GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE IN WASHINGTON, TO THE
NO SMALL ALARM OF CERTAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS.
THE general arose on the following morning before the sparrows were
up; and as he had ordered the landlord to have his bill forthcoming,
he found it duly laid on his table, with a balance so ponderous that
he commenced comparing it with the contents of his purse, without at
first being able to comprehend the process that had found him thus
involved. At length he discovered that although the city fathers had
discharged a certain amount of the bill, out of respect of his being
the guest of the city, they had ordered refreshments, (such as wines
and suppers,) at his expense, and to such an extent as to make it
quite clear that he would have saved at least one hundred dollars
had he never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cunning
fellows took very good care never to honor a guest without making
him pay dear enough for it. But he had enough to square the bill,
and something left; and he would have the landlord know that he was
none of your shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays their
debts with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air of
wealth that completely won the landlord's confidence, (for he had
previously entertained no few fears of his bill.) Beside,
circumstances made it necessary for him to leave old Battle until
his return, for which he had stipulated with Glanmoregain, which was
to him a grievous affliction. In truth, General Potter, disordered
as his wits were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard in
every emergency.
And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drapery over the
eastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his journey, Mr. Tickler,
panting for breath, and evidently alarmed at something he could not
clearly define, made his appearance, bearing a single valise.
"Faith, sir," he stammered, "I'm right glad to see you ready, for it
seemed to me that no less than twenty sheriffs and all my creditors
were at my heels."
"Pray, sir, be not so nervous," replied the general, "for your
life's your own."
"That may be all true," rejoined the critic; "but let us leave the
argument until we have got safe out of the city, for my conscience
tells me that he who slips his creditors had better be sure of his
heels."
The two now slipped as slyly as possible to the carriage, and
without stopping to take leave of any one but the landlord, took
their departure for the Camden and Amboy station, Tickler looking
back, and thanking his stars that he had got clear of his creditors.
And as they were pursuing their journey to Philadelphia, Tickler
turned to the general, saying:
"Though I may have violated the laws of friendship in this little
matter between me and my landlady, I at least breathe freer, and
know that I am an honest man. But! heaven save me, sir, if we should
get shivered to splinters on this road, (which I am told is one
celebrated for the dexterity with which it performs such acts,) what
would be said of me by my enemies, for I have enough, and many of
them are as good critics as can be found!"
"Have a care for your friends, Mr. Tickler-have a care for your
friends; and let not fear of your enemies carry away your judgment.
Example after me; meet your enemies with sword and pistol, and
settle the matter as becomes gentlemen. Honestly, friend Tickler, I
hold it better a man shut his ears to the sayings of his enemies,
for if they spit him to-day, the praises of his friends will offset
it to-morrow."
They now continued their journey, and without serious accident or
hinderance of any kind, arrived in Washington before sunset, and
proceeded directly to "Willard's Hotel," that being not only the
most fashionable, but the house at which distinguished politicians
and military men of quality registered their names, though the host
was neither celebrated for his courtesy, nor the politeness of his
servants, nor the excellence of his table.
"I am General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger
Potter, of whose fame, I take it, you have heard enough said in the
newspapers," spoke the general, addressing a tall, dark
complexioned, and lean visaged man, who was no less a person than
the landlord. After casting a scrutinizing glance at the amount of
baggage his guests had, as was customary with him, (sharpers had
more than once assumed the title of general,) for it was not
considered polite to present a bill until the end of the week, the
landlord replied by saying in a tone of indifference:
"As to that, sir, perhaps I have, and perhaps I have not; it is not
quite clear to my mind at this moment. It is a difficult matter for
men of our profession to distinguish between generals." The landlord
smiled, and continued his glances up and down the figure before him,
as if contemplating his stupendous belly, as contrasted with the
shape of his turnip head.
"Heavens! Mr. Landlord, just jog your memory, and see if you don't
find in it a recollection of the ceremonies that have attended me on
my journey here," ejaculated the general, not a little crest-fallen
that the host of so popular an inn had no knowledge of one who had
made himself so famous in politics.
In fine, the landlord, sharp sighted as he was, puzzled his wits not
a little to find out what manner of men his guests were, for he had
never in his life met so crude a general, with a secretary so
fashionable. The general, however, happened to finger his purse,
which contained several gold coin, the color of which proved an
excellent panacea with the landlord, whose courtesy now knew no
bounds. In truth, he ordered them the best double bedded room in his
second story; and from being somewhat taciturn, was now ready to
vouchsafe a smile and ready reply to all the general's questions,
which were not a few. He then invited them to write their names in
his register, which service the general said he would leave to his
secretary, Mr. Tickler, who performed it with great skill, nor
forgot to add the title, which he fancied would secure them superior
attentions.
And now, while these preliminaries were performing, numerous
fashionably dressed, but seemingly idle men, gathered about the
general, viewing him with a feeling divided between curiosity and
suspicion. Several military men, too, who prided themselves not a
little on their West Point reputation, cast sneers at him, saying he
could not be much of a general since he had not even heard the drum
beat at the Point. Others said it were impossible so punch bellied a
man could endure the fatigues of war, especially when mounted; while
still others declared he would pass readily for a fool, if, indeed,
he was not one of those sham generals of whom New England had an
infinite number. The whole mob of military men, in fact, affected to
regard him with contempt, and would have prayed Heaven to be rid of
all such intruders, notwithstanding they traveled with secretaries.
But there was in Washington another, and, perhaps, not less
influential class of men, who took a very different view of the
general, and, before he had been three days in the city, sought by
various impertinent questions to ascertain the object of his visit,
which they professed to have the power to advance. And these men
were lobby agents, correspondents of newspapers, and adepts at all
sorts of schemes for plundering the treasury, which they represented
as a very soft-sided concern, and so easy of access that it only
required a man of undaunted courage to make a breach in it.
