a foundation; but the superstructure had been built up in so short a time,
that a change of wind would suffice to cast it down. I resolved,
therefore, to tear it down myself, and to begin to build another upon the
carefully laid basis; and only waited for an opportunity to manifest my
intention. This opportunity soon presented itself. Sister Catherine, the
deaconess of whom I have spoken, who had been allowed to attend the School
of Midwives after my election, through the influence of her theological
friends upon Dr. Schmidt (the city magistrates having refused her because
I was already the third accepted pupil), had as yet no position: and these
friends now sought to make her the second _accoucheuse_; I having the
first position, with the additional title of Chief. This she would not
accept. She, the experienced deaconess, who had been a Florence
Nightingale in the typhus epidemic of Silesia, was unwilling to be under
the supervision of a woman who had nothing to show but a thorough
education, and who was, besides, eight years younger than herself. Her
refusal made my enemies still more hostile. Why they were so anxious for
her services, I can only explain by supposing that the directors of the
hospital wished to annoy Pastor Fliedner, the originator of the
Kaiserswerth Sisterhood; for, in placing Sister Catherine in this
position, they robbed him of one of the very best nurses that he ever had
in his institution.
My desire to reconcile the government of the hospital, in order that I
might have peace in my position to pursue my development and education so
as to realize and manifest to the people the truth of what Dr. Schmidt had
affirmed of me, induced me to go to one of the directors, and propose that
Sister Catherine should be installed on equal terms with me; offering to
drop the title of Chief, and to consent that the department should be
divided into two. My proposition was accepted nominally, and Sister
Catherine was installed, but with a third less salary than I received;
while I had to give the daily reports, &c., and to take the chief
responsibility of the whole. Catherine was quite friendly to me; and I was
happy in the thought that there was now one at least who would stand by
me, should any difficulties occur. How much I was mistaken in the human
heart! This pious, sedate woman, towards whom my heart yearned with
friendship, was my greatest enemy; though I did not know it until after my
arrival in America.
A few weeks afterwards, the city petitioned to have a number of women
instructed in the practice of midwifery. These women were all experienced
nurses, who had taken the liberty to practise this art to a greater or
less extent from what they had learned of it while nursing; and, to put an
end to this unlawful practice, they had been summoned before an examining
committee, and the youngest and best educated chosen to be instructed as
the law required. Dr. Müller, the pathologist, was appointed to
superintend the theoretical, and Dr. Ebert the practical, instruction. Dr.
Müller, who never had given this kind of instruction before, and who was a
special friend of mine, immediately surrendered the whole into my hands;
while Dr. Ebert, whose time was almost wholly absorbed in the department
of the diseases of children, appointed me as his assistant. Both gentlemen
gave me certificates of this when I determined to emigrate to America.
The marked preference for my wards that had always been shown by the male
students was shared by these women when they came. Sister Catherine was
neither ambitious nor envious; yet she felt that she was the second in
place. Drs. Müller and Ebert never addressed themselves to her; neither
did they impress the nurses and the servants with the idea that she was
any thing more than the head-nurse. All these things together made her a
spy; and, though nothing happened for which I could be reproved, all that
I said and did was watched and secretly reported. Under a despotic
government, the spy is as necessary as the corporal. The annoyance of this
reporting is, that the secrecy exists only for the one whom it concerns;
while the subaltern officers and servants receive hints that such a person
is kept under constant surveillance. When it was found that no occasion
offered to find fault with me, our administrative inspector was removed,
and a surly old corporal put in his place, with the hint that the
government of the hospital thought that the former inspector did not
perform his duty rightly, since he never reported disturbance in a ward
that had been notorious as being the most disorderly in former times. The
truth was, that, in my innocence of heart, I had been striving to gain the
respect and friendship of my enemies by doing my work better than any
before me had done. To go to bed at night regularly was a thing unknown to
me. Once I was not undressed for twenty-one days and nights;
superintending and giving instructions on six or eight confinement cases
in every twenty-four hours; lecturing three hours every afternoon to the
class of midwives; giving clinical lectures to them twice a week, for an
hour in the morning; superintending the care of some twenty infants, who
were epidemically attacked with purulent ophthalmia; and having, besides,
the general supervision of the whole department. But all this could not
overcome the hostility of my enemies, the chief cause of which lay in the
mortification at having been vanquished by my appointment. On the other
hand, I was happy in the thought that Mrs. Schmidt continued to take the
same interest in me as before, and was glad to hear of my partial success.
