enter the cottage. As soon as he had opened the door a broomstick fell
upon his shoulders and a woman's voice shrieked:
"Back here again, are you, you old rascal! Clear out with you, or
I'll--"
The statesman retired precipitately. The cottager sat in the road
shaking his head in sorrow and embarrassment. The statesman bent over
him, and laid his hand in kindly fashion on his arm.
"Never mind, Henry," said he, consolingly, "my chimney smokes
sometimes, too."--_Harper's_.
NODD--"Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home to dinner with
you?"
TODD--"Knows! Well, rather! Why, my dear fellow, I argued with her
about it this morning for nearly half an hour."--_Life_.
A recent experience of a Virginia clergyman throws light on the old
English law requiring that marriages should be celebrated before noon.
A colored couple appeared before him, asking to be married, the man in
a considerably muddled state. The minister said to the woman, "I won't
perform this ceremony."
"Why is dat, boss?" she queried. "Ain't de license all right? An' we
is of age."
"Yes, but the man is drunk. Take him away and come back again."
Several days later the couple again presented themselves, the man once
more obviously intoxicated. "See here, I told you I wouldn't marry you
when this man was drunk," the minister said testily. "Don't you come
back here till he's sober."
"Well, you see, suh," the woman replied apologetically, "de trufe is
dat he won't come less'n he's lit up."
"Well," cried Mrs. Henpeck, "our son is engaged to be married. We will
write to the dear lad and congratulate him."
Mr. Henpeck agreed (he dare not do otherwise), and his wife picked up
the pen.
"My darling boy," read the son; "what glorious news! Your father and I
rejoice in your happiness. It has long been our greatest wish that you
should marry some good woman. A good woman is Heaven's most precious
gift to man. She brings out all the best in him and helps him to
suppress all that is evil."
Then there was a postscript in a different handwriting:
"Your mother has gone for a stamp. Keep single, you young
noodle."--_Judge_.
"Women always have and always will keep men guessing," declares the
Wathena (Kan.) Times. "A Wathena merchant employed a homely girl
because he thought he could keep her. Within a few months a young man
married her for the same reason."
A prominent New York débutante recently ordered "four seats on the
aisle" at the theater. When her party arrived at the performance, they
were surprised to find themselves arranged in a column instead of a
row. Nothing daunted, the débutante turned to a bored, middle-aged
man next to her. Surely he would not mind changing with her friend in
front.
"I beg your pardon," she said politely.
No reply. He must be deaf.
"I beg your pardon," she repeated louder.
Still no reply.
"I beg your pardon," she said, bumping his elbow.
He took out a pencil and wrote on his program:
"That's my wife on the other side of me. Safety first."
Man puts up with marriage in order to get a certain girl--a girl puts
up with a certain man in order to get married.
In the old days man used to marry woman for a dot--now he marries her
for a period.
Marriage may be likened to a subscription to a favorite magazine--it
is something that should be renewed each year if it is not to expire.
A married woman said to her husband: "You have never taken me to the
cemetery."
"No, dear," replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet in
anticipation."
A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing glimpses of
a soiled pink silk shirt, with a rubber collar, approached and in
confiding tones asked for a book for a "widow past 50 who is thinking
of getting married." The assistant proceeded to inquire as to what
kind of a story he thought she might like. "Oh," he said, "what I want
is a story that will kind o' cheer her up."
_See also_ Domestic finance; Husbands; Leap year.
MASCOTS
"Does a rabbit's foot really bring good luck?"
"I should say so. My wife felt one in my money pocket once and thought
it was a mouse."
MATHEMATICS
_See_ Arithmetic.
MATRIMONY
_See_ Marriage.
MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
A two-foot rule was given to a laborer in a Clyde boat-yard to measure
an iron plate. The laborer not being well up in the use of the rule,
after spending considerable time, returned.
"Now, Mick," asked the plater, "what size is the plate?"
"Well," replied Mick, with a grin of satisfaction, "it's the length
of your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of brick and
the breadth of my hand and my arm from here to there, bar a
finger."--_Everybody's_.
MEDALS
A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a
very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down.
Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that
medal for eating, my man?"
On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the
deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"
MEDICAL ETHICS
Not so very long ago a certain attorney was quite ill. A doctor was
summoned, but directly he arrived and got one look at his patient he
said, "Sorry, but you'll have to call another doctor."
"Am I as sick as all that?" gasped the attorney.
