to make matters worse, on going to the picture-palace in the evening,
instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures there was nothing
but a lot more hugging and kissing. He returned home completely out of
patience with the whole tribe of women.
After he had been tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him
good-night.
He refused.
Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who
was standing at the doorway, looking on, and said:
"Daddy, for heaven's sake, give this woman a kiss!"
People who throw kisses are mighty near hopelessly lazy.
"If you kiss me again," declared Miss Lovely firmly, "I shall tell
father."
"That's an old tale," replied the bold, bad young man. "Anyhow, it's
worth it," and he kissed her.
Miss Lovely sprang to her feet. "I shall tell father," she said and
left the room.
"Father," she said softly to her parent when she got outside, "Mr.
Bolder wants to see your new gun."
"All right, I'll take it to him," said her father, and two minutes
later he appeared in the doorway with his gun in his hand.
There was a crash of breaking glass as Mr. Bolder dived through the
window and departed in all haste for the railway station.--_Judge_.
Before introducing Lieutenant de Tessan, aid to General Joffre, and
Colonel Fabry, the "Blue Devil of France," Chairman Spencer, of the
St. Louis entertainment committee, at the M. A. A. breakfast told this
anecdote.
"In Washington, Lieutenant de Tessan was approached by a pretty
American girl, who said:
"'And did you kill a German soldier?'
"'Yes,' he replied.
"'With what hand did you do it?' she inquired.
"'With this right hand,' he said.
"And then the pretty American girl seized his right hand and kissed
it. Colonel Fabry stood near by. He strolled over and said to
Lieutenant de Tessan:
"'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell her that you bit him to death.'"
According to Dr. Bramer, the savages of Brumari Island never kiss each
other. Judging by their photographs, we don't blame them.
A girl was asked to explain why men never kiss each other, while women
do. She replied:
"Men have something better to kiss; women haven't."
A kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss
to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to steal
it, and the old man has to buy it. The Baby's right, the Lover's
privilege, the Hypocrite's mask. To a young girl, faith; to a married
woman, hope; to an old maid charity.
KNOWLEDGE
_Self-Knowledge_
To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great help to
knowledge.--_Disraeli_.
_Superfluous_
"What's that you're goin' to give Bill?"
"An anesthetic. After he takes it he won't know anything."
"Lor', Bill don't need that, he don't know anything now."
Knowledge is not happiness, and science
But an exchange of ignorance for that
Which is another kind of ignorance.
--_Byron_.
LABOR AND CAPITAL
"What's the difference between capital and labor?"
"If I had to work and turn three-fourths of my wages over to you, that
would be labor."
"Yes?"
"On the other hand, if you had to work and turn three-fourths of your
wages over to me, that would be capital."
LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
JOHN--"You work hard. How many hods of mortar have yuh carried up that
ladder today?"
BILL--"Hush, man. I'm foolin' the boss. I've carried this same hodful
up an' down all day, and he thinks I've been workin'."
Said a teacher of much erudition,
"I deplore the poor workman's condition."
When he learned what they earned,
His profession he spurned,
And became a high-paid mechanician.
"And how is your husband keeping?"
"'E ain't keeping; 'e's on strike, and I'm doing the keeping."
BOSS--"No; we have all the men we need."
LABORER--"Seems like you could take one more, the little bit of work
I'd do."--_Judge_.
FARMER--"I'll give you $5 a month and your board!"
APPLICANT--"Aw, shucks! What do you think I am, a college graduate?"
Wilson Barrett used to tell an amusing story against himself. At a
time when he had a lot of workmen redecorating his private residence,
thinking to give them a treat, he asked if, after work one evening,
they would like to have seats to go and see him play in "The Lights o'
London," at the Princess's Theater.
They said they didn't mind if they did, and being given complimentary
tickets, all went on a Saturday night to see their employer's
performance.
At the end of the week Barrett's eye caught sight of this item against
each workman's name on the pay-sheet: "Saturday night. Four hours'
overtime at Princess's Theater, eight shillings."
LABOR-SAVING DEVICES
A New Orleans man tells of a visit he once made to a small, although
important, place on the Caribbean coast of Colombia.
At that time, it appears, his knowledge of South America was limited,
and he viewed the sights with a keener interest than he does today.
While he was waiting for the train in which he was to travel to
Barranquilla, two peons went by with a wheelbarrow minus the wheel.
It was a contrivance with handles at both ends, and it required the
services of two men to move it.
