WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR FELL AMONG POLITICIANS AND OTHER NEW
YORK VAGABONDS.
HAVING paused a few moments to moisten his lips, for the day was
excessively warm, the Major spoke a few encouraging words to old
Battle, and resumed his story.
"If wisdom becometh the great, money is not to be despised by the
politician, I thought. So, having stocked my purse with not less
than two hundred dollars, I arrived safely in New York and put up at
the Astor House, an hotel in high favor with ex-secretaries and
dilapidated politicians, inasmuch as the worthy landlord accepts the
honor of their being guests of his house in satisfaction of his
bills. It was night when I arrived, and the splendor and strangeness
of everything around bewildered and confused me so much, that I
forgot to put the prefix of 'Major' to my name, when I registered it
in the big book. And this single omission had the effect of
consigning me to an attic room in the ninth story. Having intimated
an objection to this lofty position, the polite waiter said it was
the most convenient room in the house, since, in case of a fire
breaking out I could use the sky-light, and, having gained the roof,
would be rescued by the firemen with their scaling ladders; whereas,
a lower position would render me liable to be blockaded and devoured
by the rush of flames. I told the polite waiter, who was a gifted
Irishman, and though not four months in the country, had taken to
politics like a rat to good cheese, that he was entitled to my
thanks for the information. An intimation, however, that I was a
Major of some renown, surprised the gifted Irishman not a little.
That he conveyed the news to my worthy host I had not a doubt, since
on the following day I was removed to a spacious room on the second
story.
"On descending to the great supper room, I was accosted by one
General John Fopp, of the Tippecanoe Club, who congratulated me on
my safe arrival in the city. Being extremely easy in his manners,
and apparently ready to render me services of no mean importance, I
invited him to join me in a cup of tea, which invitation he was not
slow to accept. Being much impressed with his dignity of manner, and
the glibness with which he discoursed upon the events of the last
campaign, I listened to him with profound respect. He said he would
see that my name was duly chronicled in the newspapers, not a few of
which he assured me he had full control over. In fine, nothing that
could serve the interests of one who had made himself so famous
during the late campaign was to be left undone. He knew every speech
I had made by heart, as he said; and he had the name of every town I
had been in at his fingers' ends. Indeed, so varied were his
accomplishments, that I at once set him down for one of those great
men, in the possession of whom New York is more fortunate than her
sister cities, and of whose merits strangers, for divers reasons,
have had occasion to speak with great confidence.
"When the newspapers had faithfully recorded my arrival and given an
undoubted history of my doings in politics, I was to be introduced
to the Collector and Postmaster, both of whom, though differing with
me on great national questions, would receive me as became gentle-
men. The Mayor, too, would receive me at the City Hall, in presence
of the Common Council, and review the police, which body of men had
become, under the new order of things, more devoted to beards and
brandy than the good order of the city. He said I must be careful
not to accept the invitations of councilmen to drink, for they were
sure to saddle the payment upon their guest, to say nothing of their
lately adopted art of making invitations a means of supplying their
own wants in the article of liquor. And as drinking had become their
most distinguishing characteristic, perhaps it would not be amiss to
defend myself, he said, after the fashion of our smaller
politicians, who, as a general thing, invited councilmen to confer
with them at the bar, and left the settlement to be arranged between
them and the host.
"On finishing our tea, the General was kind enough to say he would
show me over the city. He could not, however, introduce me to the
Coon-club that night, seeing that it had adjourned and gone on a
frolic. Only too glad to accept the services of a companion so
valuable, I joined him, and we were soon at the door of the Broadway
Theater, where the General, to his great surprise, discovered that
in the change of his vest that evening (he had foregone the pleasure
of a very fashionable party in the Fifth Avenue to do me ample
honor) he had omitted to replace his purse. I begged he would not
mention it, drawing forth the required sum. With great apparent
mortification he begged me to disburse the trifle and consider it
all right in the morning. This I was only too glad to have the honor
of doing.
