examiners go mad might be found in the following questionnaire filled
out by an applicant applying to the Service for employment:
Q. Born? A. Yes; once.
Q. Nativity? A. Baptist.
Q. Married or single? A. Have been both.
Q. Parents alive yet? A. Not yet.
Q. Hair? A. Thin.
Q. Voice? A. Weak.
Q. Healthy? A. Sometimes.
Q. Previous experience? A. No.
Q. Where? A. Different places.
Q. Business? A. Rotten.
Q. Salary expected? A. More.
Q. Drink? A. Not in dry states.
Q. Why do you want job? A. Wife won't work any more.
INVESTMENTS
SMITH--"I see stocks took a drop."
JONES--"Took a drop? I should say they took the whole bottle."
No one should have to coax you into any investment. It either looks
good to you or it doesn't. You either want it or you don't. But be
sure you are influenced by facts alone.
"Goodness is the only investment that never fails."--_Thoreau_.
"Time is money," said Uncle Eben; "but jes' the same, de man dat finds
himself wif a lot o' time on his hands has made a poor investment."
"Sir, this is a golden opportunity! Small investment, no risk, and
enormous returns absolutely sure."
"Then I wouldn't have the heart to deprive you of it."--_Life_.
THE SUITOR--"I hope, sir, that you will consider me in the nature of
an investment, even if I may not pay regular dividends."
THE GIRL'S FATHER--"My dear boy, don't talk of dividends. I shall be
glad if you don't levy regular assessments on me."--_Life_.
TOMMY--"Father, what's the future of the verb 'invest'?"
FATHER (a Congressman)--"Investigation."
IRELAND
We have all heard of the "far flung" British Empire. The only trouble
with it is that Ireland was not flung far enough.
"Did you go to the fight last night?"
"No, I went to hear the lecture on Ireland."
"Oh--who won?"
IRISH BULLS
PAT--"After all, it's a great pleasure to be missed by someone."
MIKE--"Shure it is, Pat; if yez can be there t' enjy it."
At Camp Grant there is an Irish sergeant who is quick tempered. One
day when he was trying to drill a squad of raw recruits he suddenly
became angry and exclaimed: "Halt! Just come over here, all of ye, and
look at yourselves! It's a fine line ye're keeping, isn't it?"
"Pat, what's that piece of blank paper you have in your hand?" asked
one Irishman of another.
"Oh, that's a letter from my wife."
"How do you mean a letter from your wife? Sure, there's no writing on
it."
"Of course not. The missus and myself are not on speaking terms."
O'HOULIHAN--"Pwhut's a pessimist, Mike?"
MULDOON--"He's a feller pwhat burns his bridges behind him an' thin
crosses thim before he comes to thim."
"Mrs. Flanagan," said the Landlord, "I've decided to raise your rent."
"Ah, now," beamed Mrs. Flanagan. "It's the darlint ye certinly are. I
wor wonderin' how I cud raise it meself, sur."
BLONDINE--"Isn't Bennie Beanbrough the thick one?"
BRUNETTA--"He is all of that."
"I said to him 'every time I open my mouth I put my foot in it--'"
"Uh huh!"
"And right away the poor fish looked down at my feet."
An Irishman who is noted for his wit went into a public-house the
other day and called for a glass of beer. The tumbler was not full
enough for Pat's satisfaction, so he quietly asked the publican how
many barrels of beer he sold in a week.
"Ten," replied the publican.
"I think," replied Pat, "if yer stand me a pint I could put yez on a
plan to sell eleven barrels a week."
"Agreed," said the landlord, handing him a pint. "How now am I to do
it?"
Pat, taking a big drink at his new pint, "Always fill your glasses."
An Irishman who was rather too fond of strong drink was asked by the
parish priest:
"My son, how do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The Irishman replied:
"Shure, and that's aisy! When I get to the gates of Heaven I'll open
the door and shut the door, and open the door and shut the door,
an' keep on doing that till St. Peter gets impatient and says, 'For
goodness' sake, Mike, either come in or stay out!'"
Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had
been appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit
for a week. He was well satisfied with himself.
"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was
stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"
"Two years, sir," she said.
"Do you like it?"
"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.
"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this
country, which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would
never be in a room with a justice of the supreme court, and chatting
familiarly with him."
"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge
at home."
"Sure, Oi'll write me name on the back o' your note, guaranteein'
ye'll pay ut," said Pat, smiling pleasantly as he indorsed Billup's
note, "but Oi know doomed well ye won't pay ut. We'll have a laugh at
th' ixpinse of the bank."--_Life_.