Turning to a steamer acquaintance, the American asked him if there
were no real wheelbarrows in the place.
"Oh, no," replied the Colombian; "we use these ingenious devices so
that two men may do the work of one."
LADIES
_See_ Woman.
LANGUAGES
The oculist was examining the eyes of a patient from Jamaica. He
requested the patient to read the top line of the test card, the
letters of which ran N P R T V Z B D F H K O. The patient emitted
a spluttering sound. "Come, come," urged the doctor, "read the top
line." The patient frowned and spluttered again. The doctor was
slightly exasperated. "If you can't read it, just say so," he said.
"Well, really, you know," replied the Jamaican, "the letters are
perfectly familiar, but I'm hanged if I know the language."
"Why have words roots, pa?"
"To make the language grow, my child."
LAUGHTER
Every time a man laughs he takes a kink out of the chain of life.
"After all," said Kwoter, "it's a true saying that 'he laughs best who
laughs last.'"
"Not at all," replied Wise. "The really true saying is: 'He laughs
best whose laugh lasts.'"
LAUNDRY
"Did the laundry man find those cuffs he lost last week?"
"No, John."
"The shirts are no good to me without the cuffs."
"Evidently he figured it that way, too. This week he lost the shirts."
LAWS
The good need fear no law;
It is his safety, and the bad man's awe.
--_Massinger_.
"Your case would have been stronger, Mr. McGuire," said the lawyer,
"if you had acted only on the defensive. But you struck first. If you
had let him strike you first you would have had the law on your side."
"Yes," said McGuire. "Oi'd have had the law on my soide, but Oi'd have
had him on me stomach."
Congressman Hull, of Iowa, sent free seeds to a constituent in a
franked envelop, on the corner of which were the usual words, "Penalty
for private use, $300." A few days later he received a letter which
read:
"I don't know what to do about those garden-seeds you sent me. I
notice it is $300 fine for private use. I don't want to use them for
the public. I want to plant them in my private garden. I can't afford
to pay $300 for the privilege. Won't you see if you can't fix it so I
can use them privately? I am a law-abiding citizen, and do not want to
commit any crime."
LAWYERS
LAWYER--"Are you aware, sir, that what you contemplate is illegal?"
CLIENT--"Certainly. What do you suppose I came to consult you for?"
An Atlanta lawyer tells of a newly qualified judge in one of the
towns of the South who was trying one of his first criminal cases. The
prisoner was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He had been
in court before on a similar charge and was then acquitted.
"Well Henry," observed the Judge, "I see you're in trouble again."
"Yessuh," replied the negro. "De las' time, Jedge, you rec'lect, you
was mah lawyuh."
"Where is your lawyer this time?"
"I ain't got no lawyer dis time," said Henry. "Ah's gwine to tell de
troof."
"Pa, what is a retainer?"
"What you pay a lawyer before he does any work for you, my son."
"Oh, I see. It's like the quarter you put in the gas-meter before you
get any gas."
After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, who felt
like lynching him, his opponent, a grizzled old veteran, arose, looked
sweetly at the judge, and said:
"Your honor, I will follow the example of my young friend who has just
finished, and submit the case without argument."--_Life_.
A Chicago business man, with many relatives, some of whom were
well-to-do but grasping, recently sought the services of his lawyer to
draw up his will. When, after much labor, the document was completed,
the client asked:
"Have you fixed this thing, as I wished it, tight and strong?"
"I have done my best," said the lawyer.
"Well," continued the client, "I want to ask you another thing--not
professionally, however. As a friend, and man to man, who do you think
stands the best chance of getting the property when I am gone?"
The attorneys for the prosecution and defense had been allowed fifteen
minutes each to argue the case. The attorney for the defense had
commenced his argument with an allusion to the old swimming-hole of
his boyhood days. He told in flowery oratory of the balmy air, the
singing birds, the joy of youth, the delights of the cool water--
And in the midst of it he was interrupted by the drawling voice of the
judge:
"Come out, Chauncey," he said, "and put on your clothes. Your fifteen
minutes are up."
It is related that when Judge Benjamin Toppan of Ohio, who died in
the early '70s, applied for admission to the bar of that state he was
asked just two questions. "Mr. Toppan, what is law?" was the first of
these.
"An unjust distribution of justice," replied the applicant.
"What is equity?" was the second.
"A damned imposition upon common sense!"
He was received into the brotherhood with open arms.
MAGNATE--"I give that lawyer ten thousand dollars a year to keep me
out of jail."
