how far he had got. To this he answered, "I'm at 'A State o' Sin and
Misery.'" He then asked another what length he was, to which he replied,
"I'm just at 'Effectual Calling.'" They were both anxious, of course, to
learn how far he was himself, and having asked him, he answered, "Past
Redemption."
=An Earl's Pride and Parsimony=
A late nobleman, in whose character vanity and parsimony were the most
remarkable features, was, for a long time before he died, in the habit
of retailing the produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children
and poor people of the neighborhood. It is told, that one day observing
a pretty little girl tripping through his grounds with a milk pipkin, he
stooped to kiss her; after which he said, in a pompous tone, "Now, my
dear, you may tell your grandchildren, and tell them in their turn to
tell their grandchildren, that you had once the honor of receiving a
kiss from the Right Hon--the Earl of ----." The girl looked up in his
face, and, with a strange mixture of simplicity and archness, remarked,
"But ye took the penny for the milk, though!"
=Question and Answer=
At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates
offered to preach of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the
morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a most
excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the
evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, "Lo, here am I!" The
_impromptu_ and his sermon gained him the church.
=Robbing "On Credit"=
Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through
the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of Swanston, near the
Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They
immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon, finding a web of
coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as
they thought would make a coat for each. The woman was exceedingly
incensed at their rapacity, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine
vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried, "ye'll ha'e to
account for this yet!"
"And when will we pe account for't?"
"At the last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman.
"Ta last tay!" replied the Highlander; "tat pe cood long credit--we'll
e'en pe tak' a waistcoat, too!" at the same time cutting off a few
additional yards of the cloth.
=Taking a Light Supper=
A poet being at supper where the fare was very scanty, and not of
first-rate quality, said the following grace:
"O Thou, who blessed the loaves and fishes,
Look down upon these two poor dishes;
And though the 'taties be but sma',
Lord, make them large enough for a';
For if they do our bellies fill,
'Twill be a wondrous miracle!"
=Rustic Notion of the Resurrection=
It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist the minister in
visiting the sick; and on such occasions they give the patient and the
surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. Being generally well
acquainted in the different families, they often sit an hour or two
after the sacred rites, to chat with those who are in health, and to
receive the benefit of a dram. On one of these occasions in the house of
Donald M'Intyre, whose wife had been confined to her fireside and
armchair for many years, the elder and Donald grew _unco' gracious_.
Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, and the elder entered into
a number of metaphysical discussions, which he had heard from the
minister. Among other topics was the resurrection. The elder was
strenuous in support of the rising of the same body; but Donald could
not comprehend how a body once dissolved in the dust could be
reanimated. At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject,
he exclaimed, "Weel, weel, Sandy, ye're richt sae far; you and me, that
are strong, healthy folk, _may_ rise again; but that _puir_ thing there,
_far_ she sits" (that poor thing, where she sits) "she'll ne'er rise
again."
=A Definition of Baptism=
A Scotch clergyman, one day catechising his flock in the church, the
beadle, or church officer, being somewhat ill-read in the catechism,
thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of
escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed and called him
forward. "John," said he, "what is baptism?" "Ou, sir," answered John,
scratching his head, "ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and fifteenpence
to the precentor."
=No End to His Wit=
A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his wit, was
conversing with a lady, who, at last, overpowered by the brilliance and
frequency of his _bon mots_, exclaimed, "Stop, sir; there is really no
end to your wit." "God forbid, madam," replied the humorist, "that I
should ever be at my wit's end."
=Leaving the Lawyers a Margin=
A man from the country applied lately to a respectable solicitor in this
town for legal advice. After detailing the circumstances of the case, he
was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. "Ou, ay,
sir," rejoined the applicant, "I thought it best to tell you the plain
truth; ye can put the _lees_ till't yoursel'."
=A Lunatic's Advice to Money Lenders=
The following curious conversation actually occurred in a garden
attached to a lunatic asylum, near Dumfries. The interlocutors were the
keeper, a very respectable man, and one of the most manageable of his
patients:
"Tak' it easy, tak' it easy, Jamie; ye're no working against time, man;
and when you come near the border, be sure and keep your feet aff the
flowers."
