yes!--an that's the third and last time. All manner of person or persons
whatsover let 'em draw near, an' I shall let 'em ken that there is a
fair to be held at the muckle town of Langholm, for the space of aught
days, wherein any hustrin, custrin, land-hopper dub-shouper, or
gent-the-gate-swinger, shall breed any hurdam, durdam, rabble-ment,
babble-ment or squabble-ment, he shall have his lugs tacked to the
muckle throne with a nail of twa-a-penny, until he's down on his
bodshanks, and up with his muckle doup, and pray to ha'en nine times,
'God bless the King,' and thrice the muckle Laird of Reltown, paying a
goat to me, Jemmy Ferguson, baillie to the aforesaid manor. So you've
heard my proclamation, and I'll gang hame to my dinner."
="Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear!"=
Some time ago a good wife, residing in the neighborhood of Perth, went
to town to purchase some little necessaries, and to visit several of her
old acquaintances. In the course of her peregrinations she had the
misfortune to lose a one-pound note. Returning home with a saddened
heart she encountered her husband, employed in the cottage garden, to
whom she communicated at great length all her transactions in town,
concluding with the question: "But man you canna guess what's befaun
me?"
"Deed, I canna guess," said the husband, resting musingly on his spade.
"Aweel," rejoined his helpmate, "I hae lost a note; but dinna be
angry--for we ought to be mair than thankfu' that we had ane to lose!"
=The Philosophy of Battle and Victory=
During the long French war two old ladies in Scotland were going to the
kirk. The one said to the other: "Was it no' a wonderful thing that
Breetish were aye victorious in battle?"
"Not a bit," said the other lady; "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say
their prayers before gaun into battle?"
The other replied: "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?"
The reply was most characteristic. "Hoot! sic jabberin' bodies; wha
could understand them if thae did?"
=Patriotism and Economy=
When Sir John Carr was at Glasgow, in the year 1807, he was asked by the
magistrates to give his advice concerning the inscription to be placed
on Nelson's monument, then just completed. The knight recommended this
brief record: "Glasgow to Nelson."
"True," said the baillies, "and as there is the town of Nelson near us,
we might add, 'Glasgow to Nelson nine miles,' so that the column might
serve for the milestone and a monument."
=Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife!=
"Husband, husband, cease your strife,
Nor longer idly rave, sir!
Tho' I am your wedded wife,
Yet, I'm not your slave, sir!"
"_One of two must still obey,
Nancy, Nancy;
Is it man, or woman, say,
My spouse, Nancy?_"
"If 'tis still the lordly word--
'Service' and 'obedience,'
I'll desert my sov'reign lord,
And so, good-by, allegiance!"
_"Sad will I be, so bereft,
Nancy, Nancy!
Yet, I'll try to make a shift,
My spouse, Nancy."_
"My poor heart, then break it must,
My last hour, I'm near it;
When you lay me in the dust,
Think, think how you'll bear it."
_"I will hope and trust in heaven,
Nancy, Nancy;
Strength to bear it will be given,
My spouse, Nancy."_
"Well, sir, from the silent dead
Still I'll try to daunt you,
Ever round your midnight bed
Horrid sprites shall haunt you."
_"I'll wed another_, like my dear
Nancy, Nancy;
_Then, all hell will fly for fear
My spouse, Nancy."_ [2]
=A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park=
People in Finsbury Park, one Sunday in August, 1890, were much edified
by the drily humorous remarks of a canny Scotchman who was holding a
religious service. The "eternal feminine" came in for severe strictures,
this man from auld Reekie speaking of woman as "a calamity on two legs."
He had also a word or two to say on government meanness, of which this
is an illustration. An old friend of his who had been through Waterloo,
retired from the army on the munificent pension of 13½_d._ per day. When
he died the government claimed his wooden leg! [3]
=A Saving Clause=
A Scotch teetotal society has been formed among farmers. There is a
clause in one of the rules that permits the use of whiskey at
sheep-dipping time. One worthy member keeps a sheep which he dips every
day.
=The Man at the Wheel=
Dr. Adam, in the intervals of his labors as rector of the High School of
Edinburgh, was accustomed to spend many hours in the shop of his friend
Booge, the famous cutler, sometimes grinding knives and scissors, at
other times driving the wheel. One day two English gentlemen, attending
the university, called upon Booge (for he was an excellent Greek and
Latin scholar), in order that he might construe for them some passage in
Greek which they could not understand. On looking at it, Booge found
that the passage "feckled" him; but, being a wag, he said to the
students, "Oh, it's quite simple. My laboring man at the wheel will
translate it for you. John!" calling to the old man, "come here a
moment, will you?"
