you're sure this bathing suit won't shrink?"
SALESMAN--"No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to."
POLICEMAN--"Lost yer mammy, 'ave yer? Why didn't yer keep hold of her
skirt?"
LITTLE ALFRED--"I cou--cou--couldn't reach it."
When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
that "they began too late and ended too soon."
FAIR CUSTOMER--"I'd like to try on that one over there."
SALESMAN--"I'm sorry, madam, but that is the lampshade."
The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of the stairs
was slow in descending. "Come on down, lady," said the conductor in a
bored tone, "legs ain't no treat to me."
FATE
All human things are subject to decay,
And when fate summons, monarchs must obey.
--_Dryden_.
All are architects of Fate,
Working in these walls of Time:
Some with massive deeds and great,
Some with ornaments of rhyme.
--_Longfellow_.
Fate holds the strings, and Men like Children, move
But as they're led: Success is from above.
--_Lord Lansdowne_.
One ship drives east, and another west
With the self-same winds that blow;
'Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales
Which decide the way to go.
Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate
As we voyage along through life;
'Tis the will of the soul
That decides its goal,
And not the calm or the strife.
FATHERS
"Dad," said a Bartlesville, Okla., kid to his father the other night,
"I want to go to the show tonight."
"A show at night is no place for a kid like you. You should be at home
in bed."
"But I peddled bills and have two tickets," said the kid, as he began
to sniffle.
"All right then," answered dad. "I will go with you to see that you
don't get into trouble."
Johnnie Jones was doing penance in the corner. Presently he thought
aloud pensively:
"I can't help it if I am not perfect," he sighed. "I have only heard
of one perfect boy in my whole life."
"Who was that?" his father asked, thinking to point out a moral.
"You," came the reply, plaintively, "when you were little."
_His Example_
There are little eyes upon you, and they're watching night and day;
There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say;
There are little hands all eager to do everything you do,
And a little boy that's dreaming of the day he'll be like you.
You're the little fellow's idol, you're the wisest of the wise;
In his little mind about you no suspicions ever rise;
He believes in you devoutly, holds that all you say and do
He will say and do in your way when he's grown up just like you.
Oh, it sometimes makes me shudder when I hear my boy repeat
Some careless phrase I've uttered in the language of the street;
And it sets my heart to grieving when some little fault I see
And I know beyond all doubting that he picked it up from me.
There's a wide-eyed little fellow who believes you're always right,
And his ears are always open and he watches day and night.
You are setting an example every day in all you do
For the little boy who's waiting to grow up to be like you.
"Now, there's some talk of a Father's Day."
"Oh, father doesn't want a day. Give him a night off."
"I was never so tired in my life. I've had a perfectly awful day. But
I got Father home safely, and that's something. It was his annual day
to be a boy again, to be a regular pal to me, as he likes to express
it. So I have been out in the woods with him.
"I inferred from his remarks when he invited me to go that he intended
to win my confidence and help me in my troubles. But by noon he had
broken his glasses, worn blisters on both heels, scraped his shins,
lost his new fishing reel, sunk a rowboat, scalded his mouth, burned
his bald spot in the sun and torn the seat out of his trousers, so
I think he must have postponed whatever he had to say of an intimate
nature.
"If writers and lecturers only knew the suffering they bring to
impressionable parents by goading them into trying to be their boys'
chums they certainly would cease their efforts out of sheer pity."
FAULTS
"Everybody has his faults," said Uncle Eben. "De principal difference
in folks is whether dey's sorry for 'em or proud of 'em."
It is so easy to find fault that self-respecting persons ought to be
ashamed to waste their energies in that way.
It only takes a few minutes to find in others the faults we can't
discover in ourselves in a lifetime.
A widely known Highland drover sold a horse to an Englishman.
A few days afterward the buyer returned to him.
"You said that horse had no faults."
"Well, no mair had he."
"He's nearly blind!" said the indignant Englishman.
"Why, mon, that's no' his fau't--that's his misfortune."
FEES
_See_ Tips.
FICTION
The husband was seeing his beloved wife off for a holiday. "Maggie,
dear," he said, "hadn't you better take some fiction with you to while
away the time?"
"Oh, no, George," she said, "you'll be sending me some letters."
FIGHTING
"Brudder Perkins, yo' been fightin', I heah," said the colored
minister.
"Yaas, Ah wuz."
"Doan yo' 'membeh whut de good book sez 'bout turnin' de odder cheek?"