PAT--"This is the foist time inny of these corporations hev done
innything to binnefit the workingman."
MIKE--"How is that, Pat?"
PAT--"It is this siven-cint fare. I hev bin walkin' to and from me
work and savin' tin cints, and now I kin save fourteen cints."
An Irishman asked at the railway station for a ticket to Philadelphia.
"Do you want a ticket one way or one that will take you there and
back?"
The Irishman looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then said:
"What the devil do I want a ticket there an' back for when I'm here
already?"
An Irish mother reproving her son exclaimed, "I just wish that your
father was at home some evening to see how you behave yourself when he
is out!"
A tourist reports seeing the following police regulation posted up in
Ireland:
"Until further notice every vehicle must carry a light when darkness
begins. Darkness begins when the lights are lit."
IRISHMEN
"'Tis easy to see," said the tourist to Paddy, who was driving him
around, "that your parents came from Ireland."
"No, sir, they did not," replied Paddy.
"What! Do you mean to say your parents did not come from Ireland?"
"No, sir; you are mistaken," replied Paddy; "they're there yit."--_The
Nation_.
A zealous excise officer was sent to Ireland to try to locate several
"moonshine" stills which were known to exist.
Meeting a native the excise officer approached Pat, saying:
"I'll give you five shillings, Pat, if you can take me to a private
still."
"Troth, an' I will sir," was Pat's reply, as he pocketed the money.
"Come with me."
For many weary miles over mountain, bog, and moor they tramped, until
they came into view of a barracks. Pointing to a soldier seated on a
step inside the square, Pat said:
"There you are, sir, my brother Mike; he's been a soldier for ten
years, an' he's a private still."
An English clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked him: "What would
you be were you not a Scot?"
The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!"
Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him:
"And what would you be were you not an Irishman?"
The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of meself!"
Two sailors, an Irishman and a Scotchman, could never agree, and the
rest of the crew had become adepts in starting them on an argument.
One day "patron saints" was the subject, of which the Scotchman knew
nothing and the Irishman just a little.
"Who was the patron saint of Ireland?" said Jock.
"Do you mean to say you don't know?" said Pat. "Why, the holy St.
Patrick."
"Well," said Jock in deliberate tones, "hang your St. Patrick."
In a towering rage the Irishman hesitated a second while he thought of
something equally offensive, and then burst out with, "And hang your
Harry Lauder!"
PAT--"Yis, sorr, wur-rk is scarce, but Oi got a job last Sunday that
brought me foive dollars."
MR. GOODMAN--"What! you broke the Sabbath?"
PAT (apologetically)--"Well, sorr, 'twas wan av us had t' be broke."
An Irishman employed in a large factory had taken a day off without
permission and seemed likely to lose his job in consequence. When
asked by his foreman the next day why he had not turned up the day
before, he replied:
"I was so ill, sir, that I could not come to work to save me life."
"How was it, then, Pat, that I saw you pass the factory on your
bicycle during the morning?" asked the foreman.
Pat was slightly taken aback, then regaining his presence of mind, he
replied:
"Sure, sir, that must have been when I was going for the doctor."
A college graduate was walking down the street one evening with a
friend of Irish descent, and, pausing to look up at the starry sky,
remarked with enthusiasm:
"How bright Orion is tonight!"
"So that is O'Ryan, is it?" replied Pat. "Well, thank the Lord,
there's one Irishman in heaven, anyhow!"
After Patsy Hogan had left Dublin for the country, and rented a
cottage with a small backyard, he returned to town and purchased a
monkey. Not a word of his scheme would he disclose to his old cronies.
But afterwards he explained. "'Twas like this: I chained the monkey to
a stick in me yard, and the coal thrains were passin' all day, and on
iv'ry thrain there was a stoker. In one week I had two tons of coal in
me cellar, and the monkey was never wanst hit!"
_See also_ Irish bulls.
JEWS
Pat, answering questions in applying for a job as keeper of the pound,
came to the query, "What are rabies and what would you do for them?"
He replied, "Rabies is Jew priests and I wouldn't do a damn thing for
them."
Israel Paletzky sold and delivered fresh eggs to a near-by soda
dispenser. One day he brought in two dozen eggs in response to
an order. Upon counting them, the proprietor of the soda fountain
discovered there was an extra egg and offered it back to the aged Jew.
"Oh, dot's all right!" said old Israel. "Neffer mind for chust von
egg."
"Well, Izzy, have a drink then."