The apparent laborer came forward, when Booge showed him the passage in
Greek, which the students wished to have translated. The old man put on
his spectacles, examined the passage, and proceeded to give a learned
exposition, in the course of which he cited several scholastic authors
in support of his views as to its proper translation. Having done so, he
returned to his cutler's wheel.
Of course the students were amazed at the learning of the laboring man.
They said they had heard much of the erudition of the Edinburgh
tradesmen, but what they had listened to was beyond anything they could
have imagined. [1]
=Spiking an Old Gun=
When Mr. Shirra was parish minister of St. Miriam's, one of the members
of the church was John Henderson, or Anderson--a very decent douce
shoemaker--and who left the church and joined the Independents, who had
a meeting in Stirling. Some time afterwards, when Mr. Shirra met John
on the road, he said, "And so, John, I understand you have become an
Independent?"
"'Deed, sir," replied John, "that's true."
"Oh, John," said the minister, "I'm sure you ken that a rowin' (rolling)
stane gathers nae fog" (moss).
"Ay," said John, "that's true, too; but can ye tell me what guid the fog
does to the stane?" [7]
=Playing at Ghosts=
Some boys boarded with a teacher in Scotland, whose house was not very
far from a country church-yard. They determined to alarm the old
grave-digger, who was in the habit of reaching his cottage, often late
at night, by a short cut through the burying-ground. One boy, named
Warren, who was especially mischievous, and had often teased old Andrew,
dressed himself up in a white sheet, and, with his companions, hid
behind the graves.
After waiting patiently, but not without some anxiety and fear, for
Andrew, he was at last seen approaching the memorial-stone behind which
Warren was ensconced. Soon a number of low moans were heard coming from
among the graves.
"Ah, keep us a'!" exclaimed Andrew. "What's that?"
And as he approached slowly and cautiously towards the tombstones, a
white figure arose, and got taller and taller before his eyes.
"What's that?" asked Andrew, with a voice which seemed to tremble with
fear, although, if anyone had seen how he grasped his stick, he would
not have seen his hand tremble.
"It's the resurrection!" exclaimed the irreverent Bully Warren.
"The resurrection!" replied Andrew. "May I tak' the leeberty o' askin',"
he continued slowly, approaching the ghost, "if it's the general ane, or
are ye jist takin' a quiet daunder by yersel'?"
So saying, Andrew rushed at the ghost, and seizing it--while a number of
smaller ghosts rose, and ran in terror to the schoolhouse--he exclaimed,
"Come awa' wi' me! I think I surely haena buried ye deep eneuch, when
ye can rise so easy. But I hae dug a fine deep grave this morning, and
I'll put ye in't, and cover ye up wi' sae muckle yirth, that, my werd,
ye'll no' get out for another daunder."
So saying, Andrew, by way of carrying out his threats, dragged Master
Bully Warren towards his newly-made grave.
The boy's horror may be imagined, as Andrew was too powerful to permit
of his escape. He assailed the old man with agonized petitions for
mercy, for he was a great coward.
"I'm not a ghost! Oh, Andrew, I'm Peter Warren! Andrew! Don't burry me!
I'll never again annoy you! Oh--o--o--o--o!"
Andrew, after he had administered what he considered due punishment, let
Warren off with the admonition: "Never daur to speak o' gude things in
yon way. Never play at ghaists again, or leevin' folk like me may grup
you, an' mak' a ghaist o' ye. Aff wi ye!"
="Two Blacks Don't Make a White"=
The family of a certain Scotch nobleman having become rather irregular
in their attendance at church, the fact was observed and commented on by
their neighbors. A lady, anxious to defend them and to prove that the
family pew was not so often vacant as was supposed, said that his
lordship's two black servants were there every Sunday. "Ay," said a
gentleman present, "but two blacks don't mak' a white."
=From Pugilism to Pulpit=
Fuller was in early life, when a farmer lad at Soham, famous as a boxer;
not quarrelsome, but not without "the stern delight" a man of strength
and courage feels in his exercise. Dr. Charles Stewart, of Dunearn,
whose rare gifts and graces as a physician, a divine, a scholar, and a
gentleman, live only in the memory of those few who knew and survive
him, liked to tell how Mr. Fuller used to say, that when he was in the
pulpit, and saw a _buirdly_ man come along the passage, he would
instinctively draw himself up, measure his imaginary antagonist, and
forecast how he would deal with him, his hands meanwhile condensing into
fists, and tending to "square." He must have been a hard hitter if he
boxed as he preached--what "the fancy" would call "an ugly customer." [4]
=A Consistent Seceder=
A worthy old seceder used to ride from Gargrennock to Bucklyvie every
Sabbath to attend the Burgher Kirk. One day, as he rode past the parish
kirk of Kippen, the elder of the place accosted him, "I'm sure, John,
it's no' like the thing to see you ridin' in sic' a downpour o' rain sae
far by to thae seceders. Ye ken the mercifu' man is mercifu' to his
beast. Could ye no step in by?"
