action of '84 against Hyder Ali, in which her son (then Captain Baird,
afterwards Sir David Baird) was engaged; it was stated that he and other
officers had been taken prisoners and chained together two and two. The
friends were careful in breaking such sad intelligence to the mother of
Captain Baird. When, however, she was made fully to understand the
position of her son and his gallant companions, disdaining all weak and
useless expressions of her own grief, and knowing well the restless and
athletic habits of her son, all she said was, "Lord, pity the chiel
that's chained to our Davy!" [7]
=Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain=
When Lord Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war in 1724, and was
cruising off the coast of Guinea, his lieutenant, a Scotch Presbyterian,
came hastily into the cabin, and told his lordship that the chaplain was
dead, and what was worse, he died a Roman Catholic. Lord Clancarty
replied that he was very glad of it. "Hoot fie, my lord," said the
officer, "what, are ye glad that yer chaplain died a pawpish?" "Yes,"
answered his lordship, "for he is the first sea-parson I ever knew that
had any religion at all." [9]
=An Idiot's Views of Insanity=
A clergyman in the north of Scotland, on coming into church one Sunday
morning, found the pulpit occupied by the parish idiot (a thing which
often happens in some English parishes--with this difference, that
instead of the minister finding the idiot in the pulpit, it is the
_people_ who find him). The authorities had been unable to remove him
without more violence than was seemly, and therefore waited for the
minister to dispossess Sam of the place he had, assumed. "Come down,
sir, immediately," was the peremptory and indignant call; and on Sam
remaining unmoved, it was repeated with still greater energy. Sam,
however, very confidentially replied, looking down from his elevation,
"Na, na, meenister, just ye come up wi' me. This is a perverse
generation, and faith, they need us baith." [7]
=Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation=
A man who knows the world, will not only make the most of everything he
does know, but of many things he does not know, and will gain more
credit by his adroit mode of hiding his ignorance, than the pedant by
his awkward attempt to exhibit his erudition. In Scotland, the "_jus et
norma loquendi_" has made it the fashion to pronounce the law term
curator curator. Lord Mansfield gravely corrected a certain Scotch
barrister when in court, reprehending what appeared to English usage a
false quantity, by repeating--"Curator, sir, if you please." The
barrister immediately replied, "I am happy to be corrected by so great
an orator as your lordship."
=Satisfactory Security=
Patrick Forbes, Bishop of Aberdeen, had lent an unlucky brother money,
until he was tired out, but the borrower renewed his application, and
promised security. The bishop on that condition consented to the loan:
"But where is your security?" said he, when the poor fellow replied:
"God Almighty is my bondsman in providence; he is the only security I
have to offer." So singular a reply of a despairing man smote the
feelings of the bishop, and he thus replied: "It is the first time
certainly that such a security was ever offered to me; and since it is
so, take the money, and may Almighty God, your bondsman, see that it
does you good." [9]
=Better than a Countess=
Mrs. Coutts, wife of the eminent banker, and previously Miss Mellon, the
celebrated actress, made her appearance one day at one of the principal
promenades in Edinburgh, dressed in a most magnificent style, so as to
quite overawe our northern neighbors. "Hoot, mon," said a gentleman
standing by, who did not know who she was, "yon's a braw lady; she'll be
a countess, I'm thinking." "No," replied an eminent banker, "not just a
_countess_, but what's better, a _dis-countess_."
=Remembering Each Other=
Mr. Miller, of Ballumbie, had occasion to find fault with one of his
laborers, who had been improvident, and known better days. He was
digging a drain, and he told him if he did not make better work he
should turn him off. The man was very angry, and throwing down his
spade, called out in a tone of resentment, "Ye are ower pridefeu', Davie
Miller. I mind ye i' the warld when ye had neither cow nor ewe." "Very
well," replied Mr. Miller, mildly, "I remember you when you had both."
