And prunes in a package, and apricots canned,
Two gallons of coal-oil, a half pound of toffee,
And still held some change, when I left, in my hand.
The big iron dollar
The good, honest dollar,
The hundred-cent dollar
I clutched in my hand.
But now, though accustomed to buying far closer,
Whenever in markets or stores I appear
To lay in provisions, the butcher or grocer
Will glance at my dollar and quietly sneer.
At the tail of a line of more affluent buyers
Awaiting my turn I must patiently stand,
For no one, as far as I gather, desires
The pitiful dollar I hold in my hand.
The poor little dollar,
The cheap, little dollar,
The fifty-cent dollar,
I hold in my hand!
"The amount of money a fellow's father has doesn't seem to cut much
figure here."
"No, it's the amount of the father's money the son has."
"They say money talks."
"Well?"
"I wonder how that idea originated?"
"Have you never noticed the lady on the dollar?"
A medical paper advances the theory that "man is slightly taller in
the morning than he is in the evening." We have never tested this, but
we have certainly noticed a tendency to become "short" toward the end
of the month.
_See also_ Domestic finance.
MONEY LENDER
A teacher of English in one of our colleges describes a money-lender
as follows:
"He serves you in the present tense, lends in the conditional mood,
keeps you in the subjective, and ruins you in the future."
MORAL EDUCATION
The kindergarten teacher recited to her pupils the story of the wolf
and the lamb. As she completed it she said:
"Now, children, you see that the lamb would not have been eaten by the
wolf if he had been good and sensible."
One little boy raised his hand.
"Well, John," asked the teacher, "what is it?"
"If the lamb had been good and sensible," said the little boy,
gravely, "we should have had him to eat, wouldn't we?"
MOSQUITOES
"You told me you hadn't any mosquitoes," said the summer boarder,
reproachfully.
"I hadn't," replied Farmer Corntossel. "Them you see floatin' around
come from Si Perkins's place. They ain't mine."
Two Irishmen, on a sultry night, took refuge under the bedclothes
from a party of mosquitoes. At last one of them, gasping from heat,
ventured to peep beyond the bulwarks, and espied a fire-fly which had
strayed into the room. Arousing his companion with a punch, he said:
"Furgus! Furgus! it's no use; you might as well come out; here's one
of the craythers searching for us wid a lantern."
MOTHERS
Answers to the question "what is Mother?" given by supposedly
feeble-minded school children of New York:
She's what you chop wood for.
She's what feeds you.
She's what put clothes and shoes on you.
She keeps care of you.
She's who's good to you.
She's your creator.
She's what's dead on to me.
Best composite portrait of a mother ever painted.
_Mother_
She loves me in spite of my faults;
She overlooks my mistakes;
She rejoices at my success;
She weeps over my failure;
She urges me on to higher endeavor,
And her confidence in my ability
Brings out the best that is in me.
Her love has been the crowning blessing of my life;
Here's to MOTHER.
--_Hathaway_.--
The mother, in her office, holds the key
Of the soul; and she it is who stamps the coin
Of character, and makes the being who would be a savage,
But for her gentle cares, a Christian man,
Then crown her Queen o' the world.
"An ounce of mother," says the Spanish proverb, "is worth a pound of
clergy."--_T. W. Higginson_.
Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of little
children.--_Thackeray_.
MOTHERS' DAY
These "days" for doing things that you ought to do any day are getting
so numerous as to lead to curious ethical conflicts. A boy in Sabetha,
Kansas, was taken to task for missing Sunday school one Sunday. "I
wanted to come," he said, "but Sunday was Mothers' Day and mother
wanted me to go fishing with her, so I went."
MOTHERS-IN-LAW
The lady bather had got into a hole and she couldn't swim. Nor could
the young man on the end of the pier; but when she came up for the
first time and he caught sight of her face, he could shriek, and he
did. He shrieked:
"Help!"
A burly fisherman sauntered to his side.