"Yaas, pahson, but he hit me on mah nose, an' I'se only got one."
"Why do you look so sorrowful, Dennis?" asked one man of another.
"I just hear-r-d wan man call another man a liar, and the man that
was called a liar said the other man would have to apologize, or there
would be a fight."
"And why should that make you so sad?"
"The other man apologized."
"Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to fight."
"We couldn't help it, father."
"Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful discussion
of the matter, calling in the assistance of unprejudiced opinion, if
need be?"
"No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I could whip
him, and there was only one way to find out."
"So you've been fighting again! Didn't you stop and spell your names,
as I told you?"
"Y-yes; we did--but my name's Algernon Percival, an' his is
Jim!"--_Judge_.
FINANCE
"Dad," said little Reginald, "what is a bucket-shop?"
"A bucket-shop, my son," said the father, feelingly, "a bucket-shop
is a modern cooperage establishment to which a man takes a barrel and
brings back the bung-hole."--_Puck_.
"Dad," said the financier's son, running into his father's office,
"lend me six hundred."
"What for, my boy?"
"I've got a sure tip on the market."
"How much shall we make out of it?" asked the old man cautiously.
"A couple of hundred sure," replied the boy eagerly. "That's a hundred
each."
"Here's your hundred," said his father. "Let's consider that we have
made this deal and that it has succeeded. You make a hundred dollars
and I save five hundred."
_Higher Authority_
"Mr. Brown is outside," said the new office-boy. "Shall I show him
in?".
"Not on your life!" exclaimed the junior partner. "I owe him ten
dollars."
"Show him in," calmly said the senior member of the firm. "He owes me
twenty-five."
BUSINESS MAN (explaining)--"When they say 'money is easy,' they mean
simply that the supply is greater than the demand."
HIS WIFE--"Goodness! I shouldn't think such a thing possible."
SMITHSON--"Do you know that Noah was the greatest financier that ever
lived?"
DIBBS--"How do you make that out?"
SMITHSON--"Well, he was able to float a company when the whole world
was in liquidation."
"This car cost me thirty-five hundred dollars, Blathers, but I'll
let you have it for two thousand, eh? It's a clean gift of fifteen
hundred," said Bolivar. "Eh, what do you say?"
"No," said Blathers, "I can't do that; but suppose you give me five
hundred dollars and keep the car, eh? Clean saving of a thousand, eh?
What?"
The present financial situation gives the lie to the old adage that
Exchange is no robbery.
The man who had made a huge fortune was speaking a few words to a
number of students at a business class. Of course, the main theme of
his address was himself.
"All my success in life, all my tremendous financial prestige," he
said proudly, "I owe to one thing alone--pluck, pluck, pluck!"
He made an impressive pause here but the effect was ruined by one
student, who asked impressively:
"Yes, sir; but how are we to find the right people to pluck?"
A young New Haven man, returning home from a health trip to Colorado,
told his father about buying a silver mine for $3,000. "I knew they'd
rope you in!" exclaimed the old man. "So you were ass enough to buy a
humbug mine."
"Yes, but I didn't lose anything. I formed a company, and sold half
the stock to a Connecticut man for $7,000."
"Y-you did," gasped the old man as he turned white, "I'll bet I'm the
one who bought it."
"I know you are," coolly observed the young man as he crossed his legs
and tried to appear very much at home.
FISH
The teacher asked, "Who can tell me what an oyster is?"
A small hand, gesticulating violently, shot up into the air, and a
shrill voice called out. "I know; I can tell, teacher!"
"Well, Bobby," said the teacher, "you may tell us what an oyster is."
"An oyster," triumphantly answered Bobby, "is a fish built like a
nut!"
"Dinah, did you wash the fish before you baked it?"
"Law, ma'am, what's de use ob washin' er fish what's lived all his
life in de water?"
"Ma'am, here's a man at the door with a parcel for you."
"What is it, Bridget?"
"It's a fish, ma'am, and it's marked C.O.D."
"Then make the man take it back to the dealer. I ordered trout."
FISHERMEN
"I say, Gadsby," said Mr. Smith, as he entered a fishmonger's with a
lot of tackle in his hand, "I want you to give me some fish to take
home with me. Put them up to look as if they'd been caught today, will
you?"
"Certainly, sir. How many?"
"Oh, you'd better give me three or four--mackerel. Make it look decent
in quantity without appearing to exaggerate, you know."
