for the Sabbath: A geologist, while in the country, and having his
pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the
wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye
and ready tongue of an old Scotchwoman. "What are you doing there, man?"
"Don't you see? I'm breaking a stone." "Y'are doing mair than that;
y'are breaking the Sabbath."
=Highland Simplicity=
On one occasion a young girl fresh from the West Highlands came on a
visit to a sister she had residing in Glasgow. At the outskirts of the
town she stopped at a toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her
knuckles on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action, and
curious to know what she wanted, came out, when she very demurely
interrogated him as follows:
"Is this Glasco?"
"Yes."
"Is Peggy in?"
=The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences=
As might have been expected, perhaps, Dean Ramsay is especially copious
in clerical stories and those trenching on theological topics. He tells
us how a man who was asked what Adam was like, first described our
general forefather somewhat vaguely as "just like ither fouk." Being
pressed for a more special description, he likened him to a
horse-couper known to himself and the minister. "Why was Adam like that
horse-couper?" "Weel," replied the catechumen, "naebody got onything by
him, and mony lost."
=Remarkable Presence of Mind=
A well-known parsimonious Scottish professor was working one day in his
garden in his ordinary beggarlike attire, and was alarmed to see the
carriage of the great man of the parish whirling rapidly along the road
to his house. It was too late to attempt a retreat, and get himself put
in order to receive "my lord." To retreat was impossible; to remain
there and as he was, to be shamed and disgraced. With a promptitude
seldom or never surpassed, he struck his battered hat down on his
shoulders, drew up his hands into the sleeves of his ragged coat, stuck
out his arms at an acute angle, planted his legs far apart, and throwing
rigidity into all his form, stood thus in the potato ground, the very
beau-ideal of what in England is called a "scarecrow," in Scotland "a
potato-bogle," never suspected by the visitors as they drove up to the
front entrance, while he made for the back door to don his best suit.
=Beginning Life Where He Ought to Have Ended, and Vice Versa=
A worthy Scotch couple, when asked how their son had broken down so
early in life, gave the following explanation: "When we began life
together we worked hard and lived on porridge, and such like; gradually
adding to our comforts as our means improved, until we were able to dine
off a bit of roast beef, and sometimes a boiled chickie (chicken); but
Jack, our son, he worked backwards and began with the chickie first."
=How to Exterminate Old Thieves=
The humorous, but stern criminal judge, Lord Braxfield, had a favorite
maxim which he used frequently to repeat: "Hang a thief when he's young,
and he'll no steal when he's auld."
=A Sympathetic Hearer=
An old minister in the Cheviots used, when excited in the pulpit, to
raise his voice to a loud half-whimper, half-whine. One day a shepherd
had brought with him a young collie, who became so thrilled by the high
note of the preacher that he also broke out into a quaver so like the
other that the minister stopped short. "Put out that collie," he said,
angrily. The shepherd, equally angry, seized the animal by the neck, and
as he dragged him down the aisle, sent back the growling retort at the
pulpit, "It was yersel' begond it!"
=Ginger Ale=
A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some of his
electioneering friends to a dinner, during which the champagne
circulated freely, and was much relished by the honest bodies; when one
of them, more fond of it than the rest, bawled out to the servant who
waited, "I say, Jock, gie us some mair o' that _ginger yill_, will ye?"
=A Conditional Promise=
At Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_
noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
bedside, who said to her: "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to heaven, and gin
ye should see our folk, ye can tell them that we're all weel." To which
Jenny replied: "Weel, gin I should see them, I'se tell 'em. But you
maunna expect that I'se to gang clank, clanking thro heaven looking for
your folk."
=Scripture Examination=
An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once a week through
Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards asked them promiscuously such
questions as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired a young
urchin to tell him who Jesse was; when the boy briskly replied, "The
Flower of Dunblane, sir."
=A Minor Major=
Lord Annandale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of
eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady
mother, hearing a noise in the _nursery_, rang to know the cause of it.
"It's only," said the servant, "the major greetin' (crying) for his
porridge!"
=A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account=
An old Scotch grave-digger was remonstrated with one day at a funeral
for making a serious over-charge for digging a grave. "Weel, ye see,
sir," said the old man, in explanation, making a motion with his thumb
towards the grave, "him and me had a bit o' a tift twa-three years syne
owre the head of a watch I selt him, an' I've never been able to get the
money oot o' him yet. 'Now,' says I to myself, 'this is my last chance,
an' I'll better tak' it.'"