"No, but you're the lawyer that cross-examined me when I was called
to give expert testimony in a certain case. Now my conscience won't
permit me to kill you, but I'm darned if I care to cure you. Good
day."
MEDICINE
DOCTOR--"What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat something before going
to bed."
PATIENT--"Why doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before
going to bed."
DOCTOR (with dignity)--"Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science has
made enormous strides since then."
GIRL (to druggist)--"Could you fix me a dose of castor oil so as the
oil won't taste?"
DRUGGIST--"Certainly! Won't you have a glass of soda while waiting?"
(She drinks the soda.)
DRUGGIST--"Something else, miss?"
GIRL--"No, just the oil."
DRUGGIST--"But you have just drank it."
GIRL--"Oh! It was for my mother."
"Are you of the opinion, James," asked a slim-looking man of his
companion, "that Dr. Smith's medicine does any good?"
"Not unless you follow the directions."
"What are the directions?"
"Keep the bottle tightly corked."
MEMORY
Most of us forget to remember; it is harder, far, to remember to
forget. And the more one endeavors to forget, the more memory insists.
"So you really think your memory is improving under treatment. You
remember things now?"
"Well, not exactly, but I have progressed so far that I can frequently
remember that I have forgotten something, if I could only remember
what it is."
A school-teacher who had been telling a class of small pupils the
story of discovery of America by Columbus, ended it with: "And all
this happened more than six hundred years ago."
A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said, after a moment's
thought: "Gee, what a memory you've got!"
_A Thing Forgotten_
White owl is not gloomy;
Black bat is not sad.
It is only that each has forgotten
Something he used to remember:
Black bat goes searching ... searching....
White owl says over and over
Who? What? Where?
WALTER--"Mr. Smith's left his umbrella again. I do believe he would
leave his head if it were loose."
ROBINSON--"I dare say you're right. I heard him say only yesterday he
was going to Switzerland for his lungs."
Rose, the garrulous domestic, can give you facts of
history--international, dramatic, scandalous--right off the bat
without a moment's hesitation.
"How do you manage to remember all these things, Rose?" inquired her
employer the other day.
Then Rose came back with the infallible rule for memory training.
"I'll tell ye, ma'am," says she. "All me life never a lie I've told.
And when ye don't have to be taxin' yer memory to be rememberin' what
ye told this one or that one, or how ye explained this or that, ye
don't overwork it and it lasts ye, good as new, forever."
"What brought you here, my man?" asked the prison visitor.
"Just plain absent-mindedness," replied the prisoner.
"Why, how could that be?"
"I forgot to change the engine number of the car before I sold it."
MEN
"Daughter," said the father, "your young man, Rawlings, stays until a
very late hour. Has not your mother said something to you about this
habit of his?"
"Yes, father," replied the daughter sweetly. "Mother says men haven't
altered a bit."
All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable,
those that are movable, and those that move.--_Arabian proverb_.
For every woman who makes a fool out of a man there is another woman
who makes a man out of a fool.
The ideal man is as numerous as there are women to describe him.
If a woman is an hour late in returning home, and her husband is
worried, she is flattered. If a man is three hours late he is angry if
anyone is worried.
He was fond of playing jokes on his wife, and this time he thought he
had a winner.
"My dear," he said, as they sat at supper, "I just heard such a sad
story of a young girl today. They thought she was going blind, and so
a surgeon operated on her and found--"
"Yes?" gasped the wife breathlessly.
"That she'd got a young man in her eye!" ended the husband, with a
chuckle.
For a moment there was silence. Then the lady remarked, slowly:
"Well, it would all depend on what sort of a man it was. Some of them
she could have seen through easily enough."
A little girl wrote the following composition on men:
"Men are what women marry. They drink and smoke and swear, but don't
go to church. Perhaps if they wore bonnets they would. They are more
logical than women, also more zoological. Both men and women sprang
from monkeys, but the women sprang farther than the men."
_Essay on Man_
At ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
At thirty, tame, if ever;
At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
At sixty, good, or never!
_See also_ Husbands.
METHODISTS
He came of good Methodist stock and they were telling him about the
disciples. They told him quite a lot about them, and somehow he didn't
seem quite satisfied.
At last he voiced his trouble:
"But were they all Disciples? Weren't there _any_ Methodists?"
MIDDLEMAN
"The first shall be last and the last shall be first," quoted the
devout citizen.
