servant-girl, who, if not less scrupulous, was more logical in her
practice. She astonished her master, one of Sir Kenneth's tenants, by
refusing to feed the cows on the Sabbath. She was ready to milk, but by
no means feed them--and her defence shows that though a fanatic, she was
not a fool.
"The cows," she said--drawing a nice metaphysical distinction between
what are not and what are works of necessity and mercy that would have
done honor to a casuist--"the cows canna milk themselves; so to milk
them is clear work of necessity and mercy; but let them out to the
fields, and they'll feed themselves." Here certainly was _scrupulosity_;
but the error was one that leaned to the right side. [15]
=A Typical Quarrel=
The story of the happy young couple who quarreled on the first day of
their housekeeping life about the "rat" or the "mouse" which ran out of
the fireplace, it seems, had its origin "long time ago" in the incident
thus done into rhyme. The last verse explains the mysterious mistake:
John Davidson, and Tib his wife,
Sat toastin' their taes ae nicht,
When something startit in the fluir
And blinkit by their sicht.
"Guidwife," quoth John, "did you see that moose?
Whar sorra was the cat?"
"A moose?"--"Ay, a moose."--"Na, na, guidman,
It wasna a moose! 'twas a rat."
"Ow, ow, guidwife, to think ye've been
Sae lang aboot the hoose,
An' no' to ken a moose frae a rat!
Yan wasna a rat! 'twas a moose!"
"I've seen mair mice than you, guidman--
An' what think ye o' that?
Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair--
I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_."
"_Me_ haud my tongue for _you_, guidwife!
I'll be mester o' this hoose--
I saw't as plain as een could see,
An' I tell ye, _it_ was a _moose_."
"If you're the mester of the hoose,
It's I'm the mistress o't;
An' I ken best what's in the hoose--
Sae I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_."
"Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose,
An' ca' it what ye please."
So up she rose and mad' the brose,
While John sat toastin' his taes.
They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,
And aye their lips played smack;
They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,
Till their lugs began to crack.
"Sic fules we were to fa' out, guidwife,
About a moose"--"A what?
It's a lee ye tell, an' I say again,
It wasna a moose, 'twas a rat."
"Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face?
My faith, but ye craw crouse!
I tell you, Tib, I never will bear 't--"
"'Twas a moose"--"'Twas a rat"--"'Twas a moose."
Wi' that she struck him ower the pow--
"Ye dour auld doit, tak' that--
Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph--
'Twas a rat."--"'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!"
She sent the brose caup at his heels
As he hirpled ben the hoose;
Yet he shoved out his head, as he steekit the door,
And cried, "'Twas a moose, 'twas a moose!"
But when the carle fell asleep
She paid him back for that,
And roared into his sleepin' lug,
"'Twas a _rat_, 'twas a rat, 'twas a RAT!"
The devil be wi' me if I think
It was a beast, at all--
Next morning, when she swepit the fluir,
She found wee Johnnie's ball!
=A Ready Student=
Dr. Richie, of Edinburgh, though a very clever man, once met his match.
When examining a student as to the classes he attended, he said: "I
understand you attend the class for mathematics?"
"Yes."
"How many sides has a circle?"
"Two," said the student.
"Indeed! What are they?"
"An inside and an outside."
A laugh among the students followed this answer.
The doctor next inquired: "And you attend the moral philosophy class,
also?"
"Yes."
"Well, you doubtless heard lectures on various subjects. Did you ever
hear one on 'Cause and Effect?'"
"Yes."
"Does an effect ever go before a cause?"
"Yes."
"Give me an instance."
"A barrow wheeled by a man."
The doctor hastily sat down and proposed no more questions.
=Appearing "in Three Pieces"=
Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage near
Edinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the accident, said: "We are
happy to state he was able to appear the following evening in three
pieces."
="Every Man to His Own Trade"=
A worthy old Scotch minister, who didn't object to put his hand to a bit
of work when occasion required it, was one day forking sheaves in the
stackyard to his man John, who was "biggin'." One of the wheels of the
cart on which the minister was standing happened to be resting on a
sheaf, and when the cart was empty his reverence said: "That's them a'
noo, John, excep' ane 'at's aneath the wheel, an' ye'll hae to come an'
gie's a lift up wi' the wheel ere I get it oot." "Oh," said John, "just
drive forrit the cart a bit." "Very true, very true," rejoined the
minister; "every man to his own trade."
