SHEPPARD LEE MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF HIS COUSIN, MISS PATTIE WILKINS.
Although I now look upon those three weeks of my life as three weeks of
existence out of which I cheated myself, I was nevertheless so greatly
delighted at first by the way in which I spent them, that I had almost
forgotten my uncle Wilkins; and when I did think of him, it was only
with renewed contempt and indifference. Finding, however, that the old
fellow had called upon me three or four times during my absence from
my lodgings, on as many different days, and remembering what he had
said of his riches, it occurred to me that I might as well pay him a
visit, were it only to satisfy Mr. Sniggles and Nora Magee, both of
whom manifested great uneasiness at my undutiful conduct. It occurred
to me, moreover, that although my uncle Wilkins was not a lending man,
my cousin Sammy might be; and as I had now existed four different
days without a single sixpence in my pocket, and began to be heartily
ashamed of such a state of things, I thought it would be as well to pay
the rustics a visit; and putting on a new coat which Snip had just sent
me, to seal our reconciliation and secure my seven extravagant cousins,
I started off forthwith.
As my evil luck would have it, I found the old gentleman on the point
of setting out to pay me a fifth visit, and I had the satisfaction,
just as I placed my foot on the porch of the hotel, in full view of
some half a dozen respectable-looking people who were congregated
there, to receive an embrace from Mr. Samuel Wilkins, with the old
white fur hat, accompanied by a vocal salutation of, "Oho! Ikey, my
boy, and so you _have_ come, have you? Ods bobs, but I began to think
you was ashamed of your relations.!"
"Not I," said I; "I am never ashamed of my relations." And I looked
around me with dignity, so that all present might perceive I was
condescending. I supposed I should find some of the spectators
giggling, but was agreeably surprised when I beheld among them nothing
but grave looks of respect. Indeed, two or three old gentlemen that
I knew by sight, and who were what you call "stanch citizens"--that
is, rich old fellows, not very genteel, but highly respected--made me
low bows; and I heard one of them, as I passed with my uncle into the
hotel, whisper to another, "It is the rich old rascal's nephew; quite a
promising young man."
I began to feel a greater esteem for my uncle, for I saw that others
respected him. Everybody seemed to know him and make way for him;
seeing which, I grew more condescending than ever, and instantly began
to apologize for my seeming neglect, by pleading that I had been
engaged night and day in preparing the way for the admission of him and
my cousins, Sammy and Pattie, into good society.
"You want a house in a fashionable quarter," said I--
"Ods bobs," said he, "yes; and I've been looking all over town, from
the glass-works down to the navy-yard, and seen a power of them."
"I flatter myself I can suit you," said I, "and better than you can
yourself. Besides," said I, "I have been looking for carriages and
horses."
"Why," said my uncle, "it's expensive keeping horses in a city; and I
was against it; but there's Pattie says we can't do without 'em."
"Exactly so," said I: "you must live like a gentleman, or there's no
getting or keeping in society. And, besides, I have been stirring up
the beaux and belles to come and see my cousin, the fair--I say, uncle,
eged, has she no other name than Pattie?"
"Yes," said my uncle Wilkins, "there's Abby,--that's Abigail--Martha
Abigail Wilkins; called her after her grandmother and aunt, and hoped
aunt Abby would leave her something; but she didn't."
Martha Abigail Wilkins! Worse and worse; I despaired of doing any
thing, if I even wished it, for a creature with such a name.
But what I had done--that is, what I _said_ I had done (for I had done
nothing), had produced a great effect on my uncle, and put him into
such a good-humour with me, that he seized me by the hand, swore I
was the right sort of a dog after all, and, reaching the door of his
private parlour, where the fair Martha Abigail was sitting, he kicked
it open, crying aloud,
"Here, Pattie, you puss, here's your cousin Ikey, the dandy--as fine a
whole-hog fellow as ever you saw--ods bobs, give 'm a buss."
I looked upon the unsophisticated rustic who was called upon to
manifest her breeding in such an agricultural style; and, upon my soul,
I was quite surprised to find in her, the aforesaid Pattie Abigail,
one of the nicest little creatures I had ever laid eyes on, of a most
genteel figure, tolerably well dressed, considering she had been
brought up in the country, and with a sweet, prudish face, that was
quite agreeable to look on.