"It makes no difference to me how you arrange 'em," replied the expert
commercialist. "I'll get mine either way. I'm the middleman."
"Pop!"
"Yes, my son."
"What is a gardener?"
"A gardener is a man who raises a few things, my boy."
"And what is a farmer?"
"A man who raises a lot of things."
"Well, what is a middleman, Pop?"
"Why, he's a fellow who raises everything, my son."
MILITARISM
VILLAGE PACIFIST (as the Salvation Army passes)--"Oh, it's all right.
I ain't sayin' 'taint. But it's fosterin' th' martial speerit jes' th'
same."--_Judge_.
MILITARY DISCIPLINE
A colored gentleman was walking post for the first time in his life. A
dark form approached him.
"Halt!" he cried in a threatening tone. "Who are you?"
"The officer of the day."
"Advance!"
The O.D. advanced, but before he had proceeded half a dozen steps the
dusky sentinel again cried, "Halt!"
"This is the second time you have halted me," observed the O.D. "What
are you going to do next?"
"Never you mind what Ah's gonna do. Mah orders are to call 'Halt!'
three times, den shoot."
At twelve the other night one of our aviators who had liberty
until ten-thirty was "hot-footin'" it back from a hop harbor in a
neighboring ville. He passed the tracks, the "Y," and then started on
the double past the sentry at the gate.
"Halt!" commanded the sentry.
"Halt nothin'," yelled the gob; "I'm two hours late now."
The railings of a big transport on its way to France were lined with
very new soldiers when a massive gob hurried by, bent upon some urgent
duty.
"Gangway! Gangway!" he shouted as he passed along the deck.
"Gee, that guy'll catch hell when they find him," murmured one of the
recruits. "They been hollerin' for him all mornin.'"
"Hollerin' for who?"
"Why, that guy Gangway."
FRIEND--"How's your boy getting on in the army, Mr. Johnson?"
JOHNSON--"Wonderful! I feel a sense of great security. An army that
can make my boy get up early, work hard all day, and go to bed early
can do anything!"
He was a very young officer, who looked as if he should be wearing
knee breeches.
One day when his company was up for inspection at the training camp,
one of the men remarked in a tone of deep sarcasm. "And a little child
shall lead them."
"The man who said that, step forward," was the immediate command. The
entire company stepped out and repeated the quotation.
The lieutenant looked up and down the line. "Dismissed," he announced
shortly.
The men thought they had gotten the better of him, but not for long,
for that night at retreat when the orders for the following day were
read they heard: "There will be a twenty-five-mile hike tomorrow with
full equipment, and a little child shall lead them--on a damned good
horse."
HE--"Have the car ready at the Admiralty at 4:30."
CHAUFFEUSE--"Very well."
HE--"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My Lord!'"
SHE--"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My Lady!'"
Aunt Nancy was visiting an army camp and as she approached some
rookies were sitting on their heels and then rising to a standing
position in perfect unison.
"What are the boys doing now?" she asked.
"Why, those are the setting-up exercises," explained an obliging
sergeant.
"Humph," remarked auntie. "Looks to me more like settin' down
exercises."
Passing a hand over his forehead, the worried drill-sergeant paused
for breath as he surveyed the knock-kneed recruit. Then he pointed
a scornful finger. "No," he declared, "you're hopeless. You'll never
make a soldier. Look at you now. The top 'alf of your legs is standin'
to attention, an' the bottom 'alf is standin' at ease!"
A sergeant was trying to drill a lot of raw recruits, and after
working hard for three hours he thought they seemed to be getting into
some sort of shape, so decided to test them.
"Right turn!" he cried. Then, before they had ceased to move, came
another order, "Left turn!"
One hoodlum left the ranks and started off toward the barracks-room.
"Here, you!" yelled the angry sergeant. "Where are you going?"
"I've had enough," replied the recruit in a disgusted tone. "You don't
know your own mind for two minutes runnin'!"
The day after the second draft quota had reached Camp Devens a rookie
strolled into camp after dark. As he was going past a sentry, he was
challenged.
"Who goes there?"
"Machine gun 301," answered the rookie.
"Advance to be recognized."
"Aw, you don't know me. I've only been here a coupla days."
"How did that private ever get in here?" asked a corporal of a captain
as he looked at a boy who seemed to be a physical weakling.
"Walked in backward," said the captain, "and the guard thought he was
going out."