="Hearers Only--Not Doers"=
Could anything be better than the improvement of a minister of Arran,
who was discoursing on the carelessness of his flock? "Brethren, when
you leave the church, just look down at the duke's swans; they are vera
bonny swans, an' they'll be sooming about an' dooking doon their heads
and laving theirsels wi' the clean water till they're a' drookit; then
you'll see them sooming to the shore, an' they'll gie their wings a bit
flap an' they're dry again. Now, my friends, you come here every
Sabbath, an' I lave you a' ower wi' the Gospel till you are fairly
drookit wi't. But you just gang awa hame, an' sit doon by your fireside,
gie your wings a bit flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again."
=The Chieftain and the Cabby=
The following story illustrates the disadvantage of having an article in
common use called after one's own name. The chief of the clan McIntosh
once had a dispute with a cabman about his fare. "Do you know who I
am?" indignantly exclaimed the Highlander; "I am the McIntosh."
"I don't care if you are an umbrella," replied the cabby; "I'll have my
rights."
=Not All Profit=
A humorous minister of Stirling, hearing that one of his hearers was
about to be married for the third time, said to him: "They tell me,
John, you are getting money wi' her; you did so on the last two
occasions; you'll get quite rich by your wives."
"'Deed, sir," quietly replied John, "what wi' bringin' them in and
puttin' them out, there's nae muckle be made of them."
=Pie, or Patience?=
A little Scotch boy, aged five, was taking dinner at his grandfather's
and had reached the dessert. "I want some pie," said young Angus.
"Have patience," said his grandmother.
"Which would you rather have, Angus," said grandfather; "patience or
pie?"
"Pie," replied Angus, emphatically.
"But then," said his grandfather, "there might not be any left for me."
"Well," said Angus, "you have some of patience."
=How to Treat a Surplus=
In a school in Aberdeenshire, one day, a dull boy was making his way to
his master for the third time with an arithmetical question. The
teacher, a little annoyed, exclaimed, "Come, come, John, what's the
matter now?"
"I canna get ma question richt," replied the boy.
"What's wrong with it, this time?"
"I've gotten auchteenpence ower muckle."
"Never mind," said a smart boy, in a loud whisper, with a sly glance at
the master, "keep it tae yersel', Jock."
=Landseer's Deadly Influence=
An amusing incident took place during one of Landseer's early visits to
Scotland. In the course of his journey he stopped at a village, and as
his habit was, took great notice of the many dogs, jotting down
sketches of such as took his fancy most. On the next day he continued
his journey. As he passed through the village, Landseer was surprised
and horrified to see dogs of all kinds, some of which he recognized,
hanging dead from trees or railings on every side. Presently he saw a
boy, who, with tears in his eyes, was hurrying a young pup towards the
river to drown it. He questioned the urchin, and to his surprise found
that the villagers looked upon him as an excise-officer, who was taking
notes of the dogs with a view to prosecute the owners of such as had not
paid their tax.
=Trying One Grave First=
An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife who
was dying. She took him by the hand and said: "Weel, John, we're gowin'
to part. I have been a gude wife to you, John." "Oh, just middling,
Jenny, just middlin'," said John, not disposed to commit himself.
"John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirkyard at
Str'avon, beside my mither. I could'na rest in peace among unco' folk,
in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow." "Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said
John, soothingly, "we'll just try ye in Glasgow first, an' gin ye dinna
lie quiet, we'll try you in Str'avon." [8]
="Capital Punishment"--Modified=
Two Scotchmen, turning the corner of a street rather sharply, come into
collision. The shock was stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat,
and, laying his hand on his forehead, said: "Sic a blow! My heed's a'
ringin' again!"
"Nae wonder," said his companion; "your head was aye empty--that makes
it ring. My heed disna ring a bit."
"How could it ring," said the other, "seeing it was crackit?"
=Matter More Than Manner=
Norman M'Leod was once preaching in a district in Ayrshire, where the
reading of a sermon is regarded as the greatest fault of which the
minister can be guilty. When the congregation dispersed an old woman,
overflowing with enthusiasm, addressed her neighbor. "Did ye ever hear
onything sae gran'? Wasna that a sermon?" But all her expressions of
admiration being met by a stolid glance, she shouted: "Speak, woman!
