traveler who complained of an inconvenience. A gentleman sitting
opposite my friend in the stage-coach at Berwick, complained bitterly
that the cushion on which he sat was quite wet. On looking up to the
roof he saw a hole through which the rain descended copiously, and at
once accounted for the mischief. He called for the coachman, and in
great wrath reproached him with the evil under which he suffered, and
pointed to the hole which was the cause of it. All the satisfaction,
however, that he got was the quiet unmoved reply, "Ay, mony a ane has
complained o' _that_ hole." [7]
=Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes"=
In early times a Scotch laird had much difficulty (as many worthy lairds
have still) in meeting the claims of those two woful periods of the year
called in Scotland the "tarmes." He had been employing for some time, as
workman, a stranger from the south, on some house repairs. The workman
rejoiced in the not uncommon name in England of "Christmas." The laird's
servant, early one morning, called out at his bedroom door, in great
excitement, that "Christmas had run away, and nobody knew where he had
gone." He turned in his bed with the earnest ejaculation, "I only wish
he had taken Whitsunday and Martinmas along with him."
=A Patient Lady=
The Rev. John Brown, of Haddington, the well-known author of the
"Self-Interpreting Bible," was a man of singular bashfulness. In proof
of the truth of this statement I need only state that his courtship
lasted seven years. Six years and a half had passed away, and the
reverend gentleman had got no further than he had been the first six
days. This state of things became intolerable, a step in advance must be
made, and Mr. Brown summoned all his courage for the deed. "Janet," said
he one day, as they sat in solemn silence, "we've been acquainted now
six years an' mair, and I've ne'er gotten a kiss yet. D'ye think I might
take one, my bonny lass?" "Just as you like, John; only be becoming and
proper wi' it." "Surely, Janet; we'll ask a blessing." The blessing was
asked, the kiss was taken, and the worthy divine, perfectly overpowered
with the blissful sensation, most rapturously exclaimed, "Heigh! lass,
but it is _gude_. We'll return thanks." Six months after, the pious pair
were made one flesh, and, added his descendant, who humorously told the
tale, "a happier couple never spent a long and useful life
together." [9]
=Curious Pulpit Notice=
John Brown, Burgher minister at Whitburn (son of the commentator, and
father of the late Rev. Dr. John Brown, of Edinburgh, and grandfather of
the accomplished M.D. of the same name), in the early part of the
century was traveling on a small sheltie (a Shetland pony) to attend the
summer sacrament at Haddington. Between Musselburgh and Tranent he
overtook one of his own people.
"What are ye daein' here, Janet, and whaur ye gaun in this warm
weather?"
"'Deed, sir," quoth Janet, "I'm gaun to Haddington for the occasion (the
Lord's Supper), an' expeck to hear ye preach this afternoon."
"Very weel, Janet, but whaur ye gaun to sleep?"
"I dinna ken, sir, but providence is aye kind, an'll provide a bed."
On Mr. Brown jogged, but kindly thought of his humble follower;
accordingly, after service in the afternoon, before pronouncing the
blessing, he said from the pulpit, "Whaur's the auld wife that followed
me frae Whitburn?"
"Here I'm, sir," uttered a shrill voice from a back seat.
"Aweel," said Mr. Brown; "I have fand ye a bed; ye're to sleep wi'
Johnnie Fife's lass."
="Wishes Never Filled the Bag"=
There are always pointed anecdotes against houses wanting in a liberal
and hospitable expenditure in Scotland. Thus, we have heard of a master
leaving such a mansion, and taxing his servant with being drunk, which
he had too often been after country visits. On this occasion, however,
he was innocent of the charge, for he had not the _opportunity_ to
transgress. So, when his master asserted, "Jemmy, you are drunk!" Jemmy
very quietly answered, "Indeed, sir, I wish I wur."
