WHAT BEFELL MAJOR RODGER POTTER, AND HOW HE FOUND HIMSELF OUTWITTED.
KNOWING how well modesty becomes greatness, I listened with profound
attention to the major's story. Every now and then he would relieve
my feelings by suggesting that the most interesting part of it was
yet to come. We had now pursued our journey some fifteen miles under
a burning sun, when we came to a running spring, beside which the
major drew up his team, and, dismounting, proceeded to fill his
bucket. Having drank of the limpid water from one of his tin cups,
and placed the bucket before old Battle, whom he patted with great
fondness, the major next proceeded to take care of his disconsolate
chickens, which for the last three miles had been keeping up an
opera of discordant sounds, to his great annoyance. Uncovering his
coop, which he carried at the tail of his wagon, he set two tin cups
of water before them, and scattered moistened meal at their feet,
enjoining them to hold their peace in the future. And while in the
act of doing this, he reminded me that great men were exalted by
small things, and however bemeaning the nursing of chickens might be
regarded in a military man, there was in it a nobleness the great
only could appreciate. The chickens, however, did not seem to
appreciate his sacrifice of dignity, for they devoured their food
with an increase of music. Having attended to the wants of his live
stock, the major frisked round his wagon to see that his wares were
all safe, and then commenced singing a song, as if a transport of
joy had suddenly come over him. "I tell you what it is, my friend,"
said he, pausing in the middle of his tune, and drawing his favorite
flask from his breast pocket, "the world 'll think none the less of
us for traveling thus shabbily. There may be nothing courtly in the
profession of tin-peddling, yet it is an honorable enterprise, and
has its obstacles as well as other honorable enterprises." I
besought him not to make himself uncomfortable on my account; that I
was not yet so famous that I could not ride over the country on a
tin-wagon, without feeling it a sacrifice of dignity.
We now sat down by the spring together, and proceeded to refresh
ourselves with his crackers and cheese, to which I added a
newly-baked pumpkin pie my mother, in the outpouring of her
simplicity, had slipped into my haversack; and while regaling
ourselves in this unpretending manner, the major, whose ardor was
rather increased by the liquid he mixed with his water, resumed the
recital of his first adventure in New York: "Being desirous of
facilitating the Quaker's honesty, my companion, General Fopp,
suggested an easy way of disposing of the matter. The pocket-book,
he said, no doubt contained an enormous amount, which the unlucky
owner would be anxious to regain as early as possible in the
morning, and to that end would advertise in all the newspapers,
offering a large reward to the lucky finder, as an inducement for
him to preserve his honesty. The first step then would be to find a
convenient place for counting the contents of the pocket-book, and
considering the amount which could be properly offered the Quaker,
as the reward of his honesty. So, after consulting within myself for
some few minutes, I followed my companion and the Quaker into the
back parlor of a cigar shop, where we carefully counted the great
roll of notes, and found the amount to be exactly four thousand
three hundred and twenty-two dollars, which nice little sum,
together with papers of great value, showing the owner, one Henry
Paterson, to be a man of large dealings in Wall-street, were
entrusted to my care. My companion expressed his inability to trust
himself with so large an amount of property, especially as the
servants at his hotel were proverbially inclined to take liberties
with other people's goods. At my request, he said he thought two
hundred and fifty dollars would be a moderate consideration, since
the owner would no doubt value the restoration of his property at
twice that sum. I was not possessed of so large a sum; but being
anxious not to wrong the Quaker, whose quiet demeanor completely won
my confidence, I produced one hundred and fifty dollars, which he
accepted, saying it was much more than he expected. My political
companion said the air of contentment with which he accepted the
reduced sum, was in every way becoming, and bespoke him a worthy
gentleman. As a precaution I took a receipt for the amount, which
Greely Hanniford (for such was the Quaker's name) signed, and took
his departure. My companion said he would do himself the honor of
calling upon me at eleven o'clock in the morning, an earlier hour
being considered very unfashionable among military men. He would
then, if necessary, bear testimony to the transaction. It was now
twelve o'clock, and bearing me company as far as the Astor House
steps, he exchanged civilities and took his departure, having first
slipped a card into my hand, upon which was inscribed in neat
letters, 'General Fopp, 32 Pleasant-side Row.' Pleasant-side Row
being a mystery to me, I retired to bed thinking of my first night's
adventure in our modern Babylon, and awoke early in the morning to
regret that delay in the pursuit of my mission might cause grievous
injury to the nation."
Again, we bridled old Battle, and proceeded slowly on, the sun being
intense enough to dissolve both our brains, and the major cutting
short the thread of his story by saying we would dine with Mrs.
Trotbridge, whose house we ought to reach by high noon.