"Remember, my son," said his mother as she bade him good-by, "when
you get to camp try to be punctual in the mornings, so as not to keep
breakfast waiting."--_Life_.
A young American artist who has just returned from a six-months' job
of driving a British ambulance on the war-front in Belgium brings this
back, straight from the trenches:
"One cold morning a sign was pushed up above the German trench facing
ours, only about fifty yards away, which bore in large letters the
words:
"'GOTT MIT UNS!'
"One of our cockney lads, more of a patriot than a linguist, looked at
this for a moment and then lampblacked a big sign of his own, which he
raised on a stick. It read:
"'WE GOT MITTENS, TOO!'"
"Who goes there?" the sentry challenged.
"Lord Roberts," answered the tipsy recruit.
Again the sentry put the question and received a like answer,
whereupon he knocked the offender down. When the latter came to, the
sergeant was bending over him. "See here!" said the sergeant, "why
didn't you answer right when the sentry challenged you?"
"Holy St. Patrick!" replied the recruit; "if he'd do that to Lord
Roberts, what would he do to plain Mike Flanagan?"
A mud-spattered dough-boy slouched into the "Y" hut where an
entertainment was in progress and slumped into a front seat.
Firm, kindly, and efficient, a Y.M.C.A. man approached him, saying:
"Sorry, buddy, but the entire front section is reserved for officers."
Wearily the youth rose.
"All right," he drawled, "but the one I just got back from wasn't."
A well-dressed stranger strolled up to a colored prisoner, who was
taking a long interval of rest between two heaves of a pick.
"Well, Sam, what crime did you commit to be put in those overalls and
set under guard?"
"Ah went on a furlong, sah."
"Went on a furlong? You mean you went on a furlough."
"No, boss, it was a sho' nuff furlong. Ah went too fur, and Ah stayed
too long."
An officer of the A.E.F. relates the following: "We had a bunch of
negro troops on board and it was a terrible experience to them, as
most of them had never been away from home before. They were very
religious and used to pray all over the ship. One big buck held a
prayer right outside my window, thus: 'O Lord, if Thou doesn't do
another thing on this trip, call this ocean to attention.'"
CAPTAIN (speaking to raw recruit trying to drill)--"What was your
occupation before entering the army?"
ROOKIE--"Traveling salesman, sir."
CAPTAIN--"Stick around; you'll get plenty of orders here."
MILK
"You are charged with selling adulterated milk," said the judge.
"Your Honor, I plead not guilty."
"But the testimony shows that it is 25 per cent water."
"Then it must be high-grade milk," returned the plaintiff. "If your
Honor will look up the word 'milk' in your dictionary you will find
that it contains from 80 to 90 per cent water. I should have sold it
for cream!"
The morning milk delivered at the parsonage was certainly weak, and
the head of the household considered it necessary to remonstrate. "Are
you aware," he remarked to the milkman, "that we require this milk for
the hitherto recognized purposes?"
"I hope so, sir," replied the tradesman.
"That's all right, then," returned the parson gently; "I merely
mentioned it in case you may have thought we wanted it for the font."
On the outskirts of Philadelphia is an admirable stock farm. One day
last summer some poor children were permitted to go over this farm,
and when their inspection was done, to each of them was given a glass
of milk. The milk was excellent.
"Well, boys, how do you like it?" the farmer said, when they had
drained their glasses.
"Fine," said one little fellow. Then after a pause, he added, "I wisht
our milkman kept a cow."
MILLENNIUM
_What Will We Do?_
What will we do when the good days come--
When the prima donna's lips are dumb,
And the man who reads us his "little things"
Has lost his voice like the girl who sings;
When stilled is the breath of the cornet-man,
And the shrilling chords of the quartette clan;
When our neighbors' children have lost their drums
Oh, what will we do when the good time comes?
Oh, what will we do in that good blithe time,
When the tramp will work--oh, thing sublime!
And the scornful dame who stands on your feet
Will "Thank you, sir," for the profered seat;
And the man you hire to work by the day,
Will allow you to do his work your way;
And the cook who trieth your appetite
Will steal no more than she thinks is right;
When the boy you hire will call you "Sir,"
Instead of "Say" and "Guverner";
When the funny man is humorsome--
How can we stand the millennium?
--_Robert J. Burdette_.
MILLINERS
"Madam," announced the new maid, "your husband is lying unconscious in
the reception hall, with a large box beside him and crushing a paper
in his hand."