"Weel," said John, "I wadna care sae muckle about stablin' my beast
inside, but it's anither thing mysel' gain' in." [7]
="No Road this Way!"=
The following anecdote is told regarding the late Lord Dundrennan: A
half-silly basket-woman passing down his avenue at Compstone one day, he
met her, and said, "My good woman, there's no road this way."
"Na, sir," she said, "I think ye're wrang there; I think it's a most
beautifu' road." [7]
=Shakespeare--Nowhere!=
It is related, as characteristic of the ardor of Scottish nationality,
that, at a representation of Home's _Douglas_, at Glasgow or Edinburgh,
a Scotchman turned, at some striking passage in the drama, and said to a
Southron at his elbow: "And wher's your Wully Shakespeare noo?"
=Steeple or People?=
Shortly after the disruption of the Free Church of Scotland from the
church paid by the State, a farmer going to church met another going in
the opposite direction.
"Whaur are ye gaen?" said he. "To the Free Kirk?"
"Ou, ay, to the Free Kirk," cried the other in derision:
"The Free Kirk--
The wee kirk--
The kirk wi'out the steeple!"
"Ay, ay," replied the first, "an' ye'll be gaen till
"The auld kirk--
The cauld kirk--
The kirk wi'out the people!"
This ended the colloquy for that occasion.
=Hume Canonized=
Hume's house in Edinburgh stood at the corner of a new street which had
not yet received any name. A witty young lady, a daughter of Baron Ord,
chalked on the wall of the house the words, "St. David's Street." Hume's
maid-servant read them, and apprehensive that some joke was intended
against her master, went in great alarm to report the matter to him.
"Never mind, my lass," said the philosopher; "many a better man has been
made a saint of before."
=Two Ways of Mending Ways=
The Rev. Mr. M----, of Bathgate, came up to a street pavior one day, and
addressed him: "Eh, John, what's this you're at?"
"Oh! I'm mending the ways of Bathgate!"
"Ah, John, I've long been tryin' to mend the ways o' Bathgate, an'
they're no' weel yet."
"Weel, Mr. M----, if you had tried my plan, and come doon to your
_knees_, ye wad maybe hae come maar speed!"
=The Prophet's Chamber=
A Scotch preacher, being sent to officiate one Sunday at a country
parish, was accommodated at night in the manse in a very diminutive
closet, instead of the usual best bedroom appropriated to strangers.
"Is this the bedroom?" he said, starting back in amazement.
"'Deed, ay, sir; this is the prophet's chamber."
"It must be for the _minor_ prophets, then," said the discomfited
parson.
=Objecting to Long Sermons=
A minister in the north was taking to task one of his hearers who was a
frequent defaulter, and was reproaching him as an habitual absentee from
public worship. The accused vindicated himself on the plea of a dislike
to long sermons.
"'Deed, man," said his reverend minister, a little nettled at the
insinuation thrown out against himself, "if ye dinna mend, ye may land
yerself where ye'll no' be troubled wi' mony sermons, either lang or
short."
"Weel, aiblins sae," retorted John, "but it mayna be for want o'
ministers."
=A Serious Dog and for a Serious Reason=
A Highland gamekeeper, when asked why a certain terrier, of singular
pluck, was so much more solemn than the other dogs, said: "Oh, sir,
life's full o' sairiousness to him--he first can never get enuff o'
fechtin'."
=A Clever "Turn"=
Lord Elibank, the Scotch peer, was told that Dr. Johnson, in his
dictionary, had defined oats to be food for horses in England and for
men in Scotland. "Ay," said his lordship, "and where else can you find
such horses and such men?"
=Entrance Free, and "Everything Found"=
A member of the Scottish bar, when a youth, was somewhat of a dandy, and
was still more remarkable for the shortness of his temper. One day,
being about to pay a visit to the country, he made a great fuss in
packing up his clothes for the journey, and his old aunt, annoyed at the
bustle, said: "Whaur's this you're gaun, Robby, that you mak' sic a
grand ware about your claes?"