She smiled and she blushed, then laughed and blushed again; but,
without waiting to be bidden a second time, tripped up to me, gave me
both her hands, and saying, "Cousin Ikey, how do you do?" with a voice
that was charming in every word save one--the infernal "Ikey"--she very
innocently turned her cheek up to be saluted.
I felt myself called upon to give her a lesson in politeness, and
therefore put my lips to her hand, saying, Cousin P--P--Pattie--ehem,
the girls will all call her petty-patty--Petty-patty Wilkins--I beg
your pardon; but it is quite ungenteel and vulgar to kiss a lady; that
is to say, in common cases. But--"As I spoke, I admired her beauty the
more, and began to think the etiquette in such cases was absurd--But,
as we are cousins, I think that alters the case entirely."
And with that I paid my respects to her cheek, and, upon my soul, was
rather gratified than otherwise. Nay, and upon an instinct which I know
not whether I owed to my soul or body, I made an offer to repeat the
ceremony, that I might be as condescending as possible; when the little
minx, to my surprise and indignation, lifted up one of the hands I had
dropped, and absolutely boxed me on the ear, starting away at the same
time, and saying, with a most mischievous look of retaliation,
"I reckon I know manners as well as anybody."
"Ged, and upon my soul!" said I, and marched up to the glass to restore
my left whisker to its beauty, for she had knocked it out of its
equilibrium, while my uncle Wilkins fell foul of her, and scolded her
roundly for her bad behaviour.
"It don't signify, pa," said the amiable Pattie, bursting into tears,
"I served cousin Ikey no worse than cousin Ikey served me; for when
I wanted him to kiss me he wouldn't; and if he had boxed my ear it
wouldn't have been half so bad; for it was very rude of him not to kiss
me, and say it was vulgar, and he can't deny it."
I have mentioned before, I think, the surprising facility women seem to
have of turning the tables upon a man, in any contest that may happen
between the sexes; for, let a man be never so much in the right, my
head for it, the woman will soon prove him to be in the wrong.
I found the truth of the maxim on the present occasion; for there was
the pretty Pattie, who had just shocked my sensibilities, wounded my
self-love, violated my dignity, and disordered my whisker, by a buffet
on the cheek, extremely well laid on, considering the youth and sex
of the bestower, now weeping and bewailing the injury I had done her,
in moralizing over a kiss before taking it. It occurred to me she was
an uncommon goose; but she looked so wonderfully handsome, pouting
her lips with such a beautiful pettishness, that I was convinced I
had treated her very badly; for which reason I stepped up to her, and
begged her pardon so penitently, that she relented and forgave me, and
we were soon in a good-humour with one another.
She seemed to me to be an odd creature, disposed to be whimsical and
funny, and I rather feared she was, at bottom, witty. I say, I feared
she was witty; and lest the reader should draw wrong inferences from
the expression, I think it right to inform him, that, while recording
my adventures in the body of Mr. I. D. Dawkins, I feel my old Dawkins
habits revived so strongly in my feelings, that I cannot avoid giving
some of the colouring of his character to the history of his body. I do
not presume to say what women should be, or what they should not: in
confessing a fear that my cousin Pattie was witty, I only record the
horror with which I, while a dandy, in common with all others of the
class, regarded any of the sex who were smarter or more sensible than
myself.
My cousin Pattie was, then, odd, whimsical, and, I feared, witty; but
that remained to be proved. She certainly acted in a manner highly
unsophisticated, which arose from her youth (for my uncle told me
she was not yet eighteen), and her country breeding. She had divers
rusticities of speech, and a frankness of spirit that would at any
moment burst out in weeping and wailing, or a fit of romping; all which
was horridly ungenteel, and a great objection to genteel people taking
notice of her.
But, on the other hand, she was a positive beauty; and although she
slouched about sometimes, when forgetful, her movements were commonly
graceful and lady-like.
My judgment was therefore favourable: beauty, grace, good clothes,
and a grammatical way of speaking, were, as far as I knew, the only
requisites for a fine woman, and I thought it was possible to make her
one. The two first requisites she already possessed: good clothes were
to be had of a good milliner; and as for her conversation, I flattered
myself I could, in a few lessons, teach her to subdue all redundances;
for in that particular she wanted nothing but pruning.