"An highly colored melodrama, in four acts, one of which was laid in
each of the four quarters of the globe, (and if there had been a
fifth, the cunning author would have had an act for it,) was
proceeding at a stormy pace, the principal character being
personated by a gentleman of color, the audience, I thought, were
trying to emulate in loudness of talking. My new companion seemed to
have an extensive acquaintance, for he introduced me to no less than
twenty judges of the Supreme Court, whose good opinion, he said, it
was well to cultivate, and many other persons, not one of whom was
less than a major-general of the Ninth Regiment, a corps somewhat
celebrated for its courageous marching and counter-marching up
Broadway. Of the etiquette that ruled among the military heroes of
New York I knew but little; nor was I well acquainted with the
accomplishments necessary to her judges: but it was impossible to
suppress the thought, that if soliciting treats of strangers were
regarded as a qualification, they could not be beaten, though the
whole Union were put to the test. And so excessive were their duties
in taking care of the Union, that their faces had assumed a deep
purple color.
"Ascending several flights of stairs, we, by great exertion, reached
what was called the 'third tier,' which lofty domain was, by the
generosity of the manager, set apart for damsels whose modesty and
circumspection would not permit of their occupying seats in the
dress circle. I, however, noticed in them an audacity of manner that
did not appertain to such artless beings as my companion would have
me believe them. It struck me, too, that the toilet of these artless
damsels was not what it should be. Indeed, there was an extravagance
of color, and scantiness at both ends of their drapery, that both my
mother and grandmother would have set down as in extremely bad
taste. My companion soon cleared up this little matter, by informing
me that the toilet of these artless damsels, so bright in color and
scanty in places, was in strict keeping with the standard of fashion
adopted by the very best society, which was to be more undressed
than dressed, that the devil-who always wanted to look in-might see
for himself.
"What there was lacking in drapery, to save my emotions, I might, my
friend said, make up in the color of my imagination. They were all
the daughters of rich bankers in Wall Street; hence no one had a
right to interfere with their mode of dress. Stewart, at whose
shrine of satins and silks ten thousand longing damsels worshiped,
owed his fortune to their love of bright colors. And although he had
filled two graveyards with ruined husbands, and was preparing a
third for the great number of wives whose constancy he had crushed
out with the high price of his laces, no one was simpleton enough to
blame him. No matter how many sins of extravagant men he might have
to answer for, the purchase of seven pews in Grace Church, and the
good will of Brown, would secure his redemption. Stewart was a hero
whose deeds should be recorded in history, and to whose memory a
monument ought to be raised in every fashionable graveyard; and upon
which it would be well to inscribe an epitaph written by Brown, the
sexton.
"My companion said he would (and he did) introduce me to several of
these daughters of rich bankers, which was very kind of him. The
unrestrained quality of their speech at first struck me as being a
little curious, such indeed as I was not accustomed to; but I found
them extremely easy to become acquainted with, and in nowise
prudish. They did, however, keep up a suspicious intimacy with a
brilliantly lighted, though not very fragrantly scented, saloon on
the left. In this I was assured there was nothing improper, inasmuch
as it was sanctioned by the customs of the best society in New York,
and much frequented by the Mayor and Aldermen.
"One of the damsels, whose winning smiles excited the filaments of
my heart with joy, condescended to express an enthusiastic
admiration for my watch-chain, while another very modestly said she
would owe me a lasting obligation if I would lend her my watch, that
she might wear it at the Tammany Hall ball, to which she was invited
by one of the managers. She pledged her honor, of which she seemed
to have a large stock, to return it safe. As it was the first favor
she had ever condescended to ask of a gentleman, she felt sure I
could not deny a lady. Notwithstanding my respect for rich bankers
and their daughters, I begged that she would excuse me in this
instance, and charge to my poverty what might otherwise seem a want
of generosity. She said she would sing to me, and be the light of my
dreams; but even this failed to impress me with a due respect for
her desires. With that penuriousness characteristic of bankers,
their papas, it was clear, had not stocked their purses with change
enough to cover their wants, which habitually ran to ice-water and
something in it.