The students, both male and female, were devoted to me, and manifested
their gratitude openly and frankly. This was the greatest compensation
that I received for my work. The women wished to show their appreciation
by paying me for the extra labor that I performed in their instruction;
not knowing the fact, that I did it simply in order that they might pass
an examination which should again convince the committee that I was in the
right place. I forbade them all payment, as I had refused it to the male
students when they wished to pay me for their extra instruction on the
manikin: but in a true, womanly way, they managed to learn the date of
my birthday; when two or three, instead of attending the lecture, took
possession of my room, which they decorated with flowers; while en the
table they displayed presents to the amount of some hundred and twenty
dollars, which the fifty-six women of the class had collected among
themselves. This was, of course, a great surprise to me, and really made
me feel sad; for I did not wish for things of this sort. I wished to prove
that unselfishness was the real motive of my work; and thought that I
should finally earn the crown of appreciation from my enemies, for which I
was striving. This gift crossed all my plans. I must accept it, if I would
not wound the kindest of hearts; yet I felt that I lost my game by so
doing. I quietly packed every thing into a basket, and put it out of sight
under the bed, in order that I might not be reminded of my loss. Of
course, all these things were at once reported. I saw in the faces of many
that something was in agitation, and waited a fortnight in constant
expectation of its coming. But these people wished to crush me entirely.
They knew well that a blow comes hardest when least expected, and
therefore kept quiet week after week, until I really began to ask their
pardon in my heart for having done them the wrong to expect them to act
meanly about a thing that was natural and allowable. In a word, I became
quiet and happy again in the performance of my duties; until suddenly six
weeks after my birthday, I was summoned to the presence of Director Horn
(the same who had reprimanded me for leaving the church), who received me
with a face as hard and stern as an avenging judge, and asked me whether I
knew that it was against the law to receive any other payment than that
given me by the hospital. Upon my avowing that I did, he went on to ask
how it was, then, that I had accepted gifts on my birthday. This question
fell upon me like a thunderbolt; for I never had thought of looking upon
these as a payment. Had these women paid me for the instruction that I
gave them beyond that which was prescribed, they ought each one to have
given me the value of the presents. I told him this in reply, and also how
disagreeable the acceptance had been to me, and how ready I was to return
the whole at his command; since it had been my desire to prove, not only
my capability, but my unselfishness in the work. The man was ashamed; I
saw it in his face as he turned it away from me: yet he saw in me a proof
that he had been vanquished in intrigue, and was resolved that the
occasion should end in my overthrow. Much more was said about the
presents and their significance; and I soon ceased to be the humble woman,
and spoke boldly what I thought, in defiance of his authority, as I had
done at the time of the religious conversation (by the way, I never
attended church again after that interview.) The end was, that I declared
my readiness to leave the hospital. He wished to inflict direct punishment
on me; and forbade me to be present at the examination of the class, which
was to take place the next day. This was really a hard penalty, to which
he was forced for his own sake; for, if I had been present, I should have
told the whole affair to men of a nobler stamp, who would have opposed, as
they afterwards did, my leaving a place which I filled to their entire
satisfaction.
I made my preparations to leave the hospital on the 15th of November. What
was I to do? I was not made to practise quietly, as is commonly done: my
education and aspirations demanded more than this. For the time, I could
do nothing more than inform my patients that I intended to practise
independently. My father again wished that I should marry; and I began to
ask myself, whether marriage is an institution to relieve parents from
embarrassment. When troubled about the future of a son, parents are ready
to give him to the army; when in fears of the destiny of a daughter, they
induce her to become the slave of the marriage bond. I never doubted that
it was more unendurable and unworthy to be a wife without love, than a
soldier without a special calling for that profession; and I never could
think of marriage as the means to procure a shelter and bread.
I had so many schemes in my head, that I would not listen to his words.
