MAJOR ROGER POTTER RECOUNTS HIS NUMEROUS EXPLOITS IN WAR AND
POLITICS.
HAVING finished the story with great sincerity of manner, the major
commenced to brighten and polish up his face with his handkerchief,
and to pack away his provender. This done, he bridled old Battle,
his horse, arranged his seat of sheepskins, and invited me to mount
and ride with him; for no sooner had I discovered to him the object
of my undertaking than he dubbed himself the luckiest of fellows,
offering to be my companion in arms, and the sharer of my fortunes.
Three loud cracks of the whip, and old Battle started off at a brisk
pace, the major adding that if we made haste we would reach
Barnstable by nightfall. As the wagon rolled over the road, a
cackling noise was kept up, much to my surprise and annoyance; this
I found was caused by a coop of disconsolate chickens, which the
major had bought on speculation, and fastened to the back of his
wagon, intending to make a good thing by selling them for Shanghais
whenever he could find a customer.
"Now, although I know you so well by reputation, you may not have
heard so much of me as many others have. It is no great thing for a
major like me to be engaged in this sort of business, you will
think; but an honest living made by vending tin is better than a
fortune gained by fingering the affairs of the nation. Indeed I have
often thought a man was never so great as when he condescended to
make his living honestly. As you see, I have surrendered myself to
fortune, and am what some would call 'down in the world.' But I have
been up, and made a noise, and will make more when next I get up."
These remarks were delivered with such evident self-conceit, that I
was at a loss how to comprehend their meaning, and asked the major
to explain himself.
After cracking his whip twice or thrice, he resumed, "My father, (he
is gone, God bless him,) was an honest shoemaker in the town of
Barnstable, where I was born and reared. Being poor, he could not
give me much schooling; but we lived comfortably, and enjoyed the
respect of the town people. I assisted him at his trade of making
shoes until I reached the age of two and twenty, being esteemed a
skillful mechanic. Joining the Barnstable Invincibles, a very
disorderly militia company, I was twice elected its captain, which
was considered a very good practical joke, the militia there being
in very bad odor with everybody but the young damsels of the town.
To my military title, then, I owe one of the most fortunate
circumstances of my life-that of getting a wife. And this wife,
though she bore my title the strongest love, was quite as good as I
deserved. In due time we were blessed with one, and then another
little Potter, and I began to thank heaven for making me the
happiest of men. A snug little home was the result of frugality and
industry, and peace reigned in it. But my wife was vain of my
military reputation, which she regarded as a hinge for taking a
higher position in the world. I must tell you that she cut two
clever speeches from an old newspaper, declaring that I must study
them, so that with a few alterations, (an art well understood by our
clergymen and politicians,) I could set up for a public man, making
them apply to all great questions with equal force.
"Wife was of a good, puritanical family, and, as I afterwards had
reason to know, well understood how to push her husband up in the
world. I got the speeches down without the slightest difficulty."
Here the major wet his organs of speech with a little of something
he kept in a small flask he drew from his breast-pocket. "They were
fu l of blaze. In truth, I may say without fear of contradiction,
that a dozen patriots might have found room to roll up in them and
die gloriously. Still, it didn't seem to me much for a man to get a
speech into his head; so, after getting another, I found no
difficulty in getting twenty, all of which were applicable to
general subjects. The Tippecanoe fever then began to spread with
great virulency, and such was the power of its contagion that John
Crispin threw away his lapstone, and Peter Vulcan hung up his anvil,
and both went about the country delivering themselves of great
speeches, with which they deluded the simple-minded villagers, who
forced greatness upon them at every step. And so forcibly did the
opinion that they were great men take root with the good natured
mass, that the great men of the newspapers, and the kind-hearted
critics, who are greater, seconded the opinion, and set them down
for wonders. The ambition of my wife now knew no bounds. She
insisted that I should go to the next political meeting, and then
and there deliver one of the speeches I had got into my head, and
which I had twice spoken before her, that the variations might be
squared to the occasion. My shoe bench I sold for a trifle, and my
pegs and awls were consigned to the children for playthings. The
Tippecanoe side of politics being the most popular, as well as
profitable, I tied to it at once; and on going to the "Coon-meeting"
surprised and astonished every one with the power and arguments of
my speech. I may indeed humbly say, I flashed into greatness with
the quickness of lightning. Neither Cicero nor Lycurgus were ever,
in their day, thought so well of by the multitudes. It got noised
about that Webster would have to give up to me. And I am sure that
if the elder Adams or Jefferson had been living, they would have
been set down by the editors, in the gravest sentences they were
capable of penning, as mere shadows in comparison."
