverous
country girl. Said she:
"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver."
Said he:
"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!"
"What's yours?"
"Coffee and rolls, my girl."
One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee was pushed
over the counter. The fastidious person seemed dazed. He looked under
the mug and over it.
"But where is the saucer?" he inquired.
"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin'
in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest
trade."
"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" demanded
the waiter in the Central Park restaurant.
"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist.
"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak," explained the
waiter.
CUSTOMER--"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the strike been
settled?"
WAITER--"What strike, sir?"
CUSTOMER--"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you took my
order?"
AFFABLE WAITER--"How did you find that steak, sir?"
GUEST--"Oh, quite accidentally. I moved that piece of potato and there
it was, underneath."
CHAUFFEUR--"Cup of coffee, doughnuts, and some griddle cakes."
WAITRESS--"Cylinder oil, couple of non-skid, and an order of blow-out
patches."
RETALIATION
Even though the war was over, she decided to do her patriotic duty
along the hospitality line. So she called the Army and Navy Club, and
transmitted her invitation through a suave-voiced officer.
"I am Mrs. Humpfree McLeod, 33 First Avenue," she explained, "and I
should like to have two of your men come to dinner with us Sunday at
half-past one."
"Yes. Thank you, Mrs. McLeod."
"But wait--be sure, whatever you do, that they aren't Jews!"
The tone of her voice was emphatic.
Sunday came, bringing two chocolate-colored khaki-clad privates to the
McLeod house. When Mrs. McLeod brushed into the drawing-room to greet
her soldiers, all a-smile, she was surprised, to put it mildly.
"Why!" she stammered. "Why, who invited you here?"
"Our commanding officer," explained one, "Captain Cohen."
One morning Jorkins looked over his fence and said to his neighbor,
Harkins:
"What are you burying in that hole?"
"Just replanting some of my seeds, that's all," was the answer.
"Seeds!" exclaimed Jorkins, angrily. "It looks more like one of my
hens!"
"That's all right," said the other. "The seeds are
inside."--_Harper's_.
"What's coming off out in front there?" asked the proprietor of the
Tote Fair store in Tumlinville, Ark.
"A couple of fellers from Straddle Ridge swapped mules," replied the
clerk, "and now each is accusing the other of skinning him."
"Well, then, why don't they trade back?"
"I reckon they are both afraid of getting skinned again."
MOTHER--"Joan, darling, run and call Fido, will you?"
JOAN--"I don't see how I can, mummy, 'cos I aren't speakin' to Fido
since he broke my doll!"
"It was mighty nice of you to give up your seat to that stout old
lady, Mr. Blinks. It is pleasant to see that there are still some
polite men left in the world."
"Sorry, Mrs. Jabbers, but it wasn't politeness at all. The man who sat
next to me was quarrelsome because he said I crowded him too much,
and all I did was to use that stout old lady as a sort of retort
courteous."--_Judge_. "All sorts and conditions of men have excellent
explanations for their position in life," said the Senator. "A tramp,
however, came under my observation who had no illusions about the
cause of his own condition.
"A fine looking and fashionably dressed woman had just alighted from
her limousine at the hotel entrance, and was suddenly approached by
this shabbily dressed man who requested a dime.
"'No, I have no money to spare for you. I do not see why an
able-bodied man like you should go about begging.'"
"'I s'ppose, ma'am,' replied the lazy tramp, 'it's fer about the same
reason that a healthy woman like you boards at a hotel instead of
keepin' house.'"--_Harper's_.
Apropos of foreign honesty, Dr. Nicholas Butler tells this story:
"On a foreign railroad," he said, "a commuter had a row with the
conductor. At the end of the row the commuter turned to a friend and
said:
"'Well, the P.D.R. will never see another cent of my money after
this.'
"The conductor, who was departing, looked back and snarled:
"'What'll you do? Walk?'
"'Oh, no,' said the commuter, 'I'll stop buying tickets and pay my
fare to you.'"