=Marriages Which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed=
Archbishop Leighton never was married. While he held the See of
Dumblane, he was of course a subject of considerable interest to the
celibate ladies in the neighborhood. One day he received a visit from
one of them who had reached the age of desperation. Her manner was
solemn though somewhat embarrassed; it was evident from the first that
there was something very particular on her mind. The good bishop spoke
with his usual kindness, encouraged her to be communicative, and by and
by drew from her that she had had a very strange dream, or rather, as
she thought, a revelation from heaven. On further questioning, she
confessed that it had been intimated to her that she was to be united in
marriage to the bishop. One may imagine what a start this gave to the
quiet scholar, who had long ago married his books, and never thought of
any other bride. He recovered, however, and very gently addressing her,
said that "Doubtless these intimations were not to be despised. As yet,
however, the designs of heaven were but imperfectly explained, as they
had been revealed to only one of the parties. He would wait to see if
any similar communication should be made to himself, and whenever it
happened he would be sure to let her know." Nothing could be more
admirable than this humor, except perhaps the benevolence shown in so
bringing an estimable woman off from a false position. [9]
=Not Up to Sample=
"How did it happen," asked a lady of a very silly Scotch nobleman, "that
the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking,
men of more ability than those who remained at home?"
"Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are
persons stationed to examine all who pass, that for the honor of the
country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of
understanding."
"Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."
=The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances Were Against Them"=
A good many years ago, when her majesty was spending a short time in the
neighborhood of the Trossachs, the Princesses Louise and Beatrice paid
an unexpected visit to an old female cottager on the slopes of
Glenfinlas, who, knowing that they had some connection with the royal
household, bluntly ejaculated: "Ye'll be the Queen's servants, I'm
thinkin'?"
"No," they quietly rejoined; "we are the Queen's daughters."
"Ye dinna look like it," was the immediate reply of the unusually
outspoken Celt, "as ye hae neither a ring on your fingers, nor a bit
gowd i' your lugs!"
="Oo"--with Variations=
The following is a dialogue between a Scotch shopman and a customer,
relating to a plaid hanging at the shop door:
_Customer (inquiring the material)_: "Oo" (Wool)?
_Shopman_: "Ay, oo" (Yes, wool).
_Customer_: "A' oo" (All wool)?
_Shopman_: "Ay, a' oo" (Yes, all wool).
_Customer_: "A' ae oo" (All same wool)?
_Shopman_: "Ay, a' _ae_ oo" (Yes, all the same wool). [7]
=A Widow's Promise=
The clerk of a large parish, not five miles from Bridgenorth, Scotland,
perceiving a female crossing a churchyard in a widow's garb with a
watering can and bundle, had the curiosity to follow her, and he
discovered her to be Mrs. Smith, whose husband had not long been
interred.
The following conversation took place:
"Ah, Mrs. Smith, what are you doing with your watering can?"
"Why, Mr. Prince, I have begged a few hay-seeds, which I have in a
bundle, and am going to sow them upon my husband's grave, and have
brought a little water with me to make 'em spring."
"You have no occasion to do that, as the grass will soon grow upon it,"
replied the clerk.
"Ah, Mr. Prince, that may be; but, do you know, my husband, who now
lives there, made me promise him on his death-bed I would never marry
again till the grass grew over his grave, and having a good offer made
me, I dinna wish to break my word, or be kept as I am."
=Drunken Wit=
The late Rev. Mr. Neal, one of the ministers of the West Church, when
taking a walk in the afternoon, saw an old woman sitting by the roadside
evidently much intoxicated, with her bundle lying before her in the mud.
He immediately recognized her to be one of his parishioners.
"Will you just help me with my bundle, gudeman?" said she, as he
stopped.
"Fie, fie, Janet," said the pastor, "to see the like o' you in such a
plight. Do you not know where all drunkards go to?"
"Ah, sure," said Janet, "they just go whaur a drap o' gude drink is to
be got."
=Popularity Tested by the Collection=
The late Dr. Cook, of Addington, after assisting the late Dr. Forsyth,
of Morham, at a communion service, repaired as usual to the manse. While
in the enjoyment of a little social intercourse, the minister of
Morham--which, by the way, is one of the smallest parishes in
Scotland--quietly remarked to his brother divine: "Doctor, you must be a
very popular man in the parish." "Ay," replied the doctor, "how's that?"
