THE AUTHOR RECEIVES A VISIT FROM HIS UNCLE, SAMUEL WILKINS, ESQ., AND
IS RELIEVED FROM HIS TORMENTORS.
Let the reader judge of the effect of such an announcement upon my
tormentors and myself. I had an uncle, then, and he had arrived--nay,
he had paid me a visit, and was in the house; I could hear him
stumping up the stairs! My debtors were struck dumb, and so was I;
and at that moment of confusion he stepped into the room. I looked at
the gentleman, and, upon my soul, I was somewhat disappointed. His
appearance was scarce genteel enough for _my_ uncle; he looked like
a country squire of low degree, who might pass for a man of quality
better in an unsophisticated village of the backwoods than anywhere
else; and he had an atrocious white fur hat, with a big brim all
puckered and twisted like the outer casing of a cabbage. There was a
vulgar vivacity and good-nature about his visage, an air of presumption
and familiarity in his motions, and his nose turned up. On the whole,
I did not like his appearance, and my first impulse was to give him a
look of contempt; but I recollected he was my uncle, and had come in a
carriage; and seeing him stand staring about in great astonishment, as
not knowing what to make of such a rout of ragamuffins as I had about
me, nor how to distinguish his nephew among them, I stepped up to him,
and taking him by the hand, said,--
"My dear saw, ah! looking for me? What! my uncle Wiggins?"
"_Wiggins_!" said he; "ods bobs, don't you know the name of your own
uncle Wilkins?"
"Wiggins?" said I; "ged, 'twas a mere slip of the tongue."
"Ods bobs!" said he, "and is this you, Ikey, my boy? The very picture
of your aunt, poor Mrs. Wilkins! but, ods bless her, she's dead. Ha'n't
seen you since you was a baby; do declare, you're as big as Sammy.
Come to live in your town, Ikey, my dear; tired of living among the
clodhoppers; have plenty of money, and mean to be a gentleman now. Glad
to see you, Ikey; but I say, Ikey, who is all these here people? Always
heard you was a great gentleman; but don't much like your acquaintance,
Ikey."
This was pronounced in an under voice, much to my satisfaction; for
the liberty the old gentleman took with my name was not grateful to my
feelings. _Ikey_, indeed! None but a vulgarian would have made so free
with me.
But he was my uncle, he said he was rich, and I perceived he might be
made serviceable.
I shook him by the hand a dozen times over, swore "I was so glad to see
him he could not conceive;" assured him--in his ear--the fellows he saw
were ambitious cobblers and stitchers, who had come to beg my favour
and recommendation to the fashionable circles, for my countenance was
a fortune, and the rascals _would_ persecute me; declared my friend
Tickle, who stood enjoying the scene from a corner, was a young blood
and intimate, who had just lent me a thousand dollars to pay a poor
fellow who was in distress; and concluded by assuring him, that as I
did not like being obliged to a man _not_ a near kinsman, I would hand
the sum back again, and borrow it of _him_ if he had brought so much to
town with him.
The warm welcome with which I began my speech greatly delighted my
uncle's heart, as I saw; my apology for the appearance of the duns,
it was evident, caused him to look upon me as a young fellow of great
importance and distinction; the reference to the young blood who had
just lent me a thousand dollars, confirmed his opinion of my lofty
stand among the rich and fashionable; and to all these members of
my discourse he hearkened with respect and satisfaction; but when I
arrived at my climax, and professed a readiness to borrow that sum of
himself, I thought his eyes would drop out of his head, they stared out
so far. In a word, I perceived that, let him be as rich as he might,
he was not the man to lend me money; for which reason I despised the
relationship more than ever, and resolved to disown it as soon as my
convenience would permit. But it was proper to make it useful at the
present moment.
I turned round upon my duns, who were yet in confusion. "Gentlemen,"
said I, giving them a bow of dismission, "I will remember your claims;
you may depend upon me; but at present, as you see, I must attend to
those of my excellent uncle. You understand me, ehem."
"Ehem," said they all; and I thought they would have all turned
somersets, so profound were their congees, as, one by one, they sneaked
out of the room. The only ones who hesitated were my landlord, Nora
Magee, and Snip the tailor. The first was probably overcome by a sense
of having dunned me too hard, and despair of forgiveness; on which
supposition I gave him a frown, and waved my hand, and he retired. As
for Nora, she perhaps loitered to feast her eyes with the spectacle
of the rich man, from whose pockets were to be drawn her ten dollars;
but I gave her a wink (a very vulgar way of conveying a hint, I
confess--but one can't be genteel with one's creditors), and she rolled
smiling away. What kept the tailor I could not say; till, having given
him divers significant looks and gestures, he began to drawl out, "Can't
controvert no gentleman, but--" when I stepped up to him, took him by
the arm, and led him from the apartment.
"What, you dog," said I, in a familiar, affectionate sort of way, as
soon as I had him out of my uncle's hearing, "do you want to raise a
hubbub, and put the old fellow in a passion? Come, you rogue, your
fortune's made:--seven grown sons--seven broadcloth suits a year
(extravagant dogs they!)--shall have them all, you shall, upon my
honour: can twist the young apes round my finger, and you shall
have'em. Seven times seven is forty-nine, seven fifties is three
thousand and odd; 'ged and demmee, you'll make a fortune out of them!"
With that I pushed the giggling cormorant down stairs, and ran back to
my uncle.