ROADS
"How are the roads in this section?" "Fine," replied Farmer
Corntossel. "We've abolished bad roads." "Big job, wasn't it?" "Not at
all. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't call it a 'road.'
We call it a 'detour.'"
ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
"One beautiful autumn day," said the teacher, telling a story, "Little
Red Riding Hood was walking along a path in the woods when she came to
a sharp turn; and whom do you think she saw standing there, with a row
of shining white teeth gleaming at her?"
Up went a little hand.
"Who was it, Willie?"
"Mister Roosevelt."
RUINS
An English nobleman was about to set out for India, and, fearing that
in his absence vandals might destroy a picturesque ruin on his estate,
he said to his steward: "I want you to build a wall here"--he drew a
tiny furrow with his stick around the ruin--"a stone wall five feet
high."
On his return home the nobleman started for the spot. When he reached
it he rubbed his eyes in amazement. There was the new stone wall, but
he could see nothing towering up inside of it. He turned excitedly to
his steward:
"Look here, where's the ruin, man?"
"The ruin, my lord?" replied the steward. "Oh, that ould thing! Sure,
I used it to build the wall with."
RUMMAGE SALES
"Oh, John," sobbed Mrs. John, "I've done something awful, and I'm
almost afraid to tell you--but I must! I made a most awful mistake
this morning and sent your new dress suit to the rummage sale instead
of your old one, and when I found out what I had done and ran over to
get it back, it had been sold."
"That's all right, Mabel, dear," said John amiably. "I stopped in at
the sale myself and bought it back for thirty-five cents."
SACRIFICES
"George, where are your school-books?"
"When notices appeared that books were wanted for the wounded, I gave
mine to them."
"But, my dear," said his wife, after he had complained about the food
the new cook had brought in. "You know during these terrible times it
is absolutely necessary that we make great sacrifices."
"Oh, of course, but what I object to is that cook's making hers in the
form of a burnt offering."
SAFETY
Throughout the trial the Englishman, whose crimes had been many and
black, bore himself with an air of complete indifference and received
the sentence of the supreme penalty with a bored yawn. After he had
been led on to the scaffold and just as the hood and noose were about
to be placed over his head, the attendant priest, still persisting
in his attempts to awaken penitence, in spite of the doomed man's
deafness to his prayers, asked him again for a final statement.
The prisoner's gaze wandered to the noose and rested there
meditatively. Suddenly he turned to the priest:
"See here, old chap," he demanded, "is this thing perfectly safe?"
Mark Twain once sat in the smoking room of a steamer and listened
for an hour to some remarkable stories. Then he drawled, "Boys, these
feats of yours that you've been telling about recall an adventure of
my own in Hannibal. There was a fire in Hannibal one night, and Old
Man Hankinson got caught in the fourth story of the burning house. It
looked as if he was a goner. None of the ladders was long enough to
reach him. The crowd stared at one another with awed eyes. Nobody
could think of anything to do.
"Then all of a sudden, boys, an idea occurred to me. 'Fetch a rope!' I
yelled.
"Somebody fetched a rope, and with great presence of mind I flung the
end of it up to the old man. 'Tie her round your waist!' I yelled. Old
Man Hankinson did so, and I pulled him down."
OLD LADY (to motorman on her first drive on an electric car)--"Would
it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?"
MOTORMAN (an Edison man)--"No, mum, not unless you was to put the
other one on the overhead wire."
SALARIES
"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
"Well," said the manager after a moment's thought, "suppose we call it
$5,000 a week?"
"All right."
"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call
it--you will get $500."
Salary--something paid to you for what you do.
Income--something paid to you for what your father did.
"How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?"
"He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger from
monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature isn't so
bad, after all."
SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
"Hey, what did you go and sell them apples fer?"
"Ain't they fer sale?"
"No. Them was the samples we take out to our automobile customers."
"Who," asked the officiating clergyman, formally but impressively,
"gives this bride away?"
"I--I was to," stammered her father, "but I've been a retail salesman
too long to give anything away. Let somebody else do it."
PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (to sales-manager who has advertised for a
salesman)--"I'm answering your ad in today's paper."
SALES MANAGER--"Had much experience?"
PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (confidently)--"Yes, sir. I've sold most
everything in my time."
SALES MANAGER--"Then try selling me your services!" Mr. Babcock was
driving through the country, trying to buy a mule. He was directed to
a colored man who had one for sale.
"Do you want to sell a mule?" asked Babcock.
"Yaas, sah," replied the owner. "May I ask whar yo' live, sah?"
"What has that got to do with it?" queried Babcock.
"Well," explained the negro, "I ain't gwine ter transfer dat mule to
nobody dat lives less dan two hundred miles away from here. When I
sells that mule I wants to git rid not only of de mule, but of all
conversation appertainin' to him."
"Mr. Smith, I represent the Stygian Life Insurance Company. I know
you don't want to talk to me or listen to me; I know you have all the
insurance you feel able to pay for. I am not here to tell you your
chances of dying tonight, or of being hit by an automobile on leaving
this building; neither shall I try to convince you that my company can
offer you anything more than any other well-managed, long-established
concern. I shall not pretend that I am especially interested in your
welfare and wish to do you a service. I am trying to make a living.
Here is a blank application. You do not need to say any of the
commonplaces. Good day, Mr. Smith.
"Ah, you have signed it. Permit me to insert the amount--say $25,000.
Our doctor will call on you tomorrow at 12:01. Thank you, Mr. Smith.
Yes; I am using a new method. The idea came from the Four Minute
speakers. Haven't lost a prospect yet. But my time is up. I shall
deliver your policy in person, but that takes only one minute under
the new system. Good-bye."
"I don't think I'll buy the house, but I've enjoyed the ride out here.
You run a good car."
"Yes, I'm agent for this make. Can I book your order?"
Keep hollering--
There's somebody
Somewhere that'll
Want what you've
Got sometime!
That clerk you all know died and approached the pearly gates.
"Give me a seat in the front row," he demanded of St. Peter.
"Sorry," said the hoary gatekeeper. "Heaven's all sold out, but I can
give you something just as good."
Trade was bad. At the end of another blank day the discouraged
salesman called on another prospective customer and asked to show his
samples.
"No, there is nothing I want today," said the customer,
"But will you just examine my line of goods?" the salesman persisted.
The customer would not.
"Then," said the salesman meekly, "will you let me use a part of your
counter to look at them myself, as I have not had the opportunity for
some time?"
"I want a pair of the best gloves you have," said Mrs. Nuritch at the
glove counter.
"Yes, ma'am," replied the polite salesman. "How long do you want
them?"
"Don't git insultin', young man! I want to buy 'em, not hire 'em."
"How do you manage to sell so many fireless cookers?"
"It's due to my method of approach," said the smart salesman. "I begin
my little talk by saying, 'Madam, I have called to enable you to spend
every afternoon at the movies.'"
NEW MAN ON THE ROAD--"What is the best time for me to see the head of
this firm I'm working for, boy?"
OFFICE BOY--"Between the time he gets your sales-account and the time
he gets your expense-account."--_Puck_.
_"Orders Is Orders"_
One of the traveling salesmen breezed back from a short trip.
"How's business?" grunted the manufacturer.
"Fine," beamed the agent.
Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars.
"How fine?"
"Got two good orders," the agent said.
"Ah-ha," grinned the boss. "Who were they from?"
"One," came the reply, "was from Mr.---- of---- &---- who ordered me
to 'Get out,' and the other was from his partner who ordered me to
'Stay out.'"
_See also_ Booksellers and bookselling; Mistakes.
SALVATION
An evangelist was exhorting his hearers to flee from the wrath to
come. "I warn you," he thundered, "there will be weeping and wailing
and gnashing of teeth."
At this point an old woman of the congregation stood up.
"Sir, I have no teeth."
"Madam," returned the preacher sternly, "teeth will be provided."
SAVING
SON--"Dad, what is a savings account?"
FATHER--"A savings account is that part of a man's income which the
government takes after permitting him to pay for the necessities of
life."
