asked his servant where he should go. His servant said: "Go where there
is most sin, sir."
The preacher concluded that good advice, and went where there was most
money.
=Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon=
Dean Ramsay tells the following quaint story of Scotch life:
There was a worthy old woman at Cults, whose place in church was what is
commonly called the lateran--a kind of senate gallery at the top of the
pulpit stairs. She was a most regular attendant, but as regularly fell
asleep during the sermon, of which fault the preacher had sometimes
audible intimation.
It was observed, however, that though Janet slept during her own
pastor's discourse, she could be attentive enough when she pleased, and
especially was she alert when some young preacher occupied the pulpit. A
little piqued at this, Mr. Gillespie said to her one day: "Janet, I
think you hardly behave respectfully to your own minister in one
matter."
"Me, sir?" exclaimed Janet; "I would like to see ony mon, no' to say
woman, but yoursel', say that o' me! What can you mean, sir?"
"Weel, Janet, ye ken when I preach you're almost always fast asleep
before I've given out my text, but when any of these young men from St.
Andrew's preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I
call no' using me as you should do."
"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll soon tell you the reason
of that. When you preach, we a' ken the word o' God's safe in your
hands; but when they young birkies tak it in haun, my certie, but it
tak's us a' to look after them." [7]
=Spinning it Out=
As a verbose preacher was addressing the congregation on a certain
occasion, one by one of his officials dropped out of the church into the
vestry. As the last one who left put his head into the vestry, those who
had preceded him inquired if the prolix speaker had not finished his
address. "Well," said he, "his tow's dune lang syne, but he's aye
spinnin' awa' yet."
=A Wife's Protection=
"Wake up, wake up; there's a man in the house!" cried Mrs. Macdougal to
her husband the other night. Mac rolled out of bed and grasped his
revolver, and opened the door to sally forth for the robber. Then,
turning to his wife, he said: "Come, Maggie, and lead the way. It's a
cowardly man that would hurt a woman."
=Scotch Provincialism=
A gentleman from Aberdeen was awoke one night lately in an hotel in
Princes Street by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the window, he called
out, "Watchman, far eist?" (Where is it?). The watchman thanked him and
went to the Register Office, where he found he was going in the wrong
direction and returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called to
by the Aberdonian, who bawled out, "Watchman, far was't?" (Where was
it?) On looking up to him, the watchman replied, "Ye're a leein'
scoonril; ye first tell'd me it was far east, an' noo ye say it's far
west; but I tell ye it's neither e' tane or e' tither, cause it's ower
i' e' Coogate."
=More Polite than Some Smokers=
The other day a man who indulged in "the weed," took a seat in a
carriage set apart for smokers on the Tynemouth line. He lost no time in
getting up a cloud, and whilst puffing away he was accosted by a decent
elderly female sitting in an opposite corner.
"Is this a smokin' carriage, sor?"
"Yes, good woman," he replied; "but if my pipe annoys you" (obligingly
taking it from his lips), "I'll put it out."
"No, hinny," said she, drawing a well-used "cutty" from beneath her
shawl; "aa's gawin' to hev a pipe mesel'!"
=The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie=
An English tourist visited Arran, and being a keen disciple of Isaac
Walton, was arranging to have a good day's sport. Being told that the
horse-fly would suit his purpose admirably for bait, he addressed
himself to Christy, the Highland servant-maid. "I say, my girl, can you
get me some horse-flies?"
Christy looked stupid, and he repeated his question. Finding that she
did not yet comprehend him, he exclaimed: "Why, girl, did you never see
a horse-fly?"
"Naa, Sir," said the girl; "but a wanse saw a coo jump over a
preshipice."
=Not at Home=
One evening, John Clerk (Lord Eldon) had been dipping rather too freely
in the convivial bowl with a friend in Queen Street, and on emerging
into the open air, his intellect became to a considerable extent
confused, and not being able to distinguish objects with any degree of
minuteness or certainty, he thought himself in a fair way of losing the
road to his own house in Picardy Place. In this perplexity he espied
some one coming towards him, whom he stopped with this query: "D'ye ken
whaur John Clerk bides?"
"What's the use o' your speerin' that question?" said the man; "you're
John Clerk himsel'."
"I ken that," said John; "but it's no himsel' that's wanted--it's his
house."