"Oh, John! Please stop spending your money so foolishly."--_Life_.
When General Beck was a young lawyer a man was arraigned for murder
and had no counsel.
"Mr. Beck," said the presiding judge, "take the prisoner into that
room at the rear of the court, hear his story, and give him the best
advice you can."
Accordingly Beck disappeared with the prisoner, and in half an hour's
time returned into court--alone.
"Where is the prisoner?" asked the judge.
"Well," replied Beck, slowly, "I heard his story, and then I gave him
the best advice I could. I said: 'Prisoner, if I were you I'd get out
of that window and make tracks.' He slid down the water-pipe, and the
last I saw of him he was getting over a stone wall half a mile away."
"Smith certainly is a foxy fellow. He's drawn up his will in such a
way that the lawyers can't get more out of it than his own heirs."
"How's that?"
"Why, he left half his fortune to one of the best lawyers in the
country, provided he saw to it that the other half went to Smith's
children intact."
"I couldn't serve as a juror, judge. One look at that fellow convinces
me he's guilty."
"Sh-h! That's the district attorney."
LITTLE WILLIE--"What is a lawyer, pa?"
PA--"A lawyer, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for
a fight, and then runs off with their clothes."
The following is told of a late railway magnate and a prominent
Philadelphia lawyer.
Said the magnate to the lawyer--"I want you to show that this law is
unconstitutional. Do you think that you can manage it?"
"Easily," answered the lawyer.
"Well, go ahead and get familiar with the case."
"I'm already at home in it. I know my ground perfectly. It's the same
law you had me prove was constitutional two years ago."
"Are you sure you can prove my client is crazy?"
"Why, certainly," replied the eminent alienist. "And what is more, if
you are ever in trouble and need my services I'll do the same thing
for you."
The lawyer was endeavoring to pump some free advice out of the doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on, Doc?"
"The side that pays you the retainer."
An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a shilling
subscription was set on foot to pay the expenses of his funeral. Most
of the attorneys and barristers having subscribed, one of them applied
to Toler, afterwards Lord Chief Justice Norbury, expressing his hope
that he would also subscribe his shilling.
"Only a shilling!" said Toler; "only a shilling to bury an attorney!
Here is a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them."
_See also_ Judges.
LAZINESS
"I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop," said the grower,
"and I went to a saloon in a near-by city. On entering the place I
accosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the men lounging about
the place cared for employment at good wages.
"'I dunno,' said the mixer, 'yer better ask 'em.'
"'Any of you men want to go to work?' I said.
"There was a dead silence for a few moments, when one of the loafers
spoke up and queried, 'What doing, and what do yer pay?'
"'Picking prunes,' I replied, 'and I pay three dollars a day and
board.'
"'What kind of a place is it?' asked the garrulous one.
"'It is an attractive rolling orchard,' I answered.
"The I. W. W. spokesman rose from his chair, yawned, stretched
himself, and said, 'Well, roll her in here and let's see her, and
we'll tell yer if we wants the job.'"
A morning paper complains that "eggs ought to be more plentiful and
cheaper than they are at the present time." The number of hens to be
seen nowadays standing about doing nothing is certainly a scandal.
An American teacher undertook the task of convincing an indolent
native son of the Philippines that it was his duty to get out and
hustle.
"But why should I work?" inquired the guileless Filipino.
"In order to make money," declared the thrifty teacher.
"But what do I want with money?" persisted the brown brother.
"Why, when you get plenty of money you will be independent and will
not have to work any more," replied the teacher.
"I don't have to work now," said the native--and the teacher gave it
up in disgust.
FIRST COCKY (on horseback)--"That cove ye've had wurrkin' for yer
arsked me fur a job this mornin'. Was he a steady chap Ryan?"
SECOND COCKY--"He was. If he'd ha' bin inny stiddier he'd ha' bin
motionless."
"What sort of a chap is Bill to camp out with?"
"He's one of those fellows who always takes down a mandolin about the
time it's up to somebody to get busy with the frying pan."
A camera man who had ventured without permission to take some pictures
on a farm for the educational department of a film company was met
unexpectedly by the owner of the farm and hastened to explain his
presence there. "I've just been taking a few moving pictures of life
on your farm," he said.
"Have you?" the old farmer responded. "And did you catch my hired man
in motion?"
"Sure I did," the man assured him.
"You did!" the farmer exclaimed. Then he shook his head reflectively.
"Well, well," he remarked, "science is a wonderful thing."