"All right. I take it a malted milk mit egg."
To the great God Buddha came the representatives of the Catholic,
Protestant, and Jewish religions, to pay him homage. Buddha, very
flattered, told each of them that if they would express a wish, it
would be fulfilled.
"What do you wish?" he asked the Catholic.
The answer was "Glory."
"You shall have it," said Buddha, and turning to the Protestant, "What
do you wish?"
"Money."
"You shall have it."
"And you?" This to the Jew.
"I do not want much," quoth he; "give me the Protestant's address!"
Father Duffy is credited by the New York World with this after-dinner
story:
"An old sexton asked me, 'Father, weren't the Apostles Jews?' I said
they were. Puzzled, he demanded: 'Then how the deuce did the Jews let
go of a good thing like the Catholic Church and let the Eytalians grab
it?'"--_The Outlook_.
In the latest number of the Unpartizan Review Henry Holt tells the
following anecdote as used by John Hay:
"Two Jews," he said, "were rescued from a raft by a Cunarder. Both
were pretty well used up, when one saw the vessel and murmured, 'A
sail, a sail!' The other who was stretched on the raft revived long
enough to exclaim, 'Mein Gott! I haf no gatalog!'"
JOKES
_Life of a Joke_
1--Appears in LIFE.
2--Copied in newspaper.
3--Used in almanac.
4--Filler on theater program.
5--Furnishes a laugh in vaudeville.
6--After-dinner speaker tells it.
7--Translated in foreign papers.
8--Retranslated back. Goes rounds of American papers once more.
9--Sent to LIFE as original.--_Life_.
"Pop, what do we mean by a good listener?"
"A good listener, my son, is a man to whom it is possible to tell a
funny story without reminding him of one of his own."
JUDGE--"You are charged with profanity."
PRISONER--"How can that be, your honor, when I was arrested for
getting rid of it?"
JUDGE--"Ten days for swearing. Thirty days for that joke."
POST--"Scribbler says if you can judge of the future by the past, his
work will live for thousands of years."
PARKER--"Let's see. Just what does Scribbler write?"
POST--"Jokes."
MRS. LESSNER--"Do you think it's true that poor Lydia hasn't smiled
since her marriage?"
MRS. SHORTWELL--"I think it's very likely. You know her husband is a
professional humorist."
The good die young was never said of a joke.
Why are jokes preceded by the so-called title, which is virtually the
conclusion, or what Twain termed the "nub"? The understanding of it
implies the reading of the joke first, and yet it is hung at the very
beginning in heavy type, demanding immediate attention. The reader
learns rapidly, however, and will not be fooled. Nine times out of ten
he will skip the title, complete the article, and then, from habit,
unconsciously glance back for the grin in the title, Where the Point
Lies.
It was a portly but very polite person who sat next to Jones in a
railway station. "Pardon me," said he to Jones, "but what would you
say if I sat on your hat?" "Suppose you sit on it and then ask me,"
sarcastically suggested Jones. "I did," said the portly person,
imperturbably.--_Judge_.
"It must be gratifying to see your jokes copied everywhere."
"What gratifies me most," said the professional humorist, "is that
somebody is willing to buy 'em in the first place."
William George Jordan, the educator and writer, uses a crutch. One
day, after he had negotiated several blocks, he paused to mop his
brow. While mopping with one hand he held his hat in the other and
a kindhearted but near-sighted passerby dropped a coin in the hat.
"Hey!" said Jordan, "it's legs I want--not alms."
_Old Fashioned Fun_
When that old joke was new,
It was not hard to joke,
And puns we now pooh-pooh,
Great laughter would provoke.
True wit was seldom heard,
And humor shown by few,
When reign'd King George the Third,
And that old joke was new.
It passed indeed for wit,
Did this achievement rare,
When down your friend would sit,
To steal away his chair.
You brought him to the floor,
You bruised him black and blue,
And this would cause a roar,
When your old joke was new.
--_W.M. Thackeray_.
JOURNALISM
"I represent The Daily Scoop, At what time did his lordship die?"
"His Lordship is not yet dead."
"Oh, isn't he? Well, then I'll wait."
FIRST WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Did your dispatch get past the censor?"
SECOND WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Only the part that wasn't true."
"Well, isn't that all your paper wants?"--Life.