=From Different Points of View=
The following anecdote is related of Sir James Mackintosh, the Scotch
philosopher and historian, and the celebrated Dr. Parr: Sir James had
invited the reverend doctor to take a drive in his gig. The horse became
very restive and unmanageable. "Gently, gently, Jemmy," said the doctor,
"pray don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, whatever you do,
Jemmy! You'll do better without me, I am certain; so let me down,
Jemmy--let me down." Once on _terra firma_, the doctor's views of the
case were changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up," said he. "Never let a
horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him.
And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk back."
=Speaking from "Notes"=
A porter at a Scotch railway station, who had grown grey in the service,
was one day superintending matters on the platform, when the parish
minister stepped up to him and asked when the next train arrived from
the south. The aged official took off his cap and carefully read the
hour and the minute of the train from a document stuck in the crown.
Somewhat surprised at this, the minister said: "Dear me, John, is your
memory failing, or what is up with you? You used to have all these
matters entirely by heart."
"Weel, sir," said John, "I dunna ken if my memory's failin', or fat's
up; but the fac' is I'm growin' like yersel'--I cunna manage without the
paper."
="Consecrated" Ground=
The Police Commissioners of Broughton Ferry, near Dundee, some time
since compelled house proprietors to lay down concrete on the footpath
in front of their properties. An old lady, residing in a cottage,
proudly told a friend the other day that the front of her house had been
"consecrated up to the vera doorstep."
=Unanswerable=
When a Scotchman answers a question, he settles the matter in dispute
once for all. On a certain occasion the question was asked: "Why was
Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" Sandy Kerr promptly answered:
"Because her mither was staying there, sir;" and there actually seemed
to be nothing more to say on the subject.
=Practical Thrift=
An admirable humorous reply, says Dean Ramsay, is recorded by a Scotch
officer, well known and esteemed in his day for mirth and humor. Captain
Innes, of the Guards (usually called Jack Innes by his contemporaries),
was, with others, getting ready for Flushing or some of those
expeditions of the great war. His commanding officer, Lord Huntly,
remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one.
"Na, na, bide a wee," said Jack. "Where we're gain', faith, there'll
soon be mair hats nor heads." [7]
=Fool Finding=
A Scotch student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by a
professor, in the course of his examination, how he would discover a
fool? "By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly
suggestive reply.
=Robbing on Credit=
A Scotch parson said recently, somewhat sarcastically, of a toper, that
he put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, but that the
enemy, after a thorough search, returned without anything.
=Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something=
A Scotch lad was on one occasion accused of stealing some articles from
a doctor's shop. The judge was much struck with his respectable
appearance, and asked him why he was guilty of such a contemptible act.
"Weel, ye see," replied the prisoner, "I had a bit of pain in my side,
and my mither tauld me tae gang tae the doctor's and tak' something."
"Oh, yes," said the judge, "but surely she didn't tell you to go and
take an eight-day clock!"
The prisoner was evidently nonplused, but it was only for a moment.
Turning to the judge, a bright smile of humor stealing over his
countenance, he replied quietly:
"There's an auld proverb that says, 'Time an' the doctur cure a'
diseases,' an' sae I thocht"--but the remainder was lost in the laughter
of the court.
=A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious=
The late Rev. Dr. John Hunter, the much-loved minister of the Tron
Parish, Edinburgh, had a call one morning from one of his many poor
parishioners, who said he had come to ask a favor. On the worthy
minister's requesting him to specify its nature, he replied, "Weel, sir,
it's to marry me."
"Very good, John," the minister said; "let me know the place, day and
hour, and I shall be at your service."
"But, sir," the bridegroom answered, "it's the noo!" (The bride was
waiting outside.)
"Filthy and untidy as you are! No, no; go home and wash, and dress
yourself, and then I shall be prepared to perform the ceremony."
"Bless ye, sir, ye should see _her_!" was the response of the applicant.
=Pulpit Aids=
_Young Minister_: "I don't think I need put on the gown, John; it's only
an encumbrance."