"It was clear they took me for a country bumpkin instead of a great
politician, and were inclined to make much of my excess of
simplicity. Motioning my companion that it was time to be going, I
expressed the great delight their company had afforded me, and took
my leave, promising to pay them another visit at no very distant
day. I now began to mistrust my companion, whose deportment did not
seem to square with that which I had been accustomed to associate
with great generals. But he was tailored and barbared after the
manner of gentlemen, and was likewise excessively smooth of tongue.
"On turning to depart, my companion reminded me that it was
customary on such occasions for all distinguished persons to present
each of the artless young ladies with a golden dollar, which they
preserved as a fund, intending, when it became sufficiently large,
to start a 'Journal of Civilization,' in which the literature of
other lands was to be much improved for the benefit of this. The
'Journal of Civilization' was not to be considered a reflex of free
brains, but rather as a reflex of free stealing, which was to be
advocated at great length in its columns. Its general department
would, my companion told me, be devoted to the histories of great
historians, commencing with Jacob Abbot and ending with Peter
Parley. Of its politics not much was to be said, seeing that they
were written by my learned friend, Doctor Easley, author and
compiler of 'The Polite Speech Maker,' and ought never to be taken
as meaning what they said. Sharpeye and Scissors were to be honored
with the post of general editors; and the musical department, which
it was intended should be strong enough to drown all weak
instruments, had been consigned to three magnificent harpers, who
were capable of climbing a gamut of any number of notes. Neither had
tuned their harps very extensively to home literature, the love they
bore it being of the chastest kind; and though they were capable of
conferring princely endowments upon it, they had turned a deaf ear
to all its cries and distresses.
"Not seeing the enlarged benefits that were to flow from this
Journal of Prospective Civilization, nor having any great faith in
the quality of civilization stolen literature would confer upon a
nation, I preferred to distinguish my generosity by a more national
and less tricky example. This, I observed, did not give satisfaction
to the damsels, who turned away with a look of contempt, and no
doubt to this day entertain a very poor opinion of me.
"When we had reached the street my companion very modestly said
there were not less than a thousand curious places a politician
should visit before being qualified for taking a high position among
his fellows. Many of these were established for the benefit of poor
men in pursuit of fortunes, which it was absurd to think could not
be got without a too strict adherence to truth and probity. First,
he said, he would introduce me to the high priest of the Pewter Mug,
which was the Star Chamber of Tammany, though many simple-minded
people residing in the rural districts had mistaken it for the place
in which Mr. Beecher, the reverend, wrote his celebrated star
letters. No famous politician or statesman ever visited New York
without scenting its pure atmosphere. And even Marcy himself, who,
notwithstanding his grievous fault of quoting great authors, would
be written down in history as a knight of diplomatists, had been
heard to say (he was a frequenter of the Mug) that he owed the
profoundness of his wisdom to the quality of the beverages there
served. And as the first dawn of his generosity was supposed to have
broken forth in this compliment to the accommodating high priest, it
did him infinite credit in the future.
"A little reflection, however, produced a second thought. If I were
as invulnerable as Virgil's witch, I could survive the process of
initiation, for then I could enchant the faithful, who were
politicians whose metal had been hardened in the furnaces of the
custom-house, and had passed enactments, which they enforced with
great rigor, that no country-made politician should be admitted
unless he could drink and stand sober under thirty-two brandy
cobblers per day, and was able to treat each member to his daily
ration of an equal number, for the space of two weeks.
"Promising my companion that I would profit by his valuable hint, we
turned into Duane Street, and, after groping our way up one of its
wet and narrow alleys, halted at the cellar-door of a dilapidated
little house that seemed to have been ignominiously crammed in
between two dead walls and left for an owl roost. I was never
wanting in courage, as my companions in Mexico can assert, but I
confess that a sort of shaky sensation came over me just then. This
was observed by my companion, who hoped I would not be alarmed,
since the place we had arrived at was nothing more than the
celebrated locofoco 'nest number three,' the members of which had
their head quarters at Tammany Hall and the Irving House, and were
very respectable men, and good working politicians. A less
inquisitive man than a citizen of Cape Cod is acknowledged to be,
could not have failed to discover the artifice. But my enthusiasm
carried away my discretion; and, after descending six slippery
steps, we came to a door upon which my companion gave two loud
knocks, and placed his ear to the crevice. Mutterings, in a tongue
very like the Tuscan, were interspersed with loud swearings, which
were in turn diffused with curious whisperings. Another loud knock,
and a peremptory demand from my companion, and the door was
cautiously opened by a witchlike figure, the hideous face of which
protruded apace, and then shrank quickly back, as if to present me a
commentary of what I might expect within.