The young man lost his temper, and pettishly replied, "I am going to the
devil."
"'Deed, Robby, then," was the quiet answer, "ye need na be sae nice, for
he'll just tak' ye as ye are."
=Two Questions on the Fall of Man=
The Rev. Ralph Erskine, one of the fathers of the secession from the
Kirk of Scotland, on a certain occasion paid a visit to his venerable
brother, Ebenezer, at Abernethy.
"Oh, man!" said the latter, "but ye come in a gude time. I've a diet of
examination to-day, and ye maun tak' it, as I have matters o' life and
death to settle at Perth."
"With all my heart," quoth Ralph.
"Noo, my Billy," says Ebenezer, "ye'll find a' my folk easy to examine
but ane, and him I reckon ye had better no' meddle wi'. He has our
old-fashioned Scotch way of answering a question by putting another, and
maybe he'll affront ye."
"Affront me!" quoth the indignant theologian; "do ye think he can foil
me wi' my ain natural toils?"
"Aweel," says his brother, "I'se gie ye fair warning, ye had better no'
ca' him up."
The recusant was one Walter Simpson, the Vulcan of the parish. Ralph,
indignant at the bare idea of such an illiterate clown chopping divinity
with him, determined to pose him at once with a grand leading
unanswerable question. Accordingly, after putting some questions to some
of the people present, he all at once, with a loud voice, cried out,
"Walter Simpson!"
"Here, sir," says Walter, "are ye wanting me?"
"Attention, sir! Now Walter, can you tell me how long Adam stood in a
state of innocence?"
"Ay, till he got a wife," instantly cried the blacksmith. "But," added
he, "can _you_ tell me hoo lang he stood after?"
"Sit doon, Walter," said the discomfited divine.
=The Speech of a Cannibal=
"Poor-man-of-mutton" is a term applied to a shoulder-of-mutton in
Scotland after it has been served as a roast at dinner, and appears as
a broiled bone at supper, or at the dinner next day. The Scotch Earl of
B----, popularly known as Old Rag, being at an hotel in London, the
landlord came in one morning to enumerate the good things in the larder.
"Landlord," said the Earl of B----, "I think I _could_ eat a morsel of
poor man." This strange announcement, coupled with the extreme ugliness
of his lordship, so terrified Boniface that he fled from the room and
tumbled down the stairs. He supposed that the Earl, when at home, was in
the habit of eating a joint of a vassal, or tenant, when his appetite
was dainty.
=Not "in Chains"=
A Londoner was traveling on one of the Clyde steamers, and as it was
passing the beautiful town of Largs, then little larger than a village,
and unnoticed in his guide-book, he asked a Highland countryman, a
fellow passenger, its name.
"Oh, that's Largs, sir."
"Is it incorporated?"
"Chwat's your wull, sir?"
"Is it incorporated?"
"Chwat's your wull, sir?"
"Dear me! Is it a borough? Has it magistrates?"
"Oh, yess, sir. Largs has a provost and bailies."
Anxious to have the question of incorporation settled, and aware that
Scotch civic magistrates are invested with golden chains of office,
which they usually wear round their necks, our London friend put his
next question thus: "Do the magistrates wear chains?"
The countryman very indignantly replied, "Na, na, sir; the provost and
bailies o' Largs aye gang loose."
=A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself=
"The stately step of a piper" is a proverb in Scotland, which reminds us
of an anecdote of a certain noble lord, when in attendance upon the
Queen at Balmoral, a few years ago. Having been commissioned by a
friend to procure a performer on the pipes--he applied to her majesty's
piper--a fine stalwart Highlander; and on being asked what kind of
article was required, his lordship said in reply, "Just such another as
yourself." The consequential Celt readily exclaimed "There's plenty o'
lords like yourself, but very few sic pipers as me."
=A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.)=
Mr. Dunlop happened one day to be present in a Church Court in a
neighboring presbytery. A Rev. Dr. was one day asked to pray, and
declined.
On the meeting adjourning, Mr. Dunlop stepped up to the doctor, and
asked how he did. The doctor never having been introduced, did not
reply.
Mr. Dunlop withdrew, and said to a friend, "Eh! but is' na he a queer
man, that doctor; he'll neither speak to God nor man?"
=A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing=
In the parish church of Fettercairn, a custom existed, and indeed still
lingers in some parts of Scotland, of the precentor on communion Sabbath
reading out each single line of the psalm before it was sung by the
congregation. This practice gave rise to a somewhat unfortunate
introduction of a line from the First Psalm. In most churches in
Scotland the communion tables are placed in the centre of the church.