Here the major paused to make room for the Provincetown stage; a
great yellow coach, full of passengers, which we had come upon
suddenly. The driver of the stage, not liking the slow pace in which
old Battle was proceeding to make room for him, laid his whip
briskly over his haunches, quickening his movements, but driving the
major into a furious passion. The sudden twitch landed us both upon
the sandy road, under the pile of sheepskins we had used for a seat.
In this dilemma the major called loudly for assistance, swearing
that if the stage driver would but stop he would give him battle to
his satisfaction. This only served to increase the mirth of the
passengers, who rather encouraged their mischievous driver, now
looking round and making grimaces at his adversary. The major,
however, was not long in extricating himself from the sheepskins,
when, for want of a better weapon, he seized a string of tin pints,
and running as fast as his short legs would carry him, hurled them
one after another at the stage coach. Ceasing to afford the
passengers this amusement only when his wind gave out, the major
swore by his military reputation that if they would only give him an
opportunity he would whip the stageload before breakfast, and think
it a mere trifle. The coach now rolled out of sight, and the major
sat down by the road side to contemplate the loss of his tin cups,
which like spilled apples, were strewn along the sand. It would not
do to suffer so great a loss, so he girded up his nether garments,
and commenced picking up his cups, lamenting their bruises as he
strung them upon his string. Finding that we sustained no other loss
than that of the major's temper, I set his team to rights, and,
having mounted the sheepskins, we were ready to proceed on our
journey. "Such an insult as that offered to me when I was in the
Mexican war," said he, mounting over the wheel with one of those
expletives much used among soldiers, "and I had demolished the lot
at a stroke of my sword. Zounds! why can't stage drivers be
gentlemen?"
This was the first intimation I had had of his being a hero of the
Mexican war. Regaining his good humor soon after, I resigned him the
reins, and he desired me to tell him at what point of his story he
had been interrupted. Having done this, he resumed its thread as old
Battle jogged on at his usual slow pace. "I now took up the trade of
politics," he continued, "and went about the country, making
speeches and demolishing everything that came in my way. I had ideas
enough for any number of speeches, no matter what the length might
be; but the evil was how to put the sentences together. I could make
points such as Cicero and Lycurgus never thought of; as for
patriotism, there was no trouble about that. I had a dozen platforms
at my fingers' ends, and could move an audience equal to Lamartine.
Here then was my game, and at it I made a nice thing. The editor of
the "Provincetown Longbow," who was celebrated for making at least
two Cabinet ministers a day, declared to his readers that it was
lucky for the era that my great wisdom had been discovered; that it
would be a great wrong in General Harrison to offer me any less
office than Secretary of State. The "Barnstable Pocketbook," a
clever little sheet, edited by Miss Holebrook, who snapped her
political whip in the teeth of the town, and had come off conqueror
in many a tilt with editors in breeches, was willing to compromise
with he of the Longbow, by assuring its readers that only two years'
study of law would make me an excellent judge of the Supreme Court.
These well bestowed encomiums, (as I think they are called,) so
elated my wife that she speedily took to giving tea parties, to
which all the majors and generals of the town were invited. And as
they demolished the hospitality of her teacups they made her believe
the nation never could get along unless I had two fingers in its
affairs.
"My children, before as distasteful as the butter one gets in New
York hotels, were now so sweet that the whole town wanted to kiss
them. And the parson, who had scarcely been known to say, 'how do
you do, Mrs. Potter,' now made his calls so frequent, and his bows
so gracious, that the neighbors said it would be as well to have an
eye out. I got fifteen dollars and my feed, for each speech. Now and
then an inspired soul threw in an extra five. So that at the end of
two months I had funds enough to establish a bank in Wall street,
with three branches in the country. My credit, too, received an
unlimited extension. And this my wife took advantage of to new
furnish the house and haberdash the little Potters. I contented
myself with drawing on the tailor for two suits of his best
broadcloth, such as would appertain to a politician so
distinguished. But in truth I must confess, without blushing, that
my wife was not long in contracting debts a richer man would have
found difficulty in paying.
"However, having cleared away all doubts and elected Harrison, whom
I was careful to see safe into the arms of the people, my friends
all advised me to set out for Washington, where such abilities as I
had discovered could not fail of being rewarded by the government
they had so ably served.
"As a military title was held indispensable to the success of a
politician, the Barnstable Invincibles elected me Major, an honor
which could not be overlooked by the politicians at Washington,
whose business it is to give offices and save the Union. So, with
the praises of two newspapers and the well-wishes of the town, I set
out for Washington, believing that the chief magistrate, in the
exercise of his great wisdom, would reward me with at least a
foreign mission."