_Beadle_: "Ay, sir; it makes ye mair impressive--an' ye need it a', sir,
ye need it a'."
=Choosing a Minister=
The parish kirk of Driechtor had been rather unfortunate in its
ministers, two of them having gone off in a decline within a twelvemonth
of their appointment, and now, after hearing a number of candidates for
the vacancy, the members were looking forward with keen interest to the
meeting at which the election takes place.
"Weel, Marget," asked one female parishioner of another, as they
foregathered on the road one day, "wha are you gaun to vote for?"
"I'm just thinkin' I'll vote for nane o' them. I'm no muckle o' a judge,
an' it'll be the safest plan," was Marget's sagacious reply.
"Toots, woman, if that's the way o't, vote wi' me."
"An' hoo are you gaun to vote?"
"I'm gaun to vote for the soundest lungs, an'll no bother us deein'
again in a hurry."
=Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook=
During the earlier visits of the royal family to Balmoral, Prince
Albert, dressed in a very simple manner, was crossing one of the Scotch
lakes in a steamer, and was curious to note everything relating to the
management of the vessel, and among other things, the cooking.
Approaching the galley, where a brawny Highlander was attending the
culinary matters, he was attracted by the savory odors of a compound
known by Scotchmen as "hodge-podge," which the Highlander was preparing.
"What is that?" asked the prince, who was not known to the cook.
"Hodge-podge, sir," was the reply.
"How is it made?" was the next question.
"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't
and----
"Yes, yes," said the prince, who had not learned that "intil't" meant
"into it;" "but what is intil't?"
"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't
and----"
"Yes, I see, but what is intil't?"
The man looked at him, and seeing the prince was serious, he replied:
"There's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't and----"
"Yes, certainly, I know," urged the inquirer; "but what is
intil't--intil't?"
"Ye daft gowk," yelled the Highlander, brandishing a large spoon, "am I
no' telling ye what's intil't! There's mutton intil't and----"
Here the interview was brought to a close by one of the prince's suite,
who was fortunately passing, and stepped in to save his royal highness
from being rapped over the head with the big spoon while in search of
information from the cook.
="To Memory 'Dear'"=
"Jeems," said the laird one day to his gardener, "there was something I
was going to ask you, but man, for the life o' me I canna mind what it
was." "Mebbe," said Jeems, who had received no pay for three weeks,
"mebbe," said he, "it was to spier at me fat wey I was keepin' body and
soul thegither on the wages I wasna gettin'."
=Good "for Nothing"--not the Goodness Worth Having=
It was a wet day and Jamie Stoddart could not go out to play; Mrs.
Stoddart, who had just cleared away the breakfast things, and was about
to commence a big heap of ironing, noticed sighs of incipient
restlessness in the laddie, and said; "Now, I hope you'll be a good boy
the day, Jamie; I've an awfu' lot o' work to dae, an' I can't have you
bothering me." "Wull ye gie me a penny if I'm awfu' guid a' day lang?"
asked her son. "Mebbe I will," was the reply; "but would it no' be
better to be a guid laddie just to please me?" "I'm no' sae shuir o'
that," answered the laddie, reflectively. "Ma teacher at the schule says
it aye better to be good even for a little, than to be guid for
naething." He got that penny.
="The Weaker Vessel"=
The minister of a parish in Scotland was called in some time ago to
effect a reconciliation between a fisherman of a certain village and his
wife. After using all the arguments in his power to convince the
offending husband that it was unmanly in him, to say the least of it, to
strike Polly with his fist, the minister concluded: "David, you know
that the wife is the weaker vessel, and you should have pity on her."
"Weel, then," said David, sulkily, "if she's the weaker vessel she
should carry the less sail."
=Minding His Business=
An Englishman traveling in the north of Scotland, came up to a
macadamizer of the roads, and while he was busy breaking the road metal,
asked him if the direction in which he was going was the way to
Aberdeen. The laborer, glad to rest himself a little, dropped his
hammer, and said quietly to the stranger, "Now, where cam' ye from?" The
traveler, nettled at not receiving a direct answer, asked him, "What
business have you with where I came from?" The macadamizer, taking up
his hammer and beginning to resume his occupation, said, "Oh, just as
little business as where you are gauin to!"
