society, and not well understanding French when declaimed,
determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express
satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood
French, said to him, "But, grand-papa, you always applauded the
loudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily and
explained the matter.
FREAKS
'Tis well to seek to be unique,
But being too odd makes a freak.
FREE VERSE
YOUNG THING--"I wonder why they call it free verse?"
THE POET--"That's simple. Did you ever try to sell any?"
FREEDOM OF SPEECH
Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of freedom of
speech: "The liberty to say what you think without thinking what you
say."
"I believe in free speech!" exclaimed the vociferous man.
"So do I," rejoined Uncle Bill Bottletop; "so do I. But in one respect
free speech reminds me of the free lunch in the old days. You hate to
see a man making a pig of himself just because something's free."
Words can be just as dangerous as acts. There is a common notion that
the right of free speech implies the right to say anything we please
and relieves a man of all responsibility for his words. Every man
should recognize that hard words are just as dangerous as brickbats,
and if he gets to throwing them around promiscuously he is liable
for the damage he does. Almost any opinion we have could be stated
in terms that would not cause offense. Hard words are caused by our
consciousness of the weakness of our position. They are symptoms of
impotence. They arise from the feeling that a single statement of our
case is not sufficient, and that the only way to make an impression
is by insult or abuse. A man who is satisfied with the justice of his
position is content to state it in simple and inoffensive terms.--_Dr.
Frank Crane_.
"Sir," screeched the wild-haired man, "are you opposed to free
speech?"
"Not unless I am compelled to listen to it," replied old Festus
Pester.
FRENCH LANGUAGE
"Does your son who is abroad with the troops understand French?"
"Oh, yes, but he says the people he meets there don't seem to."
FRIENDS
"A fellah come to me today
And slapped me on the back
And started makin', right away,
The us'al sort of crack
About how good a friend he was,
How strong he was for me--
But friends don't need to tell you so,
There's other ways to tell you so,"
Says Charlie Cherokee.
"When makin' up my list of friends
I try to git 'em all;
The folks who give me recommends,
Or loans, however small;
I try to think of all they done
A friend of mine to be.
I find a rainy day is what
Will tell you who's a friend or not,"
Says Charlie Cherokee.
"I've never added to the list
A man, like this one did,
Who slapped my back and grabbed my fist
And started in to kid.
For friends don't need to say a word,
Their friendship you can see,
Can see it in a fellah's eyes--
For friends don't need to advertise,"
Says Charlie Cherokee.
--_Douglas Malloch_.
A day for toil, an hour for sport,
But for a friend life is too short.
--_Emerson_.
It's a pretty safe guess that if you have no friends you have done
something to deserve the fix you are in.
A friend who is not in need is a friend indeed.
_Friends_
Around the corner I had a friend,
In this great city, that has no end.
Yet days go by and weeks rush on
And before I know it, a year has gone,
And I never see my old friend's face,
For life is a swift and terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well
As in the days when I rang his bell,
And he rang mine, we were younger then
And now we are busy, tired men,
Tired of playing the foolish game,
Tired with trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say, "I'll call on Jim
Just to show him that I think of him,"
But tomorrow comes, and tomorrow goes,
And the distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner--yet miles away
"Here's a telegram, sir" Jim died today.
And that's what we get and deserve in the end,
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
--_C. Hanson Towne_.
_See also_ Borrowers.
FRIENDSHIP
"Friendship," said Uncle Eben, "don't mean no mo' to some folk dan a
license to borrow money."
Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals.--_Goldsmith_.
So long as we love we serve;
So long as we are loved by others
I would almost say that we are indispensable;
And no man is useless while he has a friend.
He removes the greatest ornament of friendship who takes away from it
respect.--_Cicero_.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go,
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all,--
There are none to decline your nectar'd wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.
--_Ella Wheeler Wilcox_.
FUTURE
Youth measures the future with the straight, new ruler of the present;
Old Age, by the frayed and patched plumb-line of the past.
I announce myself unblushingly and with perfect confidence. Nobody has
anything on me.
Nobody can ever supplant me in the affections and desires of men. I am
supreme mogul of the universe.
Everybody is working for me. Asking nothing for myself, all men expect
everything of me. I withhold nothing and grant as little as I like.