=Faring Alike=
_First Scotch Boatman_: "Weel, Geordie, how got ye on the day?"
_Second Ditto_ (_droughty--he had been out with a Free Kirk minister, a
strict abstainer_): "Nae ava. The auld carle had nae whusky, sae I took
him where there was nae fush!"
="Saddling the Ass"=
Dr. Guthrie, in the course of an address in the New Free College,
remarked that he was often annoyed and vexed beyond measure to find
discourses of the ablest character murdered and massacred by a wretched
delivery. Some ministers appeared to have a habit of emphasizing every
third word or so; and he would tell them an anecdote which he had heard
to illustrate the importance of correct reading. A minister once reading
I Kings xiii: 13, read it thus: "And the prophet said unto his sons,
_Saddle me the ass_. So they saddled _him_, the ass."
=An Open Question=
A Scottish minister, being one day engaged in visiting some members of
his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
he opened the door and walked in, saying with an authoritative voice, "I
should like to know who is head of this house?" "Weel, sir," said the
husband and father, "if ye sit down a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell
ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."
=Domestics in By-gone Days=
Dean Ramsay records the following anecdote in his "Reminiscences of
Scottish Life and Character": The charge these old domestics used to
take in the interests of the family, and the cool way in which they took
upon them to protect those interests, sometimes led to very provoking
and sometimes to a very ludicrous exhibition of importance. A friend
told me of a dinner scene illustrative of this sort of interference
which had happened at Airth in the last generation. Mrs. Murry, of
Abercairney, had been amongst the guests, and at dinner one of the
family noticed that she was looking about for the proper spoon to help
herself to salt. The old servant, Thomas, was appealed to, that the want
might be supplied. He did not notice the appeal. It was repeated in a
more peremptory manner: "Thomas, Mrs. Murry has not a salt-spoon"; to
which he replied most emphatically, "Last time Mrs. Murry dined here we
_lost_ a salt-spoon." [7]
=A Misdeal=
A celebrated Scotch divine had just risen up to the pulpit to lead the
congregation in prayer, when a gentlemen in front of the gallery took
out his handkerchief to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting that a
pack of cards was wrapped up in it; the whole pack was scattered over
the breast of the gallery. The minister could not resist a sarcasm,
solemn as the act was in which he was about to engage. "O man, man!
surely your psalm-book has been ill-bund."
="A Sign of Grace"=
A good story is told by Mr. Aird, Moderator of the Free Church of
Scotland, respecting a minister who in the old days of patronage was
forced upon a congregation at Alness. He was coldly received, but
calling one day upon an old elder, he took a chair in spite of his gruff
reception. In order to meet an awkward pause, he took out his snuff-box.
"Oh," said the elder, "ye tak' snuff, dae ye?"
"Oh, yes," was the reply.
"Weel," said the elder, "that's the fust sign of grace I've seen in ye."
"How's that?"
"Dae we nae read o' Solomon's temple," replied the elder, "that a' the
snuffers were of pure gold?"
=Extraordinary Absence of Mind=
A certain Scottish professor was not more remarkable for his writings on
political economy, than for his frequent unconsciousness of what passed
before him. His absence of mind was so remarkable, that his wife once
wagered that she would accost him in the street, inquire after the
health of herself and family, and that he would not recognize her. She
actually won the wager.
The professor was once taking a solitary walk on the banks of the canal,
into which in his abstraction, he walked. When within a yard of the
centre, an honest woman washing clothes behind him, bawled out, "Come
oot, come oot, fule body, or ye'll be droon't."
These warning sounds invading the tympanum of the professorial ear, had
the effect of making him turn right about and forthwith recover the dry
ground. The good woman, concluding him to be an idiot, sympathetically
exclaimed, "Puir body! a weel, they hae muckle to answer for that lets
ye gang yer lane!"
=Salmon or Sermon=
A clergyman in Perthshire, who was more skilful as an angler than
popular as a preacher, having fallen into conversation with some of his
parishioners on the benefits of early rising, mentioned as an instance,
that he had that very morning, before breakfast, composed a sermon, and
killed a salmon--an achievement on which he plumed himself greatly.
"Aweel, sir," observed one of the company, "I would rather have your
salmon than your sermon."
="Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer=
A countryman in Scotland, who was very fond of apples, especially if
they came cheap, was one day getting over the hedge into his neighbor's
orchard, who, happening to be walking towards the spot at the time,
cried out, "Hoot, hoot, Sandy, where are thee ganging?"
"Bock again, now you are there," replied the thief, with the utmost
_sang froid_.
=A "Kippered" Divine=
It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from
Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The
foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was
told that it meant "preserved." The poor man, in public prayer, soon
after, offered a petition that the distinguished divine might long be
"kippered to the Free Church of Scotland."
=Scotch Caution versus Suretiship=
The old Jews and the old Scotch Highlanders had one feeling in common--a
dread of suretiship. The Book of Proverbs contains several warnings of
the danger that lurks in a surety bond, but none are more admonishing
than one uttered by an Highlander. Donald had been tried for his life,
and narrowly escaped conviction. In discharging him the judge thought it
proper to say: "Prisoner, before you leave the bar, I'll give you a
piece of advice. You have got off this time, but if you ever come before
me, again, I'll be caution (surety) you'll be hanged."
"Thank you, my lord," said Donald, "for your good advice, and as I'm no'
ungratefu', I beg to gie your lordship a piece of advice in turn. Never
be 'caution' for anybody, for the cautioner has often to pay the
penalty."
=A Descendant of the Stuarts=
A gentleman from the north, being of a genealogical turn of mind,
believed that he had discovered in his pedigree some remote connection
with the royal Stuart blood. Going south, he made much of his presumed
relationship, until he was generally spoken of in bated breath by his
innocent English friends, "as a descendant of the Stuarts." At a public
gathering he was thus mentioned, and the description instantly engaged
the rapt attention of a new arrival from Caledonia.
"A descendant o' the Stuarts!" he cried; "eh, sirs, I'd like feine to
see ane o' the royal race."
"Then there he is," answered the interlocutor, pointing him
out--"there--the gentleman standing in front of the fireplace."
"Gude sakes!" said the astonished Scot; "that's just my ain brither
Jack."
="Law" Set Aside by "Gospel"=
It is related that a Scotch minister chanced to meet two of his
parishioners in the office of a lawyer, whom he regarded as being too
sharp.
The lawyer jocularly and not very graciously put the question: "Doctor,
these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as
black or white sheep?"
"I don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or
white sheep, but I know if they are here long they are pretty sure to be
well fleeced."
="Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away"=
A gentleman was once riding in Scotland by a bleaching ground, where a
woman was at work watering her webs of linen-cloth. He asked her where
she went to church, what she heard, and how much she remembered of the
preceding day's sermon. She could not even remember the text.
"And what good can the preaching do you," said he, "if you forget it
all?"
"Ah, sir," replied the woman, "if you look at this web on the grass, you
will see that as fast as ever I put the water on it the sun dries it all
up; and yet, see, it grows whiter and whiter."
=A Harmless Joke=
Sandy Merton was a half-witted fellow who lived in a small town in the
west of Scotland. One day Sandy entered the doctor's shop, carrying
under his arm a rusty gun.
"Well, Alexander," said the doctor, "who gave you the gun?"
"Maister Tamson, the publican, gied me it, an' he said the only kind o'
poother it wud shoot wi' was Seidlitz poother; sae gie I tuppence
worth."
=Looking before Leaping=
A bluff, consequential gentleman from the South, with more beef on his
bones than brains in his head, riding along the Hamilton road, near to
Blantyre, asked a herdboy on the roadside, in a tone and manner
evidently meant to quiz, if he were "half way to Hamilton?" "Man,"
replied the boy, "I wad need to ken where ye hae come frae afore I could
answer that question."
="Lichts Oot!"=
An old Highland sergeant in one of the Scottish regiments, was going his
round one night to see that all the lights were out in the barrack
rooms. Coming to a room where he thought he saw a light shining, he
roared out: "Put oot that licht there!"
One of the men shouted back: "Man, it's the mune, sergeant."
Not hearing very well, the sergeant cried in return: "I dinna care a
tacket what it is--pit it oot!"
=A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "a Glass"--and Gets it=
A teetotal minister, who was very particular about his toilet, went to
preach one Sunday for a brother minister in a parish in Kinross-shire.
On entering the vestry he looked around in search of a mirror, to see
that his appearance was all right before entering the pulpit, but,
failing to find one, he said to the beadle: "John, can I have a glass
before entering the pulpit?"