=Not Used to It=
On one occasion an eccentric Scotchman, having business with the late
Duke of Hamilton at Hamilton Palace, the Duke politely asked him to
lunch. A liveried servant waited upon them, and was most assiduous in
his attentions to the duke and his guest. At last our eccentric friend
lost patience, and looking at the servant, addressed him thus: "What the
deil for are ye dance, dance, dancing about the room that gait; can ye
no' draw in your chair and sit down? I'm sure there's _plenty on the
table for three_." [7]
="Effectual Calling"=
Maitland, the Jacobite historian of Edinburgh, relates with infinite
zest the following anecdote of the Rev. Robert Bruce, the zealous
Presbyterian minister who boldly bearded King James I: "1589, August
15.--Robert Bruce, one of the four ministers of Edinburgh, threatening
to leave the town" (the reason from what follows, may be easily guessed
at), "great endeavors were used to prevent his going; but none, it
seems, so prevalent as that of the increase of his stipend to one
thousand merks, which the good man was graciously pleased to accept,
though it only amounted to one hundred and forty merks more than all the
stipends of the other three ministers."
=Motive for Church-Going=
An old man, who for years walked every Sunday from Newhaven to Edinburgh
to attend the late Dr. Jones' church, was one day complimented by that
venerable clergyman for the regularity of his appearance in church. The
old man unconsciously evinced how little he deserved the compliment by
this reply: "'Deed, sir, its very true; but I like to hear the jingling
o' the bells and see a' the braw folk." [9]
="Grace" with No Meat After=
A little girl of eight years of age was taken by her grandmother to
church. The parish minister was not only a long preacher, but, as the
custom was, delivered two sermons on the Sabbath day without any
interval, and thus save the parishioners the two journeys to church.
Elizabeth was sufficiently wearied before the close of the first
discourse; but when, after singing and prayer, the good minister opened
the Bible, read a second text, and prepared to give a second sermon, the
young girl being both tired and hungry, lost all patience, and cried out
to her grandmother, to the no small amusement of those who were so near
as to hear her, "Come awa', Granny, and gang home; this is a lang grace,
and nae meat." [7]
="No Better than Pharaoh"=
In a town of one of the central counties a Mr. J---- carried on, about a
century ago, a very extensive business in the linen manufacture.
Although _strikes_ were then unknown among the laboring classes, the
spirit from which these take their rise has no doubt at all times
existed. Among Mr. J----'s many workmen, one had given him constant
annoyance for years, from his argumentative spirit. Insisting one day on
getting something or other which his master thought most unreasonable,
and refused to give in to, he at last submitted, with a bad grace,
saying, "You're nae better than _Pharaoh_, sir, forcin' puir folks to
mak' bricks without straw." "Well, Saunders," quietly rejoined his
master, "if I'm nae better than Pharaoh, in one respect, I'll be better
in another, for _I'll no' hinder ye going to the wilderness whenever ye
choose_."
=Not One of "The Establishment"=
At an hotel in Glasgow, a gentleman, finding that the person who acted
as a waiter could not give him certain information which he wanted, put
the question, "Do you belong to the establishment?" to which James
replied, "No, sir; I belong to the Free Kirk."
=A Board-School Examiner Floored=
The parish minister in a town not a hundred miles from Dumfermline,
Fifeshire, was recently going his round of all the board schools in the
course of systematic examination. The day was warm, and the minister,
feeling exhausted on reaching the school, took a seat for a few minutes
to cool down and recover his breath; but even while doing so he thought
he might as well utilize the time in a congenial sort of way, being
naturally a bit of a wag. So he addressed the boys thus: "Well, lads,
can any of you tell me why black sheep eat less than white sheep?"
There was no answer to this question, and the minister, after telling
them it was because there were fewer of them, with pretended severity
said he was sorry to see them in such a state of ignorance as not to be
able to answer such a simple question, but he would give them another.
"Can any of you lads tell me what bishop of the Church of England has
the largest hat?"
Here the children were again cornered for a solution.
"What! don't you know," said the minister, "that the bishop with the
largest hat is the bishop with the largest head? But seeing I have been
giving you some puzzling questions, I will now allow you to have your
turn and put some questions to me, to see if I can answer them."
Silence fell upon the whole school. No one was apparently bold enough to
tackle the minister. At length, from the far corner of the room, a
little chap of about seven years got to his feet, and with an audacity
that actually appalled the master, cried out in a loud, shrill, piping
voice, with the utmost _sang froid_:
"Can you tell me why millers wear white caps?"
The minister was perfectly astounded, and for the life of him could find
no solution of the problem.
He began to feel somewhat uncomfortable, while the master frowned with
awful threatening in his glance at the undaunted young culprit, who
stood calmly waiting a reply to his poser.