"Wot's up?" he asked.
"There!" hoarsely cried the young man. "My wife! Drowning! I can't
swim! A hundred dollars for you if you can save her."
In a moment the burly fisherman was in the sea. In another he was
out of it, with the rescued lady bather. Thanking his lucky stars, he
approached the young man again.
"Well, what about the hundred bones?" he asked.
But if the young man's face had been ashen gray before, now it was
dead white, as he gazed upon the features of the recovered dame.
"Y-e-s, I know!" he gasped. "But when I made the offer I thought it
was my wife who was drowning; and now--now it turns out it was my
wife's mother!"
The burly fisherman pulled a long face. "Just my luck!" he muttered,
thrusting his hand into his trousers pocket. "How much do I owe you?"
"Is your wife's mother enjoying her trip to the mountains?" "I'm
afraid not. She's found something at last that she can't walk over."
MOVING PICTURES
A recent movie comedy showed on the screen a bevy of shapely girls
disrobing for a plunge in the "old swimming-pool." They had just taken
off shoes, hats, coats and were beginning on--a passing freight-train
dashed across the screen and obscured the view. When it had passed,
the girls were frolicking in the water.
An old railroader sat through the show again and again. At length an
usher tapped him on the shoulder.
"Aren't you ever going home?" he asked.
"Oh, I'll wait a while," was the answer. "One of these times that
train's going to be late."
"Didn't anybody criticise you for filming an automobile in ancient
Babylon?"
"No. But I had a dozen letters calling my attention to the fact that
the car showed a California license tag."
Moving day comes on May 1st, but every day in the year is movie day.
SLAPSTICK DIRECTOR--"Can't you suggest a novel from which we could
adapt a comedy?"
COMEDIAN--"My memory isn't very accurate, but isn't there a book
called 'Alice Threw the Looking-glass'?"
MOVIE OPERATOR--"What shall I do with this film? There is a tear in it
that cuts right through the hero's nose!"
CLEVER MANAGER--"Ha! just the thing! Bill it as a feature in two
parts."
PROMOTER--"I have here a scheme for revamping old films."
MANAGER--"Beat it! I'm too busy refilming old vamps."
An old couple from the country wandered into a moving picture show in
town. As they entered a cow-boy picture was being shown.
The old lady laid a restraining hand on her husband's arm.
"Bill," she said, "let's not go too far down in front; the dust those
horses are kickin' up is somethin' awful. My clothes'll be ruined!"
"Here's another book on _How to Get into the Movies_."
"Why on earth doesn't somebody write a book on how to get a seat after
you do get in?"
Mr. and Mrs. Todd were debating whether the movie they had just seen
was a new or old production.
"The leading woman wore two or three gowns that are very much in
vogue," Mrs. Todd reminded her husband.
He remained firm, however.
"There wasn't any excitement when the cocktails were served," he said.
"I can," said the bashful young man to the director of the film
company, "swim, dive, run an auto, fly an aeroplane, fence, box,
shoot, ride a horse, run a motor-boat, play golf, fight, make love,
fall off cliffs, rescue heroines, play football, die naturally, and
kiss a girl."
"But," interrupted the famous director, "can you _act_?"
"Alas!" muttered the would-be screen hero, "I never thought of
_that_."
"Engaged," growled the director, and another screen star was
born.--_Life_.
_See also_ Actors and actresses; Advertising; Signs.
MULES
"Is you gwine ter let dat mewel do as he pleases?" asked Uncle
Ephraim's wife.
"Wha's you will-power?"
"My will-power's all right" he answered "You jes' want ter come out
hyar an' measure dis mewel's won't power."
Somewhere in France a tall negro dough-boy was trying to pull to his
feet a mule who persisted obstinately in sitting down. The darkey
tugged and strained but the mule remained obdurate. Finally the man
desisted and glaring at the mule, remarked "As you were, mule, as you
were."
