WHICH RECORDS THE SINGULAR CHARACTER OF THE APPLICATION MADE BY
GENERAL ROGER POTTER FOR AN OFFICE, AND HOW HE IS SENT MINISTER TO
THE KING OF THE KALORAMAS, THAT BEING THE EASIEST METHOD OF GETTING
RID OF HIM.
STRETCHER, after having looked in at the State Department, where he
extolled the qualifications of General Roger Potter in language that
would have astonished Cicero and put Lycurgus to the blush, busied
himself the greater portion of the night in preparing the general's
application for the mission to the King of the Kaloramas, a nation
of savages few had heard of, and yet fewer visited. In short, I may
mention here that the only benefit the government expected to derive
from going to the great expense of sending a minister to Kalorama
was that the savage, whom divers renegades had set up for a King,
might have a guano island or two, which by some well-directed trick
could be fritted away from him; while, having impressed him with the
greatness of our prowess, he would hold it good policy to keep his
peace. With a ponderous document, then, covering some forty pages of
foolscap, and minutely setting forth all the great political results
achieved by the general, and upon which he based his claims to the
high consideration of the administration, Mr. Stretcher, not a
little vain of his skill in drafting such instruments, entered the
general's room early on the following morning, and found him in
consultation with his Secretary, who was writing a letter to the
Secretary of State, of which the following is an exact copy:-
"Willard's Hotel, July 7th, 185-. "TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE SECRETARY
OF STATE:
"Being informed by my friend, the President of these United States,
who has given me no few assurances of his inclination to serve me,
that it was to you all those in search of rewards for their
endeavors must address themselves, I take it you will not set me
down for a maker of wheel-barrows when you read this, my application
for the mission to the King of Kalorama, which God knows is but a
trifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for the man
who is ready to die honest, and has no itching for what money he may
get of his country. As to my qualifications, I take it you know
enough of them already. But this I will say, that I am not a man to
betray a trust, nor am I trickey; which is more than all of your
ministers can say of themselves! In short, if your excellency would
know all about that, I can refer you to Barnstable, where I am set
down for a peaceable neighbor and as good a Christian as any of
them. But I have heard it said that diplomacy was only a tissue of
scheming to get the advantage over a weak neighbor; therefore it is
as well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing that such is not
adapted to the business required of a good minister. And though I am
ready to pledge my military reputation (which I got in Mexico)
neither to get into controversies with editors, nor to fight duels
for what may be said of my wife Polly's muslin; nor indeed to cut up
such queer pranks with all who come in my way that I shall be
wondered at; nor to leave my debts unpaid, which is common enough
with our young diplomatists, I will give battle to all sorts of
wickedness which is the mother of despotism. This last I say because
I have a Damascus blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to this
day is as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see well to
this savage. And if he behave like a gentleman there shall be peace
between us; but if he be obstinate, and cut up capers, and put
himself upon his dignity, then I engage to get as many of his
Islands as you shall command, which, judging from the gravity of
your nature, I am sure you will value as so many pearls. But I pray
your excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a rare
talent for conducting governments, and am in favor of taking Cuba by
the beard without all this coaxing round the bush, which reminds me
of the means used to decoy a tender-hearted virgin. In short, as to
that, I will turn my back to no man for my faith in what destiny
owes us, and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours.
"Having said thus much, please write me down a man who will fulfill
his promises, though sent to the remotest end of the earth. And here
let me mention that it is reported of the administration that it has
a passion for making ministers of unconverted Jews, and such other
shabby politicians as the country can well spare. Now, though it may
damage my prospects, I will tell you honestly that General Roger
Potter never during his whole life trafficked in cheap gallantry and
old uniforms. Truly, your excellency, I am neither Jew nor shabby
gentleman, but as honest a Christian as can be found; and for that
matter take it that my claim to the apples ought at least to be
equal.
"As a recommendation of great value, I have been advised to state
that I have no language at my tongue's end but my own; and, in
truth, that needs much polishing. And most likely this savage king
will be found in the same predicament, which is well for him; for if
he had a whole Babylon of tongues in his head, like the three
learned executioners of Putnam's Magazine, the devil would get his
kingdom and leave him a beggar. Now as this savage can only speak
his own tongue, you may fancy the solitude that must yawn between
us. We may say what we please of one another without rendering our
actions dangerous. Faith, as my Secretary says, it seems to me we
may entertain a mutually magnificent opinion of each other without
danger of disturbing the dragons. And if we commit blunders it will
be convenient to charge them all to the deficiency of our tongues.
"And now, your excellency, if these qualifications be not enough,
pray remember that I have as many more in store. Be not timorous in
the matter, but ponder well over my claims to your consideration;
and if it please you to grant my prayer, I will accept the boon with
as many thanks as you may demand. "Your Excellency's Humble Servant,
"GENERAL ROGER SHERMAN POTTER."
"Heavens, sir!" exclaimed the accommodating Mr. Stretcher, as the
general read to him what he had prepared, "but you have left the
perfecting of this business to me. Let me beseech you, then, not to
dispatch such a letter, for I am not the man to question your
abilities; but having got the matter in train, you must not knock
the fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find a
document in every way suited to the purpose." Mr. Stretcher here
produced a ponderous paper, wherein every speech made by the general
was carefully referred to, and also no end of political achievements
set down to his credit; such, in fine, as would have defied the
skill of a dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay and
Webster. The general seemed a little chary of this big document,
and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. And as he did so,
Mr. Tickler, who until then had remained silent, spoke up and said,
"By my faith, gentlemen, had the matter been left to me, they should
have had proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I have
heard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. But I will
smoke my cigar and leave the rest to you."
"As for your Latin, friend Tickler," replied the general, affecting
to read the ponderous document Stretcher was waiting in great
anxiety for a verdict upon, "we will say no more about that, for it
occurs to me you made it do good service at the New York Hotel."
This so put the matter at rest with Mr. Tickler that he held his
peace and smoked his cigar. "Upon my word, sir," resumed the
general, addressing himself to Mr. Stretcher, "it will be a perilous
adventure to send so ponderous a document to the State Department
when business is pressing and time precious. Being a timid man, the
secretary will lay it over for to-morrow, and to-morrow he will
think no more of it. But suppose we compromise this matter, Mr.
Stretcher. Let both documents be sent, and if one have virtue,
surely two cannot fail to effect our object."
"Surely, general, you are blind to your own interests, and respect
not my reputation," replied Mr. Stretcher, going right into a
passion, and so far forgetting what belonged to good manners as to
say he verily believed the general a trifling simpleton, who was
resolved on making an ass of himself in the eyes of the
administration, as well as doing him (Stretcher) out of the pay for
his services. And this so excited the ire of the general, who was
scrupulous of his honor, as well as vain of his good understanding,
that he forthwith proceeded to take down his sword, swearing to have
summary vengeance of the man who dared to cast such reflections upon
his dignity. Seeing this Mr. Stretcher took to his heels, the
general saying it was well he did or he had cleft him in two pieces.
And while the excited general stood brandishing his sword in the
door, Mr. Stretcher shouted back from a corner of the passage, that
unless his demand for services, which were two hundred dollars, be
settled at high noon, he would see what virtue there was in the law.