of it. He also recommended to me a course of reading, to be commenced at
once, as a kind of preliminary education; and, although he had no
influence with the committee of the city government who examined and
elected the pupils, he promised to call upon some of them, and urge my
election. But, despite his recommendation and my father's position as
civil officer, I received a refusal, on the grounds that I was much too
young (being only eighteen), and that I was unmarried. The latter fault I
did not try to remove; the former I corrected daily; and, when I was
nineteen, I repeated my application, and received the same reply. During
this time, Dr. Schmidt became more and more interested in me personally.
He promised that he would do all in his power to have me chosen the next
year; while, during this time, he urged me to read and study as much as
possible, in order to become fully acquainted with the subject. As usual,
I continued to assist my mother in visiting her patients, and thus had a
fine opportunity for explaining to myself many things which the mere study
of books left in darkness. In fact, these years of preliminary practical
study were more valuable to me than all the lectures that I ever listened
to afterwards. Full of zeal and enthusiasm, and stimulated by a friend
whose position and personal acquirements inspired me with reverence and
devotion, I thought of nothing else than how to prepare myself in such a
way that I should not disappoint him nor those to whom he had commended
me. Dr. Schmidt was consumptive, and almost an invalid; often having to
lecture in a reclining position. The author of many valuable medical
works, and director of the largest hospital in Prussia (the Charité of
Berlin), he found a most valuable assistant in his wife,--one of the
noblest women that ever lived. She was always with him, except in the
lecture-room; and almost all of his works are said to have been written by
her from his dictation. This had inspired him with the highest possible
respect for women. He had the utmost faith in their powers when rightly
developed, and always declared their intellectual capacity to be the same
with that of men. This belief inspired him with the desire to give me an
education superior to that of the common midwives; and, at the same time,
to reform the school of midwives by giving to it a professor of its own
sex. To this position he had in his own mind already elected me; but,
before I could take it, I had to procure a legitimate election from the
city to the school as pupil; while, during my attendance he had to
convince the government of the necessity of such a reform, as well as to
bring over the medical profession: which was not so easily done; for many
men were waiting already for Dr. Schmidt's death in order to obtain this
very post, which was considered valuable.
When I was twenty, I received my third refusal. Dr. Schmidt, whose health
was failing rapidly, had exerted himself greatly to secure my admission;
and the medical part of the committee had promised him that they would
give me their vote: but some theological influence was set to work to
elect one of the deaconesses in my stead, that she might be educated for
the post of superintendent of the lying-in ward of the hospital, which was
under Dr. Schmidt's care. She also was rejected, in order not to offend
Dr. Schmidt; but for this he would not thank them. No sooner had I carried
him the letter of refusal than he ordered his carriage, and, proceeding to
the royal palace, obtained an audience of the king; to whom he related the
refusal of the committee to elect me, on the ground that I was too young
and unmarried, and entreated of him a cabinet order which should compel
the city to admit me to the school; adding, that he saw no reason why
Germany, as well as France, should not have and be proud of a La Chapelle.
The king, who held Dr. Schmidt in high esteem, gave him at once the
desired order; and I became legally the student of my friend: though his
praise procured me intense vexation; for my name was dropped entirely, and
I was only spoken of as La Chapelle the Second; which would by no means
have been unpleasant had I earned the title; but to receive it sneeringly
in advance, before having been allowed to make my appearance publicly, was
indeed unbearable.
On the third day after his visit to the king, Dr. Schmidt received me into
the class, and introduced me to it as his future assistant teacher. This
announcement was as surprising to me as to the class; but I took it
quietly, thinking that, if Dr. Schmidt did not consider me fit for the
place, he would not risk being attacked for it by the profession _en
masse_, by whom he was watched closely.
On the same day, a little incident occurred which I must mention. In the
evening, instead of going alone to the class for practical instruction, I
accompanied Dr. Schmidt at his request. We entered the hall where his
assistant, the chief physician, had already commenced his instructions.