"What's become of your chauffeur?"
"Oh, he was with the regiment down in Texas and crawled under an army
mule to see why it wouldn't go."
"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "put in der lives kickin' at nothin'.
Bar's dis much to be said foh de mule. If he's interested enough to
kick, he's willin' to go to de trouble of takin' aim."
"_Love's Labor Lost_"
Luke had been sent to the store with the mule and wagon. What happened
is told in Luke's end of the conversation over the telephone from the
store.
"Gimme seb'n-'leben.
"Gimme dat number quick, please 'm.
"Dis yer's Luke, suh.
"Dis yer's Luke, I say, suh.
"I tuk de wagon to de sto' fo dat truck.
"Yas, suh, I'm at de sto'.
"Dat mule, she balk, suh.
"She's balkin' in de big road, near de sto'.
"No, suh, she ain' move.
"No, suh, I don' think she's gwine move.
"Yas, suh, I beat 'er.
"I did beat 'er good.
"She's jes' r'ar a li'l bit, suh.
"Yas, suh, she kick, too.
"She jes' bus' de whiffletree li'l bit, suh.
"No, suh, dat mule won't lead.
"Yas, suh, I tried it.
"No, suh, jes' bit _at_ me.
"No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs.
"I tickle um las' year, suh, once.
"Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail.
"No, suh, I ain' done it.
"Who done it?
"I t'ink he's li'l travelin' man f'um Boston, suh. He twis' 'er tail.
_"Yas, suh! She sho' did!_
"Right spang in de face, suh.
"Dey's got 'im at de sto'.
"Dey say he's comin' to, suh.
"I don' know--he do look mighty sleepy to me, suh.
"Yas, suh, we tried dat.
"Yas, suh, we built a fire under 'er.
"No, suh, dat ain' make 'er go.
"She jes' move up li'l bit, suh.
"Yas, suh, de wagon bu'n right up. Dat's whut I'm telephonin' yu
'bout--to ast yu please sen' a wagon to hitch up to dis yer mule. She
ain' gwine budge lessen she's hitched up. Good-by, suh."
Ephum Johnson was up before Judge Shimmerplate on a cruelty to animals
charge.
"Deed Ah wasn't abusing dat mule, judge," the old man demurred.
"Did you not strike it repeatedly with a club?"
"Yassah."
"And do you not know that you can accomplish more with animals by
speaking to them?"
"Yassah; but this critter am different. He am so deef he can't hear
me when Ah speaks to him in de usual way, so Ah has to communicate wid
him in de sign language."
On mules we find two legs behind
And two we find before;
We stand behind before we find
What the two behind stand for!
A teacher was instructing a class in English and called on a small boy
named Jimmy Brown.
"James," she said, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule if
he wants to.'"
"Now," continued the teacher when Jimmy had finished writing, "can you
find a better form for that sentence?"
"Yes, ma'am, I think I can," was the prompt answer. "'Richard can ride
the mule if the mule wants him to.'"
A mule-skinner in France was trying to drive a mule, with a wagon
load, through a hospital gate. The mule would do anything but pass
through the gate.
"Want any 'elp, chum?" shouted one of the hospital orderlies.
"No," replied the driver; "but I'd like to know how Noah got two of
these blighters into the Ark!"
"Why don't you get rid of that mule?" asked one Virginia darky of
another.
"Well, yo' see, Jim," replied the other, "I hates to give in. Ef I was
to trade dat mule off he'd regard it as a pussunal victory. He's been
tryin' fo' de last six weeks to get rid of me."
MUSHROOMS
Johnny Jones, you know, was studying botany, and he declared that he
had an infallible way to tell the difference between mushrooms and
toadstools.
"When you git vi'lent spasms," said little Johnny, "with cramps,
swelling of the feet and partial loss of vision ending in insanity and
death--then it ain't mushrooms."
MUSIC
HE--"Most girls, I have found, don't appreciate real music."