"Certainly, sir!" replied John. "Just bide a wee, and I'll get ane for
ye immediately"; and he left the vestry at once.
On his return the minister said: "Well, John, have you succeeded?"
"Yes, sir," replied John; "I've brocht a gill. That'll be a glass for
the forenoon, and anither for the afternoon."
="Old Bags"=
Lord Eldon, who was well known by the nick-name "Old Bags," in one of
his sporting excursions, unexpectedly came across a person who was
sporting over his land without leave. His lordship inquired if the
stranger was aware he was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate
belonged? "What's that to do with you?" was the reply. "I suppose you
are one of Old Bags' keepers." "No," replied his lordship, "I am Old
Bags himself."
=A Poem for the Future=
The late Dr. Jamieson, the Scottish lexicographer, was vain of his
literary reputation, and, like many others who knew not where their
great strength lies, thought himself gifted with a kind of intellectual
able-to-do-everything. The doctor published a poem, entitled "Eternity."
This poem became the subject of conversational remark, soon after
publication, at a party where the doctor was present, and a lady was
asked her opinion of it. "It's a bonny poem," said she, "and it's weel
named Eternity, for it will ne'er be read in time."
=A Badly Arranged Prayer=
A Presbyterian minister in the reign of King William III, performing
public worship in the Tron Church at Edinburgh, used this remarkable
expression in his prayer: "Lord, have mercy upon all fools and idiots,
and particularly upon the Town Council of Edinburgh." [9]
=Simplicity of a Collier's Wife=
A clergyman in a mining village not far from Riccarton, in the course of
his pastoral visits, called at the domicile of a collier in his parish.
Inquiring of a woman he saw, and whom he presumed to be his wife, if her
husband was at home, she said: "Deed, na, sir; he's at his work."
"Is your husband, my good woman, a communicant?"
"A communicant! He's naething o' the kind. He's just a collier."
Astonished at the ignorance displayed, the clergyman could not help
ejaculating: "Oh, what darkness!"
The collier's wife understanding the language literally, not
figuratively, was also astonished.
"Darkness! Little ye ken o't. Had you been here before we got the extra
window in the gable ye would scarcely been able to see your finger afore
you."
The pastor sighed.
"I must, my dear woman, put up a petition for you here."
"Petition--petition! Bide a wee. Nae petition (partition) will ye put up
here sae lang as I am in the house; but at the term we're going ower to
Newdiggings, and then ye may put as many o' them as ye like."
=A Scotch "Supply"=
Many good stories have been told of the beadles of the Scottish
churches. The latest is as good as any: One Sabbath morning when a
minister of an Ayrshire Established Church was about to enter the
pulpit, he found that John, the precentor, had not arrived. He
instructed the beadle, who was also bellman, to ring for five minutes
longer while they waited to see if John came.
When he returned, the minister inquired: "Has John come yet?"
"No, sir," answered the beadle.
"Most extraordinary! What are we to do? I see no help for it, but you
must take John's place yourself for a day."
"Ah, no, sir," replied the beadle, "I couldna dae that. Aiblins I could
tak' _your_ place, but I couldna tak' John's."
=Praying for Wind=
Dean Ramsay relates this incident: In one of our northern counties, a
rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by
continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order
to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister in his
Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows: "O Lord,
we pray thee to send us wind, no' a rantin' tantin' wind; but a noohin'
(noughin?) soughin', winnin' wind."
=Disturbed Devotions=
The Rev. Dr. Alexander relates that there lived in Peebleshire a
half-witted man, who was in the habit of saying his prayers in a field
behind a turf-dyke. One day he was followed to this spot by some wags,
who secreted themselves on the opposite side listening to the man, who
expressed his conviction that he was a very great sinner, and that even
were the turf-dyke at that moment to fall upon him it would be no more
than he deserved. No sooner had he said this, than the persons on the
opposite side pushed the dyke over him, when, scrambling out, he was
heard to say: "Hech, sirs, it's an awfu' world this; a body canna say a
thing in a joke, but it's ta'en in earnest." [9]
=The "Tables" of "The Law"=
When catechizing by the Scottish clergy was customary, the minister of
Coldingham, in Berwickshire, asked a simple country wife, who resided at
the farm of Coldingham Law, which was always styled "The Law" for
brevity's sake: "How many tables, Janet, are there in the law?"