"The flowers! hurt the bonnie sweet flowers!" said Jamie; "Na, na, I'm
no sae daft as that comes to, neither; I wad as soon chap off my ain
fingers as crush ane o' them. There's the summer snaw-drap already
keeking through its green sheath; as weel as daisies and primroses, an'
the thing they ca' rocket; although it would mak' but a puir cracker on
the king's birthday--He! he! he! Ay, there's heartsease and rowantree,
sprigs o' which I aye wear next my skin; the tane to fleg awa' the
witches, an' the tither to keep my heart frae beating. An' there's the
ginty wee flower that I gied a bit o' to Tibby Dalrymple, wha tint her
wits for love, an' wha said sae muckle to me through the grating o' her
cell, about the gude that the smell o' the flower wad do her, that I
couldna find i' my heart to deny her, puir thing."
"Very weel, Jamie," replied the keeper, "be a guid lad, an' continue to
dress that little corner until I come back frae the sands."
"Ou, ay!" rejoined Jamie, "this is Wednesday, an' you'll be gaun down to
meet wi' some o' your country friends. It's changed time wi' them, I
jalous; whaur the public-house used to sell a gallon o' whiskey, they
dinna sell a mutchkin noo, I hear; but that's naething, their customers
will get sooner hame to their families; an' then they'll be fewer bane
broken riding fule races. But tak' care o' yoursel', Mr. ----, tak' care
that some o' them dinna come Yorkshire ower you. They'll be inviting you
in to tak' a dram, nae doubt, an' making a puir mouth about the badness
o' times, trying to borrow a little siller frae you. But if I was you,
I'll tell ye what I wad dae. I wad get twa purses made, and ca' ane o'
them '_Somebody_,' and the ither '_A' the World_'; an' next I wad pit a'
my siller in the first, and no' a bawbee in the second; and then, when
any o' them spak' o' borrowing, I wad whup out the toom purse, and
shaking't before the chiel's een, swear that I hadna a ha'penny in '_A'
the World_,' until I gat it frae '_Somebody_!'"
=Prophesying=
A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is more indebted to his manuscript
than to his memory, called unceremoniously at a cottage while its
possessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged (a daily exercise) in
perusing a paragraph of the writing of an inspired prophet. "Weel,
John," familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, "what's this you are
about?" "I am prophesying," was the prompt reply. "Prophesying!"
exclaimed the astonished divine; "I doubt you are only reading a
prophesy." "Weel," argued the religious rustic, "gif reading a preachin'
be preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesying?"
=Definition of Metaphysics=
A Scotch blacksmith being asked the meaning of "Metaphysics," explained
it as follows: "When the party who listens dinna ken what the party who
speaks means, and when the party who speaks dinna ken what he means
himself--that is 'metaphysics.'"
=His Word and His Bond Equally Binding=
A crusty tenant of the late Laird D----, pressing him to complete some
piece of work which had long stood over, the laird craved further delay,
adding that he would give his word of honor--nay, his written bond, to
have the thing done before a certain day.
"Your word!" exclaimed the tenant, "it's weel kenn'd _that_ will do me
little guid; and as for your writing, naebody can read it."
=Bad Arithmeticians often Good Book-Keepers=
Sir Walter Scott, in lending a book one day to a friend, cautioned him
to be punctual in returning it. "This is really necessary," said the
poet in apology; "for though many of my friends are bad
_arithmeticians_, I observe almost all of them to be good
_book-keepers_."
=Curious Misunderstanding=
An itinerant vendor of wood in Aberdeen having been asked how his wife
was, replied, "O she's fine, I hae ta'en her to Banchory"; and on it
being innocently remarked that the change of air would do her good, he
looked up and with a half-smile said, "Hoot, she's i' the kirkyard."