LEAGUE OF NATIONS
"Why do you object to the League of Nations?"
"On musical grounds. After singing 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee,' all
these years, I don't want the mental effort of changing to 'Our
Countries, Tis of Those.'"
FOR SALE--"League of Nations." Several pages missing; binding gone in
spots. Damaged by fire and water. Valuable historical document. Author
now unknown. As is.
LEAP YEAR
_A Modern Leap-Year Song_
Ah, me! why should I marry me?
Lovers are plenty, but fortunes are few
Why lose wages that carry me
Better by far than a husband could do?
Fond youth, calmly I'm viewing you,
Steeling a heart that might flutter and throb:
I've no thought of pursuing you;
Poverty's stupid--I'll stick to my job.
LEFT HANDEDNESS
Pat, who was left-handed, was being sworn in as a witness in the West
Side Court of Denver, Colo.
"Hold up your right hand," said the judge. Up went Pat's left hand.
"Hold up your right hand," commanded the judge, sternly.
"Sure and I am, yer honor," declared Pat. "Me right hand's on me
left-hand side."
LEGISLATION
"Have you made any resolutions or turned over a new leaf or anything
like that?"
"No," replied the man with the serene smile. "No need of them. If I
have any lingering vices I feel that I need only wait for somebody to
introduce legislation that will make them impossible."
LEGISLATORS
"Do you think we are happier for the conveniences of telegraph and
telephone?"
"Not always," replied Senator Sorghum. "It would be a great comfort
to be able to make a speech that exactly agrees with your audience
without its being placed immediately before people all over the
country who may not feel the same way about it."
"Senator, you promised me a job."
"But there are no jobs."
"I need a job, Senator."
"Well, I'll ask for a commission to investigate as to why there are no
jobs and you can get a job on that."
LEISURE
THE CHILD--"Mother, what is 'leisure'?"
THE MOTHER--"It's the spare time a woman has in which she can do some
other kind of work, dearie."
LIARS
The teacher was telling her class a long, highly embellished story
of Santa Claus, and the mirth of Willie Jones eventually got entirely
beyond his control.
"Willie," said the teacher sternly, "what did I whip you for
yesterday?"
"Fer lyin'," promptly answered Willie; "an' I was jest wonderin' who
was goin' to whip you."
He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he undertakes, for
he must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain one.--_Pope_.
A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a
dog of doubtful pedigree.
"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked, with fatherly interest.
"Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tells
the biggest one gets the purp."
"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I never
thought of telling an untruth."
"Youse win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister."
A man may tell the same lie about the same thing to the same man seven
times seven, and be accounted truthful. Let him vary in but the merest
detail and he is a liar. Such is the patent gullibility of a too
conscientious world.
An evangelist who was conducting services announced that on the
following evening he would speak on the subject of "Liars." He advised
his hearers to read in advance the seventeenth chapter of Mark.
The next night he arose and said: "I am going to preach on 'Liars'
tonight and I would like to know how many read the chapter I
suggested." A hundred hands were upraised.
"Now," he said, "you are the very persons I want to talk to--there
isn't any seventeenth chapter of Mark."
A Sunday school teacher asked a small girl the other day why Ananias
was so severely punished. The little one thought a minute, then
answered: "Please, teacher, they weren't so used to lying in those
days."
"Does your husband ever lie to you?"
"Never."
"How do you know?"
"He tells me that I do not look a day older than I did when he married
me, and if he doesn't lie about that, I don't think he would about
less important matters."
"Do you really mean to call me a liar?" asked one rival railroad man
of another railroad man, during a dispute on business they had on
Austin Avenue yesterday.
"No, Colonel, I don't mean to call you a liar. On the contrary, I say
you are the only man in town who tells the truth all the time, but I'm
offering a reward of $25 and a chromo to any other man who will say he
believes me when I say you never lie," was the response.
"Well, I'm glad you took it back," replied the other party, as they
shook.--_A. E. Sweet_.
_See also_ Husband; Real estate agents; Regrets.
LIBERTY BONDS
"We accept Liberty Bonds at their full value for all goods."
Thus reads a placard in the window of a wholesale liquor house. We
have often wondered what the height of damphoolishness might be,
having tried various things, but there it is: Exchanging a Liberty
Bond for booze.
LIBRARIANS
_The Reference Librarian_
At times behind a desk he sits,
At times about the room he flits--
Folks interrupt his perfect ease
By asking questions such as these:
"How tall was prehistoric man?"