SECOND HE--"Why do you say that?"
HE--"Well, you may pick beautiful strains on a mandolin for an hour,
and she won't even look out of the window, but just one honk of a horn
and--out she comes!"
Music is the language of the soul; jazz is its profanity.
"How do you sell your music?"
"We sell piano music by the pound and organ music by the choir."
"Samantha, what's thet chune the orchestry's a-playin' now?"
"The program says its 'Choppin', Hiram."
"Waal--mebbe--but ter me it sounds a deal more like sawin'."
While Chopin probably did not time his "Minute Waltz" to exactly
sixty seconds, some auditors insist that it lives up to its name. Mme.
Theodora Surkow-Ryder on one of her tours played the "Minute Waltz"
as an encore, first telling her audience what it was. Thereupon a huge
man in a large riding suit took out an immense silver watch, held it
open almost under her nose, and gravely proceeded to time her. The
pianist's fingers flew along the keys, and her anxiety was rewarded
when the man closed the watch with a loud slap and said in a booming
voice: "Gosh! She's done it."
MRS. NEWRICHE--"I believe our next-door neighbors on the right are as
poor as church mice, Hiram."
MR. NEWRICHE--"What makes you think so?"
MRS. NEWRICHE--"Why, they can't afford one of them mechanical
piano-players; the daughter is taking lessons by hand."--_Puck_.
MUSICIANS
"Excuse me," said the detective as he presented himself at the door
of the music academy, "but I hope you'll give me what information you
have, and not make any fuss."
"What do you mean?" was the indignant inquiry.
"Why, you see, we got a tip from the house next door that somebody
was murdering Wagner, and the chief sent me down here to work on the
case."
Pianist Rachmaninoff told in his New York flat the other day a story
about his boyhood.
"When I was a very little fellow," he said, "I played at a reception
at a Russian count's, and, for an urchin of seven, I flatter
myself that I swung through Beethoven's 'Kreutzer Sonata' pretty
successfully.
"The 'Kreutzer,' you know, has in it several long and impressive
rests. Well, in one of these rests the count's wife, a motherly old
lady, leaned forward, patted me on the shoulder, and said:
"'Play us something you know, dear.'"
There was nobody who could play the violin like Smifkins--at least so
he thought--and he was delighted when he was asked to play at a local
function.
"Sir," he said to the host, "the instrument I shall use at your
gathering is over two hundred years old."
"Oh, that's all right! Never mind," returned the host; "no one will
ever know the difference."
MUSICAL STUDENT--"That piece you just played is by Mozart, isn't it?"
HURDY-GURDY MAN--"No, by Handel."
When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Boston
suburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called:
"Shine?"
The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streaked
with grime and said:
"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you a
quarter."
"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboring
trough and made his ablutions.
When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy took
but immediately handed back, saying:
"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut."
NAMES, PERSONAL
"Why do you call the baby Bill?"
"He was born on the first of the month."
In an Ohio town is a colored man whose last name is Washington.
Heaven has blest him with three sons.
When the first son arrived the father named him George Washington.
In due time the second son came. Naturally he was christened Booker
Washington. When the third man child was born his parent was at a
loss, at first, for a name for him. Finally tho, he hit on a suitable
selection.
The third son, if he lives, will go through life as Spokane
Washington.
Aunt Lindy had brought around her three grandchildren for her mistress
to see. The three little darkies, in calico smocks, stood squirming in
line while Lindy proudly surveyed them.
"What are their names, Lindy?" her mistress asked.
"Dey's name' after flowers, ma'am. Ah name' 'em. De bigges' one's
name' Gladiola. De nex' one, she name' Heliotrope."
"Those are very pretty," her mistress said. "What is the littlest one
named?"
"She name' Artuhficial, ma'am."
William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most fine given
names were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin and a shame. "I
myself," he said, "am one of six brothers. We were all given good,
old-fashioned Christian names, but all those names were shortened into
meaningless or feeble monosyllables by our friends. I shall name my
children so that it will be impracticable to curtail their names."