"Indeed, sir, I canna just be certain," was the simple reply; "but I
think there's ane in the fore room, ane in the back room, an' anither
upstairs."
="Eating Among the Brutes"=
The Rev. Dr. M'C----, minister of Douglas, in Clydesdale, was one day
dining with a large party where the Hon. Henry Erskine and some lawyers
were present. A great dish of water-cresses being, according to the
fashion of the period, handed round after dinner, Dr. M'C----, who was
extravagantly fond of vegetables, helped himself much more largely than
any other person, and, as he ate with his fingers with a peculiar
voracity of manner, Mr. Erskine was struck with the idea that he
resembled Nebuchadnezzar in his state of condemnation. Resolved to give
the minister a hit for the grossness of his taste and manner of eating,
the wit addressed him with: "Dr. M'C----, ye bring me in mind of the
great king Nebuchadnezzar"; and the company were beginning to titter at
the ludicrous allusion, when the reverend devourer of cresses replied:
"Ay, do I mind ye o' Nebuchadnezzar? That'll be because I'm eating among
the brutes, then."
=An Angry Preacher=
"I know what sort o' heaven you'd pe wanting," shouted an earnest and
excited Highland minister in the ears of an apathetic congregation, to
whom he had delivered, without any apparent effect, a vivid and
impressive address on the glory of heaven; "I know what sort o' heaven
you'd pe wantin'. You'd pe wantin' that all the seas would pe hot water,
that all the rivers would pe rivers of whiskey, and that all the hills
and mountains would be loaves o' sugar. That's the sort o' heaven you'd
pe wantin'; moreover," he added, warming to his work, "you'd pe wantin'
that all the corn-stooks would pe pipe staples and tobaccos, and
sweeshin'--that's the sort o' heaven you'd pe wantin'."
=A Comfortable Preacher=
One Sunday, as a certain Scottish minister was returning homewards, he
was accosted by an old woman who said: "Oh, sir, well do I like the day
when you preach!"
The minister was aware that he was not very popular, and he answered:
"My good woman, I am glad to hear it! There are too few like you. And
why do you like when I preach?"
"Oh, sir," she replied, "when you preach I always get a good seat!"
="Haste" and "Leisure"=
A clergyman in the north of Scotland, very
homely in his address, chose for his text a passage in the Psalms, "I
said in my haste all men are liars." "Ay," premised the minister by way
of introduction, "ye said in your haste, David, did ye?--gin ye had been
here, ye micht hae said it at your leisure, my man."
="Making Hay While the Sun Shines"=
An anecdote is told of a certain Highland hotel-keeper, who was one day
bickering with an Englishman in the lobby of the inn regarding the bill.
The stranger said it was a gross imposition, and that he could live
cheaper in the best hotel in London; to which the landlord with
nonchalance replied, "Oh, nae doot, sir, nae doot; but do ye no' ken the
reason?" "No, not a bit of it," said the stranger hastily. "Weel, then,"
replied the host, "as ye seem to be a sensible callant, I'll tell ye;
there's 365 days in the Lonnun hotel-keeper's calendar, but we have only
three months in ours! Do ye understand me noo, frien'? We maun mak' hay
in the Hielans when the sun shines, for it's unco seldom he dis't!"
=Speaking Figuratively=
A preacher of the name of Ker, on being inducted into a church in
Teviotdale, told the people the relation there was to be between him and
them in the following words: "Sirs, I am come to be your shepherd, and
you must be my sheep, and the Bible will be my tar bottle, for I will
mark you with it"; and laying his hand on the clerk or precentor's head,
he said: "Andrew, you shall be my dog." "The sorra bit of your dog will
I be," said Andrew. "O, Andrew, you don't understand me; I speak
mystically," said the preacher. "Yes, but you speak mischievously," said
Andrew. [9]
=A Canny Witness=
During a trial in Scotland, a barrister was examining an old woman, and
trying to persuade her to his view by some "leading questions." After
several attempts to induce her memory to recur to a particular
circumstance, the barrister angrily observed, "Surely you must remember
this fact--surely you can call to mind such and such a circumstance."
The witness answered, "I ha' tauld ye I can't tell; but if ye know so
much mair about it than I do (pointing to the judge), do'e tell maister
yerself."
=A Mother's Confidence in Her Son=