_See also_ Economy; Thrift.
SCANDAL
"Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree looked
up, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed up."--_Life_.
Believe that story false that ought not to be true.--_Sheridan_.
Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,
Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike;
Alike reserv'd to blame, or to commend,
A tim'rous foe, and a suspicious friend.
--_Pope_.
The scandal of the world is what makes the offence; it is not sinful
to sin in silence.--_Molière_.
SCHOLARSHIP
"What's the matter? You look thoughtful."
"My six-year-old son brought home a list of questions to answer."
"What of that?"
"My average ranks me as a deficient kid."
"Is my son getting well grounded in the classics?" asked the
millionaire.
"I would put it even stronger than that," replied the private tutor.
"I may say that he is actually stranded on them."
"Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you to
keep as far away from him as you possibly can."
"I do, mother. He stays at the head of the class most of the time."
_See also_ College students.
SCHOOLS
A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country
schoolhouse. "This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. "What's
yer bill o'fare?"
"Our curriculum, sir," corrected the schoolmaster, "embraces
geography, arithmetic, trigonometry--"
"That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up well
with triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the family."
There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboy
who is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions.
CRABSHAW--"Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you're
so young?"
WILLIE--"It's this way, dad. School is going to be a tough place for
the next few years. We'll have a new map of Europe to study, and if we
fall down on it the teacher is likely to give us the Constitution of
the League of Nations to learn by heart."
MAMMA--"How do you feel this morning, Robert? Are you able to sit up?"
ROBERT--"I feel awful bad. Don't think I could stand on my feet."
MAMMA--"Well, I hope you will be able to go to school Monday. This is
Saturday--"
ROBERT (jumping out of bed)--"Saturday! Gee! I thought it was Friday!"
SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
EFFICIENCY EXPERT--"I am very gratified to see how many new men you
have taken on since I installed my system."
"Yes, I hired 'em to take care of the system."--_Judge_.
SCOTCH, THE
An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in reminiscences
of sporting occasions.
"The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race," deposed the
Englishman, "in which one of the boats that had been recently painted
won by the breadth of the coat of paint."
"The closest race I ever saw," declared the Scotchman, "was one in
which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the swelling of
his nose."
"The closest race I ever saw," said the Irishman, "is the Scotch."
Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one evening
noticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a penny-in-the-slot
machine that refused to deliver his purchase or to return the penny.
The next morning on passing the same spot they saw the poor man dead
beside the slot machine.
Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing away merrily
at their pipes.
"There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy," said Donald.
"Hoo dae ye mak' that oot?" questioned Sandy.
"Weel," said Donald, "ye see, if ye're smokin' yer ain bacca ye're
thinkin' o' the awfu' expense, an' if ye're smokin' some ither body's,
yer pipe's ramm't sae tight it winna draw."
A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch
whisky. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along
came a Ford which he did not side-step quite in time. It threw him
down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.
Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his
leg.
"Oh, God," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"
During the fighting a Highlander had the misfortune to get his head
blown off.
A comrade communicated the sad news to another gallant Scot, who
asked, anxiously:
"Where's his head? He was smoking ma pipe."
A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal, stopped for a moment
to examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing store, when the
proprietor asked him if he would not try on a coat.
"I dinna ken but I wad," responded the emigrant, consulting his watch;
and he went in and set to work. No matter how often he found a fit,
he tried on another and another till he tried on about thirty. Then,
again looking at his watch, he resumed his own garment and walked off
saying:
"Weel, I've lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that'll no'
obleege anither when he can!"
Three Scotchmen were in church one Sunday morning when the minister
made a strong appeal for some very worthy cause, hoping that every one
in the congregation would give at least one dollar or more. The three
Scots became very nervous as the collection plate neared them, when
one of them fainted and the other two carried him out.
Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution.
Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host
knew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In the
midst of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of the
company, bidding each a profound farewell.
"But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not going yet, with the
evenin' just started?"
"Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin'
ye good-night while I know ye all."