The Williams family, in the course of time, was blessed with five
children, all boys. The eldest was named after the father--William.
Of course, that would be shortened to "Will" or enfeebled to
"Willie"--but wait! A second son came and was christened Willard.
"Aha!" chuckled Mr. Williams. "Now everybody will have to speak the
full names of each of these boys in order to distinguish them."
In pursuance of this scheme the next three sons were named Wilbert,
Wilfred, and Wilmont.
They are all big boys now. And they are respectively known to their
intimates as Bill, Skinny, Butch, Chuck, and Kid.
Aunt Liza's former mistress was talking to her one morning, when
suddenly she discovered a little pickaninny standing shyly behind his
mother's skirts. "Is this your little boy, Aunt Liza?" she asked.
"Yes, miss; dat's Prescription."
"Goodness, what a funny name, auntie, for a child! How in the world
did you happen to call him that?"
"Ah simply calls him dat becuz Ah has sech hahd wuk gettin' him
filled."
BREATHLESS VISITOR--"Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones--"
DOCTOR--"No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that."
A chauffeur had applied for a position with a new-rich family
which aspired to be considered "top-notch" socially, and was being
interviewed by the mistress of the house.
"We call all our servants by their last names," she announced. "What
is your last name?"
"You had best call me Thomas, ma'am," replied the applicant.
"No, we insist that you be willing to be called by your last name.
Otherwise you won't do at all."
"Oh, I'm willing, ma'am, but I don't think the family would like to
use it."
"What is your last name then?" said his prospective employer, somewhat
coldly and as though she expected a revelation of international
scandal.
"Darling, ma'am--Thomas Darling."
A little colored girl, a newcomer in Sunday-school, gave her name
to the teacher as "Fertilizer Johnson." Later the teacher asked the
child's mother if that was right.
"Yes, ma'am, dat's her name," said the fond parent. "You see, she was
named fer me and her father. Her father's name am Ferdinand and my
name is Liza. So we named her Fertilizer."
LITTLE JOHNNY--"Dad, there's a girl at our school whom we call
Postscript."
DAD--"Postscript? What do you call her Postscript for?"
LITTLE JOHNNY--"Cos her name is Adeline Moore."
GRIGGS--"When I don't catch the name of the person I've been
introduced to, I ask if it's spelled with an 'e' or an 'i.' It
generally works, too."
BRIGGS--"I used to try that dodge myself until I was introduced to a
young lady at a party. When I put the question about the 'e' or 'i,'
she flushed angrily and wouldn't speak to me the whole evening."
"What was her name?"
"I found out later it was--Hill."
FIRST LITTLE GIRL--"What's your last name, Annie?"
SECOND LITTLE GIRL--"Don't know yet; I ain't married."
"Spell your name!" said the court clerk sharply. The witness began: "O
double T, I, double U, E, double L, double--"
"Begin again! begin again!" ordered the clerk.
The witness repeated: "O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double
U, double O--"
"Your honor," roared the clerk, "I beg that this man be committed for
contempt of court!"
"What is your name?" asked the judge.
"My name, your honor, is Ottiwell Wood, and I spell it O, double T, I,
double U, E, double L, double U, double O, D."--_Literary Digest_.
"Is Mr. Smith in the audience?" broke forth the presiding officer. "I
am informed that his house is afire."
Forty men sprang to their feet.
"It is the house of Mr. John Smith," added the chairman.
"Thank goodness!" fervently exclaimed one man, resuming his
seat.--_Everybody's_.
NATIONALITY
"But are you an American citizen?" angrily demanded the official at
the passport office.
"My mother was American"--began the applicant.
"Yes, yes"--
"But she married a Frenchman"--
"Yes."
"In Italy."
"Yes; but where were you born?"