="Married!"--Not "Living"=
"Weel, Girzie, how are ye leevin'?" said one. "Me! I'm no leevin' at a'.
I'm mairret!"
=A Powerful Preacher=
Shortly after a Congregational chapel had been planted in the small
burgh of Bonnytown, an incident occurred which showed that the powers of
its minister were appreciated in certain quarters. A boy, named Johnny
Fordyce, had been indiscreet enough to put a sixpence in his mouth and
accidently swallowed it. Mrs. Fordyce, concerned both for her boy and
the sixpence, tried every means for its recovery, consulted her
neighbors, and finally in despair called in a doctor, but without
result. As a last resort, a woman present suggested that they should
send for the Congregationalist "meenister." "The meenister," chorused
mother and neighbors. "Ay, the meenister," rejoined the old dame; "od's,
if there's ony money in him he'll sune draw it oot o' 'm!"
=Lost Dogs=
"What dogs are these, Jasper?" inquired a gentleman of a lad, who was
dragging a couple of waspish-looking terriers along a street in
Edinburgh. "I dinna ken, sir," replied the urchin; "they came wi' the
railway, and they ate the direction, and dinna ken whar to gang."
=Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar=
Early in the nineteenth century, Sandy Frazer, a native of the northern
part of this island--who by vending of linen, which he carried around
the country on his back, had acquired the sum of one hundred pieces of
gold--resolving to extend his business by the addition of other wares,
set out for London, in order to purchase them at the best advantage.
When he had arrived within a few miles of the end of his journey, he was
obliged to take shelter in a house of entertainment--which stood in a
lonely part of the road--from a violent storm of wind and rain. He had
not been there long, before he was joined by two horsemen of genteel
appearance, who stopped on the same account. As he was in possession of
the fire-side, they were under necessity of joining company with him, in
order to dry themselves; which otherwise the meanness of his appearance
would probably have prevented their doing.
The new companions had not sat long, before the cheerfulness of his
temper, and something uncommonly droll in his conversation, made them
invite him to sup with them at their expense; where they entertained him
so generously, that, forgetting his national prudence, he could not
forbear shewing his treasure, as a proof of not being unworthy of the
honor they had done him.
The storm having obliged them to remain all night, they departed
together the next morning; and as a farther mark of their regard they
kept company with him, though he traveled on foot, till they came into a
solitary part of the road, when, one of them, putting a pistol to his
breast, took of him the earnings of his whole life, leaving him only a
single piece of gold, which, by good fortune, he happened to have loose
in his pocket. His distress at such a loss may be easily conceived:
however, he sank not under it. A thought instantly occurred to him how
it might possibly be retrieved, which he lost not a moment in proceeding
to execute. He had observed that the master of the house, where he had
met these two plunderers, seemed to be perfectly acquainted with them;
he returned therefore thither directly, and feigned to have been taken
suddenly ill on the road with a disorder of the bowels; called for some
wine, which he had heated, and rendered still stronger with spice. All
the time he was drinking it, he did nothing but pray for his late
companions; who, he said, had not only advised him to take it, but had
also been so generous as to give him a piece of gold (which he produced)
to pay for it; and then, seeming to be much relieved, he lamented most
heavily his not knowing where to return thanks to his benefactors; which
he said, the violence of his pain had made him forget to inquire.
The master of the house, to whom his guests had not mentioned the man's
having money, that he might not expect to share it with them, never
suspected the truth of his story, informed him without scruple, who they
were, and where they lived. This was directly what he had schemed for.
He crawled away till he was out of sight of the house, in order to keep
up the deceit, when he made all the haste he could to town; and,
inquiring for his spoilers, he had the satisfaction to hear they were
people in trade, and of good repute for their wealth.
The next morning, therefore, as soon, as he thought they were stirring,
he went to the house of one of them, whom he found in the room where his
merchandise was exposed for sale. The merchant instantly knew him; but,
imagining he came on some other business (for he did not think it
possible that he could have traced him, or even that he could know him
in his altered appearance) asked him in the usual way what he wanted.