="Terms--'Cash Down'"=
A story is told of a member of the Scotch Faculty of Advocates,
distinguished for his literary attainments. One day, presenting himself
on horseback at a toll, he found, on searching his pockets, that he had
not a farthing about him wherewith to purchase a right of passage. He
disclosed his circumstances to the man who kept the bar, and requested
that he might have credit till he came back; but the fellow was deaf to
all entreaties, representing how often he had been bilked by persons
promising the same thing. The advocate was offended at this insinuation,
and, drawing himself up in the saddle, exclaimed: "Look at my face, sir,
and say if you think I am likely to cheat you?" The man looked as he was
desired, but answered, with a shake of his head, "I'll thank you for the
twapence, sir." Mr. ---- was obliged to turn back.
=Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law=
The Lord Justice-Clerk is the chief judge of the Scottish Criminal
Court, in addition to which dignity he sits at the head of one division
of the great Civil Court of the country. It will thus be understood by a
southern reader that he is a personage of no small local dignity. A
bearer of this office was once shooting over the grounds of a friend in
Ayrshire by himself, when a game-keeper, who was unacquainted with his
person, came up and demanded to see his license, or card of permission.
His lordship had, unfortunately nothing of the sort about his person;
but, secure in his high character and dignity, he made very light of the
omission, and was preparing to renew his sport. The man, however, was
zealous in his trust, and sternly forbad him to proceed any further over
the fields. "What, sirrah," cries his lordship, "do you know whom you
are speaking to? I am the Lord Justice-Clerk!" "I dinna care," replied
the man, "whase clerk ye are; but ye maun shank aff these grounds, or,
by my saul, I'll lay your feet fast." The reader is left to conceive the
astonishment of the unfortunate judge at finding himself treated in a
style so different from his wont.
="Nothing," and How to See It=
An Irish priest, proceeding to chapel, observed several girls seated on
a tombstone, and asked them what they were doing there? "Nothing at all,
please your riverence," was the reply of one of them. "Nothing?" said
the priest; "what is nothing?"
"Shut your eyes, your riverence," retorted the girl, "and you'll see
it."
=Why Not?=
A gentleman the other day, visiting a school at Edinburgh, had a book
put in his hand for the purpose of examining a class. The word
"inheritance" occurring in the verse, the querist interrogated the
youngest as follows:
"What is inheritance?"
"Patrimony."
"What is patrimony?"
"Something left by a father."
"What would you call it if left by a mother?"
"Matrimony."
=True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee=
In the committee on the factory bill, the following sensible question
was put to a witness named Peter Stuart, the overseer of the factory at
Dundee. Question: "When do your girls marry?" "_Whenever they can meet
with men!_"
=Pretending to Make a Will=
An old gentleman was one evening amusing the junior members of his
family, and a number of their acquaintances, by making up a sort of
imaginary will, in which he destined so much to one and so much to
another; the eight-day clock to his niece or nephew, the bed to that,
the table to a third, and so on. "But what will you leave to me, Mr.
K.----?" said a lady, who felt impatient to know what was to be her lot.
"I leave you _out_," replied the testator.
=Unusual for a Scotchman=
A countryman having read in the newspapers accounts of different bank
failures, and having a hundred pounds deposited in a respectable banking
company in Aberdeen, he became alarmed for its safety, hastened to town,
and, calling at the bank, presented his deposit receipt, and, on
demanding his money was paid, as is customary, with notes of the bank;
he grasped them in his hand, and having got within reach of the door
turned round, and exclaimed, "Noo, sir, ye may braik when ye like."
=An Author and His Printer=
It is well known to literary people, that, in preparing works for the
printer, after the proof sheets have been seen by the author, to go over
them again, and clear them of what are called typographical errors--such
as wrong spellings, inaccuracies of punctuation, and similar
imperfections. In performing this office for a celebrated northern
critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the habit of introducing
a much greater number of commas than it appeared to the author the sense
required. The case was provoking, but did not produce a formal
remonstrance, until Mr. W----n himself accidentally afforded the learned
editor an opportunity of signifying his dissatisfaction with the
plethora of punctuation under which his compositions were made to labor.
The worthy printer coming to a passage one day which he did not
understand, very naturally took it into his head that it was
unintelligible, and transmitted it to his employer, with a remark on the
margin, that there appeared some "obscurity in it."