Men may doubt fire and the stars, but not me.
Nobody ever saw me, yet I am the one reality. Nobody knows anything
about me. So long as time shall last my secret is safe. Yet I am
ever on the lips of men. My name is lisped by the toddling infant and
chortled by hoary-headed sages.
I am the one that you will eventually disown.
I am _tomorrow_.
_Tomorrow Never Arrives_
Always lookin' forward to an easy-goin' time,
When the world seems movin' careless like a bit of idle rime;
A day when there is nothin' that kin make you sigh or fret;
Always lookin' forward--but I haven't seen it yet.
FUTURE LIFE
Mr. Tarzon Jones was sitting down to breakfast one morning when he was
astounded to see in the paper an announcement of his own death.
He rang up his friend Howard Smith at once. "Halloa, Smith!" he said.
"Have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
"Yes," replied Smith. "Where are you speaking from?"
TEACHER--"And what was Nelson's farewell address?"
BRIGHT BOY--"Heaven, ma'am."
At the grave of the departed the old darky pastor stood, hat in hand.
Looking into the abyss he delivered himself of the funeral oration.
"Samuel Johnson," he said sorrowfully, "you is gone. An' we hopes you
is gone where we 'specks you ain't."
POST--"A man can die but once."
PARKER--"Once used to be enough, until these psychic experts got
busy."
A French biologist declares that by a freezing process, somewhat
similar to that used in preserving fish, the span of human life can
be indefinitely extended. By going into cold storage here, we can
postpone a hot time hereafter.
"Well, Bill," asked a neighbor. "Hear the boss has had a fever? How's
his temperature today?"
The hired man scratched his head and decided not to commit himself.
"'Tain't fer me to say," he replied. "He died last night."
A park orator returning home flushed with his oratorical efforts, and
also from other causes, found a mild curate seated opposite in the
tram-car. "It may interest you to know," he said truculently, "that I
don't believe in the existence of a 'eaven." The curate merely nodded,
and went on reading his newspaper. "You don't quite realize," said the
park orator, "what I'm trying to make clear. I want you to understand
that I don't believe for a single, solitary moment that such a
place as 'eaven exists." "All right, all right," answered the curate
pleasantly, "go to hell, only don't make quite so much fuss about it."
A Massachusetts Senator was back home, looking after his political
fences, and was asking the minister about some of his old
acquaintances.
"How's old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him
again?"
"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "Mr Jones has
gone to heaven."
"Now, boys," said the teacher in the juvenile Sunday-school class,
"our lesson today teaches us that if we are good while here on earth,
when we die we will go to a place of everlasting bliss. But suppose we
are bad, then what will become of us?"
"We'll go to a place of everlasting blister," promptly answered the
small boy at the pedal extremity of the class.
"I wish, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you
were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let
me in."
"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for
you that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you
out."
FUTURIST ART
_Futurist Art_
Which one might worship--if he should wish--without breaking the
second commandment because truly there is nothing like it "in the
heavens above, in the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth."
A painter of the "impressionist" school is now confined in a lunatic
asylum. To all persons who visit him he says, "Look here; this is the
latest masterpiece of my composition." They look, and see nothing but
an expanse of bare canvas. They ask, "What does that represent?"
"That? Why, that represents the passage of the Jews through the Red
Sea."
"Beg pardon, but where is the sea?"
"It has been driven back."
"And where are the Jews?"
"They have crossed over."
"And the Egyptians?"
"Will be here soon. That's the sort of painting I like; simple,
suggestive, and unpretentious."
The artist dipped his brush in a bucket of paint and wiped it across
the canvas several times horizontally. When he had done this he took
his labor in hand and carefully placed it in an elaborate frame.
"What's the idea?" his boon companion inquired.
"Impressionistic study."
"Do you mean to tell me that is a finished painting?"
"Certainly."
"What are you going to call it?"
"A village street as seen from the rear seat of a motorcycle."
GAMBLING
"Look, mother," said Bobbie, exhibiting a handful of marbles, "I won
all those from Willie Smith."
"Why, Bobbie!" exclaimed his mother; "don't you know it's wicked to
play marbles for 'keeps'? Go right over to his house and give back
every one."
