A CONVERSATION WITH A TAILOR. SHEPPARD LEE FINDS HIMSELF IN A SITUATION
TRULY APPALLING.
Having thus got upon the subject of the ladies, we--that is, Tickle
and myself--fell into a highly agreeable conversation, in the course
of which I lost sight of all my fears and anxieties, until they were
suddenly recalled by the entrance--and a very unceremonious one it
was--of a tall fellow with hinge knees and crow-bar elbows, fashionably
dressed, but whom there was no mistaking for aught but a vulgarian. I
knew his errand before he spoke; and so did Tickle, who instantly cried
out,
"Snip the tailor, eged! and another paroxysm of dunning!"
"Servant, Mr. Dawkins,--servant, Mr. Tickle," said the gentleman,
giving each of us a scrape; "hope no intrusion and no offence; wouldn't
go to controvert gentlemen on no account. But, talking of accounts, Mr.
Dawkins, hope you'll excuse me; wouldn't dun a gentleman for the world,
but have a cussed note in bank for cloth, and must make up the sum by
to-morrow; and so, if it's convenient, Mr. Dawkins, shall be obliged
for the amount of bill."
"My uncle," said I--
"Can't go that no more," said the tailor; "can't go that no more,
begging pardon. Bill outstanding nineteen months and over; wouldn't
mind letting it run the year out, but for the cussed pressure on the
money-market: no money to be had nowhere."
"Right," said Jack; "and what makes you suppose you will get it here?
Now, Snip, my dear fellow, make yourself short. 'Tis not convenient
just now for my friend Dawkins to pay you."
"Must take up that note," said Mr. Snip; "can't think of waiting no
longer."
The rascal spoke resolutely, though more cowardly-looking than
Sniggles: but who could withstand the rage and indignation of my friend
Tickle?
"Away, you ungrateful loon!" said he; "is that the way you serve the
man that made you? Who would have employed you, you botch, if Dawkins
had not taken you up and made you fashionable?"
"Ay, demmee, Snip," said I, taking my cue from Tickle, "I say, wasn't I
the making of you? and do you come dunning me? Didn't I recommend you
into notice and business? didn't I send my friends to you?"
"Can't deny," said the tailor, "won't controvert; but must say, can't
always get my money of Mr. Dawkins's friends; but don't mean no
offence. Wouldn't think of pressing Mr. Dawkins; always said he was my
friend; wouldn't mind holding back, if Mr. Dawkins would send me good
pay-customers."
"Well," said I, thinking the man was modest in his desires, "I will:
you shall have three Johnny Raws before the week is out, and you may
charge them double."
"Very much obliged, and won't controvert," said Mr. Snip, humbly; "but
can't take no more promises."
"And you really insist upon having your money?" said Tickle.
"Ay!" said I, re-echoing his indignation, and putting on a dignity
that even awed myself, "you are determined to have your money, and to
lose your business? Tickle, hand me back that five hundred I lent you,
or enough of it to pay the rascallion--shall have it again as soon as
I can run down and see my uncle Wilkins. I say, Tickle, hand me the
money, and let me pay the ungrateful rascal off."
"If I do," said Jack, "demmee! Encourage dunning? Never!"
"He shall have his money," said I. "Here, you Snip, you man, you have
broken your own neck; come back here to-morrow at half past twelve,
with a receipt in full, take your money, and never look to make a
gentleman's coat again. Come, Tickle, it is time I was with my uncle;
you shall go along and dine with him. A fine old cock, I assure you!"
I surveyed the tailor; my dignity, and the sound of my uncle's name,
had subdued him. He slipped his bill into his pocket, and looked
penitent.
"Won't controvert a gentleman on no occasion," he said. "Always said
Mr. Dawkins was my friend; and as for Mr. Dawkins's uncle--"
"Yes!" said Jack, "yes! you said you did not believe in any such person!
did not believe there was such a person!"
"Can't controvert no gentleman," said the tailor, looking as if he had
been rubbed down with his own goose; "but never said no such thing,
Mr. Tickle. Always believed in Mr. Dawkins's uncle, but only thought
perhaps he wouldn't pay--that is, wasn't certain, and didn't mean no
offence; and so if Mr. Dawkins will say a word for me now and then to
gentlemen that wants coats, I'll leave it to his convenience; hoping
he will excuse my coming up stairs without asking, not having found no
servant, and not supposing he would take no offence, and--"
And so the rascallion was going on, heaping apology on apology, and
about to depart in contrition for his offence; when, as my evil genius
would have it, in popped Mr. Sniggles, foaming with wrath, and looking
daggers and conflagration.
"Trouble you for the amount of that 'ere small account," said the
fellow; "don't believe in no more uncles; won't be diddled no longer
for nothing; all diddle about uncle--just as Mrs. Sniggles says--no
more uncle than she has!"
"What do you mean?" said Jack Tickle; but his indignation no longer
daunted the dun, who cried out, with uncommon emphasis and effect,--
"Had my doubts about the matter, and told Mrs. Sniggles, said I, 'Mr.
Dawkins's uncle has come;' says Mrs. Sniggles, 'Run down to the tavern
and see; for no sitch thing a'n't certain till we knows it.' And so I
runs down to the Mansion House, and Mr. Wilkins wasn't there; and then
I runs to the United States, hoping it was a mistake, and Mr. Wilkins
wasn't there; and then I runs to this place and that place, and Mr.
Wilkins wasn't there; and, as Mrs. Sniggles said, Mr. Wilkins wasn't
nowhere, but 'twas all diddle, and throwing dust in my eyes. And so, as
for this here account, one hundred and forty-one dollars sixty--"
"Don't controvert no one," said Mr. Snip, who had listened all agape to
the outpourings of the other, and now turned his battery upon me again,
"but can't think of keeping the account open no longer; don't want to
be hard upon any gentleman, but must have my money."
"One hundred and forty-one dollars sixty cents," said Sniggles.
"Two hundred and thirty-seven," said Snip.
But why should I detail the particulars of that eventful hour? Even
Tickle's courage sank before the fire of the enraged assailants; and
as for mine, had it been fortified by a heart of steel and ribs of
brass, it must have yielded to the horrors that followed. Duns follow
the same laws as flies and carrion-crows; no sooner does one swoop at a
victim, than down drop a thousand others to share the feast. Scarce had
my landlord and the tailor begun the assault, when there sneaked into
the room a consumptive-looking fellow, smelling strongly of leather and
rosin, who displayed a greasy scrap of paper, and added his pipe to the
others. Then came another, with inky hands, a black spot on his nose,
and a new hat under his arm; then another, and another, and another;
until I believe there were fourteen different souls in the room (or
rather _bodies_, for I don't think they had one soul among them), all
of them armed with long bills, all clamorous for their money, and all
(each being encouraged by the example of the others) as noisy, mad, and
ferocious as any mob of free and independent republicans I ever laid
eyes on. Such a siege of dunning was perhaps never endured, except by
a poor dandy. They dunned and they dinned, they poked out their ugly
bills, and they gave loose to their inhuman tongues,--in a word, they
conducted in such a manner that I was more than once inclined to jump
out the window, being driven to complete desperation.
In the midst of all, and when I saw no escape whatever from my
persecutions, they were brought to a close by a most unexpected
incident. The door flew open, and in rushed--not a fifteenth tormentor,
as I expected--but an angel of light in the person of Nora Magee, who
screamed out at the top of her voice,--
"Och, hinny darlint, your uncle, Misther Wiggins, has come! and in a
beautiful carriage! and he looks as if he could pay your ditts twice
over! Sure, now, and ye'll ax him for my tin dollars?"