"Getting out a daily column is no picnic," confesses a daily
getter-out in the Niles Sun-Star. "If we print jokes, folks say we
are silly--if we don't, they say we are too serious. If we publish
original matter, they say we lack variety; if we publish things from
other papers, they say we are too lazy to write. If we stay in the
office, we ought to be out rustling news; if we rustle for news, we
are not attending to business in the office. If we wear old clothes,
we are insolvents; if we wear new clothes, they are not paid for. What
in thunder is a poor editor to do anyhow? Like as not someone will say
we swiped this from an exchange. We did."
_See also_ Newspapers.
JUDGES
Judge Ben B. Lindsey of Denver, was lunching one day--it was a very
hot day--when a politician paused beside his table "Judge," said he,
"I see you're drinking coffee. That's a heating drink. In this weather
you want to drink iced drinks, Judge--sharp iced drinks. Did you ever
try gin and ginger ale?"
"No," said the Judge, smiling, "but I have tried several fellows who
have."
Unfortunately we've mislaid the judge's name, but his courtroom is
in New Bedford, Mass. Before him appeared a defendant who, hoping for
leniency, pleaded, "Judge, I'm down and out."
Whereupon said the wise Judge:
"You're down, but you're not out. Six months."
The late Gilman Marston, of New Hampshire, was arguing a complicated
case, and looked up authorities back to Julius Caesar. At the end of
an hour and a half, in the most intricate part of his plea, he was
pained to see what looked like inattention. It was as he had feared.
The judge was unable to appreciate the nice points of his argument.
"Your Honor," he said, "I beg your pardon; but do you follow me?"
"I have so far," answered the judge, shifting wearily about in his
chair, "but I'll say frankly that if I thought I could find my way
back, I'd quit right here."
_See also_ Lawyers.
JUDGMENT
Two San Francisco negroes were discussing the possibilities of being
drafted.
"'Tain't gwine do 'em any good to pick on me," said Lemuel, sulkily.
"Ah certainly ain't gwine do any fightin'. Ah ain't lost nothin' oveh
in France. Ah ain't got any quarrel with anybody, and Uncle Sam kain't
make me fight."
Jim pondered over this statement for a moment.
"You' right," he said at length. "Uncle Sam kain't make you fight. But
he can take you where de fightin' is, and after that you kin use you'
own judgment."
'Tis with our judgments as our watches; none
Go just alike, yet each believes his own.
--_Pope_.
How little do they see what is, who frame
Their hasty judgment upon that which seems.
--_Southey_.
Judgment is forced upon us by experience.
--_Johnson_.
JURY
Fresh from Boston, the lawyer in the frontier town had just finished a
glowing summing up for the defense. There ensued a long pause, and the
Easterner turned in some embarrassment to the judge.
"Your Honor," he asked, "will you charge the jury?"
"Oh, no, I guess not," answered the judge benignantly.
"They ain't got much anyway, so I let them keep all they can make on
the side."
The jury filed into the jury-box, and after the twelve seats were
filled there still remained one juror standing outside.
"If the Court please," said the Clerk, "they have made a mistake and
sent us thirteen jurors instead of twelve. What do you want to do with
this extra one?"
"What is your name?" asked the judge of the extra man.
"Joseph A. Braines," he replied.
"Mr. Clerk," said the judge, "take this man back to the jury
commissioners and tell them we don't need him as we already have
twelve men without Braines."
A suit for damages was being tried not long ago in one of the
divisions of a Southern city court. A country lad, seventeen or
eighteen years of age, was put on the stand to testify. He gave his
testimony in so low a tone that the judge, pointing to the jury, said
to him:
"Speak so that these gentlemen can hear you."
"Why," said the witness, with a beaming smile, "are these men
interested in the case, too?"
"Judge, Your Honor," cried the prisoner at the bar, "have I got to be
tried by a lady jury?"
"Be still!" whispered his attorney.
"I won't be still! Judge, I can't even fool my own wife, let alone
twelve strange women. I'm guilty!"
In western Georgia a jury recently met to inquire into a case of
suicide. After sitting through the evidence, the twelve men retired,
and, after deliberating, returned with the following verdict:
"The jury are all of one mind--temporarily insane."
THE JUDGE (to jury, who have retired several times without
agreeing)--"I understand that one juryman prevents your coming to
a verdict. In my summing up I have clearly stated the law, and any
juryman who obstinately sets his individual opinion against the
remaining eleven is totally unfitted for his duties."
THE SOLITARY OBJECTOR--"Please, m'lud, I'm the only man who agrees
with you!"
_A Time Exposure_
A judge's little daughter, who had attended her father's court for
the first time, was very much interested in the proceedings. After her
return home she told her mother:
"Papa made a speech, and several other men made speeches to twelve
men who sat all together, and then these twelve men were put in a dark
room to be developed."