"However, it was neither here nor there," the major resumed; "I knew
that no military man of any distinction could escape the formalities
and ceremonies it was necessary to go through before being regularly
enstated into the good graces of New York society, and so gave
myself up to the policy of making the best of it. I got up, and
after making divers inquiries of waiters found straying along the
confused labyrinth of passages, got down stairs. My first business
was to search in all the morning papers for the man of the lost
treasure in my possession; I read them all only to be disappointed.
Nor had the companion of my adventure remembered to have my arrival,
with becoming comments, put in all the papers, as he had pledged his
honor to do, having, as he said, an unlimited control over them. I
carefully consulted the columns of the Herald. And though I
discovered in the editor a love for sharpening up his battle-axe,
and making splinters of his fellows at least twice a week, not a
gleam of light was thrown upon the man whose loss I felt it in my
heart would be his ruin. I contemplated the wants and anxieties of
those who sought to make them known therein, and smiled at the
curious manner in which a thousand ambitious individuals expressed
their readiness to supply the wants of others. I turned to the
Tribune. But neither in the gravely-spun philosophy of its
editorials, nor among the pearls of its advertisement columns, could
I find a word to relieve my anxiety. The sages who are supposed by
the knowing ones to jot things down in that very consistent
inconsistent journal, had likewise forgotten to mention my name;
which apparent neglect much discomposed my mind. I was, however,
somewhat relieved by a friend, who informed me that it was in their
true spirit. One of the waiters told me with an air of great wisdom,
that the Tribune never took up military men except to set them down
with bruises. This waiter was a gifted Irishman, and a great
politician. During a sweet little touch of a rebellion, or a famine
(which are about the same) in his country, he had read the Tribune
twice a day to his wife, Biddy Regan, who expressed herself
delighted at the forked lightning style it then kept up in defense
of the rights of her fifty first cousins.
"Eleven o'clock arrived, but no General Fopp came. Anxious to
relieve myself of the treasure, I approached the highly perfumed and
somewhat rotund clerk, whose bows were worth at least a quarter
eagle, and related the story of my adventure to him. The jewels his
shirt was bedazzled with seemed to brighten, while his face radiated
smiles, in which it was not difficult to read that he set me down
for a simpleton. He took the pocket-book into his hand, and saluting
me by my military title, inquired how many banks my companion of the
adventure proposed to start in Wall Street. Just then I remembered
that the generous fellow did propose starting ten or so; and, in
addition, that he pledged one half of Wall Street that, at no very
distant day, I would be president of these United States.
"The clerk now smilingly counted the bills, all of which he
pronounced, to my utter astonishment, on banks that existed only in
the mischievous imagination of some knight of the order of
vagabonds, which ruled the city, moulding things to its liking, and
had fortified itself in a castle of brass. I stood as if transfixed
to the floor. My reputation, my money, my hopes of a foreign
mission-all were gone. I expressed my regret that the man should
have so little respect for his military reputation. The clerk,
however, relieved me on that point, by stating that nothing in the
world was easier than to be a general in New York, and that the
individual who had gained a victory over me was no doubt one of that
particular species of military heroes so numerously dispersed about
all the street corners of Broadway, and who now and then find it
good for their health and courage to take a trip to Europe, where
titles command better attention. As for the Quaker, Greely
Hanniford, he was no doubt a major of the General's division.
"I was anxious to keep this matter as quiet as possible, bearing the
loss like a philosopher, and forming a resolution in my mind never
again to be taken in by a New York general. I observed, however,
that two bearded vagabonds (such at least I took them for) in hats
of priests, came suspiciously up, for the discovery made some stir,
and took down all that was said. And this was, by these malicious
historians, (as the polite clerk informed me they were,) put in all
the afternoon newspapers. I now began to think this was what the
cunning rogue meant by saying he would have my arrival recorded,
with proper comments; for indeed the comments were of a character
that might have satisfied a major of much more renown. One sagacious
fellow, after reciting what he was pleased to set down as my
political history, and the political history of all my shoemaker
ancestors, at whose honest calling he tipped a sneer, as is common
with the learned men of our very republican press, expressed his
regret that so sharp a politician should have been made the victim
of an ordinary sharper, but thought it quite likely we had been
visiting temples of the unclean together, such being the favorite
resorts of politicians. Another equally sagacious fellow said, that
the least harmless view he could take of the matter was, that the
distinguished major had permitted his political enthusiasm to carry
off his discretion, and had kept hours in the company of a stranger
too late to find an excuse with respectable people. A third said,
the whole affair looked very suspicious; and for the character of
politicians, he hoped there was quite as much innocence in the
major's story as he seemed anxious to have appear on its face; but
he very much doubted if such honesty was a good recommendation to
one in pursuit of a foreign mission."