Wasna that a sermon?" "Ou ay," replied her friend sulkily; "but he read
it." "Read it!" said the other, with indignant emphasis. "I wadna care
if he had whistled it."
=Curious Use of a Word=
The word "honest" has in Scotland a peculiar application, irrespective
of any integrity of moral character. It is a kindly mode of referring to
an individual, as we would say to a stranger: "Honest man, would you
tell me the way to----?" or as Lord Hermand, when about to sentence a
woman for stealing, began remonstratively; "Honest woman, what gar'd ye
steal your neighbor's tub?"
=Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined=
A clergyman in Scotland, who had appointed a day for the catechising of
some of his congregation, happened to receive an invitation to dinner
for the same day, and having forgotten his previous engagement, he
accepted it. Just as he was mounting his gig to depart, he perceived the
first of his class entering his garden, and the remainder coming over
the hill, and at once became aware of the mistake he had made. Here was
a fix. But the minister's ready wit soon came to his assistance.
"What have you come for, John?" he asked, addressing the first comer.
"An' dee ye no' remember, sir, ye bade us come to be catecheesed?"
"Ou, ay; weel, no' to keep ye going further, John, was it a hoorned coo
or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?"
"'Deed, sir, I canna tell."
"Weel, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they
canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot."
=The Value of a Laugh in Sickness=
Dr. Patrick Scougal, a Scottish bishop, in the seventeenth century,
being earnestly sought by an old woman to visit her sick cow, the
prelate, after many remonstrances, reluctantly consented, and, walking
round the beast, said gravely, "If she live, she live; and if she die,
she die; and I can do nae mair for her." Not long afterwards, he was
dangerously afflicted with a quinsy in the throat; hereupon the old
woman, having got access to his chamber, walked round his bed repeating
the same words which the bishop had pronounced when walking round the
cow, and which she believed had cured the animal. At this extraordinary
sight the bishop was seized with a fit of laughter, which burst the
quinsy, and saved his life.
=Why Israel Made a Golden Calf=
The following answer from a little girl was shrewd and reflective. The
question was: "Why did the Israelites make a golden calf?"
"They hadna as muckle siller as would mak' a _coo'_." [9]
=An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory=
A parochial incumbent, whose scene of labor some years ago bordered on
the Strath of Blain, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the
memories of his hearers, insomuch as he frequently entertained them with
"could kail hot again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously
given. On one occasion his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and
only one Sabbath elapsed between the giving of the sermon the second
time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to
him, "I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gein' us auld sermons; but
they'll surely no' say that o' the ane ye gied them this afternoon, for
its just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place." [8]
=Sharpening His Teeth=
An English gentleman, traveling in the Highlands, being rather late in
coming down to dinner, Donald was sent upstairs to intimate all was
ready. He speedily returned, nodding significantly, as much as to say it
was all right.
"But, Donald," said his master, after some further trial of a hungry
man's patience, "are ye sure ye made the gentleman understand?"
"_Understand!_" retorted Donald (who had peeped into the room and found
the guest engaged at his toilet); "I'se warrant ye he understands; he's
_sharpening_ his teeth--" not supposing the toothbrush could be of any
other use.
=Droll Solemnity=
An old maid of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two sisters, also
unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths, in the ladies' corner of a
newspaper, thus moralized: "Weel, weel, these are solemn events, death
and marriage: but ye ken they're what we must a' come to."
"Eh, Miss Jenny, but ye have been lang spared!" was the reply of the
youngest sister.
=Matrimony a Cure for Blindness=
An example of this truth is given in the case of a sly old Scotchman
who, on marrying a very young wife, was rallied by his friends on the
inequality of their ages.
"She will be near me," he replied, "to close my een."
"Weel," remarked another party, "I've had twa wives, and they _opened_
my een."
=Plain Speaking=
"I was at the manse the ither day," said the precentor to an old crony,
"an' the minister and me got on the crack. He says to me: 'Jim,' says
he, 'I'm very sorry to tell you that I must advise you to give up your
post, for there are several people complaining that you cannot sing!'