Dr. Schmidt introduced me to him as his private pupil, to whom he wished
him to give particular attention; ending by giving my name. The physician
hurriedly came up to me, and grasped my hand, exclaiming, "Why, this is my
little blind doctor!" I looked at him, and recognized the very Dr. Müller
with whom I used to make the rounds of the hospital when twelve years old,
and who had since risen to the position of chief physician. This
rencontre, and the interest that he manifested afterwards greatly
relieved Dr. Schmidt, who had feared that he would oppose me, instead of
giving me any special aid. During this winter's study, I spent the most of
the time in the hospital, being almost constantly at the side of Dr.
Schmidt. I certainly made the most of every opportunity; and I scarcely
believe it possible for any student to learn more in so short a time than
I did during this winter. I was continually busy; acting even as nurse,
whenever I could learn any thing by it. During the following summer, I was
obliged to reside wholly in the hospital; this being a part of the
prescribed education. Here I became acquainted with all the different
wards, and had a fine opportunity to watch the cases by myself. In the
mean time, Dr. Schmidt's illness increased so rapidly, that he feared to
die before his plans in respect to me had been carried out; especially as
the state of his health had compelled him to give up his position as Chief
Director of the Hospital Charité. His design was to make me chief
accoucheuse in the hospital, and to surrender into my hands his position
as professor in the School for Midwives, so that I might have the entire
charge of the midwives education. The opposition to this plan was
twofold: firstly, the theological influence that sought to place the
deaconess (Sister Catherine) in the position of house-midwife; and,
secondly, the younger part of the profession, many of whom were anxious
for the post of professor in the School for Midwives, which never would
have been suffered to fall into the hands of Sister Catherine. Dr.
Schmidt, however, was determined to yield to neither. Personal pride
demanded that he should succeed in his plan; and several of the older and
more influential members of the profession took his part, among whom were
Johannes Müller, Busch, Müller, Kilian, &c. During the second winter, his
lecturing in the class was only nominal; often nothing more than naming
the heads of the subjects, while I had to give the real instruction. His
idea was to make me feel the full responsibility of such a position, and,
at the same time, to give me a chance to do the work that he had declared
me pre-eminently capable of doing. This was an intrigue; but he could not
have it otherwise. He did not intend that I should perform his duty for
his benefit, but for my own. He wished to show to the government the fact
that I had done the work of a man like himself, and done it well; and
that, if he had not told them of his withdrawal, no one would have
recognized his absence from the result.
At the close of this term, I was obliged to pass my examination at the
same time with the fifty-six students who composed the class. Dr. Schmidt
invited some of the most prominent medical men to be present, besides
those appointed as the examining committee. He informed me of this on the
day before the examination, saying, "I want to convince them that you can
do better than half of the young men at _their_ examination."
The excitement of this day I can hardly describe. I had not only to appear
before a body of strangers, of whose manner of questioning I had no idea,
but also before half a dozen authorities in the profession, assembled
especially for criticism. Picture to yourself my position: standing before
the table at which were seated the three physicians composing the
examining committee, questioning me all the while in the most perplexing
manner, with four more of the highest standing on each side,--making
eleven in all; Dr. Schmidt a little way off, anxious that I should prove
true all that he had said in praise of me; and the rest of the class in
the background, filling up the large hall. It was terrible. The trifling
honor of being considered capable was rather dearly purchased. I went
through the whole hour bravely, without missing a single question; until
finally the clock struck twelve, when every thing suddenly grew black
before my eyes, and the last question sounded like a humming noise in my
ear. I answered it--how I know not,--and was permitted to sit down and
rest for fifteen minutes before I was called to the practical examination
on the manikin. I gave satisfaction to all, and received the diploma of
the first degree. This by no means ended the excitement. The students of
the year were next examined. This examination continued for a week; after
which the diplomas were announced, when it was found that never before had
there been so many of the first degree, and so few of the third. Dr.
Schmidt then made it known that this was the result of my exertions, and I
was pronounced _a very capable woman_.