After sermon and prayer the seats round these tables are occupied by the
communicants while a psalm is being sung. On one communion Sunday, the
precentor observed the noble family of Eglinton approaching the tables,
and saw that they were likely to be kept out by those who pressed in
before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out
to an individual whom he considered to be the principal obstacle in the
passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of Eglinton"; and
then, turning again to his psalm-book, gave out the line, "Nor stand in
sinners' way."
=Living With His Uncle=
A little boy had lived some time with a penurious uncle, who took good
care that the child's health should not be injured by overfeeding. The
uncle was one day walking out, the child at his side, when a friend
accosted him, accompanied by a greyhound. While the elders were talking,
the little fellow, never having seen a dog so slim and slight in
texture, clasped the creature round the neck with the impassioned cry,
"Oh, doggie, doggie, and did ye live wi' your uncle, tae, that ye are so
thin?" [7]
=Pulpit Familiarity=
A pastor of a small congregation of Dissenters in the west of Scotland,
who, in prayer, often employed terms of familiarity towards the great
Being whom he invoked, was addressing his petition in the season of an
apparently doubtful harvest, that He would grant such weather as was
necessary for ripening and gathering in the fruits of the ground; when
suddenly, he added, "But what need I talk? When I was up at Shotts the
other day, everything was as green as leeks."
=A Churl Congratulated=
Hume went to a newspaper office, and laid on the counter an announcement
of the death of some friend, together with five shillings, the usual
price of such advertisements. The clerk, who had a very rough manner,
demanded seven shillings and sixpence, the extra charge being for the
words: "he was universally beloved and regretted." Hume paid the money,
saying, gravely, "Congratulate yourself, sir, that this is an expense
which your executors will never be put to."
=Touching Each Other's Limitations=
There once lived in Cupar a merchant whose store contained supplies of
every character and description, so that he was commonly known by the
sobriquet of "Robbie A' Thing." One day a minister who was well known
for making a free use of his notes in the pulpit, called at the store
asking for a rope and pin to tether a young calf in the glebe.
Robbie at once informed him that he could not furnish such articles to
him.
But the minister being somewhat importunate, said: "Oh! I thought you
were named 'Robbie A' Thing,' from the fact that you keep all kinds of
goods."
"Weel, a weel," said Robbie, "I keep a' thing in my shop but calf's
tether-pins, and paper sermons for ministers to read."
="Having the Advantage"=
The Rev. Mr. Johnstone, of Monquhitter, a very grandiloquent pulpit
orator in his day, accosting a traveling piper, well known in the
district, with the question, "Well, John, how does the wind pay?"
received from John, with a low bow, the answer, "Your reverence has the
advantage of me." [7]
=Giving Them the Length of His Tongue=
A lawyer in an Edinburgh court occupied the whole day with a speech
which was anything but interesting to his auditors.
Some one, who had left the court-room and returned again after the
interval of some hours, finding the same harangue going on, said to Lord
Cockburn, "Is not H---- taking up a great deal of time?"
"Time?" said Cockburn; "he has long ago exhausted time, and encroached
upon eternity."
=Sectarian Resemblances=
A friend of mine used to tell a story of an honest builder's views of
church differences, which was very amusing and quaintly professional. An
English gentleman who had arrived in a Scottish county town, was walking
about to examine various objects which presented themselves, and
observed two rather handsome places of worship in the course of erection
nearly opposite each other. He addressed a person, who happened to be
the contractor for the chapels, and asked, "What was the difference
between these two places of worship which was springing up so close to
each other?" meaning, of course, the difference of the theological
tenets of the two congregations.
The contractor, who thought only of architectural differences,
innocently replied, "There may be a difference of sax feet in length,
but there's no' aboon a few inches in breadth."
Would that all religious differences could be brought within so narrow a
compass. [7]
=A Process of Exhaustion=
A Scotch minister was asked if he was not very much exhausted after
preaching three hours. "Oh, no," he replied; "but it would have done you
good to see how worried the people were."
=A Thoughtless Wish=
A landed proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he
said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke
replied, "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for yours_."
=Sunday Thoughts on Recreation=
The Rev. Adam Wadderstone, minister in Bathgate, was an excellent man
and as excellent a curler, who died in 1780. Late one Saturday night one
of his elders received a challenge from the people of Shotts to the
curlers of Bathgate to meet them early on Monday morning; and after
tossing about half the night at a loss how to convey the pleasing news
to the minister, he determined to tell him before he entered the pulpit.