"Yes, sir. You'd better take salmon, tho."
"Why? What makes you think so?"
"Oh, nothing, except that your wife was here early this morning and
said if you dropped in with your fishing-tackle I was to persuade you
to take salmon, if possible, as she liked that kind better than any
other."
BELLEVILLE--"Is Glenshaw getting ready for the fishing season?"
BUTLER--"Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for his camera."
A returned vacationist tells us that he was fishing in a pond one
day when a country boy who had been watching him from a distance
approached him and asked. "How many fish yer got, mister?"
"None yet," he was told.
"Well, yer ain't doin' so bad," said the youngster. "I know a feller
what fished here for two weeks an' he didn't get any more than you got
in half an hour."
Jock MacTavish and two English friends went out on the loch on a
fishing-trip, and it was agreed that the first man to catch a fish
should later stand treat at the inn. As MacTavish was known to be the
best fisherman thereabouts, his friends took considerable delight in
assuring him that he had as good as lost already.
"An', d'ye ken," said Jock, in speaking of it afterward, "baith o'
them had a guid bite, an' wis sae mean they wadna' pu in."
"Then you lost?" asked the listener.
"Oh, no. I didna' pit ony bait on my hook."
FISHING
UNLUCKY FISHERMAN--"Boy, will you sell that big string of fish you are
carrying?"
BOY--"No, but I'll take yer pitcher holdin' it fer fifty
cents."--_Judge_.
Two small boys went fishing and while one of them was having good
luck, the other didn't even get a bite. The unlucky lad silently
began to make preparation for departure. "Aw, wait a while," urged the
other. "You might be lucky if you keep at it."
"There ain't no use," was the disgusted reply, "my darned worm ain't
tryin'."
"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "goes fishin' not so much foh de sake of
de fish as foh de chance to loaf without bein' noticed."
FLATTERY
The man who is not injured by flattery is as hard to find as the one
who is improved by criticism.
Flattery is a sort of moral peroxide--it turns many a woman's head.
"Oi hate flattery," said O'Brien the other day. "Flattery makes ye
think ye are betther than ye are, an' no man livin' can iver be that."
THE CONVERSATIONALIST (to well-known author)--"I'm so delighted to
meet you! It was only the other day I saw something of yours, about
something or other, in some magazine."
WILBUR (indicating a couple in the background)--"Funny that such a
stunning-looking woman should marry such a dub as that."
FLATTE--"Well, I don't know. No accounting for those things. Now, you
take your wife--she's a ripper."--_Life_.
The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all her
attributes.
"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret," said
Bob, one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her in
laughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I had some copper-toed
ones like yours."
A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady's train had
the presence of mind to remark:
"Tho I may not have the power to draw an angel from the skies, I have
pinned one to the earth." The lady excused him.
"Sir," said the angry woman, "I understand you said I had a face that
would stop a street-car in the middle of the block."
"Yes, that's what I said," calmly answered the mere man.
"It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make a
stop like that."
FOOD
DINER--"See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the half
shell?"
WAITER--"Don't get impatient, sah. We're dreffle short on shells; but
you're next, sah."
During a particularly nasty dust-storm at one of the camps a recruit
ventured to seek shelter in the sacred precincts of the cook's domain.
After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the cook:
"If you'd put the lid on that camp-kettle you would not get so much of
the dust in your soup."
The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: "See here,
me lad. Your business is to serve your country."
"Yes," interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it."
It was a small café and the customer overheard this from the waiter:
"Don't throw that toast into the alley, chef. I gotta customer for a
club sandwich."
WAITER--"And will you take the macaroni au gratin, sir?"
OFFICER--"No macaroni-by gad! It's too doocid difficult to mobilize."
The second course of the table d'hote was being served.
"What is this leathery stuff?" demanded the diner.
"That, sir, is filet of sole," replied the waiter.
"Take it away," said the diner, "and see if you can't get me a nice,
tender piece from the upper part of the boot."
The new boarder sniffed at the contents of his coffee-cup and set it
down.
"Well," queried the landlady in a peevish tone, "have you anything to
say against the coffee?"
"Not a word," he answered. "I never speak ill of the absent."
An attendant entered carrying a thin red object.
"Did any patient order a postage stamp?"
"Maybe," said one feebly, "that's my mutton chop rare."
"Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the dinner
table.
"No," said his father; "what makes you ask a question like that while
we are eating?"
