IN WHICH IS RECORDED A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN
STRETCHER, TICKLER, AND THE GENERAL, AND WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THE
STATE OF THE NATION.
MR. STRETCHER entered the general's room with his head canted toward
his left shoulder, his countenance wearing an air of great wisdom,
his hat in his left hand, and the fingers of his right to his beard.
"I take the liberty of introducing myself, sir," he spoke, and bowed
with becoming courtesy. "Ben Stretcher, that is my name, which,
perhaps, is familiar enough to you, being so well known in
Washington."
"Lord bless me! why, the name is familiar enough, God knows; and
it'll not be sayin' much to tell you that my own name is Orlando
Tickler, a critic who has fame enough in New York, and of whom I
take it you have heard mention."
"Permit me to say, sir, that I am truly happy to meet one so
distinguished. As for the name, a household word was never more
familiar to me." They now shook each other warmly by the hand, and
after exchanging numerous compliments, took seats, and commenced to
converse freely upon various subjects connected with the affairs of
the Union. And when they were agreed exactly as to its disorders,
and had fifty different remedies they were ready to apply whenever
the nation demanded their services, Mr. Stretcher said to Mr.
Tickler, "And now, sir, as I am a man fond of rendering service to
persons in need, I am come (according to the rules of courtesy) to
pay my respects to the general, of whom it is reported that he is
come to Washington in search of an important mission. It gives me
infinite pleasure, however, to meet his secretary. Now I would
suggest to the general that I may be of great service to him, for I
am a correspondent of not less than five newspapers, and can make
the Administration do my bidding."
"Faith," ejaculatated Mr. Tickler, in reply, "I am glad enough to
hear what you say, for my master has need enough of your services to
get the mission; and I may tell you in confidence that I have much
cause of despairing, for although I know but little of my master,
except what I get through the newspapers, I already begin to see
that he is simpleton enough for anything, and no little of a knave."
"You astonish me!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher, thoughtfully.
"Faith of my father," resumed Tickler, folding his arms, "I see
nothing to be astonished at, for I take it any simpleton may set up
for a statesman, and if he have but a fair mixture of the knave to
throw in, he may carry the gifts of the government in his breeches
pockets; also, if the devil do not carry him off in one of his
pranks, he will no doubt distinguish himself as a foreign minister."
Here Mr. Tickler paused for a moment, and then bid the gentleman of
the five newspapers, and all the administration, to remember that
these remarks were made in confidence.
"I confess, Mr. Tickler," replied Mr. Stretcher, "I admire your
plain manner of speech. But you surprise and astonish me with what
you say of the soundness of the general's understanding. In truth,
sir, though I know something of the arts practiced by editors in
making famous politicians, I had read a speech or two made by the
general and upon the wisdom therein contained set him down for a
profound scholar, and no small statesman. However, this I will say,
and pledge my reputation on the truth of it, that if he be no
scholar, but simply an unmitigated mixture of Jew and simpleton, it
will rather improve than damage his prospects for the best foreign
mission in the gift of the government. Do not mistake me, sir; for I
would not say a damaging word of our excellent President, whose too
great goodness of heart may account for his lack of discretion; but
he has a passion for bestowing gifts on Jews and simpletons, of
which history affords no example!"
"Faith of my father! if that be the case, then my master will get as
fat a slice as any of them," rejoined Tickler, rising from his seat
with regained spirits, and grasping the other warmly by the hand.
"And now, seeing that we fellow kindred professions, we will be free
in our advances, and settle this matter over a punch." Mr. Tickler
rang the bell, and when the servant appeared, ordered two stout
punches. Having exchanged compliments, and commenced sipping at
their straws, Mr. Tickler touched the man of the newspapers
confidentially on the arm, and whispered in his ear, that not having
a dollar to his pocket, he began to think General Roger Potter, as
he was called, had brought him to a whistling market, on a fool's
errand. "Honestly, friend," he continued, "I was when you entered
thinking how best to escape the landlord, for I see he is a sharp
fellow; and this paying two dollars and three quarters a day is a
thing not so easily done with an empty pocket."
"A very common thing, a very common thing, Mr. Tickler; and though
the wits of the landlord are sharp enough, it is no rare thing for
him to get shorn by those who seek meat-offerings of the
government."
Here Tickler's mind seemed to run back to a subject upon which it
was wont to dwell-the style of his dress. And, throwing himself back
in his chair, he raised his right foot upon his left knee, and
inquired of Mr. Stretcher how he liked the style of his boots, which
were of the brightest leather, and so tight that when he walked, it
was with the caution of one stepping upon eggs, and in fear of
having to pay for the broken ones. Stretcher expressed himself
delighted. In truth, he was not long in discerning the critic's
little weaknesses; and to the end of flattering them, told him that
he was in every particular of dress, the most stylish gentleman it
had been his good fortune to meet for many a day. And this so
pleased Mr. Tickler, that he would have ordered a second punch, but
that the adept declared it was a custom with him never to drink more
than one, not even with his oldest friends.
And though Stretcher drank his punch freely enough, he was somewhat
disappointed at the developments made by the critic concerning his
master. As for the secretary, he set him down in his heart as not
only a curious specimen of pedantry, but the most fashionable poor
gentleman he had ever seen in search of office; and heaven knows he
had seen enough of them.