"Why," rejoined the other, "our usual collection is threepence, but
to-day it is ninepence!" "Eh, is that all?" said Dr. Cook, "then wae's
me for my popularity, for I put in the extra sixpence myself!"
=An "Exceptional" Prayer=
A minister in the North, returning thanks in his prayers one Sabbath for
the excellent harvest, began as usual, "O Lord, we thank Thee," etc.,
and went on to mention the abundance of the harvest and its safe
ingathering; but feeling anxious to be quite candid and scrupulously
truthful, added, "all except a few fields between this and Stonehaven
_not worth mentioning_."
="Verra Weel Pitched"=
A Scotchman was riding a donkey one day across a sheep pasture, but when
the animal came to a sheep drain he would not go over. So the man rode
back a short distance, turned, and applied the whip, thinking, of
course, that the donkey, when at the top of his speed, would jump the
drain. But when the donkey got to the drain he stopped sharply and the
man went over his head and cleared the drain. No sooner had he touched
the ground than he got up, and, looking the beast straight in the face,
said: "Verra weel pitched, but, then, hoo are ye goin' to get ower
yersel'?"
=An Out-of-the-Way Reproof=
King James I, being one day in the North, a violent tempest burst loose
and a church being the nearest building, his majesty took shelter there,
and sat down in an obscure and low seat. The minister had just mounted
the pulpit and soon recognized the king, notwithstanding his plain
costume. He commenced his sermon, however, and went on with it logically
and quietly, but at last, suddenly starting off at a tangent, he
commenced to inveigh most violently against the habit of swearing, and
expatiated on this subject till the end of his discourse.
After the sermon was ended the king had his dinner, to which he invited
the minister, and when the bottle had circulated for a while: "Parson,"
says the king, "why didst thou flee so from thy text?"
"If it please your majesty," was the reply, "when you took the pains to
come so far out of your way to hear me, I thought it very good manners
for me to step a little way out of my text to meet with your majesty."
"By my saul, mon," exclaimed James, "and thou hast met with me so as
never mon did."
It will be remembered that James I was notorious for cursing and
swearing, in a manner almost verging on blasphemy. [9]
=A Castle Stor(e)y=
A Glasgow antiquary recently visited an old castle, and asked one of the
villagers if he knew anything of an old story about the building.
"Ay," said the rustic, "there was another auld storey, but it fell down
lang since."
=A Satisfactory Explanation=
A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than
as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man
who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct.
Amazed at the constant repetition of a word he did not understand, the
bailie petulantly said: "What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot
the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?"
"The defunct's dead, my lord," replied the witness.
"Oh, puir man, that alters the case," said the sapient administrator of
the law.
=Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff=
Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was
summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his
workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he
did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to
three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, "I advised the fules
to settle, for I saw that the shirra-officer wad tak' their coates, the
lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lordship's haunds ye'd
tear the skin aff them." Sandy was ordered to stand down.
=A Grammatical Beggar=
A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the
Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the
inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: "Go away," said he,
"go, we canna gie ye naething."
"You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch
dignity, "have refused me grammatically."
=Good Enough to Give Away=
A woman entered a provision shop and asked for a pound of butter, "an'
look ye here, guidman," she exclaimed, "see an' gie me it guid, for the
last pound was that bad I had to gie't awa' to the wifie next door."
=A Dry Preacher=
On one occasion when coming to church, Dr. Macknight, who was a much
better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of
rain, entered the vestry, soaked through. Every means were used to
relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew on for divine
service, he became very querulous, and ejaculated over and over again:
"Oh! I wish that I was dry! Do you think that I am dry? Do you think
that I am dry eneuch noo?" Tired by these endless complaints, his jocose
colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, at last replied: "Bide a wee,
doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch, gin ye once get into the pu'pit." [9]
=A Poetical Question and Answer=
Mr. Dewar, a shop-keeper at Edinburgh, being in want of silver for a
bank note, went into the shop of a neighbor of the name of Scott, whom
he thus addressed:
"Master Scott,
Can you change me a note?"
Mr. Scott's reply was:
"I'm not very sure, but I'll see."