Among these was especially the wish to emigrate to America. The
Pennsylvania Female Medical College had sent its first Report to Dr.
Schmidt, who had informed me of it as well as his colleagues, and had
advocated the justice of such a reform. This fact occurred to my memory;
and, for the next two months, I did nothing but speculate how to carry out
my design of emigration. I had lived rather expensively and lavishly,
without thinking of laying up any money; and my whole fortune, when I left
the Charité, consisted of sixty dollars.
One thing happened in connection with my leaving the hospital, which I
must relate here. Director Horn was required to justify his conduct to
the minister to whom the change had to be reported; and a committee was
appointed to hear the accusation and pass judgment upon the affair. As
this was done in secrecy and not before a jury, and as the accuser was a
man of high rank, I knew nothing of it until Christmas Eve, when I
received a document stating that, _as a gratification for my services for
the benefit of the city of Berlin_ in instructing the class of midwives, a
compensation was decreed me of fifty dollars. This was a large sum for
Berlin, such as was only given on rare occasions. I was also informed that
Director Horn was instructed to give me, should I ever demand it, a
first-class certificate of what my position had been in the hospital with
the title of Chief attached. Whatever I had suffered from the injustice of
my enemies, I was now fully recompensed. I inquired who had taken my part
so earnestly against Director Horn as to gain this action, and found that
it was Dr. Müller the pathologist, backed by several other physicians.
Director Horn, it was said, was greatly humiliated by the decision of
Minister von Raumer, who could not see the least justice in his conduct in
this matter; and, had I not left the hospital so readily, I should never
have stood so firmly as after this secret trial.
It was done, however; and I confidently told my mother of my design to
emigrate. Between my mother and myself there existed, not merely the
strongest relation of maternal and filial love, but also a professional
sympathy and peculiar friendship, which was the result of two similar
minds and hearts, and which made me stand even nearer to her than as a
child I could possibly have done. She consented with heart and soul,
encouraged me in all my plans and expectations, and asked me at once at
what time I would leave. I next told my father and the rest of the family
of my plan. My third sister (Anna), a beautiful, joyous young girl,
exclaimed, "And I will go with you!" My father, who would not listen to my
going alone, at once consented to our going together. But I thought
differently In going alone, I risked only my own happiness: in going with
her, I risked hers too; while I should be constantly restricted in my
adventurous undertaking from having her with me, who knew nothing of the
world save the happiness of a tranquil family life. The next day, I told
them that I had changed my mind, and should not go away, but should
establish myself in Berlin. Of course, I received a torrent of gibes on my
fickleness; for they did not understand my feelings in respect to the
responsibility that I feared to take for my younger sister.
I began to establish myself in practice. Mrs. Schmidt, who was anxious to
assist me in my new career, suggested to those physicians who were my
friends the establishment of a private hospital, which should be under my
care. She found them strongly in favor of the plan; and, had I not been
constantly speculating about leaving for America, this scheme would have
been realized. But I had resolved to emigrate, and took my measures
accordingly. I went secretly to Drs. Müller and Ebert, and procured
certificates from them attesting my position in respect to them in the
hospital. I then obtained the certificate from Director Horn, and carried
them all to the American Chargé d'Affaires (Theodore S. Fay) to have them
legalized in English, so that they could be of service to me in
America.[2]
When I told Drs. Ebert and Müller and Mrs. Schmidt of my intention to
emigrate, they pronounced me insane. They thought that I had the best
field of activity open in Berlin, and could not comprehend why I should
seek greater freedom of person and of action. Little really is known in
Berlin about America, and to go there is considered as great an
undertaking as to seek the river Styx in order to go to Hades. The remark
that I heard from almost every quarter was, "What! you wish to go to the
land of barbarism, where they have negro slavery, and where they do not
know how to appreciate talent and genius?" But this could not prevent me
from realizing my plans. I had idealized the freedom of America, and
especially the reform of the position of women, to such an extent, that I
would not listen to their arguments. After having been several years in
America, very probably I would think twice before undertaking again to
emigrate; for even the idealized freedom has lost a great deal of its
charm, when I consider how much better it could be.