The sheet was immediately returned, with the reply, which we give
_verbatim_: "Mr. J---- sees no obscurity here, except such as arises
from the quantity of commas, which Mr. W----n seems to keep in a
pepper-box beside him, for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with."
=A Keen Reproof=
A certain person, to show his detestation of Hume's infidel opinions
always left any company where he happened to be, if Hume joined it. The
latter, observing this, took occasion one day to reprehend it as
follows: "Friend," said he, "I am surprised to find you display such a
pointed aversion to me; I would wish to be upon good terms with you
here, as, upon your own system, it seems very probable we shall be
doomed to the same place hereafter. You think I shall be dammed for want
of faith, and I fear you will have the same fate for want of charity."
=The Scotch Mason and the Angel=
The late Mr. Douglas, of Cavers, in Roxburghshire, one day walked into
Cavers churchyard, where he saw a stonemason busily engaged in carving
an angel upon a gravestone. Observing that the man was adorning the
heavenly spirit, according to the custom of the age, with a grand
flowing periwig, Mr. Douglas exclaimed to him, "in the name of wonder,
who ever saw an angel with a wig?" "And in the name of wonder," answered
the sculptor, "wha ever saw an angel _without_ ane?"
=A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-Witted Preacher=
A half-witted itinerant preacher, well-known in the county of Ayr, was
stopped one evening on the road to Stewarton, by a band of shearers, who
insisted on his retiring to a neighboring field to give them a sermon.
After many attempts on his part to get off, and threats on theirs if he
did not comply, the honest man was compelled to consent; and, from the
back of his shaggy haired sheltie, he delivered to his bare-footed
audience the following extemporaneous effusion, taking for his text
these words: "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I
return thither." (Job 1: v. 21.) "In discoursing from these words," said
the preacher, "I shall observe the three following things: (1) Man's
ingress into the world; (2) His progress through the world; and (3) His
egress out of the world. First, man's ingress into the world is naked
and bare; secondly, his progress through the world is trouble and care;
thirdly, his egress out of the world is nobody knows where. To
conclude: If we do well here, we shall do well there. And I could tell
you no more were I to preach a whole year."
=More Witty Than True=
There lived about the beginning of last century an Episcopalian
clergyman of the name of Robert Calder, who was considered an
extraordinary wit, and, who, at least, must be allowed to have used very
extraordinary expressions. He published a _jeu d' esprit_ under the form
of a catechism, in which a person is made to ask: "Who was the first
Presbyterian?" The answer is "Jonah." "How do ye make Jonah out to be
the first Presbyterian?" is again asked. "Why," answers the other,
"because the Lord wanted him to gang east and he gaed wast!" (The same
might be said of Adam and all who preceded or succeeded Jonah--not
excepting Robert Calder.--Ed.)
=The Parson and His "Thirdly"=
A certain minister had a custom of writing the heads of his discourse on
small slips of paper, which he placed on the Bible before him to be used
in succession. One day when he was explaining the second head, he got so
excited in his discourse, that he caused the ensuing slip to fall over
the side of the pulpit, though unperceived by himself. On reaching the
end of the second head, he looked down for the third slip; but alas! it
was not to be found. "Thirdly," he cried looking around him with great
anxiety. After a little pause, "Thirdly," again he exclaimed; but still
no thirdly appeared. "Thirdly, I say, my brethren," pursued the
bewildered clergyman; but not another word could he utter. At this
point, while the congregation were partly sympathizing, and partly
rejoicing at this decisive instance of the impropriety of using notes in
preaching--which has always been an unpopular thing in Scotland, an old
woman rose up and thus addressed the preacher: "If I'm no' mista'en,
sir, I saw thirdly flee out at the east window, a quarter of an hour
syne."
=Scotch Ingenuity=
The Jacobite lairds of Fife were once, on the occasion of an election,
induced to sign the oath of abjuration in great numbers, in order to
vote for a friend of their party. It was much against their conscience;
but the case was such as to make them wink pretty hard. During the
carousal which followed, Mr. Balfour, of Forrat, a Jacobite of the old
stamp, began, to their surprise, to inveigh against them as a set of
perjured rascals, not remembering apparently, that he had signed as well
as the rest. They burst out with one universal question: "How can you
speak this way, Forrat, since you are just as guilty as ony o' us?"