During an address to a body of law students ex-President Taft pointed
out that too much care cannot be taken in the selection of the jury.
In this connection he told of an intelligent-looking farmer who had
been examined by both defense and prosecution and was about to be
accepted, when the prosecutor chanced to ask:
"Do you believe in capital punishment?"
The farmer hemmed and hawed and after a moment's reflection replied:
"Yes, sir, I do, if it ain't too severe."
THE COURT--"Considering that you are the wife of the prisoner, do you
think you are qualified to act as a juror in this case?"
THE LADY--"Well, your honor, if you will only give me a chance, I
think I can convince the eleven other jurors that he's guilty."
A tailor who had been wrongfully accused of murder, and who had an
excellent defense, seemed very dejected when brought up for trial.
"What's the trouble?" whispered the counsel, observing his client's
distress as he surveyed the jurymen.
"It looks very bad for me," said the defendant, "unless some steps
are taken to dismiss that jury and get in a new lot. There isn't a man
among them but owes me money for clothes."
JUSTICE
There is no virtue so truly great and Godlike as justice.--_Addison_.
A Sunday-school teacher had been telling her class of little boys
about crowns of glory and heavenly rewards for good people.
"Now, tell me," she said, at the close of the lesson, "who will get
the biggest crown?"
There was silence for a minute or two, then a bright little chap piped
out:
"Him wot's got t' biggest 'ead."
KINDNESS
I think I know what kindness is tonight.
It is a woman standing by a light.
It is a smile when life seems mostly grim.
It is a hope when hope has grown quite slim.
It is a hand that's gentle, firm and cool.
It is calm sense when you think like a fool.
It is a word of cheer when cheer is gone.
It is a lowered blind at garish dawn.
It is a steady presence all the day
That pushes lagging, dragging hours away.
I think I know what kindness is tonight.
It is a woman standing by a light.
--_Joseph Andrew Galahad_.
The Red-Cross idea that children should be encouraged to breed white
mice in order that they might be handed over to doctors for the
purpose of medical research, and which recommended these white mice,
particularly, on the grounds that they so endeared themselves to the
children, can only be paralleled by a story General Baden-Powell once
told at a Boy Scout meeting. There was a boy, he related, who went
to bed one night without having done his "kind act." Just as he was
beginning to feel rather miserable about it, he heard a mouse in a
trap in the room.
"What do you think he did?" asked the General, and the audience
promptly replied:
"Let it out."
"Not at all," replied the General; "he hadn't done his kind act: he
thought of the cat."
Kindness is wisdom. There is none in life
But needs it and may learn.
--_Bailey_.
Beauty lives with kindness.--_Shakespeare_.
KINGS AND RULERS
_Kings and Emperors_
Kings and Emperors shall pass
Like the sands within the glass.
See them passing even now,
Shorn of power, and bent of brow!
Purblind they who saw not Fate
Standing by the palace gate;
Deaf were they, and their reward
Is the Justice of the Lord!
--_Clinton Scollard_.
SAM--"Who was the first Kaiser?"
BULL--"How do I know? Ask me something easy."
SAM--"Something easy?"
BULL--"Yes; ask me who's the last."
The Kaiser said, "What shameful fears
I'm now compelled to feel;
I stacked the cards for thirty years
And then mussed up the deal!"
"Can you tell me," said the Court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, under
examination at Union Hill, N.J., as to his qualifications for
citizenship, "the difference between the powers and prerogatives of
the King of England and those of the President of the United States?"
"Yezzir," spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. "King, he got steady job."
In the English royal library at Windsor, in the center of the magazine
table, there is a large album of pictures of many eminent and popular
men and women of the day. This book is divided into sections--a
section for each calling or profession. Some years ago Prince Edward,
in looking through the book, came across the pages devoted to the
pictures of the rulers of the various nations. Prominently placed
among these was a large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt.
"Father," asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the Colonel's
picture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't he?"
"Yes, child," answered King George with a smile. "He is a great and
good man. In some respects I look upon him as a genius."
A few days later, King George, casually glancing through the album,
noticed that President Roosevelt's photograph had been removed and
placed in the section devoted to "Men and Women of the Time." On
asking the Prince whether he had removed the picture, the latter
solemnly replied: "Yes, sir. You told me the other day that you
thought Mr. Roosevelt a genius, so I took him away from the kings and
emperors and put him among the famous people."
KISSES