Correspondents of newspapers swore by their honor, which was the
cheapest thing they possessed, that if he had a project before
Congress, they could "get it through for him just as easy as the
turning of a mill wheel." Indeed if their declarations were worthy
of reliance, they could make any man famous for a trifle; and as for
members of Congress, they had but to praise them in their epistles
to secure their votes in getting a scheme through. I have never been
set down for a malicious writer; but as these gentlemen
correspondents would have you believe, they had the nation and
Congress in their breeches pockets, I may say, without fear of
contradiction, that the devil never projected a scheme they were not
ready to aid, and equally ready to crook their palms for the trifle
that made it a virtue with them. In fine, I am not so sure that they
would not have enjoined the whole calendar of saints to come forth
and bear testimony to their honesty, though they were abetting a
dozen dishonest schemes.
The cunning fellows also produced papers containing dispatches
setting forth that General Roger Potter and his secretary had
arrived, and taken rooms at Willard's. One more daring than the
rest, said right in the teeth of truth, that it was reported in
diplomatic circles that General Potter would receive an important
mission as his reward for the great services he had rendered the
democratic party. Finally, after informing the nation, (which they
fancied was as deeply interested as themselves,) that General Roger
Potter's visit to Washington was connected with as many as forty
different things, they came to the very convenient conclusion that
he was really come to ask of Congress compensation for extraordinary
services rendered the government by his dead ancestor, (living ones
he had none,) during the war of 1812, such being very common at this
day. And as nothing could be more fatal to a claim before Congress
than the fact that it was founded in honesty, the lobby screw would
swear by his ability to get all fictitious ones through. This was
the result of that indifference among Congressmen which makes the
distinction between justice and fraud something too insignificant to
waste time over.
The general declared with all his power of persuasion that he had no
claim before Congress; and Tickler was ready to swear to the truth
of what he said. But divers lobby men and correspondents refused to
be convinced; and after putting an infinite number of questions to
him, swore they would take it up, regardless of its character, and
"rush it through" Congress for twenty five per cent.
It ought to be mentioned here that the "correspondent" esteems
himself a much more respectable gentleman than the "lobby agent,"
whom he affects to hold in virtuous contempt. More than once was the
general warned by these facile gentlemen of the press, not to have
anything to do with the vagabonds of the lobby, who, though they
gave it out that they had Congress between their thumbs, and could
double it up, and mould it exactly to their liking, were regarded by
every member honest enough not to crook his palm more than once
during the session, as so many buzzards resolved on having carrion.
The general had, however, been advised by Glanmoregain to slip a
trifle into the palms of certain correspondents, to the end that
their praise could do no harm, and might do much good.
Now there was living in Washington about this time, one Ben
Stretcher, a man of wonderful genius, and a correspondent of no less
than five very enterprising newspapers, for all of which he
manufactured wars and diplomatic irruptions with a facility that
would have put Lord Stratford de Radcliffe to the blush. Stretcher
knew everbody in Washington, and everybody in Washington knew
Stretcher. If an enterprising gentleman came to Washington with the
very harmless and common inclination of plucking the government,
Stretcher was sure to make his acquaintance, and equally sure to
find out what feathers he had, and how best they could be plucked.
Wearing his beard after the manner of an apostle, and having a
countenance into which he could infuse an air of great wisdom, Ben
was sure to insinuate himself into the good graces of every new
comer, to whom he would confide all the secrets of the government,
which he carried about on his head, as a negro does a basket of
apples. His skill at manufacturing state secrets was, however,
equaled only by his skill for finding out state secrets. The
President never acted on important state affairs without first
consulting him. As to cabinet ministers, he was not only the
intimate friend and adviser of the whole batch, but swore he had
them all so completely at his bidding, (being called on frequently
to rectify their blunders,) that no foreign appointment could be
made without his consent. Indeed, Ben Stretcher never failed to
assert, while drinking his punch, that nothing was mo re easy than
to double up Congress, Administration, Cabinet, and the whole mob of
office givers, put them in one's pocket, and walk quietly off. Ben's
greatest wisdom was, however, displayed to great advantage in the
facility with which he gave to the country matters of grave
importance that were to be transacted at various cabinet meetings in
prospective. In truth, he often made the government cut a sorry
figure in the eyes of those not familiar with the art of making
state secrets; for being "especial" correspondent of the numerous
enterprising newspapers I have referred to, he will to-day frighten
the country with an "exclusive" dispatch to the Daily Discoverer,
revealing the momentous fact (?) that a war with England was
inevitable; while with equal grandeur of equanimity, he will
to-morrow assert that there is not the slightest cause to fear "a
disturbance of the friendly intercourse now existing between this
country and Great Britain." And these wonderful prophecies, together
with extraordinary state secrets, he would vary every day, according
to the demands of the public and his own taste. Lucky, indeed, were
the journals having Ben Stretcher or a getter up of "startling"
news, and many were they who sought to engage his services. It was,
nevertheless, curious to see how Ben, smiling within himself, would,
in a third dispatch, assert that all his prophecies had been
verified, though, heaven knows, he was generally as far off the
truth as the poles are from the equator.
In order not to lose time in paying his respects to so distinguished
a general, and a gentleman who, no doubt, had important business
with Congress, where his services might find employment, Ben took
the earliest opportunity to make a formal call one day; but finding
only Mr. Tickler at home, he relieved his disappointment in a
colloquy, which will be recorded in the next chapter.