"Yes, mother," said the boy obediently; "and shall I take that vase
you won at Mrs. Jones' whist party, and give it back to her?"
"It's just as wrong to gamble when you win as when you lose."
"Yassuh," asserted Mr. Erastus Pinkley. "De immorality is jes' as
great, but de inconvenience ain't."
PROFESSOR--"Now I put the number seven on the board. What number
immediately comes into your mind?"
CLASS (in unison)--"Eleven!"--_Burr_.
SAM--"Ah done heard dat dey fine' Columbus's bones."
EZRA--"Lawd! Ah never knew dat he wuz a gamblin' man."
GARAGES
"What do they sell in that last garage besides gasoline, father?"
"'Besides,' my son? You mean 'instead of.'"--_Life_.
GARDENING
"I suppose you are going to raise potatoes in your garden?"
"I was, but when I read the directions for planting I found that it
would be impossible. They should be planted in hills, and my yard is
perfectly level."
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE--"If you want a garden this year you had
better hire somebody to make it. I'm not going to try it again. I've
figured it out; and if I would spend on my business the time I put in
on that garden I would make enough money to keep us in vegetables for
fifty years. I am off it for life."
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS NEIGHBOR--"I don't think I'll bother with a garden
this year. It doesn't pay; I may do a little; but the digging and the
labor--I'm off that for life."
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER--"Well, how's the garden coming along?
I'm not doing much with mine this year. What? How high did you say?
Already? What seed did you use?"
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE GOT HOME AN HOUR EARLY THAT
DAY--"Call me when dinner's ready. I've got to get the garden started
today or I'll never raise a thing."
GAS
DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER--"Do you mean to say that this meter measures
the amount of gas we burn?"
GAS COLLECTOR--"I will enter into no controversy, sir; but I may say
that the meter measures the amount of gas you will have to pay for."
GENEROSITY
SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER--"Now, Jimmy, I want you to memorize today's
motto, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"
JIMMY--"Yes'm, but I know it now. My father says he has always used
that as his motto in his business."
TEACHER--"Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?"
JIMMY--"He's a prize-fighter, ma'am."--_Life_.
Let us proportion our alms to our ability, lest we provoke God to
proportion His blessings to our alms.--_Beveridge_.
In this world, it is not what we take up, but what we give up, that
makes us rich.--_Beecher_.
GENIUS
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between genius and talent?"
PAW--"Talent gets paid every Saturday, my son."
Time, place, and action, may with pains be wrought,
But genius must be born, and never can be taught.
--_Dryden_.
Who in the same given time can produce more than many others, has
vigor; who can produce more and better, has talents; who can produce
what none else can, has genius.--_Lavater_.
And genius hath electric power,
Which earth can never tame;
Bright suns may scorch, and dark clouds lower--
Its flash is still the same.
--_Lydia M. Child_.
Taste consists in the power of judging; genius in the power of
executing.--_Blair_.
GEOGRAPHY
Edgar, aged five, was driving from the station on his first visit to
Maine. His mother, noticing a troubled look on his face as he looked
about, said:
"What's the matter, dear? Don't you like the beautiful country?"
"Yes, mother, but on _my_ map Maine is _red_!"
FATHER--"Now James, get ready. I'm going to hear your geography
lesson. What have the various expeditions to the North Pole
accomplished?"
JIMMY--"Nothin' 'cept to make the geography lessons harder."
The geography lesson was about to begin, and the subject of it was
France.
Accordingly, the teacher started off with the question: "Now in this
present terrible war, who is our principal ally?"
"France," came the answer from a chorus of voices.
"Quite right," said the teacher, beaming. "Now can any of you give me
the name of a town in France?"
A small boy at the back of the class almost fell over in his eagerness
to tell; "Somewhere," he said, breathlessly.
GERMANY
"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and
so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."
The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food
Board.
"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd
grow his own garden-stuff. This young man had been digging for about
an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found
another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.
"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening
up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at
his feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."
GERMS
"You don't seem to pay any attention to these germs."
"I don't talk about 'em any more than is necessary," answered Doc
Braney. "I take all possible precautions and then try to ignore 'em.
The meanest thing about a germ is that if he can't attack you anywhere
else, he tries to get on your mind."