"'Weel, sir,' said I, 'I dinna think you should be in sic a hurry to
advise me. I've been telt a dizzen times ye canna preach, but I never
advised ye to gie up your place.'
"I saw he was vexed, so I jist said: 'Ne'er heed, sir; the fules'll hae
to hear us till we think fit to stop.'"
=Trying to Shift the Job=
A country laird, at his death, left his property in equal shares to his
two sons, who continued to live very amicably together for many years.
At length one said to the other: "Sam, we're getting auld now; you'll
tak' a wife, and when I dee ye'll get my share o' the grund."
"Na, John; you're the youngest and maist active; you'll tak' a wife, and
when I dee you'll get my share."
"Od!" says John; "Sam, that's just the way with you when there's any
_fash or trouble_. There's naething you'll do at a'."
=A New Explanation of an Extra Charge=
The following story is told of a distinguished Edinburgh professor:
Desiring to go to church one wet Sunday, he hired a cab. On reaching the
church door he tendered a shilling--the legal fare--to cabby, and was
somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say: "Twa shillin', sir." The
professor, fixing his eye on the extortioner, demanded why he charged
two shillings, upon which the cabman dryly answered: "We wish to
discourage traveling on the Sabbath as much as possible, sir."
=National Thrift Exemplified=
Nowadays, when we hear that patients are beginning to question whether
they are bound to pay their doctors or not unless a cure has been
effected, the following anecdote of a cautious Scotchman may serve as a
useful hint: A poor old man had been some time ill, but refused to have
advice, dreading the doctor's bill. At last he gave in to the repeated
requests of his family, and sent for the doctor. On his arrival, the old
man greeted him with: "Noo, doctor, if ye dinna think I am worth
repairing, dinna put much expense on me." The doctor, finding him worth
repairing, soon set him on his legs again, and the old man considered
his bargain a good one.
=New Use for a "Cosy"=
A newly-married lady, displaying her wedding presents to an old Highland
servant-maid, shows a fancy tea-cosy.
_Servant Maid_: "That'll be a bonny present."
_Lady_: "It is, indeed."
_Servant Maid_: "Ay, an' you'll pe shurely wear this at a crand party?"
=Mending Matters=
"Had you the audacity, John," said a Scottish laird to his servant, "to
go and tell some people that I was a mean fellow, and no gentleman?"
"Na, na," was the candid answer; "you'll no catch me at the like o'
that. I aye keep my thoughts to mysel'."
=Degrees of Capacity=
Francis Jeffrey was an example of a man who had acquired an artificial
style and language, suitable only for printed books and a small circle
of friends and associates in Edinburgh. His diction and pronunciation
were unintelligible to the bulk of his countrymen, and offensive and
ridiculous in the House of Commons. His weight in his party, his great
intelligence, and the affection of his friends, could not prevent him
from failing in Parliament. An amusing illustration is given by an
acquaintance of the contrast between him and his friend Henry Cockburn,
in the examination of a witness. The trial turned upon the intellectual
competency of a testator. Jeffrey asked a witness, a plain countryman,
whether the testator was a man of "intellectual capacity?--an
intellectual, shrewd man?--a man of capacity?--had he ordinary mental
endowments?"
"What d'ye mean, sir?"
"I mean," replied Jeffrey, testily, "was the man of sufficient ordinary
intelligence to qualify him to manage his own affairs?"
"I dinna ken," replied the chafed and mystified witness; "Wad ye say the
question ower again, sir?"
Jeffrey being baffled, Cockburn took up the examination. He said: "Ye
kenned Tammas----?"
"Ou, ay; I kenned Tammas weel; me and him herded together when we were
laddies."
"Was there onything in the cretur?"
"Deil a thing but what the spune put in him."
"Would you have trusted him to sell a cow for you?"
"A cow! I wadna lippened him to sell a calf."
Francis Jeffrey could not, if he had devoted an article in the
_Edinburgh Review_ to the subject, have given a more exact measurement
than was presented in few words of the capacity of the testator to
manage his own affairs.
="Invisible and Incomprehensible"=
_First Scot_: "Fat sort o' minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?"
_Second Scot_: "Oh, weel; he's no muckle worth. We seldom get a glint o'
him; six days o' th' week he's envees'ble, and on the seventh he's
encomprehens'ble."