"You had one on your lettuce, but it's gone now," replied Tommy.
FOOD CONSERVATION
"Well, Ezri, how'd jer make out with yer boarders this year?"
"Fine! Best season I ever had. There was seven, all told--three
couples in love an' a dyspeptic."--_Life_.
The boarders were dropping hints as to the kind of dinner they'd like
to have on Christmas Day. But the landlady was astute. "What's
the difference," she asked the solemn man at the end of the table,
"between a turkey dinner and a mess of stewed prunes?"
"I don't know," he answered, suspicious of some entangling conundrum.
"Does nobody know?" she asked, looking round the table.
They all professed ignorance. "In that case," she said, "I may as well
serve prunes at Christmas and save money."
FOOLS
"Did you really call this gentleman an old fool last night?" asked the
judge.
The prisoner tried hard to collect his thoughts.
"Well, the more I look at him, the more likely it seems that I did,"
he replied.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.--_Cowper_.
Fools, to talking ever prone,
Are sure to make their follies known.
--_Gay_.
He explained it clearly to her: "Wise men hesitate, you see. None but
fools will say they're certain."
"Are you sure of that?" said she.
"Yes," he answered, "I am certain--certain as can be of that"
Then he wondered just what she was laughing at.
Two Hebrews went in business together in a small town, and one went
to New York to buy the goods, while the other stayed at home. The one
that stayed at home got the bills a few days after his partner was
in New York. The bills came as follows: "24 doz. neckwear and 8 doz.
ditto; 24 suits and 4 ditto; 18 pants and 12 ditto." This ditto part
bothered the one at home and he telegraphed his brother to come home.
When his brother arrived he showed him the bills and said:
"Vat do it mean you shall buy ditto for a closing (clothing)
business?"
His brother said: "I buy ditto?"
"Yes, here's de bills."
"Vell, dey stuck me in New York."
So he returned to New York and found that ditto meant the same. He
came back home, and his brother meeting him at the depot said:
"Vell, Abie, did you find out vat ditto is?"
And Abie said: "Yes, I find out vat a ditto is--I'm a d--m fool and
you're a ditto."
RAYMOND--"What the deuce do you mean by telling Joan that I am a
fool?"
GEORGE--"Heavens! I'm sorry--was it a secret?"
Fools never understand people of wit.--_Vauvenargues_.
LEA--"I wonder if Professor Kidder meant anything by it?"
PERKINS--"By what?"
LEA--"He advertised a lecture on 'Fools,' and when I bought a ticket
it was marked 'Admit one.'"
FORDS
"So you bought one of those automobiles they tell so many funny
stories about?"
"Yes," replied Mr. Chuggins. "And it is saving me a lot of trouble and
wear and tear. When your friends tell you jokes about your car they
don't expect you to ask them to ride in it."
_If--With Apologies to Kipling_
If you can keep your Ford when those about you are selling theirs
and buying Cadillacs; if you can just be tickled all to pieces when
notified to pay your license-tax; if you can feel a quiet sense of
pleasure when driving on a rough and hilly road, and never move a
muscle of your visage when underneath you hear a tire explode; if you
can plan a pleasant week-end journey and tinker at your car a day or
so, then thrill with joy on that eventful morning to find no skill of
yours can make it go; if you can gather up your wife and children, put
on your glad rags, and start off for church, then have to wade around
in greasy gearings and spoil the best of all your stock of shirts,
yet through it all maintain that sweet composure, that gentle calm
befitting such events; if you can sound a bugle-note of triumph when
steering straight against a picket-fence; if you can keep your temper,
tongue, and balance when on your back beneath your car you pose, and,
struggling there to fix a balky cog-wheel, you drop a monkey-wrench
across your nose; if you can smile as gasoline goes higher, and sing
a song because your motor faints--your place is not with common erring
mortals; your home is over there among the saints!--_J. Edward Tufft_.
It is admittedly difficult to recover a lost flivver. But the best
suggestion comes from our own Mrs. Eckstrom, who advises an ad.:
"Lizzie, come home; all is forgiven."
"Why are school-teachers like Ford cars?"
"Because they give the most service for the least money."--_Life_.
"Yes, indeed," argues the Ford salesman, "this little car is a great
investment. You put a few dollars into a Ford and right away it runs
into thousands."
A flivver in Newton, Kan., broke the arms of four persons who
attempted to crank it in less than a week. That's what comes of
crossing a bicycle with a mule.