"No, my boy," said the minister at length; "I cannot tell why millers
wear white caps. What is the reason?"
"Weel, sir," replied the young shaver, "millers wear white caps just to
cover their heads."
It is needless to remark that the roar which followed rather
disconcerted the minister, and he had some difficulty afterwards in
proceeding with his official examination.
=Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense=
An examiner at the Edinburgh University had made himself obnoxious by
warning the students against putting hats on the desk. The university in
the Scottish capital is (or was) remarkable for a scarcity of cloak
rooms, and in the excitement of examination hats are, or used to be,
flung down anywhere. The examiner announced one day that if he found
another hat on his desk he would "rip it up."
The next day no hats were laid there when the students assembled.
Presently, however, the examiner was called out of the room. Then some
naughty undergraduate slipped from his seat, got the examiner's hat, and
placed it on the desk. When the examiner re-entered the hall every eye
was fixed upon him. He observed the hat, and a gleam of triumph shot
across his face.
"Gentlemen," he continued, "I told you what would happen if this
occurred again."
Then he took his penknife from his pocket, opened it, and blandly cut
the hat in pieces amidst prolonged applause.
=New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession=
The following anecdote is an amusing illustration of the working of a
defective brain, in a half-witted carle, who used to range the county of
Galloway, armed with a huge pike-staff, and who one day met a funeral
procession a few miles from Wigtown.
A long train of carriages, and farmers on horseback, suggested the
propriety of his bestriding his staff, and following after the funeral.
The procession marched at a brisk pace, and on reaching the kirkyard
stile, as each rider dismounted, "Daft Jock" descended from his wooden
steed, besmeared with mire and perspiration, exclaiming, "Heck, sirs,
had it no' been for the fashion o' the thing, I micht as well hae been
on my ain feet." [7]
=Absence of Humor--Illustrated=
Few amusements in the world are funnier than the play of different ideas
under similar sounds, and it would be hard to find a thing more
universally understood and caught at than a pun; but there really are
individuals so made that a word can mean but one thing to them, and even
metaphors must go on all-fours. Lord Morpeth used to tell of a Scotch
friend of his who, to the remark that some people could not feel a jest
unless it was fired at them with a cannon, replied: "Weel, but how can
ye fire a jest out of a cannon, man?"
=The Best Time to Quarrel=
In Lanarkshire, there lived a sma' laird named Hamilton, who was noted
for his eccentricity. On one occasion, a neighbor waited on him, and
requested his name as an accommodation to a bill for twenty pounds at
three months date, which led to the following characteristic and truly
Scottish colloquy:
"Na, na, I canna do that."
"What for no', laird? Ye hae dune the same thing for ithers."
"Ay, ay, Tammas, but there's wheels within wheels ye ken naething about;
I canna do't."
"It's a sma' affair to refuse me, laird."
"Weel, ye see, Tammas, if I was to pit my name till't ye wad get the
siller frae the bank, and when the time came round, ye wadna be ready,
and I wad hae to pay't; sae then you and me wad quarrel; sae we mae just
as weel quarrel _the noo_, as lang's the siller's in ma pouch."
=The Horse That Kept His Promise=
A laird sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see
him; but he's an _honest beast_." The purchaser took him home. In a few
days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his
rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird,
whose reply was, "Weel, sir, I told ye he was an honest beast; many a
time has he threatened to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep
his word some day."
=A "Grand" Piano=
At Glasgow, in a private house, Dr. Von Bulow, having been asked by his
hostess what he thought of her piano, replied in these words: "Madam,
your piano leaves something to be desired. It needs new strings," he
added, in answer to the lady's inquiries as to what it really required.
"The hammers, too, want new leather," he continued; "and, while you are
about it, with the new leather, you may as well have new wood. Then,
when the inside of your piano has been completely renovated," he
concluded, having now worked himself into a rage, "call in two strong
men, throw it out of the window, and burn it in the street."