This acknowledgment having been made by the medical men present at the
examination, Dr. Schmidt thought it would be an easy matter to get me
installed into the position for which I had proved myself capable. But
such could not be the case in a government ruled by hypocrisy and
intrigue. To acknowledge the capability of a woman did not by any means
say that she was at liberty to hold a position in which she could exercise
this capability. German men are educated to be slaves to the government:
positive freedom is comprehended only by a few. They generally struggle
for a kind of negative freedom; namely, for themselves: for each man,
however much he may be inclined to show his subserviency to those superior
in rank, thinks himself the lord of creation; and, of course, regards
woman only as his appendage. How can this lord of creation, being a slave
himself, look upon the _free development_ and _demand of recognition_ of
his appendage otherwise than as a nonsense, or usurpation of his exclusive
rights? And among these lords of creation I heartily dislike that class
which not only yield to the influence brought upon them by government, but
who also possess an infinite amount of narrowness and vanity, united to as
infinite servility to money and position. There is not ink and paper
enough in all the world to write down the contempt I feel for men in whose
power it is to be free in thought and noble in action, and who act to the
contrary to feed their ambition or their purses. I have learned, perhaps,
too much of their spirit for my own good.
You can hardly believe what I experienced, in respect to intrigue, within
the few months following my examination. All the members of the medical
profession were unwilling that a woman should take her place on a level
with them. All the diplomatists became fearful that Dr. Schmidt intended
to advocate the question of "woman's rights;" one of them exclaiming one
evening, in the heat of discussion, "For Heaven's sake! the Berlin women
are already wiser than all the men of Prussia: what will become of us if
we allow them to manifest it?" I was almost forgotten in the five months
during which the question was debated: it became more than a matter of
personal intrigue. The real question at stake was, "How shall women be
educated, and what is their true sphere?" and this was discussed with more
energy and spirit than ever has been done here in America.
Scores of letters were written by Dr. Schmidt to convince the government
that a woman could really be competent to hold the position in question,
and that I had been pronounced so by the whole Faculty. The next objection
raised was that my father was known as holding revolutionary principles;
and to conquer this, cost a long discussion, with many interviews of the
officials with my father and Dr. Schmidt. The next thing urged was that I
was much _too young_; that it would be necessary, in the course of my
duties, to instruct the young men also; and that there was danger in our
thus being thrown together. In fact, this reason, read to me by Dr.
Schmidt from one of the letters written at this time (all of which are
still carefully preserved), runs thus: "To give this position to Miss M.
E. Zakrzewska is dangerous. She is a prepossessing young lady; and, from
coming in contact with so many gentlemen, must necessarily fall in love
with some one of them, and thus end her career." To this I have only to
reply, that I am sorry that I could not have found _one_ among them that
could have made me follow the suggestion. This objection however, seemed
for a while the most difficult to be met: for it was well known, that,
when a student myself, I had stood on the most friendly terms with my
fellow-students, and that they had often taken my part in little
disturbances that naturally came up in an establishment where no one was
permitted to enter or to leave without giving a reason, and where even my
private patients were sent away at the door because I did not know of
their coming, and could not announce to the doorkeeper the name and
residence of those who might possibly call.
That this difficulty was finally conquered, I have to thank the students
themselves. My relation with these young men was of the pleasantest kind.
They never seemed to think that I was not of their sex, but always treated
me like one of themselves. I knew of their studies and their amusements;
yes, even, of the mischievous pranks that they were planning both for
college and for social life. They often made me their confidante in their
private affairs, and were more anxious for my approval or forgiveness than
for that of their relatives. I learned, during this time, how great is the
friendly influence of a woman even upon fast-living and licentious young
men; and this has done more to convince me of the necessity that the two
sexes should live together from infancy, than all the theories and
arguments that are brought to convince the mass of this fact. As soon as
it became known among the students that my youth was the new objection,
they treated it in such a manner that the whole thing was transformed into
a ridiculous bugbear, growing out of the imagination of the _virtuous_
opposers.