Lew McCall says that motorists who come through Columbus en route for
Kansas City have about the following conversations when they stop at
the filling station here:
If it's a Cadillac, the driver says: "How far is it to Kansas City?"
"One hundred forty miles," is the reply. "Gimme twenty gallons of
gas and a gallon of oil," says the driver. Then comes a Buick and the
chauffeur says: "How far is it to Kansas City?" "One hundred forty
miles." "Gimme ten gallons of gas and a half-gallon of oil." and he
drives on. Along comes a flivver and the driver uncranks himself,
gets out and stretches, and asks: "How far is it to Kansas City?"
"Oh, about one hundred forty miles." "Is that all? Gimme two quarts of
water and a bottle of 3 in 1, and hold this son-of-a-gun until I get
in."
Possibly the apex of sarcasm or something was reached the other day
when Jones took his flivver to a repair shop and asked the man there
what was the best thing to do with it.
The repair-man looked the car over in silence for several minutes,
after which he grasped the horn and tooted it. "You've a good horn
there," he remarked, quietly. "Suppose you jack it up and run a new
car under it?"
A Gentleman who was visiting his lawyer for the purpose of making his
will, insisted that a final request be attached to the document. The
request was, that his Ford car be buried with him after he died. His
lawyer tried to make him see how absurd this was, but failed, so he
asked the gentleman's wife to use her influence with him. She did the
best she could, but she also failed.
"Well, John," she said finally, "tell me _why_ you want your Ford car
buried with you?"
"Because I have never gotten into a hole yet but what my Ford could
pull me out," was the reply.
Young lady on a country road in a Ford car which has bucked and
refuses to move, asks a farmer who is plowing in an adjoining
field--"Do you know anything about a Ford?"
"Nope--nuthin' except a lot of stories, ma'am--giddap."
FOREIGNERS
TEACHER--"Who was the first man?"
HEAD SCHOLAR--"Washington; he was first in war, first in--"
TEACHER--"No, no; Adam was the first man."
HEAD SCHOLAR-"Oh! if you're talking of foreigners, I s'pose he was."
FORESIGHT
"Are you going to pay any attention to these epithets that are being
hurled at you?"
"Yes, indeed," answered Senator Sorghum. "I'm having them all
carefully copied and filed away. I may need them when it comes my turn
to call names."
"Now, then, my hearties," said the gallant captain, "you have a tough
battle before you. Fight like heroes till your powder is gone; then
run. I'm a little lame, and I'll start now."
FORGETFULNESS
_See_ Memory.
FORTUNE HUNTERS
"This bill was innocent on its face, but beneath there lurked a most
sinister significance."
The speaker, Senator Clarke, was discussing in Little Rock a measure
of which he disapproved.
"The bill reminded me, in fact," he said, "of a Little Rock, urchin's
question. His question, innocent enough in appearance, dear knows, was
this:
"'Would you mind making a noise like a frog, uncle?'"
"'And why,' said the uncle, with an amused smile, 'why, Tommy, do you
desire me to make a noise like a frog?'"
"'Because,' replied the urchin, 'whenever I ask daddy to buy me
anything he always says, 'Wait till your uncle croaks.'"
"Here's poetic justice for you. One of these oil-stock promoters
married a woman for her money."
"Yes?"
"Only to discover that she had invested it all in his oil stock."
"I wanted the gold, and I sought it;
I scrabbled and munched like a slave.
Was it famine or scurvy--I fought it;
I hurled my youth into the grave.
"I wanted the gold and I got it--
Came out with a fortune last fall--
Yet somehow life's not what I thought it,
And somehow the gold isn't all."
--_George Matthew Adams_.
"Mamma," said the Young Thing, "I want you to stop forcing me into Mr.
Gottit's company all the time. People are talking."
"But, my dear," protested the Solicitous Lady, "he is a wonderful
catch!"
"He may be, Mamma, but if you keep on thinking you are pitcher, he'll
get onto your curves and throw the game."
EDITH--"I think Jack is horrid. I asked him if he had to choose
between me and a million which he would take, and he said the
million."
MARIE--"That's all right. He knew if he had the million you'd be
easy,"
FOUNTAIN PENS
"Why do they call 'em fountain pens? I should say reservoir pen would
be the better name. A reservoir contains liquids; a fountain throws
'em around."
"I think fountain pen is the proper name," said the party of the
second part.
FRANKLIN