Then going into his back room he immediately returned and added:
"Indeed, Mr. Dewar,
It's out of my power,
For my wife's away with the key."
=Drinking by Candle Light=
The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of a hundred years ago resorted
were generally very obscure and mean--at least they would appear such
now; and many of them were situated in the profound recesses of the old
town, where there was no light from the sun, the inmates having to use
candles continually.
A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day to drop into one of
these dens; and as they sat a good while drinking, they at last forgot
the time of day. Taking their impressions from the candles, they just
supposed that they were enjoying an ordinary evening debauch.
"Sirs," said one of them at last, "it's time to rise; ye ken I'm a
married man, and should be early at home." And so they all rose, and
prepared to stagger home through the streets, which at night were but
dimly lighted with oil; when, lo and behold! on their emerging from the
tavern, they suddenly found themselves projected into the blaze of a
summer afternoon, and at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand
curious eyes, which were directed to their tipsy and negligent figures.
=Disqualified to be a Country Preacher=
The gentleman who has been rendered famous by the pen of Burns, under
the epithet of _Rumble John_, was one Sunday invited to preach in a
parish church in the Carse of Stirling, where, as there had been a long
course of dry weather, the farmers were beginning to wish for a gentle
shower; for the sake of their crops then on the eve of being ripe. Aware
of this Mr. Russell introduced a petition, according to custom, into his
last prayer, for a change of weather. He prayed, it is said, that the
windows of heaven might be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground
and fulfill the hopes of the husbandmen. This was asking too much; for,
in reality, nothing was wanting but a series of very gentle showers. As
if to show how bad a farmer he was, a thunder storm immediately came on,
of so severe a character, that before the congregation was dismissed,
there was not an upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Carse. The
farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and that apparently by
the ignorance of the clergyman, shook their heads to one another as they
afterwards clustered about the churchyard; and one old man was heard to
remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly out, "That lad may be very
gude for the town, as they say he is, but I'm clear that he disna
understan' _the kintra_."
=Grim Humor=
An English traveler was taking a walk through a Scotch fishing village,
and being surprised at the temerity of the children playing about the
pier, he said to a woman who stood by: "Do not the children frequently
drop in?"
"Ay, ay, the fule things, they often fa' ower the pier," she answered
coolly.
"God bless me! Lost of course?"
"Na, na," was the reply; "noo and then, to be sure, a bairn's drooned,
but unfortunately there's maistly some idle body in the way to fish oot
the deevils!"
=Sabbath Zeal=
The reverence for the Sabbath in Scotland sometimes takes a form one
would have hardly anticipated. An old Highland man said to an English
tourist: "They're a God-fearin' set o' folks here, 'deed they are, an'
I'll give ye an instance o't. Last Sabbath, just as the kirk was
skalin', there was a drover chiel frae Dumfries along the road,
whistlin' and lookin' as happy as if it was ta middle o' ta week. Weel,
sir, our laads is a God-fearin' set o' laads, and they yokit upon him
an' a'most killed him."
=At the End of His Tether=
An old Scotch lady was told that her minister used notes. She
disbelieved it. Said one: "Go into the gallery and see!"
She did so, and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had
concluded his reading on the last page, he said: "But I will not
enlarge."
The old woman cried out from her lofty position: "Ye canna! ye canna,
for yer paper's give oot!"
=A Thrifty Proposal=
It is said that before the opening of the Glasgow Exhibition the laying
out of the garden and grounds were under discussion, and it was
suggested that a gondola would look ornamental on the water.
"Well," said a member of the town council, "I think we may as well have
a _pair_, and they might _breed_."
=Was He a Liberal or a Tory?=
A keen politician, in the City of Glasgow, heard one day of the death of
a party opponent, who in a fit of a mental aberration, had shot himself.
"Ah," said he, "gane awa' that way by himsel', has he? I wish that he
had ta'en twa or three days' shooting among his friends before he went!"