Daddy was confined to the house with Spanish influenza, and mother was
busy sterilizing the dishes which had come from the sick-room.
"Why do you do that?" asked four-year-old Donald.
"Because, dear, poor daddy has germs, and the germs get on the dishes,
so then I boil them, and that kills all the horrid germs."
Donald turned this over in his little mind for several minutes. Then:
"Mother, why don't you boil daddy?"
"She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilizes or filters
everything in the house."
"How does she get along with her family?"
"Oh, even her relations are strained."
Mrs. Robinson was an extremely careful mother and had repeatedly
cautioned her six-year-old daughter against handling any object that
might contain germs. One day the little girl came in and said:
"Mother, I am never going to play with my puppy any more, because he
has germs on him."
"Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy."
"Yes, there are," insisted the child. "I saw one hop."--_Life_.
GIFTS
When the captain of the fire department was about to resign, his men
banded together and purchased an elaborate, embossed silver horn to
present to him at a meeting in the town hall. The fireman who
was chosen to make the presentation practiced his speech for days
beforehand. The chief, who had been informed of what was to happen,
also practiced his speech of acceptance. They rehearsed together and
were "letter perfect" when they mounted the platform in the town hall.
The throng which confronted them had, however, a disastrous effect.
Holding the horn at arm's length, the fireman stalked across the
platform and with a ghastly expression on his face, said:
"Well, Bill, here's your horn!"
The chief rose slowly to his feet and gasped: "Hell! Is that it?"
Not what we give, but what we share,
For the gift without the giver is bare.
--_Lowell_.
He gives twice who gives quickly.--_Syrus_.
A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous gift of
socks, entered them at once, for he was about to undertake a heavy
march. He was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and when, a
mere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the end of a terrible day,
he discovered inside the toe of the sock what had once been a piece of
stiff writing-paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold,
feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: "God bless the wearer
of this pair of socks!"--_Punch_.
We like the gift when we the giver prize.--_Sheffield_.
_See also_ Christmas gifts.
GIRLS
Son has just begun to go to school, and has much to say about the new
little girls he meets, but every few days it is a different girl
that attracts him. His mother said, "I'm afraid, son, that you are
changeable."
"'Tain't me that changes, mom," he answered; "it's them, when you know
them better."
Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they promise to
be.--_Goethe_.
GOD
A little girl traveling in a sleeping-car with her parents greatly
objected to being put in an upper berth. She was assured that papa,
mama, and God would watch over her. She was settled in the berth at
last and the passengers were quiet for the night, when a small voice
piped:
"Mama!"
"Yes, dear."
"You there?"
"Yes, I'm here. Now go to sleep."
"Papa, you there?"
"Yes, I'm here. Go to sleep like a good girl."
This continued at intervals for some time until a fellow passenger
lost patience and called:
"We're all here! Your father and mother and brothers and sisters and
uncles and aunts and first cousins. All here. Now go to sleep!"
There was a brief pause after this explosion. Then the tiny voice
piped up again, but very softly:
"Mama!"
"Well?"
"Was that God?"
GOLF
FIRST NEWSBOY--"Chimmie's got a job as caddie for a golf club. Is dere
much money in dat?"
SECOND DITTO--"De salary ain't much, but dey makes a lot extra backin'
up fellers when dey lies about de scores dey made."
An Irishman was suddenly struck by a golf-ball.
"Are you hurt?" asked the player. "Why didn't you get out of the way?"
"An' why should I get out of the way?" asked Pat. "I didn't know there
was any assassins round here."
"But I called 'fore,'" said the player, "and when I say 'fore,' that
is a sign for you to get out of the way."
"Oh, it is, is it?" said Pat. "Well, thin, whin I say 'foive,' it is a
sign that you are going to get hit on the nose. 'Foive.'"
"What do you think is the most difficult thing for a beginner to learn
about golf?"
"To keep from talking about it all the time."
The golfer who was employing him was playing very badly, and the
caddie threw himself down on the grass at one point and watched him.
When the man had at last succeeded in getting his ball out of the
bunker, he glanced toward the boy and remarked: "You must be tired,
lying down at this time of day."
"I ain't tired of carrying," said the caddie, "but I certainly am
tired of counting."
"What is considered a good score on these links?"