Nothing now seemed left in the way of my attaining to the position; when
suddenly it dawned upon the mind of some that I was irreligious; that
neither my father nor my mother attended church; and that, under such
circumstances, I could not, of course, be a church-goer. Fortunately, I
had complied with the requirements of the law, and could therefore bring
my certificate of confirmation from one of the Protestant churches. By the
advice of Dr. Schmidt, I commenced to attend church regularly, and
continued until a little incident happened which I must relate here. One
Sunday, just after the sermon was over, I remembered that I had forgotten
to give instructions to the nurse in respect to a patient, and left the
church without waiting for the end of the service. The next morning, I was
summoned to answer to the charge of leaving the church at an improper
time. The inquisitor (who was one of those who had accused me of
irreligion), being vexed that I contradicted him by going to church
regularly, was anxious to make me confess that I did not care for the
service: but I saw through his policy as well as his hypocrisy, and simply
told him the truth; namely, that I had forgotten important business, and
therefore thought it excusable to leave as soon as the sermon was over.
Whether he sought to lure me on to further avowals, I know not: but,
whatever was his motive, he asked me, in reply, whether I believed that
he cared for the humdrum custom of church-going and whether I thought him
imbecile enough to consider this as any thing more than the means by which
to keep the masses in check; adding, that it was the duty of the
intelligent to make the affair respectable by setting the example of going
themselves; and that he only wished me to act on this principle, when all
accusations of irreligion would fall to the ground. I had always known
that this man was not my friend: but, when I heard this, I felt
disenchanted with the whole world; for I had never thought him more than a
hypocrite, whereas I found him the meanest of Jesuits, both in theory and
practice. I was thoroughly indignant; the more so, since I felt guilty
myself in going to church simply to please Dr. Schmidt. I do not remember
what answer I gave; but I know that my manners and words made it evident
that I considered him a villain. He never forgave me this, as all his
future acts proved to me: for, in his position of chief director of the
hospital, he had it in his power, more than any one else, to annoy me; and
that he did so, you will presently see.
The constant opposition and attendant excitement together with the
annoyances which my father, as civil officer, had to endure, made him
resolve to present a declaration to the government, that I should never,
with his consent, enter the position. He had become so tired of my efforts
to become a public character in my profession, that he suddenly conceived
the wish to have me married Now, take for a moment into consideration the
facts that I was but twenty-two years of age, full of sanguine enthusiasm
for my vocation, and strong in the friendship of Dr. Schmidt. He had
inspired me with the idea of a career different from the common routine of
domestic life. My mother, overcoming her repugnance to my entering my
profession, had been my best friend, encouraging me steadily; while my
father, yielding to the troubles that it involved, had become disgusted
with it, and wished me to abandon my career. He was stern, and would not
take back his word. I could do nothing without his consent; while Dr.
Schmidt had finally overcome all difficulties, and had the prospect of
victory if my father would but yield. A few weeks of this life were
sufficient to drive one mad, and I am sure that I was near becoming so. I
was resolved to run away from home or to kill myself while my father was
equally resolved to marry me to a man of whom I did not know the sight.
Matters finally came to a crisis through the illness of Dr. Schmidt,
whose health failed so rapidly, that it was thought dangerous to let him
be longer excited by the fear of not realizing his favorite scheme. Some
of his medical advisers influenced the government to appeal to my father
to withdraw his declaration; which, satisfied with the honor thus done
him, he did on the 1st of May, 1852. On the 15th of May, I received my
legal instalment to the position for which Dr. Schmidt had designed me.
