"It has been said that the worst use you can make of a man is to hang
him. I think, Captain Bragg, that the next worst is to shoot him."
This remark was made by Toney after Bragg, having first shown him the
challenge which he had received from Botts and requested him to act as
his second, had emphatically expressed a truculent determination to put
the challenger to death with powder and ball.
"And," said Seddon, "some men are not worth the ammunition expended on
them."
"By the powers of mud! what do you mean, Mr. Seddon?" exclaimed Bragg.
"Is not Mr. Botts a gentleman? Do I not find him in the very best
society?"
"Not certainly in the very best society when he is found quarreling
with a monkey," said Seddon.
"With a monkey! Mr. Seddon? Gentlemen, I would have you know that it was
no ordinary monkey that Botts so brutally assaulted in the ball-room. He
was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar. I would
defend that monkey with my blood; and had not Botts challenged me, I
would have challenged him for the insult offered to my monkey. Monkeys
have emotions and sensibilities in their bosoms as well as we have, Mr.
Seddon."
"Then, they have souls as well as tails?" said Seddon.
"I have no doubt," said Bragg, "that a high-bred monkey, like mine,
brought up in a royal palace and tenderly cared for, can feel an insult
as keenly as a man."
"Then, Captain Bragg," said Seddon, "why not refer Botts for
satisfaction to the monkey?"
"Because, sir, monkeys are not yet sufficiently advanced in civilization
to understand the code of honor. But the time may come when they will."
"What!" exclaimed Seddon, "do you mean to say that the time may come
when monkeys will challenge one another to single combat, and fight with
hair-trigger pistols like civilized men?"
"Yes, sir," said Bragg.
"I suppose that will be after they have dropped their tails," said
Seddon.
"Of course," said Bragg. "Man is but an improved species of monkey. Our
ancestors were once monkeys, and carried long tails behind them."[2]
Here Tom Seddon fell back on a sofa and roared with laughter. Toney
Belton reproved his friend for this unbecoming levity, and gravely
remarked that learned men coincided with Captain Bragg in opinion, and
that Lord Monboddo confidently asserted there was a race of men in
Africa who still had tails.
"That is true, sir," said Bragg. "I have seen them myself;--have eaten
and drank with them, and----" Here Tom Seddon exploded with laughter;
while Toney remarked that Monboddo said that these long-tailed
individuals were horrible cannibals, and were particularly fond of
Dutchmen.
"I don't know about their fondness for Dutchmen," said Bragg. "I am an
Anglo-Saxon, and I know that they treated me with great kindness; I
remained with them for months; and many of them shed tears when I took
my departure."
"Your discovery of this race of men in Africa seems to confirm the
rabbinical theory," said Toney.
"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
"The learned rabbinical doctors, in whose wisdom we should have great
confidence, assert that man was originally created with a long tail."
"Just as I said!" exclaimed Bragg. "Did I not tell you so?"
"If such was his original conformation," said Toney, "we must suppose
that it was afterwards observed that this appendage was of no use to him
at all, and, indeed, would often be a serious incumbrance; for when in
battle a hero was hard pressed and compelled to retreat, his enemy might
seize him by the tail, and hold him fast until he had cut off his head."
"That is a fact," said Bragg. "So he might."
"And when in the progress of civilization the toilet became of
importance in the estimation of mankind, the decoration of the tail
would be exceedingly troublesome and expensive."
"I should think so," said Seddon. "I should think that it could hardly
be managed even by the most experienced and scientific _tailors_."
"Tom Seddon," said Toney, "Dr. Johnson was of opinion that when a man
attempted a pun in company he ought to be knocked down. But let me
proceed in pointing out the obvious disadvantages of wearing tails. For
instance, fashionable gentlemen, after having spent large sums of money
in the elaborate adornment of their tails, might have them trodden upon
as they walked the streets, and numerous assaults and batteries might
thus be occasioned."
"No doubt of it! no doubt of it!" said Bragg. "I witnessed many fierce
encounters among my friends in Africa, caused by men inadvertently
treading on their neighbors' tails."
"Yes," said Toney, "some irascible editor or orator might have his tail
crushed by the foot of his adversary on the hard pavement, and a mortal
combat would be the lamentable consequence. Indeed, I would not answer
for the patience and fortitude of a pious parson if, as he walked along
the aisle of his church, one of the congregation should carelessly tread
on his caudal extremity. I seriously apprehend that the reverend man
would exhibit the irritability of a ferocious animal of the feline
species under similar circumstances. Therefore, such being the great and
manifest disadvantages of wearing tails, we must suppose that this
useless appendage was severed from the body of the man."
