IN WHICH IS RELATED HOW PLEASANTLY THE MAJOR TOOK HIS MISFORTUNES.
"AFTER these cunning scribblers had exhausted their ingenuity in
moulding for me a character so scurvy, that the man who holds up
buildings at street corners could not be got to pick it up, and had
laid at my door charges that would have brought tears into the eyes
of all my ancestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all they
had said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing mankind a
benefit, held me up as a model major. They were all ready to make me
any number of promises, to render me any reasonable service, and to
follow me to battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt it
would have been refused with splendid contempt.
"Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, thought the
character of his house damaged, and must needs consult his honor,
the Mayor. That high functionary, knowing the agility with which
such heroes as Fopp exercised their heels, gave out no encouragement
of catching the rascal. Had it been a scamp, who by his winning
manners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces artless damsels, and
otherwise exercises his skill in the art of fascinating females, his
Honor had been after him with all the courage of his police force.
But as it was merely taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honor
thought, had better be stopped, since the degree and quality of the
crime was so like that known as 'sharp practice' in Wall street,
that to punish one and let another go free would only be manifesting
a strange disregard of equal justice. And the landlord was too
shrewd a fellow not to know that to employ detectives, who were
costly men to move, would entail an expense greater than the sum
lost, without mending the damaged reputation of his house. I
therefore contented myself with the satisfaction of having had my
character restored to me by the newspapers.
"A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding it was only a
harmless custom of the editors to make splinters of a great public
man, I invited them to a sumptuous dinner, which they set upon with
an appetite equaled only by that displayed by them while devouring
my character. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows
-quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained a
magnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set down to a
spirit of commercial rivalry, which, though it might work out good
in some instances, was of itself to be deplored, inasmuch as it had
nothing in common with that generosity of soul which should rule
universal among men of letters."
I found the dinner a specific antidote for a bruised character, for
no sooner had my literary friends eaten it than they were ready to
outdo one another in saying good things of me. One cunning fellow
told his readers that the election of General Harrison was entirely
owing to the wisdom I had distilled into the minds of the people of
Cape Cod. And though I never had even scented the perfumery of war,
another said that as a military man I had no superior. Concerning my
mission, they were all sure no testimony they could bear would add
one jot to my transcendent ability for representing the nation
abroad. The government could not make so great a mistake as to
overlook me.
"Heaven having given the editors great success in their arduous
business of restoring me to favor, I was received at once into the
embraces of fashionable society. Brown, who digs graves for departed
sinners, and provides the parties of our aristocracy with
distinguished people, called to inquire what evenings I was
'disengaged,' seeing that he had several openings on his list, which
was unusually select 'this week.' He secured invitations to nothing
but the most refined and wealthy society-that which gave receptions
merely for the sake of doing honor to persons so distinguished.
Genin sent circulars to say that hats of the latest pattern could be
got cheaper and better of him than any one else. Tiffany & Company,
in a delicately enveloped card, reminded me, (for Mrs. Potter's
sake, no doubt,) that their stock of jewelry was of the finest
description. Ball & Black sent to say that swords and other
appurtenances necessary to a military gentleman could be got of
them, much superior in quality, and cheaper in price, than at any
other establishment in Broadway, or, indeed, in the city. Stewart, I
was told, had just opened an invoice of India shawls, which he had
ticketed at twenty-five hundred dollars each. But as his motto was
quick sales and small profits, he was running them off at two
hundred dollars less. It was hinted that Mrs. Major Potter better
call early or they would all be gone. Had Mrs. Major Potter been the
sharer of my adventure, and exhibited so wanton a determination to
rush her husband into bankruptcy, as it appeared was the fashion
with the ladies of New York, then Mr. Major Potter had gone one way
and Mrs. Major Potter another."
Here the major gave his whip two or three smart cracks, and bid old
Battle proceed at a more rapid pace, as his appetite caused him to
make sundry contemplations about the dinner he would get at the
house of Mrs. Trotbridge.
"Well, seeing that I was up and popular," said the major, resuming
his story, "Townsend piled my room with circulars, saying his
sarsaparilla was the only kind used by politicians and military men,
who invariably pronounced it the cure for those diseases which, it
is charged by a Spanish writer, of great learning, are incident to
their professions. Brandreth sent me samples of his pills, which he
said were unequaled for purging politicians of all those ill humors
they were heirs to. And both (moved by Brown, no doubt) sent me
invitations to parties given in honor of me at their princely
mansions on the Fifth Avenue. Barnum, too, considering me a
remarkable curiosity, sent two tickets to his great show house,
which the vulgar called a museum. And the Misses Whalebone &
Gossamer sent to say that their assortment of baby clothes was of
the choicest description, and that they would be much pleased if
Mrs. Major Potter would call and examine for herself.
"As I was always considered a good looking man," (the major, though
as ugly a man as could well be found, was extremely vain of his
looks,) "no end of sly looks were turned upon me at parties by
marriageable damsels, who mistook me for a single man on the look
out. As to young widows, why, the tears hung as temptingly in their
eyes as pearls. Whether they were for me or their deceased husbands,
I am not bound to say, self praise being no recommendation. It often
occurred to me, however, that marrying a widow would be an act of
charity heaven could not fail to record to the credit of any good
natured bachelor.
"And this, too, I will say, that nothing could have been more
elegantly conducted than the parties to which I was invited. Indeed,
I saw no occasion for repaying hospitality after the manner of those
malicious writers, who take pleasure in sneering at the quality of
entertainment given by our aristocracy, merely because it is
composed of men who have got rich by the very republican business of
sailing ships and selling eatables. Now I by no means underrate the
man of letters who truly represents genius, or learning; but that
every dabbler in small satire should dub himself a man of letters,
and therefore set up for an idol before whom better men must bow, or
have their social affairs battered to pieces, is something I cannot
condescend to admit. By all means, if the little fellows will have a
court, let them have one of their own, and to their liking; for they
will quarrel over those ills they seem born to; and if they can
quarrel without interfering with the rights of others, the peace of
the earth may be preserved. In fine, I would have them cram
themselves into everything great and good, and ask only that they be
careful not to weaken those pedestals upon which our republic is
expanding itself. But enough of this.
"Having passed through fetes of unequaled splendor the politicians
began to put questions to me, which, in many instances, it was not
convenient for me to answer, inasmuch as by a single word I might
commit myself to principles my party would not sanction. They,
however, took me into their keeping, and so delayed my journey to
Washington that I began to feel that I had got among friends of the
wrong kind." We were now entering a short curve in the road, between
two hills covered with chestnut trees, beneath which several lean
sheep were grazing, when the major's story was interrupted by the
shrill sound of a fishmonger's horn.