=Scottish Patriotism=
It is more common in Scotland than in England to find national feeling
breaking out in national humor upon great events connected with national
_history_. The following is perhaps as good as any: The Rev. Robert
Scott, a Scotchman, who forgot not Scotland in his southern vicarage,
tells me that at Inverary, some thirty years ago, he could not help
overhearing the conversation of some Lowland cattle-dealers in the
public room in which he was. The subject of the bravery of our navy
being started, one of the interlocutors expressed his surprise that
Nelson should have issued his signal at Trafalgar in the terms,
"_England expects_," etc. He was met with the answer (which seemed
highly satisfactory to the rest), "Ay, Nelson only said '_expects_' of
the English; he said nothing of Scotland, for he _kent_ the _Scotch_
would do theirs."
="Purpose"--not "Performance"--Heaven's Standard=
The following occurred between a laird and an elder: A certain laird in
Fife, well known for his parsimonious habits, whilst his substance
largely increased did not increase his liberality, and his weekly
contribution to the church collection never exceeded the sum of one
penny. One day, however, by mistake he dropped into the plate at the
door a five-shilling piece, but discovering his error before he was
seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the crown by
his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop,
laird; ye may put _in_ what ye like, but ye maun tak' naething _out_!"
The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said,
"Aweel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird,"
said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for a penny."
=The Book Worms=
Robert Burns once met with a copy of Shakespeare in a nobleman's
library, the text of which had been neglected and had become worm-eaten.
It was beautifully bound. Burns at once wrote the following lines:
Through and through the inspired leaves,
Ye maggots, make your windings;
But oh! respect his lordship's tastes,
And spare his golden bindings. [2]
="Uncertainty of Life" from Two Good Points of View=
"Ah, sir," said a gloomy-looking minister of the Scotch Kirk, addressing
a stranger who was standing on the bridge of the _Lord of the Isles_, as
she steamed through the Kyles of Bute, "does the thought ever occur to
ye of the great oncertainty of life?"
"Indeed it does," returned the stranger, briskly, "many times a day."
"And have you ever reflected, sir," went on the minister, "that we may
be launched into eternity at any instant?"
"Yes," returned the stranger, "I have thought of that, and said it, too,
thousands of times."
"Indeed," ejaculated the parson; "then it is possible I am speaking to a
brother meenister?"
"Well, no," answered the other promptly, "you are not. If you must know,
I am traveling agent of the Royal Lynx Life Assurance Association; and,
if you are not assured, I can strongly recommend you to give our office
a turn. You will find special terms for ministers in Table K of our
prospectus"; and handing the astonished divine a printed leaflet from
his satchel, he left him without another word.
=Providing a Mouthful for the Cow=
Old Maggie Dee had fully her share of Scotch prudence and economy. One
bonnet had served her turn for upwards of a dozen years, and some young
ladies who lived in the neighborhood, in offering to make and present
her with a new one, asked whether she would prefer silk or straw as
material.
"Weel, my lassies," said Maggie, after mature deliberation, "since ye
insist on giein' me a bonnet, I think I'll tak' a strae ane; it will,
maybe, juist be a mou'fu' to the coo when I'm through wi't."
=A Poor Place for a Cadger=
An English traveler had gone on a fine Highland road so long, without
having seen an indication of fellow-travelers, that he became astonished
at the solitude of the country; and no doubt before the Highlands were
so much frequented as they are in our time, the roads had a very
striking aspect of solitariness. Our traveler at last coming up to an
old man breaking stones, he asked him if there was any traffic on this
road--was it at _all_ frequented?
"Ay," he said, "it's no' ill at that; there was a cadger body yestreen,
and there's yoursell the day."
=The Kirk of Lamington=
As cauld a wind as ever blew,
A caulder kirk, and in't but few;
As cauld a minister's e'er spak',
Ye'se a' be het ere I come back. [2]
="Lost Labor"=
One of Dr. Macknight's parishioners, a humorous blacksmith, who thought
his pastor's writing of learned books was a sad waste of time, being
asked if the doctor was at home, answered: "Na, na; he's awa to Edinbro'
on a foolish job."
The doctor had gone off to the printer's with his laborious and valuable
work, "The Harmony of the Four Gospels." On being further asked what
this useless work might be which engaged a minister's time and
attention, the blacksmith replied: "He's gane to mak' four men agree wha
never cast (fell) out."
=A New Story Book--at the Time=
Sir Walter Scott once stated that he kept a Lowland laird waiting for
him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
Dictionary.
"Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"
"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird, "but
they're unco' short."
=Will Any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"?=
In a tramway car at Glasgow, one wet afternoon, a woman of fifty--made
up to look as nearly like twenty-five as possible--got on board at a
crossing, to find every seat occupied. She stood for a moment, and then
selecting a poorly dressed man of about forty years of age, she
observed: "Are there no gentlemen on the car?"
"I dinna ken," he replied, as he looked up and down. "If there's nane,
I'll hunt up one for you at the end of the line."
There was an embarrasing silence for a moment, and then a light broke in
on him all of a sudden, and he rose and said: "But ye can hae this seat:
I'm aye wellin' to stan' and gi'e my seat to an _auld_ bodie."
That decided her. She gave him a look which he will not forget till his
dying day, and grasping the strap she refused to sit down, even when
five seats had become vacant.
=Ham and Cheese=
On one occasion the late Rev. Walter Dunlop, of the U.P. Church,
Dumfries, after a hard day's labor, and while at "denner-tea," as he
called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs.
Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the
mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham.
"It's unco' kin' o' ye, unco' kin'--but I'll no' pit ye to the trouble;
I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me."
When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into the sack, some
difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive
genius soon cut the Gordian-knot.
"I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' would mak' a gran'
balance."
The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he
moved away with his "balance true." [7]
="A Reduction on a Series"=
When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to Scotland with a
great heiress whom he married, still retaining a paternal taste for
parsimony, he objected to the demand of two guineas made by the "priest"
at Gretna Green, stating that Captain ---- had reported the canonical
charge to be only five shillings. "True," replied Vulcan, "but Captain
---- is an Irishman, and I've married him five times; so I consider him
a regular customer; whereas, I may never see your face again."
=The Selkirk Grace=[1]
Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit. [2]
=Inconsistencies of "God's People"=
An entertaining anecdote, illustrative of life in the Scotch Highlands,
is told by a border minister who once found himself a guest at a
Presbytery meeting.
"After dinner, though there was no wine, there was no lack of whiskey.
This, each made into toddy, weak or strong, just as he liked it. No set
speeches were made or toasts proposed. After each had drunk two or three
tumblers, and no voice was heard above the hum of conversation, the
stranger got to his feet, and craving the leave of the company, begged
to propose a toast. All were silent, until the moderator, with solemn
voice, told him that God's people in that part of the country were not
in the habit of drinking toasts. He felt himself rebuked, yet rejoined,
that he had been in a good many places, but had never before seen God's
people drink so much toddy."
=Sending Him to Sleep=
"Sleepin, Tonald?" said a Highlander to a drowsy acquaintance, whom he
found ruminating on the grass in a horizontal position.
"No, Tuncan," was the ready answer.
"Then, Tonald, would you'll no' lend me ten and twenty shillings?" was
the next question.
"Ough, ough!" was the response with a heavy snore; "I'm sleepin' now,
Tuncan, my lad."
How convenient it would be if we could always evade troublesome
requests, like our Highlander here, by feigning ourselves in the land of
dreams!
=Wiser Than Solomon=
Two Scotch lairds conversing, one said to the other that he thought they
were wiser than Solomon. "How's that?" said the other. "Why," said the
first, "he did not know whether his son might not be a fool, and we know
that ours are sure to be."
=Modern Improvements=
Sir Alexander Ramsay had been constructing, upon his estate in Scotland,
a piece of machinery, which was driven by a stream of water running
through the home farmyard. There was a threshing machine, a winnowing
machine, a circular saw for splitting trees, and other contrivances.
Observing an old man, who had been long about the place, looking very
attentively at all that was going on, Sir Alexander said:
"Wonderful things people can do now, Robby?"
"Ay, indeed, Sir Alexander," said Robby; "I'm thinking that if Solomon
was alive now, he'd be thought naething o'!" [7]
=Knox and Claverhouse=
The shortest chronicle of the Reformation, by Knox, and of the wars of
Claverhouse (Claver'se) in Scotland, which we know of, is that of an old
lady who, in speaking of those troublous times remarked: "Scotland had a
sair time o't. First we had Knox deavin' us wi' his clavers, and syne
we've had Claver'se deavin' us wi' his knocks."
=A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days=