Having put every thing in order, I told my father of my conclusion to
leave. He was surprised to hear of it the second time: but I showed him my
papers in readiness for the journey, and declared that I should go as soon
as the ship was ready to sail; having a hundred dollars,--just money
enough to pay my passage. He would not give his consent, unless my sister
Anna accompanied me; thinking her, I suppose, a counterpoise to any rash
undertakings in which I might engage in a foreign land. If I wished to go,
I was, therefore, forced to have her company; of which I should have been
very glad, had I not feared the moral care and responsibility. We decided
to go in a fortnight. My father paid her passage, and gave her a hundred
dollars in cash,--just enough to enable us to spend a short time in New
York: after which he expected either to send us more money, or that we
would return; and, in case we did this, an agreement was made with the
shipping-merchant that payment should be made on our arrival in Hamburg.
On the 13th of March, 1853, we left the paternal roof, to which we should
never return. My mother bade us adieu with tears in her eyes; saying, "_Au
revoir_ in America!" She was determined to follow us.
Dear Mary, here ends my Berlin and European life; and I can assure you
that this was the hardest moment I ever knew. Upon my memory is for ever
imprinted the street, the house, the window behind which my mother stood
waving her handkerchief. Not a tear did I suffer to mount to my eyes, in
order to make her believe that the departure was an easy one; but a heart
beating convulsively within punished me for the restraint.
My father and brothers accompanied us to the _dépôt_, where the cars
received us for Hamburg. On our arrival there, we found that the ice had
not left the Elbe, and that the ships could not sail until the river was
entirely free. We were forced to remain three weeks in Hamburg. We had
taken staterooms in the clipper ship "Deutschland." Besides ourselves,
there were sixteen passengers in the first cabin; people good enough in
their way, but not sufficiently attractive to induce us to make their
acquaintance. We observed a dead silence as to who we were, where we were
going, or what was the motive of our emigrating to America. The only
person that we ever spoke to was a Mr. R. from Hamburg, a youth of
nineteen, who, like ourselves, had left a happy home in order to try his
strength in a strange land. The voyage was of forty-seven days' duration;
excessively stormy, but otherwise very dull, like all voyages of this
kind; and, had it not been for the expectations that filled our hearts, we
should have died of _ennui_. As it was, the days passed slowly, made worse
by the inevitable sea-sickness of our fellow-passengers; and we longed for
the hour that should bring us in sight of the shores of the New World. And
now commences _my life in America_.
"Dear Marie, best Marie! make haste to come upon deck to see America! Oh,
how pleasant it is to see the green trees again! How brightly the sun is
gilding the land you are seeking,--the land of freedom!" With such
childlike exclamations of delight, my sister Anna burst into my cabin to
hasten my appearance on deck on the morning of the 22d of May, 1853. The
beautiful child of nineteen summers was only conscious of a heart
overflowing with pleasure at the sight of the charming landscape that
opened before her eyes after a tedious voyage of forty-seven days upon the
ocean. We had reached the quarantine at Staten Island. The captain, the
old pilot, every one, gazed at her as she danced joyously about the deck,
with a mingled feeling of sadness and curiosity; for our reserve while on
shipboard had surrounded us with a sort of mystery which none knew how to
unravel.