"It is said of the general," spoke Stretcher, laconically, as he set
down his glass and commenced to stroke his beard, "that he has means
enough at his command!"
"Upon my faith I know but little of his means, except that I have
seen him with a purse full of gold, which is saying something for
his means. And he pays readily enough for all he gets, which is
more."
Mr. Tickler said this with such an air of self-confidence, that
Stretcher immediately began to exhibit signs of anxiety, and was
proceeding to make further inquiries, when the door opened and
General Roger Potter stalked in, quite out of breath from the excess
of heat. Mr. Tickler having drained his punch to the bottom,
proceeded without further ceremony to introduce Mr. Stretcher,
undertaking at the same time to give the general an account of his
business, as also the wonderful influence he had over the various
heads of departments. The general expressed great delight at meeting
so influential a gentleman; and seeing that he had the government
between his thumbs, at once intimated a desire to engage his
services. Not to be outdone in courtesy, Mr. Stretcher expressed
great delight at meeting so distinguished a General. "It would
neither become me, nor the profession to which I belong to speak of
myself; for though I have gained fame enough in politics, my
military reputation stands so high with the nation that no man can
take it down," spoke the general.
"For that matter you speak true enough, Sir," replied Mr. Stretcher,
smiling and bowing blandly; "and, as I was just saying to your
secretary, you have served the party like a patriot, and deserve
well of the government. If it is an office you seek, why, you have
only to name it, and I warrant it shall be safe in your pocket in
forty-eight hours."
"Since you are capable of such extraordinary achievements, upon my
soul, sir, you are just the man for my business."
"I can tell you, general, no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he
ever betrayed his trust; no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he
cannot twist the government round his thumbs; and no man can say of
Ben Stretcher that he artfully connived at doing wrong; for he knows
his thread of life has not long to run. Truly, sir, though many a
man has tried hard enough to bring me down to his own level, not one
has yet been found to raise his finger against my honor; and if you
engage my services, I warrant to give you proof enough of my
qualifications."
The general listened attentively to the adept's remarks, and after a
short pause, spoke and said, "And now, sir, seeing that you have
sufficient endowments for my business, before proceeding further in
this matter we will have a punch; for that will soften the heart,
and at the same time give such light to the mind, as will enable us
to talk the matter over pleasantly."
After turning to Mr. Tickler and apologizing for having declined a
second punch with him, he then made his compliments to the general,
saying that as the occasion was a rare one he would make an
exception to what was otherwise a firmly established principle with
him.
"Faith," interposed Mr. Tickler, on hearing the punch suggested,
"you both talk like men of the world and scholars; for a punch is a
mighty potent in matters of this kind."
The punches were up in a trice; and while Mr. Stretcher and the
general debated their affairs over them, Mr. Tickler quietly sipped
his in the corner.
"To be honest with you," spoke the general, addressing Mr.
Stretcher, "I am come here in the hope of getting a reward for my
services, which is no uncommon thing; and as I take it there are
many worse men than me serving the country, I flatter myself I stand
a fair chance, seeing that my expectations are neither extravagant
nor unwise. I am also of opinion that a man should think more of his
country and less of his pocket; and to that end it will content me
to be sent a commissioner to the King of the Kaloramas, though it
would be natural enough not to refuse the mission to the Tuilleries.
As for the secretaries, I have paid my respects to the whole batch;
and though they are willing enough to say good things of me, and to
extol my political achievements, they say pleasantly enough that the
commonwealth could not do without me, and, therefore, that I must
stay quietly at home. In short, they tell me that only such talent
as is worthless at home can be spared to go abroad. The president I
found a most excellent gentleman, ready to gratify my wishes, and to
give me at least six of the seven missions in his gift. In truth, I
found him a person ready to please in various ways, and take it that
he has a liking for adorers, such as have little scruple in
lavishing praise upon his well regulated government, the solidity of
which, it is well enough to say, he has raised a pitch higher than
any of his predecessors."
"You have it, exactly!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher. "He is possessed
of wonderful faith; and if you want a favor of him you have only to
ply him with such toys and trinkets as you have named to secure it.
If, however, (and I take what you say for truth,) you are patient
enough to be content with a commissionship to the King of the
Kaloramas, there will be no more trouble about the matter than the
making of a bird cage."
"Ah, sir! but how am I to reward you for your services? for a man is
not expected to be a philanthropist in these matters, and my wife
Polly Potter always said it was cheaper that a man pays for what he
gets," returned the general. The adept charged the general to give
himself no concern about that little matter, but merely to set it
down for an after consideration. And to this they both agreed, and
emptied their punches in the full belief that they were
all-bountiful in the power of constructing commonwealths and
managing governments. "Faith, it is just come to my mind that the
president good-naturedly advised me to forthwith transmit my
application in writing to the State Department," spoke the general,
as if just waking to a sense of his obligations. To this Stretcher
said nothing was more essential, and as much depended on the style
and wording of the application (at which he had experienced enough),
he enjoined the general to delay this matter until the following
morning, when he would arrange it to his liking. Mr. Stretcher then
took his leave, consoling himself that he had got a fleece of great
value. And now as the limits of my chapter are exhausted, I must beg
the reader to turn to the next for what took place on the following
morning.