"What was done with it?" inquired Seddon.
"It was fashioned into a woman," said Bragg.
"A what?" exclaimed Seddon, too astounded to laugh.
"Into a woman," reiterated Bragg.
"Why, I thought that woman was formed from a rib."
"That is an error of the translators," said Bragg. "I was so informed by
a learned Hebrew whom I found living on the top of Mount Ararat, in a
comfortable house constructed from the imperishable materials of Noah's
Ark. He told me that the word should have been translated tail instead
of rib."
"This important fact in anthropology," said Toney, "would seem to
militate against the claims of those learned, eloquent, and
distinguished ladies who are the leaders of the movement for women's
rights."
"Do you mean," said Bragg, "those babbling females who leave their
hen-pecked husbands at home to nurse their unclean babies, and go
gadding about holding their conventions? Well, sir, give them every
right which they claim. Give them every right which we have----"
"Except," said Seddon, "the privilege of shaving their chins. I hardly
suppose that they will ever get that."
"No," exclaimed Bragg, "that inestimable privilege they never can
obtain, let them clamor for it as much as they please! I reiterate, give
them all they demand, let them vote, elect them to office, put a bale of
dry-goods and crinoline in the Presidential chair, and what would be the
result? Would the head govern?"
"I should think not," said Seddon, "If there is such an error in the
translation as you have pointed out. Captain Bragg, I am afraid that you
are a misogynist. But what becomes of your royal friend the Queen of
Madagascar? She is a woman, and she governs a great nation."
"Mr. Seddon, the Queen of Madagascar is no ordinary woman. The poets of
that great country say that the royal line is descended from their
gods."
"That opinion may be orthodox in the island of Madagascar," said Seddon.
"In the United States of America her Majesty's poets-laureate would find
a multitude of skeptics. But were those long-tailed African gentlemen,
with whom you once resided, a race of negroes?"
"Their faces were black but comely," said Bragg.
"Then," said Seddon, "It is easy to foresee what will be the ultimate
consequences of emancipation in this country."
"In what respect?" asked Bragg.
"Why, it is well known that the negro race, when emancipated, goes back,
by degrees, to its original barbarism. Emancipate the negroes, and, at
same future day, we will have a horrible race of savages and cannibals
among us. They will run wild in our forests, and, after a time, tails
will grow out from their persons. They will jump into our windows at
night and carry off our babies and devour them; and no Dutchman will be
safe from their cannibal ferocity. People will have to hunt them with
dogs, and catch them, and cut off their tails, and civilize them again."
"Never!" exclaimed Bragg, "never! Man once civilized never goes back to
his original condition. Emancipate the negroes and you need not
apprehend that they will return to their tails."
"Are you in favor of emancipation, Captain Bragg?" inquired Seddon.
"My dear sir, we will not discuss that question at present. By the
powers of mud! Mr. Belton," exclaimed Bragg, looking at his watch, "we
have forgotten all about Botts and the challenge."
"I was about to remind you, captain," said Toney, "that as you have the
choice of weapons, as well as of time and place, it is necessary that I
should receive your instructions in relation to these preliminary
arrangements."
"I leave time and place to you, Mr. Belton; and as to weapons, I am
equally familiar with all the weapons employed in private or public
warfare. I once fought a native of New Zealand with a boomerang, Mr.
Seddon."
"What sort of a weapon is that, Captain Bragg?"
"It is a missile which if it fails to hit the object at which it is
aimed comes bounding back to the hand that hurls it. But, by the powers
of mud! at the first throw my boomerang came bounding back with the New
Zealander impaled on its point and howling for mercy."
"Then," said Toney, "I am to understand that you leave the selection to
me, and will not refuse to fight with any weapon I may designate?"
"Refuse! certainly not. I will fight with a harpoon if you so choose, or
a gun loaded with Greek fire."
"Or hot water," suggested Seddon.
"To be sure," said Bragg.
"Captain Bragg, would you really fight with a gun loaded with hot
water?" inquired Toney.
"Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "he is a poor workman who finds fault with his
tools. I will face my antagonist with any weapon which he is not afraid
to hold in his own hand."
"Very good," said Belton. "And now I must leave you with Mr. Seddon,
while I have an interview with Wiggins, who, it seems, is Botts's
second."
Toney took up his hat and left the room, as Bragg was in the act of
poising a cane for the purpose of showing Seddon how to hurl a
boomerang.
FOOTNOTE:
[2] The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered
in Boston.