"How old, I pray, was Sister Ann?"
"Perhaps," commented her husband's bookish friend, "you should be
thankful you did not find him with his nose in 'The Inside of the
Cup!'"
"What should one do if cats have fits?"
"What woman first invented mitts?"
"Who said 'To labor is to pray?'"
"How much did Daniel Lambert weigh?"
"Don't you admire E. P. Roe?"
"What is the fare to Kokomo?"
"Have you a life of Sairy Gamp?"
"Can you lend me a postage-stamp?"
"Have you the rimes of Edward Lear?"
"What wages do they give you here?"
"What dictionary is the best?"
"Did Brummell wear a satin vest?"
"How do you spell 'anemic,' please?"
"What is a Gorgonzola cheese?"
"Who ferried souls across the Styx?"
"What is the square of 96?"
"Are oysters good to eat in March?"
"Are green bananas full of starch?"
"Where is that book I used to see?"
"I guess you don't remember me?"
"Haf you Der Hohenzollernspiel?"
"Where shall I put this apple peel?"
"Ou est, m'sie, la grand Larousse?"
"Do you say 'two-spot,' or 'the deuce'?"
"Come, find my book--why make a row?"
"A _red_ one--can't you find it _now_?"
"Please, which is right? to 'lend' or 'loan'?"
"Say, mister, where's the telephone?"
"How _do_ you use this catalog?"
"Oh, hear that noise! Is that my dog?"
"Have you a book called 'Shapes of Fear'?"
"You mind if I leave baby here?"
--_Edmund Lester Pearson_
It was at the public library. A small shaver clutched a well-worn,
dirty volume. At last it came his turn to place his volume for the
inspection of the librarian. The suspense was great, but finally
the librarian leaned forward. Taking in the size of the boy and then
glancing back at the book she remarked, "This is rather technical,
isn't it?"
Planting his feet firmly on the floor, the boy, half-defiant,
half-apologetic, retorted, "It was that way when I got it, ma'am."
"My husband is a most inveterate reader," exclaimed Mrs. Knox with a
slight tone of ennui. "He reads until dawn every morning. Why, last
night I found him asleep with his nose in 'V.V.'s Eyes!'"
_Toast to Librarians_
Said the "maker of books" to the "keeper of books,"
Yours is the task to hold
The choice of the changeable minds of men
To that which is pure gold.
Yours to watch at the ebb and flow
The tides of the public thought--
Flotsam or jetsam floating in
With the treasure genius brought.
For the unperishable dream of the soul lives on,
As the dream of genius must,
When the brain which wrought and the hand that wrote
Are one with the "daisied dust."
And so with reverent hands may you give
To the minds of men in their need,
The written word that's the word worth while,
So keepers of books--God speed!
_Do You Believe In Fairies?_
The world is full of people
Who are under the impression
That libr'ry work in general
Is the easiest profession.
"Such nice clean work!" says So-and-So,
"And such nice hours too!"
"Why, really now," exclaims a girl,
"I don't see what you do."
"Just sitting reading all the books
'Most all the livelong day.
Don't tell me now that just for this
The city gives you pay!"
And no one ever stops to think
Why it's so quiet there.
While they're just sitting at their ease
In some nice easy chair.
And how the books got on the shelves
In just the right, right place,
Nor how the "chief" keeps track of each,
And with a smiling face.
Oh, mercy no, they seem to think
Some fairy passed that way
With books from many publishers
And when she'd said, "Good day,"
She catalogued them in a night,
And with a bit of glue,
Stuck in the pages that were loose,
And mended old ones too.
And that she dusted all the shelves,
And kept the records straight;
So when the year came to an end,
She would not be too late
In handing in a full report
Of just what had been done.
(And "full" comprises everything
That's underneath the sun).
Oh yes, you'll find them everywhere,
Deluded as can be
In thinking libr'ry work's a "cinch,"
And looking longingly
At someone's "easy libr'ry job"
"With not a thing to do!"
But tell me, do you libr'yites
Believe in fairies too?
--_H.I.B. in the Use of Print_.
A certain woman who came in to take out a card, upon being told she
must give the name of a friend as reference said, "Why, I have no
friends. I was a librarian."
_See also_ Books and reading.
LIBRARIES
_The Power-House_
Every day I go past the Library on Ludlow Street
I look in the open windows and see the great dynamos.
They have power enough to jazz the earth and throw the planets out of
step, but they make no sound.