The joy that I felt was great beyond expression. A youthful enthusiast of
twenty-two, I stood at the height of my wishes and expectations. I had
obtained what others only could obtain after the protracted labor of half
a lifetime; and already I saw myself in imagination occupying the place of
Dr. Schmidt's aspirations,--that of a German La Chapelle. No one, that has
not passed at the same age through the same excitement, can ever
comprehend the fulness of my rejoicing, which was not wholly selfish; for
I knew that nothing in the world would please Dr. Schmidt so much as this
victory. The wildest joy of an accepted suitor is a farce compared to my
feelings on the morning of that 15th of May. I was reconciled to my
bitterest opponents: I could even have thanked them for their opposition,
since it had made the success so much the sweeter. Not the slightest
feeling of triumph was in my heart; all was happiness and rejoicing: and
it was in this condition of mind and heart that I put on my bonnet and
shawl to carry the good news to Dr. Schmidt. Without waiting to be
announced, I hastened to his parlor, where I found him sitting with his
wife upon the sofa. I did not walk, but flew, towards them, and threw the
letter upon the table, exclaiming "There is the victory!" Like a
conflagration my joy spread to Dr. Schmidt as well as to his wife, who
thought that she saw in these tidings a cup of new life for her husband. I
only staid long enough to accept their congratulations. Dr. Schmidt told
me to be sure to come the next morning to enter legally upon my duties at
his side. Meanwhile, he gave me a vacation for the afternoon to see my
friends and carry them the news. He saw that I needed the open air, and
felt that he, too, must have it to counteract his joy. I went to tell my
father and several friends, and spent the day in blissful ignorance of the
dreadful event that was transpiring.
The next morning, at seven o'clock, I left home to go to my residence in
the hospital. I had not slept during the night: the youthful fire of
enthusiasm burnt too violently to allow me any rest. The old doorkeeper
opened the door for me, and gazed at me with an air of surprise. "What is
the matter?" I asked. "I am astonished to see you so cheerful," said he.
"Why?" I asked with astonishment. "Don't you know that Dr. Schmidt is
dead?" was the answer. Dr. Schmidt dead! I trembled; I staggered; I fell
upon a chair. The beautiful entrance-hall, serving also as a greenhouse
during the winter, filled in every place with flowers and tropical fruit,
faded from my eyes; and in its stead I saw nothing but laughing faces,
distorted with scorn and mockery. A flood of tears cooled the heat of my
brain, and a calmness like that of death soon took possession of me. I had
fallen from the topmost height of joy and happiness to the profoundest
depth of disappointment and despair. If there were nothing else to prove
the strength of my mind, the endurance of this sudden change would be
sufficient.
I went at once to Dr. Schmidt's residence in the Hospital Park, where I
met him again, not as I had expected an hour before, ready to go with me
to the hospital-department which I was henceforth to superintend, but a
corpse. After I had left the day before, he had expressed a wish to go
into the open air, he being not much less excited than myself. Mrs.
Schmidt ordered the carriage, and they drove to the large park. He talked
constantly and excitedly about the satisfaction that he felt in this
success, until they arrived; when he wished to get out of the carriage,
and walk with his wife. Mrs. Schmidt consented; but they had scarcely
taken a few steps when he sank to the ground, and a gush of blood from his
mouth terminated his existence.
I left Dr. Schmidt's house, and entered alone into the wards, where I felt
that I was without friendly encouragement and support. During the three
days that intervened before the burial of Dr. Schmidt, I was hardly
conscious of any thing, but moved about mechanically like an automaton.
The next few days were days of confusion; for the death of Dr. Schmidt had
left so many places vacant that some fifty persons were struggling to
obtain some one of his offices. The eagerness, servility, and meanness
which these educated men displayed in striving to conquer their rivals was
more than disgusting. The serpents that lie in wait for their prey are
endurable; for we know that it is their nature to be cunning and
relentless: but to see men of intellect and education sly and snaky,
ferocious, yet servile to the utmost, makes one almost believe in total
depravity. The most of these men got what they deserved; namely, nothing:
the places were filled temporarily with others, and every thing went on
apparently as before. My position soon became very disagreeable. I had
received my instalment, not because I was wanted by the directors of the
hospital, but because they had been commanded by the government to accept
me in the hope of thus prolonging the life of Dr. Schmidt. Young and
inexperienced in petty intrigue, I had now to work without friendly
encouragement and appreciation, with no one about me in whom I had a
special interest; while every one was regretting that the instalment had
been given me before Dr. Schmidt's death, which might have happened just
as well from some other excitement, in an establishment where three
thousand people were constantly at war about each other's affairs. I
surveyed the whole arena, and saw very well, that, unless I practised
meanness and dishonesty as well as the rest, I could not remain there for
any length of time; for scores were ready to calumniate me whenever there
was the least thing to be gained by it.