=Advice on Nursing=
A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to Bishop Alexander, of
Dunkeld, and said he wished to marry a girl of the neighborhood whom he
named. The bishop, a non-juring Scottish Episcopalian of the middle of
last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into the motive of
this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the old man the awkward
apology, that he married to have a nurse. Too knowing to believe such a
statement, the good bishop quietly replied, "See, John, then, and make
her ane."
=A Critic on His Own Criticism=
Lord Eldon, so remarkable for his naïf expression, being reminded, of a
criticism which he had formerly made upon a picture which he himself had
forgotten, inquired, "Did I say that?" "Yes." "Then if I said that,"
quoth the self-satisfied wit, "it was _deevilish gude_."
=Holding A Candle to the Sun=
A wet and witty barrister, one Saturday encountered an equally
Bacchanalian senatorial friend, in the course of a walk to Leith.
Remembering that he had a good joint of mutton roasting for dinner, he
invited his friend to accompany him home; and they accordingly dined
together, _secundum morem solitum_. After dinner was over, wine and
cards commenced; and, as they were each fond of both, neither thought of
reminding the other of the advance of time, till the church bell next
day disturbed them in their darkened room about a quarter before eleven
o'clock. The judge then rising to depart, Mr. ---- walked behind him to
the outer door, with a candle in each hand, by way of showing him out.
"Tak' care, my lord, tak' care," cried the kind host most anxiously,
holding the candles out of the door into the sunny street, along which
the people were pouring churchwards; "Tak' care; there's twa steps."
=A False Deal=
A gentleman was one night engaged with a judge in a tremendous drinking
bout which lasted all night, and till within a single hour of the time
when the court was to open next morning. The two cronies had little more
than time to wash themselves in their respective houses when they had to
meet again, in their professional capacities of judge and pleader, in
the Parliament House. Mr. Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), it appears,
had, in the hurry of his toilet, thrust the pack of cards he had been
using over night into the pocket of his gown; and thus as he was going
to open up the pleading, in pulling out his handkerchief, he also pulled
out fifty-two witnesses of his last night's debauch, which fell
scattered within the bar. "Mr. Clerk," said his judicial associate in
guilt, with the utmost coolness, "before ye begin, I think ye had better
take up your hand."
=A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee=
Two fishwives in London were talking about the Queen's jubilee. "Eh,
wumman," said one to the other, "can ye tell me what a jubilee is, for I
hear a' the folks spakin' aboot it?"
"Ou, ay," replied the other, "I can tell ye that. Ye see when a man and
a wumman has been marrit for five-and-twenty years, that's a silver
waddin; and when they've been marrit for fifty years, that's a gouden
waddin; but when the man's deed, that's a jubilee!"
=A Drunkard's Thoughts=
An inebriate, some time back, got into a tramcar in Glasgow, and became
very troublesome to the other passengers; so much so that it was
proposed to eject him. A genial and right reverend doctor, who was also
a passenger took him in hand, however, and soothed him into good
behavior for the rest of the journey. Before leaving, the man shook
hands warmly with the doctor, after scowling at the other occupants of
the car, and said: "Good-day, my freen', I see ye ken what it is to be
foo'."
=A Lofty "Style"=
The late Mr. Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in the Commissary Court
of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pompous and inflated style of
language. Having made an appointment with the late Honorable Henry
Erskine, on some particular business, and failing to attend, he
apologized for it, by telling the learned barrister that his brother,
the Laird of Balbirnie, in passing from one of his enclosures to
another, had fallen down from the stile and sprained his ankle. This
trifling accident he related in language highly pedantic and
bombastical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, "It
was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was not from _your_
style he fell, or he had broken his neck, instead of spraining his
ankle!"
During the time the above-named gentleman presided in court, his sister,
Miss Balfour, happened to be examined as a witness in a cause then
before the court. Andrew began in his pompous way, by asking, "Woman,
what is thy name? what is thy age? and where is thy usual place of
residence?" To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only replied, by
staring him broad in the face, when the questions were again repeated,
with all the grimace and pedantry he was master of, which the lady,
observing, said, "Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer ain sister?" To
which the judge answered, "Woman, when I sit in court I administer
justice; I know no one, neither father or mother, sister or brother!"
=Depression--Delight--Despair=