"That am I no'," said Forrat, with a triumphant air of innocence and
waggery; "look ye at the list of names, and ye'll see the word _witness_
at the end of mine. I just signed as witness to your perjury!"
=Bolder Than Charles the Bold=
Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, being in company with
Charles the Bold, King of France, that monarch asked him good humoredly,
what was the difference between a Scot and a sot. Scotus, who sat
opposite the king, answered, "Only the breadth of the table."
="Short Commons"=
A Mid-Lothian farmer, observed to his ploughboy that there was a fly in
his milk.
"Oh, never mind, sir," said the boy; "it winna droon; there's nae meikle
o't."
"Gudewife," said the farmer, "Jock says he has ower little milk."
"There's milk enough for a' my bread," said the sly rogue.
=The Shoemaker and Small Feet=
A lady, who seemed rather vain, entered a bootmaker's shop one day with
the usual complaint; "Why, Mr. S----, these boots you last made for me
are much too big; I really can't understand how you always make that
mistake. Can you not make small boots?"
"Ou, ay," quickly responded the man; "I can mak' sma' buits, but I'm
sorry I canna mak' sma' feet."
=Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave=
An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper flat of a house in
Prince's Street, opposite the West Church Burying-ground, Edinburgh,
from which the chain of Pentland Hills formed a beautiful background,
after having been made acquainted with all its conveniences, and the
beauty of its situation, elegantly enumerated by the builder, he
requested her to cast her eye on the romantic hills at a distance, on
the other side of the church-yard. The lady admitted that she had
"certainly a most pleasant prospect _beyond the grave_."
=Pulpit Foolery=
The Rev. Hamilton Paul, a Scotch clergyman, is said to have been a
reviver of Dean Swift's walk of wit in choice of texts. For example,
when he left the town of Ayr, where he was understood to have been a
great favorite with the fair sex, he preached his valedictory sermon
from this passage, "And they all fell upon Paul's neck and kissed him."
Another time, when he was called on to preach before a military company
in green uniforms, he preached from the words, "And I beheld men like
trees walking." Paul was always ready to have a gibe at the damsels.
Near Portobello, there is a sea-bathing place named Joppa, and Paul's
congregation was once thinned by the number of his female votaries who
went thither. On the Sabbath after their wending he preached from the
text, "Send men to Joppa." In a similar manner he improved the occasion
of the mysterious disappearance of one of his parishioners, Moses
Marshall, by selecting for his text the passage from Exodus xxii, "As
for this Moses, we wot not what is become of him." He once made serious
proposals to a young lady whose Christian name was Lydia. On this
occasion the clerical wit took for his text: "And a certain woman, named
Lydia, heard us; whose heart the Lord opened, that she attended unto the
things which were spoken of Paul." [9]
=A Restful Preacher=
Dean Ramsay relates that the Earl of Lauderdale was alarmingly ill, one
distressing symptom being a total absence of sleep, without which the
medical man declared he could not recover. His son, who was somewhat
simple, was seated under the table, and cried out, "Sen' for that
preaching man frae Livingstone, for fayther aye sleeps in the kirk." One
of the doctors thought the hint worth attending to, and the experiment
of "getting a minister till him" succeeded, for sleep came on and the
earl recovered. [7]
=Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible=
A Bishop of Dunkeld, in Scotland, before the Reformation, thanked God
that he never knew what the Old and New Testaments were, affirming that
he cared to know no more than his Portius and Pontifical. At a diet in
Germany, one Bishop Albertus, lighting by chance upon a Bible, commenced
reading; one of his colleagues asked him what book it was. "I know not,"
was the reply, "but this I find, that whatever I read in it, is utterly
against our religion." [9]
=The Same with a Difference=
A young wit asked a man who rode about on a wretched horse: "Is that the
same horse you had last year?" "Na," said the man, brandishing his whip
in the interrogator's face in so emphatic a manner as to preclude
further questioning; "na, but it's the same _whup_." [7]
=Official Consolation and Callousness=