"I want to speak wi' ye in private, sir," he answered, getting between
him and the door; and then, on the merchant's affecting surprise--"In
gude troth, sir," he continued, "I think it is somewhat strange that ye
shud na ken Sandy, who supped with ye the neeght before the laust, after
au the kindness ye shewed to him." Then lowering his voice, so as not to
be overheard by the people present, he told him, with a determined
accent, that if he did not instantly return him his money, he would
apply to a magistrate for redress.
This was a demand which admitted not of dispute. The money was paid him,
gratuity for having lent it, and his receipt taken to that effect; after
which he went directly to the other, upon whom he made a like successful
demand.
=The Highlander and the Angels=
A genuine Highlander was one day looking at a print from a picture by
one of the old masters, in which angels were represented blowing
trumpets. He inquired if the angels played on trumpets, and being
answered in the affirmative, made the following pithy remark:
"Hech, sirs, but they maun be pleased wi' music. I wonder they dinna
borrow a pair o' bagpipes!"
=One Side of Scotch Humor=
Charles Lamb was present at a party of North Britons, where a son of
Burns was expected, and he happened to drop a remark that he wished it
were the father instead of the son, when four of the Scotchmen started
up at once, saying that it was impossible, because he (the father) was
dead.
=Reproving a Miser=
Lord Braco was his own factor and collected his own rents, in which
duties he is said to have been so rigorously exact that a farmer, being
one rent-day deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge to
a considerable distance to procure that little sum before he would grant
a discharge. When the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his
lordship, "Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a shilling for a sight o' a' the
gowd and siller ye hae." "Weel, man," answered the miser, "it's no cost
ye ony mair"; and he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of
gold and silver coin. "Now," said the farmer, "I'm as rich as yourself,
Braco." "Ay, man," said his lordship, "how can that be?" "Because I've
seen it," replied the countryman, "and ye can do nae mair."
=A Shrewd Reply=
Sir Walter Scott says that the alleged origin of the invention of cards
produced one of the shrewdest replies he had ever heard given in
evidence. It was by the late Dr. Gregory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of
great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's testimony went to prove
the insanity of the party whose mental capacity was the point at issue.
On a cross-interrogation he admitted that the person in question played
admirably at whist. "And do you seriously say, doctor," said the learned
counsel, "that a person having a superior capacity for a game so
difficult, and which requires in a pre-eminent degree, memory, judgment
and combination, can be at the same time deranged in his understanding?"
"I am no card player," said the doctor, with great address, "but I have
read in history that cards were invented for the amusement of an insane
king." The consequences of this reply were decisive.
=Two Good Memories=
A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called as she
passed by Crieff upon an old master with whom she had formerly served.
Being kindly invited by him to share in the family dinner, and the usual
ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl,
anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed:
"Ah, master, ye maun hae a grond memory, for that's the grace ye had
when I was wi' you seven years ago."
=Compensation=
A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were
laboring under affliction: "Time is short, and if your cross is heavy
you have not far to carry it."
=Fowls and Ducks!=
A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the
affair of Captain Porteous, and telling of the variety of shot which was
fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle
what kind of shot it was? "Why," said the man in his broad dialect, "sic
as they shoot fools (fowls) wi' an' the like." "What kind of fools?"
asked the duke, smiling at the word. "Why, my lord, dukes (ducks) and
sic' kin' o' fools."
=Square-Headed=
A learned Scottish lawyer being just called to the Bench, sent for a new
tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his apparatus in one direction was
observed to smile; upon which the judge desired to know what ludicrous
circumstance gave rise to his mirth? The barber replied that he could
not but remark the extreme _length_ of his honor's head. "That's well,"
said Lord S----, "we lawyers have occasion for _long heads_!" The
barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out
into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last
declared that he could not possibly contain himself when he discovered
that "_his lordship's head was just as thick as it was long_!"
=Refusing Information=
Two Scotchmen met the other day on one of the bridges of Glasgow, one of
them having in his hand a very handsome fowling-piece, when the
following dialogue ensued: "Ods, mon, but that's a bonny gun." "Ay, deed
is it." "Whaur did you get it?" "Owre by there." "And wha's it for?"
"D'ye ken the yeditor of the Glasgow _Herald_?" "Ou ay." "Weel, it's nae
for him."
=Sabbath Breaking=