=Fetching His "Character"=
At a Scotch fair a farmer was trying to engage a lad to assist on the
farm, but would not finish the bargain until he brought a character from
the last place, so he said: "Run and get it, and meet me at the cross,
at four o'clock."
The youth was up to time, and the farmer said, "Well, have you got your
character with you?"
"Na," replied the youth; "but I've got yours, an' I'm no comin'."
=Scottish Negativeness=
If you remark to an old Scotchman that "It's a good day," his usual
reply is, "Aweel, sir, I've seen waur." Such a man does not say his wife
is an excellent woman. He says, "She's no' a bad body." A buxom lass,
smartly dressed, is "No' sae vera unpurposelike." The richest and rarest
viands are "No' sae bad." The best acting and the best singing are
designated as "No' bad." A man noted for his benevolence is "No' the
warst man in the worilt." A Scotchman is always afraid of expressing
unqualified praise. He suspects if he did so it would tend to spoil the
object of his laudations, if a person, male or female, old or young; or,
if that object were a song, a picture, a piece of work, a landscape, or
such, that those who heard him speak so highly of it would think he had
never in his life seen or heard anything better, which would be an
imputation on his knowledge of things. "_Nil Admirari_" is not exactly
the motto of the normal Scotchman. He is quite ready to admire admirable
things, but yet loath to admit it, only by inference, that he had never
witnessed or experienced anything better. Indeed, he has always
something of the like kind which he can quote to show that the person,
place or thing in question is only comparatively good, great, clever,
beautiful, or grand. Then, when anybody makes a remark, however novel,
that squares with a Scotchman's ideas, he will say, "That's just what
I've offen thoucht!" "That's exactly ma way of thinking!" "That's just
what I aye say!" "That's just what I was actually on the point o'
saying!"
=Either Too Fast or Too Slow=
An artist, returning from a sketching tour in Arran, was crossing the
mountains on his way back to catch the early steamer for Brodick. His
watch had stopped, so he could not form an idea of the time of day. To
his joy he met a shepherd, of whom he inquired the hour. The native,
pulling out his watch, replied: "Sir, it will shoost pe five o'clock on
my wee watchy; but whether she'll be two oors too slow, or two oors too
fast, I dinna ken."
=A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell=
Some years ago a lady engaged a domestic servant from the Highlands. In
the evening the lady wanted supper brought in, so she rang the bell.
Not getting any answer, she repeated the summons, but with the same
effect. She then proceeded to the kitchen, where to her amazement she
found the servant almost convulsed with laughter. She pointed to the
bell and exclaimed: "As sure's I leeve I never touched it, an' its
waggin' yet!"
=Not Necessarily Out of His Depth=
In Scotland the topic of a sermon, or discourse is called by
old-fashioned folk "its ground," or, as they would say, "its grund." An
old woman, bustling into kirk rather late, found the preacher had
commenced, and opening her Bible, nudged her next neighbor, with the
inquiry: "What's the grund?"
"Oh," rejoined the other, who happened to be a brother minister, and
therefore a privileged critic, "he's lost his grund long since, and he's
just swimming."
=Scotch Literalness=
"You must beware," says Charles Lamb, "of indirect expressions before a
Caledonian. I have a print, a graceful female, after Leonardo da Vinci,
which I was showing off to Mr. ----. After he had examined it, I asked
him how he liked 'my beauty' (a name it goes by among my friends), when
he very gravely assured me that he 'had very considerable respect for my
character and talents'--so he was pleased to say--'but had not given
himself much thought for the degree of my personal pretensions.'"
=A Scotch "Native"=
"Are you a native of this parish?" asked a Scotch sheriff of a witness
who was summoned to testify in a case of illicit distilling.
"Maistly, yer honor," was the reply.
"I mean, were you born in this parish?"
"Na, yer honor; I wasna born in this parish, but I'm maist a native for
a' that."
"You come here when you were a child, I suppose you mean?" said the
sheriff.
"Na, sir, I'm just here about sax year, noo."
"Then how do you come to be nearly a native of this parish?"
"Weel, ye see, whan I cam' here, sax year sin', I jist weighed eight
stane, an' I'm fully seventeen stane noo; sae ye see that about nine
stane a' me belangs to this parish an' the ither eight comes frae
Camlachie."
="A Call to a Wider Sphere"=