"Ah," cried her mistress in ecstacy, "my new hat has come."
MILLIONAIRES
_The Idle Rich_
The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay, telling what they
would do if they had five million dollars.
Every pupil except little William Powers began writing immediately.
William sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the
ceiling.
Teacher collected the papers, and William handed in a blank sheet.
"How is this, William?" asked teacher. "Is this your essay? Every
other pupil has written two sheets or more, while you have done
nothing!"
"Well," replied William, "that's what I would do if I were a
millionaire!"
"WILLIE," asked a New York teacher of one of her pupils, "how many
make a million?"
"Not many," said Willie with a grin.
MINISTERS
_See_ Clergy.
MISERS
Amos Whittaker, a miserly millionaire, was approached by a friend who
used his most persuasive powers to have him dress more in accordance
with his station in life.
"I am surprised, Amos," said the friend "that you should allow
yourself to become shabby."
"But I'm not shabby," firmly interposed the millionaire miser.
"Oh, but you are," returned his old friend. "Remember your father. He
was always neatly, even elaborately, dressed. His clothes were always
finely tailored and of the best material."
"Why," shouted the miser, triumphantly, "these clothes I've got on
were father's!"
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
"No man is as well known as he thinks he is," said Caruso. "I was
motoring on Long Island recently. My car broke down, and I entered a
farmhouse to get warm. The farmer and I chatted, and when he asked my
name I told him modestly that it was Caruso. At that name he threw up
his hands.
"'Caruso!' he exclaimed. 'Robinson Caruso, the great traveler! Little
did I expect ever to see a man like yer in this here humble kitchen,
sir!'"
CUSTOMER (trying on dress suit, jokingly)--"I hope I'll never be
mistaken for a waiter."
TAILOR--"When in doubt, keep your hands in your pockets!"--_Judge_.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Hebrew were telling of their strange
experiences and how they were mistaken for great men.
"Would you baylave it," the Irishman said, "I was mistaken for
ex-President Roosevelt."
The Englishman turned to his fellow countryman, "That's nothing," he
said, "I was once mistaken for President Wilson."
"Huh?" the Hebrew said. "I vas standing on the street corner the other
day and a cop came along and said to me, 'Holy Moses, are you here
again?'"
MISTAKES
When a plumber makes a mistake, he charges time for it.
When a lawyer makes a mistake, it's just what he wanted.
When a carpenter makes a mistake, it's just what he expected, because
the chances are ten to one he never learned his business.
When an electrician makes a mistake, he blames it on induction,
because nobody knows what that is.
When a doctor makes a mistake, he buries it.
When a judge makes a mistake, it becomes the law of the land.
When a preacher makes a mistake, nobody knows the difference.
But a _salesman_--he is different; he has to be careful; he cannot
turn his mistakes into profit or blame them on a profession.
You've got to go some to be a real _salesman_.
MONEY
If you save all you earn, you're a miser.
If you spend all you earn, you're a fool.
If you lose it, you're out.
If you find it, you're in.
If you owe it, they're always after you.
If you lend it, you're always after them.
It's the cause of evil.
It's the cause of good.
It's the cause of happiness.
It's the cause of sorrow.
If the government makes it, it's all right.
If you make it, it's all wrong.
As a rule it's hard to get.
But it's pretty soft when you get it.
It talks!
To some it says, "I've come to stay."
To others it whispers, "Good-bye."
Some people get it at a bank.
Others go to jail for it.
The Mint makes it first.
It's up to you to make it last.
--_Ben S. Kearns_.
GIBES--"A man's best friend, they say, is a full pocketbook."
DIBBS--"An empty one is his most constant friend, because while others
may grow cold, he will find no change in his purse."
"I gave that beggar a penny, and he didn't thank me."
"No. You can't get anything for a penny now."
TODAY--"What do we care for prices? We've got the money!"
TOMORROW--"What do we care for prices? We haven't any money!"
"You know," Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared impressively,
"it's getting so that it is positively dangerous for a man to carry
around a good-sized roll of money."
"Difficult, rather than dangerous, I find," Diggs sighed.
"'S funny."
"Shoot!"
"Bills are rectangular, and yet they come rolling in!"
_The Old Silver Dollar_
How dear to my heart is the mem'ry that lingers
Of the days that, alas! we shall never see more,
When clutching a large silver coin in my fingers,
I hurried along to the grocery store,