As soon as I had dressed for going on shore, and had packed up the things
that we had used on our voyage, in order that they might not be stolen
during this time of excitement, I obeyed the last call of my impatient
sister to come at least to see the last rays of sunrise; and went on deck,
where I was at once riveted by the beautiful scene that was spread before
my eyes. The green, sloping lawns, with which the white cottages formed
such a cheerful contrast; the trees, clad in their first foliage, and
suggesting hope by their smiling blossoms; the placid cows, feeding
quietly in the fields; the domestic chickens, just visible in the
distance; and the friendly barking of a dog,--all seemed to greet me with
a first welcome to the shores of this strange country: while the sun,
shining brightly from a slightly clouded sky, mellowed the whole
landscape, and so deeply impressed my soul, that tears sprang to my eyes,
and a feeling rose in my heart that I can call nothing else than
devotional; for it bowed my knees beneath me, and forced sounds from my
lips that I could not translate into words, for they were mysterious to
myself. A stranger in a strange, wide land, not knowing its habits and
customs, not understanding its people, not yet understanding its workings
and aims, my mind was not clouded with loneliness. I was happy. Had it not
been my own wish that had made me leave the home of a kind father, and of
a mother beloved beyond all earthly beings? I had succeeded in safely
reaching the shores of America. Life was again open before me. With these
thoughts, I turned from the beautiful landscape; and finding the captain,
a noble-hearted sailor, inquired of him how long it would take us to reach
the port of New York. "That is New York," said he, pointing to a dark mass
of buildings, with here and there a spire towering in the air. "We shall
reach there about eight o'clock; but it is Sunday, and you will have to
stay on board till to-morrow." With this he turned away, calling his men
to weigh anchor; as the physician, whose duty it was to inspect the cargo
of men, like cattle, had just left in his boat. On we went, my sister
still dancing and singing for joy; and Mr. R. and myself sitting somewhat
apart,--he looking dedespondently into the water, I with my head firmly
raised in the air, happy in heart, but thoughtful in mind, and trusting in
my inward strength for the future.
I took my breakfast on deck. No one seemed to have any appetite; and I
felt somewhat reproved when I heard some one near me say, "She seems to
have neither head nor heart: see how tranquilly she can eat at such a time
as this!" These words were spoken by one of the cabin-passengers,--a young
man, who was exceedingly curious to know why I was going to America, and
had several times tried to make the rest of the passengers believe that it
must be in consequence of an unhappy love. The poor simpleton! he thought
that women could only enter into life through the tragedy of a broken
heart.
A bell sounded. We were opposite Trinity Church, which had just struck
eight. On my right lay an enormous collection of bricks (houses I could
not call them; for, seen from the ship, they resembled only a pile of
ruins); on my left, the romantic shore of New Jersey. But the admiration
with which I had gazed upon Staten Island was gone as I stood before this
beautiful scene; the appreciation of Nature was mastered by another
feeling,--a feeling of activity that had become my ideal. I had come here
for a purpose,--to carry out the plan which a despotic government and its
servile agents had prevented me from doing in my native city. I had to
show to those men who had opposed me so strongly because I was a woman,
that in this land of liberty, equality, and fraternity, I could maintain
that position which they would not permit to me at home. My talents were
in an unusual direction. I was a physician; and, as such, had for years
moved in the most select circles of Berlin. Even my enemies had been
forced to give me the highest testimonials: and these were the only
treasure that I brought to this country; for I had given my last dollar to
the sailor who brought me the first news that land was in sight.
I looked again upon New York, but with a feeling that a great mystery was
lying before my eyes,--a feeling that was confirmed by the men, who came
off to the ship in small boats, speaking a language that seemed like a
chaos of sounds. As I turned, I saw my sister coming slowly up from the
cabin with a changed air; and I asked her with surprise what was the
matter. "O Marie!" said she, "most of the passengers are called for. Mr.
R.'s brother has just come to take him on shore. He was so glad to see
him (for he thought he was in New Orleans), that I think he will forget to
say good-by. I am afraid that we shall have to stay here all alone,
and"--"Are the Misses Zakrzewska on board?" called a voice from a little
boat by the side of the ship. We looked down in surprise, but did not
recognize the man, who spoke as if he were an acquaintance. The captain
answered "Yes." Upon which the same voice said, "Mr. G. requests them to
wait: he will be here in a moment."
This announcement surprised us the more that it came from a totally
unexpected quarter. An acquaintance of ours, who had emigrated to New York
a few years before, and had shortly after married a Mr. G., had heard from
her brother in Berlin of our departure for America in the ship
"Deutschland;" and these good people, thinking that they could be of use
to us in a new country, had been watching for its arrival. No one on board
dared ask a question as to who our friends were, so reserved had we been
in regard to our plans: only the young man who had accused me of having
neither head nor heart said, half aside, "Ah, ha! now we know the reason
why Miss Marie ate her breakfast so calmly, while her sister danced for
joy. They had beaux who were expecting them." "Simpleton!" thought I:
"must women always have beaux in order to be calm about the future?"