"Well, sir," replied the youthful caddie solemnly, "most of the gents
tries to do it in as few strokes as they can, but it gin'r'lly takes
some more."
"Look, grandpaw, a new gowf ba' I foond, lost on the links."
"Are ye sure it was lost, Sandy?"
"Oo, ay; I saw the mannie an' his caddy lookin' for it."
_Reflections of a Class A Caddie_
One swallow does not make a golfer--it only helps.
You may chip, you may wallop the ball if you will,
But the slash of the duffer will cling round it still.
Look before you cheat.
Every water hole has a silver lining--ask the boat boy.
To stymie is human; to lift up divine.
Half a stroke is better than none.
He laughs last who putts best.
When in doubt, hole out.
Two golf fiends--an Englishman and a Scot--were playing a round
together. After the first hole the Englishman asked:
"How many did you take?"
"Eight," replied the Scot.
"Oh, I only took seven, so it's my hole!" exclaimed the Englishman,
triumphantly.
After the second hole the Englishman put the same question again. But
the Scot smiled knowingly.
"Na, na, ma man," said he; "it's ma turn tae ask first!"
GOSSIP
"They say--"
"Who say?"
"Oh, all the people who don't matter."
"Germany's attitude toward peace is ominous," said General Laurin
Lawson at a luncheon in Louisville."
"Germany reminds me, in fact, of the new parlor-maid whose mistress
said to her:"
"'And above all things, I expect you to be reticent.'"
"'Yes, ma'am, certainly, of course, ma'am,' said the new maid."
"Then she leaned toward her mistress with shining eyes."
"'And what's there to be reticent about, ma'am?' she asked."
"Now this is a secret and you mustn't tell anybody."
"Rest assured that I won't tell that secret to anybody, dear. I have
no desire to figure as a female Rip Van Winkle. That secret is at
least three weeks old."
Women talk among themselves about other people. Men talk to other
people about themselves.
If you want to know a woman
Who can play a game of tag
With Truth until it's spent beyond repair,
Who can start a thousand rumors,
Set ten thousand tongues a-wag
Till there's nothing left of Gospel in the air,
Who can get you into trouble
And your reputation smirch--
It's Mrs. Grundy
On a Sunday
When she's walking home from church.
--_Katharine Eggleston Roberts_.
"They tell me that woman is a gossip. Do you think she is reliable?"
"I know that whatever she says goes."
"It's just an idle rumor."
"Well, my wife's bridge club is in session. If those ladies get hold
of that idle rumor, they'll soon put it to work."
A gossip is one who can make a mountain out of a molehill and then
bring it to you.
Conversation being dull at an evening party, the hostess requested one
of her guests to go home, that the rest might have somebody to talk
about.
GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Cañon.
"Do you know," asked the guide, "that it took millions and millions of
years for this great abyss to be carved out?"
"Well, well!" ejaculated the traveler. "I never knew this was a
government job."
"I presume you're mighty glad the war is over."
"Well, I don' jes' know about dat," answered Mandy. "Cose I'se glad to
have my Sam back home an' all dat, but I jes' know I ain't never gwine
t'get money from him so regular as I did while he wuz in de Army an'
de Government wuz handlin' his financial affairs."
"So you approve of the Government's action in taking over the
railroads."
"Yep," replied Mr. Growcher. "I approve of that and prohibition for
several reasons, one of them being that now a lot of people can quit
lecturing on the subject and go to work."
NULLERFORD--"Do you know anybody who favors government control of the
railroads?"
FONDERHAM--"I know one man. He lives fifty miles from the nearest
rail; never does any traveling or shipping; has a son who's a
conductor, a nephew who's a brakeman, a daughter who works in a
railroad office, and two grandsons who are going to be firemen."
GRATITUDE
At least one Washington débutante has candor and humor in large and
equal parts. Thus, her denial of a rumor that she was engaged:
"There is not a word of truth in it, but thank God for the report!"
"You did me a favor ten years ago," said the stranger, "and I have
never forgotten it."
"Ah," replied the good man with a grateful expression on his face,
"and you have come back to repay me?"
"Not exactly," replied the stranger. "I've just got into town and need
another favor, and I thought of you right away."
"Thankful? What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills."
"Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your creditors."
GUARANTEES