"'Rise, strike a light, and let the quality of metal you are made of
be seen!' said my companion, as he stepped inside. The light of a
tallow candle, in the hand of a half-shirtless figure, with bruised
face and upright hair, discovered a cellar about twenty by sixteen
feet, and seven high. The man of the shirt and candle, I took for
the high priest of the locofoco nest number twenty-three, so nimbly
did he mount a little counter at the further end, and set to
arranging his bottles and glasses, thinking, no doubt, that he had
caught a customer of extensive generosity. The atmosphere was thick
and gloomy; nor was it rendered purer by the fourteen stalwart
fellows who lay stretched at full length upon half-emptied whiskey
barrels, and seemed much devoted to shattered garments, disfigured
faces, and collapsed hats. 'Here,' my friend said, 'is your true
working politician, who has no fear of the infernal regions, and
never thinks of heaven.' At a word from him, they rose to their
feet, though not without an effort, and having given their hats an
extra tip, and thrust their hands into places where pockets ought to
have been, and let drop a few words of discontent, like my learned
friend Easley once said Calypso did, they seized tumblers and ranged
up to the counter, forming a most striking panorama of dejected
faces. 'I love and reverence these men,' said my companion, modestly
suggesting that I must do myself the honor of paying for their
medicine, 'since they were extremely useful in absorbing the refuse
liquor made at our distilleries, and keeping up the respectability
of the party to which they belong. Indeed, they are not the base
fabric of the vision you might take them for; they are all pensioned
members of the Empire Club, a very disorderly body of men, of whom
it is said that no man can be elected President of the United States
without first consulting their approbation.'
"They held their peace, and drank with great apparent experience. I
did not dispute my companion's assertion, that they had rendered
noble service during many a campaign, and were capable of rendering
much more; still, my opinion of politicians in general was in no way
heightened by their appearance. Being disappointed in their ends and
aims at the last election, they now stood much in need of a trifle,
with which to pay Bishop Hughes for praying a recently-deceased
brother through purgatory, a service he never performed without
feeling the money safe in his palm. All at once they set up a howl
like midnight wolves, which so alarmed me that I hastened into the
street, where my companion soon joined me, saying it was a way they
had of expressing a joke. Not being accustomed to the ways of
working politicians of the New York school, I made my way as fast as
possible into Broadway, when, to my surprise, I discovered that my
watch had parted company with me. My companion was equally
surprised, offered me any number of regrets, and said he would go
back and have every political vagabond arrested and locked up in the
Tombs, where, if his acquaintance with the judge was not of too
intimate a nature, the thief would be detected and punished in the
morning.
"Pausing for a moment, a second thought, he said, satisfied him that
to seek redress by so bold a course would not be good policy. The
thief would have gone off with his booty, hence it would be better
to remain quiet until morning, when, having come back to hold
consultation with his fellows on some question of politics, as was
customary with them, the services of a detective would do the rest.
Just as we were debating this subject a well-dressed man advanced
toward us, and, stooping down, picked up a corpulent pocket-book,
with the possession of which he seemed not at all easy. 'Friend,'
said the man, 'I am an honest Quaker, can'st thou tell me if thou
art the owner of this, for I leave for my home in Albany in the
morning, and want not to be burdened with it.' After an exchange of
civilities that satisfied me he was a gentleman, I told him it was
none of mine. He insisted however, that I take possession of it, and
in the morning pursue measures to have it restored to its rightful
owner." And what followed will be recorded in the next chapter.