"I was born on a ship flying Spanish colors while she was lying at
anchor in Honolulu Harbor, but my parents died in Brazil when I was
only four years old and I was adopted by a Chinaman, who brought me up
in Russia"--
"Well, he's"--began an official.
"He's a bloomin' League of Nations!" exploded the official who had
first spoken.
NATURAL LAWS
CHARLIE--"What you say just goes in one ear and out the other."
JOHNNY--"Impossible!"
"Why?"
"Sound can't cross a vacuum, you know, old fellow."
"Say, dad, what keeps us from falling off the earth when we are upside
down?"
"Why, the law of gravity, of course."
"Well, how did folks stay on before the law was passed?"
NEGROES
Miss Annette Benton, on returning from a visit, brought a gift to each
of her mother's colored servants. It was the "day out" for Lily, the
housemaid, so Annette distributed her gifts, reserving for Lily a
scarlet-silk blouse.
"That won't do," said Mrs. Benton. "Lily's in mourning."
"Mourning?"
"Yes, for her husband; he died in jail, and Lily's wearing a long
crape veil."
When Lily returned, her young mistress expressed regret. "I'll give
the blouse to Lizzie," she said, "and get you something else."
Lily looked at the blouse, then she swallowed. "Don't you give that
blouse to no Lizzie, Miss Annette, cos nex' mont' I'se gwine outa
mournin' from the waist up."--_Harper's_.
"G'wan, nigger, you-all ain't got no sense nohow."
"Ain't got no sense? Whut's dis yere haid for?"
"Dat thing? Dat ain't no haid, nigger; dat's jes er button on top er
yo body ter keep yer backbone from unravelin'."
OLD DARKY (to shiftless son)--"I hearn tell you is married. Is you?"
SON (ingratiatingly)--"I ain't sayin' I ain't."
OLD DARKY (severely)--"I ain't ask you is you ain't; I ask you ain't
you is."
PARSON BLACK (sternly)--"Did you come by dat watehmelyun honestly,
Bruddeh Bingy?"
THE MELON TOTER--"'Deed I did, pahson; ebry day fo' nigh on two
weeks!"--_Puck_.
A Minneapolis laundress, a negro woman, patriotic supporter of the Red
Cross, was among the thousands who witnessed a recent Red Cross
parade in the Mill City in which fifteen thousand white-clad women
participated. In telling a Red Cross worker how she liked it, she
said:
"Lawdy, missus, it suttinly was a gran' spectacle. Nevah in mah whole
life did I see so much washin' at one time."
"Why is it, Sam, that one never hears of a darky committing suicide?"
inquired the Northerner.
"Well, you see, it's disaway, boss: When a white pusson has any
trouble he sets down an' gits to studyin' 'bout it an' a-worryin'.
Then firs' thing you know he's done killed hisse'f. But when a nigger
sets down to think 'bout his troubles, why, he jes' natcherly goes to
sleep!"--_Life_.
"No, sah," said the aged colored man to the reporter who'd asked if
he had ever seen President Lincoln. "Ah used to 'member seein' Massa
Linkum, but since Ah j'ined de church Ah doan 'member seein' him no
mo'."
A Psychiatric Board was testing the mentality of a thick-lipped,
weak-faced Negro soldier. Among other questions, the specialist asked,
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking,
or where the sound comes from?"
"Yes, suh," answered the negro.
"When does this occur?"
"When I'se talkin' over de telephone."
An Alabama darky, who prided himself on being able to play any tune on
the banjo after he had heard it once, perched himself on the side of
a hill one Sunday morning and began to pick the strings in a
workman-like manner.
It chanced that the minister came along. Going up to Moses, he
demanded harshly, "Moses, do you know the Ten Commandments?"
Moses scratched his chin for a moment, and then, in an equally harsh
voice, said:
"Parson, yo' don't think yo' kin beat me do yo'? Jest yo' whistle the
first three or four bars, an' I'll have a try at it."--_Harper's_.